Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: EverythingAfter (44970)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Bad email from Wbf, chest hurting
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did you think you were in a fully committed, engaged-like relationship at three months?

I mean three months after we had the official conversation. We had dated casually for a month before that. He's the one that initiated the "official" conversation. He put his status on FB before I did. He was talking about how he wanted to move in with me at three months. He had already said that he loved me. Then he went out of the country for a month for a volunteer thing, and had the ONS.

ETA: After this official conversation, he also explained that one of his boundaries was no opposite sex friends. So I agreed, and stopped seeing my opposite sex friends. This was not a problem for me, because I had same boundaries but had just never found it in a man before. He told me that he didn't believe in drinking with girls, or even thinking about other girls while he was dating someone.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 4:22 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
staying hopefull
♀ Member
Member # 5748
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

status of facebook...moving in together at three months....saying "I love you" doesn't mean crap... its his actions that mean its a committed relationship....


Me - BS (40) FWH (43)
Two children
Together 20 years, married 15 years
Reconcilied for 9 years!

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Nov 2004
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IME/IMO when someone has cheated and aren't willing to do what it takes to help their BSO heal, no...they are not worth fighting for.

I tried fighting for my M. It doesn't make a difference until the second half of the relationship, the one that caused all the damage, is willing to go above and beyond to fight for the BSO. Otherwise, you're fighting a losing battle. Either he accepts that he has to face the ugly truth or he needs to go away.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11187 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your thoughtful post WoundedOpus. A lot of what you said made sense, and I actually bought the book on boundaries this morning that you recommended. I haven't started reading it yet.

Part of my problem is that my ex BF told me that I was too controlling. Looking back on our relationship now, I can see that we just had completely different boundaries. He went to strip clubs, and I hated them. He had exes cooking for him, and that was a no no to me. Etc, etc. So, I know rationally that I'm not controlling, but when someone tells me that I'm being controlling, I usually do everything in my power to seem not controlling and to bend over backwards to prove that I'm not controlling.

Fast forward to my current situation. On Dday, my Wbf told me that the ONS happened because I was too controlling and jealous while he was out of the country. I was perhaps a little too jealous. But in my defense, he asked me to cut off all opposite sex friendships. Which I did. And then he went out of the country for a month with four girls, and he was going to bars until 5:00 AM every night. I was confused because my "conservative value" BF was doing all this stuff that seemed inconsistent. That should have been my first red flag I guess. But I just got jealous and dealt with it, and our relationship went back to normal when he got home. But Dday, he said that my controlling nature is what caused it. He's later admitted that he was shifting the blame, and it wasn't my fault. But I automatically get paranoid anytime someone tells me I'm being controlling, and I try very hard not to be.

Such as his former boss. This is not a good person. He took my BF out drinking with the OW, and the OW took her clothes off in front of both of them. He regularly invited my BF to a strip club, and the office Christmas party had a stripper. This is not a good person. I asked Wbf to not talk to him this week, and he told me I was being controlling. So I ended up apologizing, and saying that I should trust his judgment. How that makes sense to me, I don't know.

So yeah... I do have boundary issues. I don't want to be seen as controlling. I guess I never know where to draw the line.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me show you. Let me take care of you. Let me show you I will be the man of your dreams.
Please answer me. Am I worth fighting for

Have you ever stopped him from showing you this? He is a first class manipulator.

Is HE worth fighting for??? WTF?????

How bout he simply steps upp to the plate and convinces YOU that he thinks YOU are worth fighting for.

He's full of fogged up poop.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read about BSs being too controlling all the time. MrH has said that to me. He blamed his first A on me being too controlling (among other things).

Guess what. If I was truly controlling, I wouldn't be here on SI because I would have controlled him and he wouldn't have cheated.

Yes, people can attempt to control. When you've been groomed for it and are in an abusive situation, you tend to allow yourself to be controlled. Even that though is a choice.

If we could control people, there would be a lot fewer BSs, frustrated parents, upset bosses, and so on. We each need to own our choices. You set boundaries, he doesn't like them so he makes a choice to ignore them and then strike out like he's some pouty teen trying to get back at you.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:27 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11187 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The messages you're sharing with us today that are from him, and especially that last one, are pure emotional manipulation. It's bullshit. He's yanking your chain. Pulling your strings. Jerking your heart around. It's manipulation, plain & simple.

It's your choice to submit to him & let him control you this way or not. Let me assure you, if you submit, if you surrender your personal power to him because he's emotionally manipulating you, you're only going to be hurt worse when he cheats on you again. PLUS, you'll be totally disgusted with yourself.

I was once young & beautiful & had a promising career. Look where I am now.

Don't be me.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 5:35 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9681 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You not only have major codependency issues, but you're attracting and falling for pure emotional blackmail and manipulation.

Your Wbf is a total douche, sorry to say. Every text you have posted here is pure, unadulterated emotional manipulation and tactics to hoover you back into this toxic relationship.

The guy KNOWS how to pull your strings by making you dump all opposite-sex friends THEN goes out of the country, lives it up with multiple women, bars, drinking AND affairs.

You REALLY need to put your bitch-boots on, drop contact with this idiot and tell him that when he is in IC 2-4x a week and working on HIS issues will you answer any more of his questions. You need to 180 HARD and focus on you and don't let this douchebag hoover you in any more.

If you do this, you'll likely start to see what kind of person he really is. And with any luck, it might be enough for him to get his issues under control and start fixing his issues.

Stop fixating on your past affairs with this relationship. Work them out in IC but they have NOTHING to do with this relationship! You were the one cheated on here.

Take care! Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you ask a question here:
I said that because he acknowledged that this was hard for me. He didn't send me an email attacking my personality again. Just said that he loved me. That feels like he gets it to me. Is that wrong?

I'd be willing to bet your answer lies in his response:  
I typed out a long email, I deleted it after thinking it over and reading it.

How much you wanna bet he deleted the email because he was doing more blame shifting/manipulative fact twisting and then realized that dialing his response back to cooperative and understanding would be a better way of sucking you back in/getting you to fall back in line? He sensed your no-nonsense mood and adjusted his response accordingly. He's a narcissist, dear. RUN.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I just feel so lost. Before Dday, we were looking for engagement rings. I kept telling everyone that they shouldn't give up on love, because they would eventually meet the perfect match like I did. And then it's like a bomb went off in my life, and I've been struggling to put the pieces together.

Gently, how much does this have to do with your decision to give this man another chance? I almost feel like you are so invested in a good outcome that you want to 'win' at any cost.

I have been there and I've wasted years. I have a daughter your age and she is the same way. I think it has something to do with being type-A with a side of co-dependent mixed with a fear of failure. At least that's what it is for me. This man has cost you a lot so far. You said you lost your best friend over him so you've invested a pretty large sum. If you walk away now it will be for naught, right? Well some investments aren't worth the returns and sometimes it's better to sell-sell-sell than to ride it down.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My, my, my - aren't we quite the passive-aggressive, narcissist?
I see that it's tough for you and you don't want to be like that but you can't help it. I know you're giving your all. I shouldn't have said it. And I'm upset at myself for feeling that way honestly. I know it's tough and you deserve for me to be there and fight harder and be open

Such subtle manipulation, no? Let me translate: "I see your neurotic nature is making this hard for you to let go despite your best efforts to do just that. I'm upset at myself for poking the sleeping bear, however, because I'm afraid I've awakened a far stronger and smarter beast than the one I've grown accustomed to gently controlling. I know you're feeling fed-up now and I regret that I pushed you to that point because now I have to switch up my game and whisper sweet nothings in your ear until you fall back into your deep sleep."
Don't take the bait. He's so transparent.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 8:31 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The person you fell in love with is not who he really is. (The asshole who betrayed you multiple times...the one you've described in your posts,,that's who he is.)

You have made a mistake. Time to admit it to yourself. (Note: Staying with him because you once cheated yourself will not place the Universe back in perfect balance.)

No, there is only one way to fix this particular situation you are torturing yourself over now (you know, your current BF who betrayed you and is an asshole.) You need to leave him.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 9:58 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Dday, my Wbf told me that the ONS happened because I was too controlling and jealous while he was out of the country. I was perhaps a little too jealous.
The ONS "happened" because he chose to have sex with someone else while he was telling you he was committed to you.

And by the way, it didn't "happen" - HE CHOSE TO HAVE SEX WTIH HER. Do you see where he's not only blameshifting the ONS onto you, but he's made himself powerless in the situation. Darn ONS just jumped up and grabbed him.

You're far too smart to take any of that crap on board, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be very careful...he sounds like he could get very "stalker-like" with you. And I mean this very nicely but from far away on an anonymous forum just the few things you have said he has done and said sound very creepy.

When someone quotes scripture and "bans" you from opposite sex friends yet turns around and does the very things he tells you not to do? Scary.

And I agree with your therapist where many on here may not. You assume you will be hurting your EX with telling him the truth but you could also be giving him a gift. Of the truth. I say write it down very brief and to the point, wish him well in his new life and marriage and just say you wanted him to know what really happened and then drop it. I do believe it will free you.

And then get the heck away from this blood sucking energy drainer loser. Like clear and to the point with NC in place.


Posts: 5652 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a feeling that I'm going to get fussed at, but I want to discuss what ended up happening last night. I'm trying to be more honest with myself, but I may just be in denial.

I was struggling with sending the text message that it was over. I stayed at work longer than I usually would have. He texted that he was at my house. I still stayed at the office, and just let him wait. When I got home, I was expecting more of the begging and crying that I usually get. But he didn't do that.

He said that he googled the word "forgiveness" while he was waiting on me, and said that the definition surprised him. He said that the definition says free of resentment and anger. He went on to explain that he had expected me to already forgive him because he had apologized many times and had done sweet things for me (breakfast in bed, cleaning my house, candlelight dinners, etc). He said that he was going on the biblical version of forgiveness, which is ask and you will be forgiven. But he sees now that I'm still angry and hurt, and that forgiveness isn't that easy.

So we started talking for probably 4-5 hours. I asked a ton of hard questions, and he answered them all. Details about the ONS and A, and a lot of why and how questions. Then we made a list of the things I need, like reading books and articles, talking more, etc. He wants to read a chapter of a book I chose every week, and then on Wednesday nights discuss the chapter and any questions that I have. He said that talking is really hard for him, because his family raised him to believe that you shouldn't talk about emotions. So he said that when I start talking (like Wednesday night when he pulled away), he feels attacked and shuts down. If I need to talk before our Wednesday sessions, he told me to preface it by saying that I'm hurting and I need him, and that will help him to open up.

After that we went to dinner, and then we talked more when we got home. We even talked more this morning. He offered to do even more stuff, like taking the pictures from the ONS trip off his FB since they trigger me. He also said that he wouldn't see his old boss anymore.

I told him that I would give him another chance. But I told him that if I start feeling like I did yesterday again, I'm walking away. I said that you can only stay in a bad relationship for so long, and eventually you have to walk away.

I'm hopeful because the things that he said last night were a lot different than the normal "I need you" and "aren't I worth fighting for" stuff he usually says.

We had one problem today already though, and I'm not sure if I handled it in the right way. I'm guessing probably no. I had accepted an invitation yesterday from a female friend to go to a concert tonight. When he found out, he wanted to go. He hates this female friend though cause she's free spirited, and he's more socially awkward. I kind of just wanted a girls night, and he got upset that I chose her over him. He said that she's not a friend of the relationship because she's single and still sort of in the "party" stage of her life. I feel like he has a point, but she's really the only friend I still see since the A. So I don't want to lose her, just in case the R doesn't work.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 - Don't give up your female friends.

2 - Don't hesitate to come back here when this relationship doesn't work out. Lots of people come here, get advice they don't follow, then come back so we can help them sort things out. Without blame, without condemnation. We'll do the same for you, Hon.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9681 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be forgiven, he must refrain from all behavior that violated the relationship - not just the infidelity but the preaching, criticism, hypocrisy and double standards.

A mighty change of heart is what is required, if he wants to go on the biblical message.

I see manipulation.

YOU are worth fighting for - but he has shown he's worthless.

He must become a new man.

And isolating you from friends is the old man with the double standards.

Nothing has changed.

Outward appearances mean nothing if the inward man is still corrupt.

I'd say - call the engagement off. If you must stay in contact and consider a future with him, take this relationship to over. See what he does. If he acts like he's been set free to do whatever self-and-relationship destructive thing he wants to, you have your answer.

If he goes to the lengths he needs to become that new man, then there's potential.

But he does not have ground to stand on, calling you to repent for not forgiving him.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2013
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean this in the most gentle way possible and then I will back off.

You have said you lost your friends, your family is even upset with you, your therapist has told you to get out of this relationship yet you have basically blown off what everyone is telling you to stay with this guy.

Also may I say 5 pages of people trying to help. And all it took was him getting you on the phone for 5 hours.

We will be here when you need us. Because this will end badly and you will see him continue after he has been "good" for a few days or a few weeks.

But I do wish you the best and also to be safe.


Posts: 5652 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LonelyGirl,

Quick question. Does he know that you are posting here on SI? His timing is uncanny, so it made my now overly suspicious mind, well, suspicious. He didn't happen to see you on the site one time and then make his way here, did he? I realize that he probably hasn't done this, but I thought I would ask.

Thanks for posting your update. Best to you.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question. Does he know that you are posting here on SI? His timing is uncanny, so it made my now overly suspicious mind, well, suspicious. He didn't happen to see you on the site one time and then make his way here, did he? I realize that he probably hasn't done this, but I thought I would ask.

I don't think so. I'm not sure how he would know. I only joined 2-3 days ago, and was posting at work.

We will be here when you need us. Because this will end badly and you will see him continue after he has been "good" for a few days or a few weeks.

Last night seemed different. But I do acknowledge that I may be in denial, or having co-dependency issues. I do appreciate all the advice that everyone gave me yesterday. It's amazing to me how many people are going through this horrible experience. I'm going to keep going to IC.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 129
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.