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User Topic: Feeling stuck? Maybe this helps.
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If you find yourself believing that you must always be the way you've always been, you are arguing against growth."--Wayne Dyer.

As a BS I totally get the feeling that our WS have to change much more then we do. Early on I actually thought my wife needed to change BACK to the person she was pre-A. I see the crazyness that is NOW.

This quote helps me. It frees me to be open to real and honest change within me...and helps me recognize one of the stop gaps that has slowed my processing of the affair. That is the original feeling that I did not have the A therefore I dont need to change. And I think early on that is a survival technique...this is big time betrayal and seriously traumatic...we do what we can to process it. And it is a lot to process in and of itself. If I had taken on the other hurts that I myself brought to our marriage pre-A it seemed like it would have crippled me...so, initially, I survived by thinking I did not have to change. (survival mode sucked)

I am past the survival stage now and am interested in real grow and R. To do this I must let go of what I thought I was and recognize that my true desire is to grow into the person I am to grow into.

Not sure exactly what that looks like, but I know what it doesnt look like...it doesnt look like the pre-A blakesteele.

Change is good. And, like truth, it should not be feared.

Hopefully this inspires others who are feeling stuck. I am not fully unstuck, but this helps a bunch!

Ultimately, do any of us (BS or WS) want to embrace the fact that we are who we are and that that will never change? Do we want our past to define us? Do we want to be that person who for the rest of our lives is cold and jaded and blames a failed relationship for our lack of growth?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:28 AM, July 19th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I believe there are 3 things that need to happen. The WS and BS both need to get into IC and heal/change and third, the marriage needs to be addressed and reconfigured.

For me .... maybe nobody else, I took the A as an opportunity to change. Of course I didn't have to, but I had my own issues, things I knew deep inside I needed to work on. It made no sense to me to send my H out to IC and change and get healthy while I sat on my own foo issues/relationship issues/life issues etc.

It isn't easy when we are wronged to look inside and see where we are lacking, but IMO if you want a healthy M you need two emotionally healthy people going forward. May as well jump in and do it.

Cleaning house inside me didn't have anything to do with taking on responsibility for the A, it had to do with me and being the best me there was.

Lets face it, in the days after dday the future is unknown. I think the goal of a BS should be to heal, find strength and empowerment in their ability and know however this journey ends that they will be ok.

I will never let my past define me, because I am the whole 45 years...not pieces. Just like my M will never be defined by an A or any other small piece. It's the sum of it's parts.

I choose to embrace all those parts and walk away happier and more blessed at this time of my life than I have ever been.

The blessings include my marriage, which wouldn't be possible if I wasn't also willing to look inside and face my demons too.

hmm...I think I lost my way a bit sorry to ramble


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3754 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the goal of a BS should be to heal, find strength and empowerment in their ability and know however this journey ends that they will be ok.

love this^


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure exactly what that looks like, but I know what it doesnt look like...it doesnt look like the pre-A blakesteele.

No...it will not! Post-A crossroads is constantly evolving...sometimes, I fall back into an old familiar mode, then I think about my vow to never be that insecure naive person and I realize that I am the only one responsible for my happiness and well-being. I am not sure my fWH can handle it sometimes...I think he feels like he doesn't know me and I am not sure he can handle it, but it is what it is...


Posts: 570 | Registered: Nov 2010
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake, I'm reading this and soaking it in. Truth is, before this relationship, I had exited an emotionally and verbally abusive one (I'd been in it for 9 years). When I left, I did some serious self-growth. I became more confident and self-accepting. I was truly happy with me for probably the first time in my life. It was under these circumstances that I met my current H and he was a compliment to me. I didn't NEED him, but I wanted him and I enjoyed him and I was genuinely happy. The A's took me back to the old me. The one I was before I left my ex. I don't believe that I must always be this person. In fact, I know I can be better. But I'm stuck on how to get there.

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((musiclovingmom)))...to be sure I am still kinda stuck...but feel my tires grabbing some fresh mud..and feel I am about to grab some traction.

Guy analogy...coming from a guy who gets stuck in the mud regularly...but hope it conveys what I intend it to about my "stuckness" of late.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do we want to be that person who for the rest of our lives is cold and jaded and blames a failed relationship for our lack of growth?

^^You have NO idea how much I needed to read that today! Hit me like a bolt between the eyes.

I have been struggling the last couple of days... it feels like I am trying to walk through thick syrup or something. Going nowhere fast.

The crux of my issue is this: I am stuck. Completely and utterly stuck. I feel fWH and I are making literally NO progress. None whatsoever. And it's me that's the problem. He is bending over backwards to do everything he can to mend things. He is working SO hard on himself, trying to be there for me, doing whatever it takes and I am just sitting there.... ground to a halt.

It has literally just dawned on me what I need to do to get us moving again...Well to be honest I think I knew all along, but I was just avoiding it or I didn't have the will/desire/wherewithal/whatever... to do it. What I need to do is "unbend". I need to soften my heart. Put down my anger. I am sitting here nursing my self-righteousness. I KNOW that happiness is within my grasp, all I need to do is take that step, accept the love and remorse fWH is offering me, but to do that I have to give up my "right to punish him" (and I've said 100 times "I don't want to punish him", but you know what? I DO!), I have to stop clutching onto the pain and anger and LET IT GO. And right there is where I am stuck!

I read the portion of your post that I have quoted above and this all kind of came to me! I have no idea if this is going to help me get unstuck, but at the very least it has helped me to acknowledge HOW and WHY I am stuck. So a HUGE thank-you for that!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 903 | Registered: Oct 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never let my past define me, because I am the whole 45 years...not pieces. Just like my M will never be defined by an A or any other small piece. It's the sum of it's parts.

Thanks for this karmahappens.... something worth spending some time thinking about.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 903 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itsaclimb)))
As we both know, our respective DD's are within weeks of each other. As I follow your journey I see us progressing in similar fashion...sometimes I am further along, sometimes you are....never too far apart. I am comforted by this.

In observing this pattern I see us "meet" at intersections occasionally. This is one such moment.

I feel similarly stuck...similarly that it is because of me that we are stuck. My wife is doing work too...but would not state that work as strongly as you state what your husband is doing...but she is working on our M and herself (so that might be a slight difference in our current situations)....there is still some tentativeness to her interactions with me...and part of that has to do with how I am interacting with her now too...so this is not a criticism of her.

I, too, fight the feeling to punish her...and that feeling is subsiding...but still there.

And that feeling hinders my ability to grow...I am really seeing that now.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."

Crazy as it sounds...I have tried to sugar coat the A and the betrayal I have felt...which led to a period of time where I actively sought to take a role in my wifes choice to have an A. How does this sugar coat it? It does in the fact that it takes some of the sharp edge of the hurt away from my wifes choice...it is hard for me to accept the fact that someone I loved and trusted more then anyone in my life could, on her own, do something so hurtful to me WITHOUT some strong hurt being dished out by me....kind of like I deserved this because I "fill in the blank with something hurtful" did this to her sort of interaction.

I desperately wanted to find what I DID to my wife that made her DO this to me. A journey that I was told was fruitless when i set out on it (through books and my counselor)...and yet, one foot in front of the other I went on that journey.

Please keep posting, keep trying...keep sharing the wisdom your pain is bringing to you so that others can benefit from it.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:55 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Foregiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me." is another part of forgiveness.

Interesting that you mention that happiness is within your grasp. As I stop and think about it...I feel it is within my grasp as well.

This is a very good sign.

"The light at the end of the tunnel doesnt have to be an oncoming train!"--Dave Ramsey .

He uses it to relate to financial stewarship...but I think it very applicable here...will think on this and post a new thread once I develop it a bit more....maybe for a while I thought that light at the end of the tunnel was more lies, another A...now I am seeing other possibilities....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:06 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad I'm still following this thread. Helps to realize that this is ok at this point in the process. My DDay - 8/16/12.
I've though about the idea of wanting to punish my H. For me, it's more that I want to know what he actually is feeling about his actions. He says he feels guilty and regretful and that he hurts. I believe him. It's written all over his body language and discernable in his tone of voice. However, I really want to know why? What is causing him that? Especially the pain. Maybe my need to know that is rooted in feeling like he needs to be punished and wanting to know that he is. Hmmmm.

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Musiclovingmom...already hugged you once on this post...twice would be inappropriate.

Didnt realize your DD was close to itsaclimb and mine as well...I know there is no standard path...but is comforting to see other people in similar struggles at similar points out from DD. At least it speaks to us not going crazy...or that we are all going crazy at the same time!

I feel your last sentiment. I see pain in my wife too...I see the hurt. I still wrestle with wanting to know more about that pain and hurt. Just like she would prefer I "internalize" more of my journey i would prefer she "externalize" more of hers..

Those hurts I experienced in the past immediately following my DD still haunt me. The first real pain and hurt I observed from my wife after DD was the hurt and pain she felt over "losing" her relationship with her AP. yes...I know that is in the past, that this was part of the fantasy world she created and lived in...but it still haunts me to this day.

Just havent seen that level of pain or hurt coming from her from the fact that she almost lost me and our family as we know it. (my perception of her...may not be accurate)....it is comforting to know that other members here experience much the same interactions with their WS...but it still hurts.

I guess some WS, such as my wife, detached so much from their married real life to engage in the fantasy life of the affair that it is unrealistic to expect them to really feel the loss that was at risk?

This is what I think musiclovingmom is perhaps trying to find an answer too? What is the real, honest source of pain and hurt within a WS following the death of the A?

As a BS we WANT to believe that eventually the WS pain and hurt comes from the hurt and pain they caused us and their realization that they risked a flawed but very real, mostly good, certainly workable (proof is what we are doing right now), supportive family unit for an illusion of a better life that was being built on lies and deceit....without really trying to work within the marriage to improve it before stepping out on it. But this may be an unrealistic expectation. I am making peace with this as part of the healing process.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:33 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been such a helpful post.

blakesteele I always follow your posts, there is so much wisdom and helpful introspection in them and as you say there is comfort in knowing that there is someone walking the same path. I find it so interesting to see how those of us with D-Days in the same time-frame seem to progress along side one another and go through similar ups and downs together. It is a great comfort, especially at times when I feel I have taken a step back or become bogged down (like now!)

At least it speaks to us not going crazy...or that we are all going crazy at the same time!

^^ this exactly

musiclovingmom - I never realised our D-Days were so close to one another. Antiversary just around the corner for both of us!

Maybe my need to know that is rooted in feeling like he needs to be punished and wanting to know that he is

I still wrestle with wanting to know more about that pain and hurt. Just like she would prefer I "internalize" more of my journey i would prefer she "externalize" more of hers..

^^ I really understand this. Especially in light of the fact that my fWH hid the affair from me for 8.5 yrs after it ended. Looking back now, I can say that in all those years I could see no signs that he was chewed up with guilt/remorse/unhappiness over anything.

I have struggled with that. I have been hard-pushed to understand HOW he wasn't overcome with guilt all those years and.....

I guess some WS, such as my wife, detached so much from their married real life to engage in the fantasy life of the affair that it is unrealistic to expect them to really feel the loss that was at risk?

...I think ^^ this kind of explains it. Compartmentalisation seems to be at the core of it. I can't do it, so it's hard for me to understand it. fWH said to me that once the A was over he "put it in a box, sealed it and hid it far far away" so it never troubled him much and when it did he stamped the feelings down.

Thing is I NEED to know that he has taken that box out and is examining its contents now and that he is feeling the pain and seeing the horror of his actions and what it has done to me. I need to know that he is fully comprehending it all and taking it on board now.

As a BS we WANT to believe that eventually the WS pain and hurt comes from the hurt and pain they caused us and their realization that they risked a flawed but very real, mostly good, certainly workable (proof is what we are doing right now), supportive family unit for an illusion of a better life that was being built on lies and deceit....without really trying to work within the marriage to improve it before stepping out on it.

^^ This exactly. I want to know that his hurt and pain is as a result of the fact that he finally comprehends what he nearly lost, how much his actions hurt me, how destructive and horrific his behaviour was. I DON'T want to be left thinking that his hurt and pain is caused by the fact that he is not enjoying all the drama that his confession has unleashed!

If his hurt and pain is caused by GENUINE remorse, by a real and heartfelt understanding of what he did, if it is real, honest-to-goodness PAIN, THEN I don't need to punish him, because that is punishment enough. THEN I could let go of this desire to punish him. THEN I would feel so much less vulnerable about taking the walls down. THEN I could feel

"The light at the end of the tunnel doesnt have to be an oncoming train!"

Wow, I feel like I am making some breakthroughs here! Need to go away and think about this some more and maybe have a chat with fWH when I have it all together in my head.

THIS is why SI is so important to me.... I have had so many aha-moments after reading posts here... THANK-YOU people {hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 903 | Registered: Oct 2012
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsaclimb - August will be an interesting month for me indeed. We were not yet married on DDay. I knew immediately that he was remorseful and and almost that wuickly that I wanted to pursue healing (hasn't made it any easier). So, a quick timeline of that week:
8/15 - positive pregnancy test (my son is not quite 11 months old)
8/16 - DDay
8/17 - my family arrives from out of town
8/18 - rehearsal
8/19 - wedding
So, I have my first anti and my first anni versaries coming up.
Tonight, my mother and I were talking about something completly unrelated and she said, "Just perspective, honey....looking forward instead of back." I've heard people say it. Here, they typically call it acceptance - realizing that the past cannot be changed, no matter how badly anybody wants to change it. I think I'm finally ready to hear those words. To really take them to heart. I've talked it to death. I know he feels badly. I know he understands how his choices impacted me. He is working to expose and correct his unhealthy coping mechanisms and the things that caused them. Looking forward from here doesn't feel like rugsweeping. It feels like the productive next step in building our marriage.

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well said musiclovingmom...I, too, think I am about done talking about this and move on without the fear of rug sweeping.

I gotta tell you....it sure is nice to feel that real, forward movement is at least in sight if not within grasp.

God be with us and support us as we courageously step forward along the path I believe you desire us to.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
pbandj
♀ New Member
Member # 39926
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to karmahappens: Thank you for some inspiration! I am brand new into this awful nightmare and I desperately want positive information, not negative. I'm on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life and need any conversation to calm my ride! Thank you again for your positive insight.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: long island
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) pbandj

It is the hardest experience I have ever been through.

But now that I am through it I am thankful I had the opportunity to make changes,get healthier and live a life that is truly blessed.

It is early for you and if you learn nothing else from SI take away the importance of healing you.

And remember when shit hits the fan, we are here...cheering you on.

When you feel a bit better open up and share.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3754 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 17

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