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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Looks like I'm the problem
tellmewhy
♀ Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were with a new MC yesterday still working on establishing an emotional connection. She has been working with WH on not just talking about his feelings, but also getting him to describe them and actually physically feel them. She then has him look at me and tell me how he feels about his actions and what he wants for us. He is good at the words, but the tone of his voice seems very flat (to me and to MC). She says that she believes he is sincere but is just having a difficult time allowing himself to really feel (retired military, very good at suppressing feelings).

Yesterday she looked at me and asked me to describe what I was feeling while WH was telling me how sorry he is, how much he wants to make up for all the times he has let me down, how he wants to help me heal from the A.

I couldn’t feel anything. I told her that I still had my wall up and it was very difficult to let his words penetrate. She asked me what would happen if I started by taking out several bricks at a time – what, specially, was I afraid of.

Then I had my ah-ha moment – what if I let the wall down and I feel no emotional connection? What if I find that the love really has died a slow death over the years due to his neglect? What would I do? Who would I be? I’ve been M over 2/3 of my life.

I know that I am a strong person. I have “survived infidelity” now for almost 3 years. I have come out of a very deep depression due to a lot of hard work but this really threw me for a loop yesterday and I can feel the dark clouds trying to return.

How do I go forward and push through this fear? I know, logically, that if I don’t let the wall down the M will definitely fail, but if I do tear it down, it just might fail. Right now it feels so much easier to not try, to not fail, but nothing about these last 3 years has been easy, and I’m still standing.

Please help me get some perspective. Need some words of wisdom.


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I had my ah-ha moment – what if I let the wall down and I feel no emotional connection?

No great words of wisdom her...just empathy...I am in my late 50's... with fWH for 35+ years...my whole adult life. Amazing that a wall that seemed to go up in a secind one fall day four years ago is so hard to knock down. I think the biggest issue is that the WS knows the whole truth, has the whole picture...even though they may want to supress it...and the BS no longer has all the pieces that made up our life. things we thought we knew...the relationship we assumed we were in did not really exsist...if we let our uard down we may lose even more pieces. Things have changed and this new relationship may not be the same. Sometimes I look at my fWH and after 40 years together, I think "who are you...do I know you..do I love you?"


Posts: 594 | Registered: Nov 2010
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((tellmewhy))

well put crossroads.

another consequence of infidelity.


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
tellmewhy
♀ Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crossroads and kiki,
Thanks so much for the kind words and hugs.
It makes the unbearable, bearable (somewhat).
This is such a long and difficult road. Just when you think you dodged one pothole you trip and stumble into another one. I guess the key is to keep going along the road and have faith that the way will get smoother and easier to travel.


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her that I still had my wall up and it was very difficult to let his words penetrate. She asked me what would happen if I started by taking out several bricks at a time – what, specially, was I afraid of.

I have been wrestling with this too. It is so, so difficult. Our attempt at R has ground to a halt and it is because of me. fWH is really giving it his all, he is working on his issues, trying to support my healing... all of the things he should be doing. Thing is, I have built these HUGE walls around me and I simply won't let him in. We are basically living like flat-mates. He is desperate to try to make our marriage real again and I am too scared to bring down those walls.

Why? What am I scared of? In my case I am scared of being vulnerable, I am scared of being hurt again, I am scared that if I "let him in" I end up to be one of those women who post here in 5 or 6 years time saying "he did it again, I forgave him and he cheated again"...

And yes, I am also more than a little bit scared that if I break down the walls I may discover that there is nothing behind those walls but disgust, resentment and dislike.... THEN I would have to do the scariest thing of all... walk away!

To be frank I think living without a fWH is a lot easier to contemplate when you are younger and have not invested so VERY much of yourself in a marriage. I have been with this man since I was barely 17 years old. I have invested my ENTIRE adult life in him and our marriage... I do NOT want to start over at my age, I do not want to give up my lovely home, my financial freedom, the holidays, the retirement I have planned... That is no doubt an unhealthy outlook, but it's how I feel honestly and it's part of what makes bringing down those walls so very terrifying.

I wish I had the answers for us. I wish I knew how to go forward and push through the fear. Part of the answer I believe lies in working on ourselves, working on our fears and weaknesses to the point that we are so strong within, that when we take down those walls we can face whatever lies on the other side of them. I think a LOT of my fear lies in the fact that I don't feel strong enough to live without those walls, to face the truths behind them. I need to work on that. I need to become strong enough in my own right to live without fWH if necessary. I think that is a key issue.

{hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 967 | Registered: Oct 2012
beyondalllimits
♀ Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMW, You need to dig deep. You need to understand where your fear comes from. Then, you need to let it go and fly on the wings of angels. :-) No, seriously, hand your worries over to a greater being. Your fears are right. We cannot control everything, hard as we might try. So, why waste the effort? Instead, trust that a higher power will handle keeping us in one piece with food on the table and love in our hearts. I'm not a religious zealot. I just know that helps. Once that is done, then let the fear go in your relationship. Trust your husband to love you in spite of your uglies. And pay him back by loving him in spite of his uglies... I think that has been one of the greatest gifts of the A (and I'm no fan of the A). My husband and I are not afraid to be wrong or make a mistake... we can just be ourselves now. Great book to read is the Art of Intimacy - about bringing ourselves to our relationships... Don't worry so much!!! Be yourself. ... give up the control... be free. (now, I sound like a flower child. lol) I wish you well! bal


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 28 yrs, together 33 yrs

Posts: 288 | Registered: Aug 2010
tellmewhy
♀ Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsaclimb, Everything you said is exactly the fears that I'm dealing with - how do you walk away after all these years and start over, but what if I stay and realize much later that it was the wrong decision, that the M was an empty shell because I can’t let him back in. He is doing just about everything he can do, but the wall (the fear) is massive. I have this vision of him on one side with a chisel and hammer trying to chip it down, but I’m on my side patching holes!

I am absolutely working hard on becoming the best version of me that I can. I am trying to face these fears head-first as I have done with the other issues in the M since D-Day. I have overcome a lot and I know that I will work this out – going through the deep, gut-wrenching soul searching can be exhausting, but worth it in the long run.

Send a PM if you want to “talk”.


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tellmewhy and itsaClimb

I relate so much to your posts. I also have built up thick walls around myself and will not let WH back in. I am scared of letting him back in, of being vulnerable, of getting hurt again.I already feel that I have lost the emotional connection we had (due to me shutting him out).

And yes, I am also more than a little bit scared that if I break down the walls I may discover that there is nothing behind those walls but disgust, resentment and dislike.... THEN I would have to do the scariest thing of all... walk away!

^^^This is what I am most scared of right now. I have been with WH since I was 17. I can't imagine life without him though lately I really feel like I need a fresh start. At the same time
I do not want to give up my lovely home, my financial freedom, the holidays, the retirement I have planned...

I realize that my future happiness is more important than material possessions, but I'm scared that this would be the wrong decision too, and that I wouldnt be any happier without him. I am just so confused and stuck, and so disappointed with myself. I have given up so many of my dreams over the years for the benefit of our marriage,family and what I thought were our common goals. Now I am left feeling like an empty shell. I have neither the marriage I thought I had, nor the career I could have had which would have allowed me to be financially independent by now, and in a better position to decide whether to stay or go.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
tellmewhy
♀ Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotMeToo
I have had this empty feeling too, even before D Day. Because he was military, my career always came second (and sometimes not at all). I lost so many friends because he could usually find something wrong with them. So I've ended up with no career and no support system. Sometimes the regrets over past choices can feeling like I'm drowning and wonder why I'm even trying.

But I'm trying very hard to keep my eye on the road ahead and make my future choices based on what's best for ME. I put my best interests aside for far too long and I won't let that happen again.

I really feel your pain - wish I had the words to make it better. ((hugs))


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
Topic Posts: 9

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