Topic: accept and forgive
Member # 39313
| Posted: 11:57 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
how long after d day did it take you if you did?
I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you
Posts: 360 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 30826
| Posted: 12:02 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I forgave him at 3 months out. Then realized I was just on an upswing on the roller coaster,lol.
I have anot accepted what he did. Every time I try to focus on WHAT he did,I can NOT do it. It is just unfathomable to me. I mean,I KNOW he did *this* but I can not accept it. Im still in shock,I think?
Forgiveness would require him to be honest with me. I can't forgive unless I have the truth. So,I haven't forgiven. I've come to realize I need to be able to forgive him. The anger...the rage...the pain...is eating me alive. But,until he can be honest with me,I can't do it.
So..to answer your questions,lol,I will be 3 years out in a few weeks..still waiting.
M: June 2001
Status: Happily Reconciled.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 7303 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 30024
| Posted: 12:05 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I feel it is different for everyone, and that it isn't a one time thing, it is a process. I am 3 years into the process and I really don't have any angst over forgiving or not, however, I do realize that to reconcile at some point you do need to come to a point of acceptance or forgiveness. I am very well into that process.
Personally, I feel a lot of members here waste a lot of time agonizing over the acceptance and forgiveness thing. I don't feel a BS or WS should worry about that in the beginning. There are so many other things to be worked on. In the process of working on all the issues as a team together, one day you may realize that you have started to accept and forgive. For most, I don't feel it is a lightening flash of acceptance/or forgiveness, but rather the slow recovery from a terrible storm.
BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 18429
| Posted: 12:13 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I forgave him at about 6 months after DDay. Took it back 48 hours later. Figured out I was nowhere near true forgiveness at all, just hopeful at the moment I said it.
It took me about 2 years after DDay to reach acceptance, and took another 6 months after that to reach true forgiveness. It's now been 3 years since forgiveness and I'm positive that it was true when I gave it and still is today.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 39068
| Posted: 12:20 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I long to be able to say ive forgiven you, but I know that that is based on me wanting to make him happy, since dday one of the thing I have realised about myself is that Im too focused on making other people happy and I am trying to focus more on making myself happy, its hard as im not entirely sure what even makes me happy as its been so long since I really looked at myself, but im getting there and learning,
D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012
Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36456
| Posted: 2:08 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
He's been home for 5 months now. Most days I think I have accepted what he did but then I find another little nugget of information and it sets me back.
I'm not ready to say "I forgive you" yet...but I have hope that one day those words come out of my mouth.
Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now
Posts: 787 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 38141
| Posted: 2:42 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
Fourteen months from d-day, 11 months from the first break in no contact, 9 months from second break in no contact and 3 months from third break in no contact.
No acceptance or forgiveness in sight....
ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.
Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 33539
| Posted: 2:59 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I'm 2 weeks short of the 2 year mark. i have accepted what he has done, but the forgiveness thing I am fighting with. They say that it is easier when you have a remorseful spouse, but in my cas, he is still trying to blame me for his actions so I'm not holding my breath on the remorse part. In my case it was a double betrayal, so I have twice as much to forgive. And he is STILL doing disgusting things so it is slowing down the process. I'm pushing to do it, though as I realize I need to move on with my life. But I'm hoping that by the 3 year mark I will be able to forgive all, it really is a process...
Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Member # 38116
| Posted: 5:36 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
The depth of the hurt and pain that my WH has bestowed upon me is too much to forgive.
I will never forgive him for this. In time, I do hope to come to an acceptance. I am just now at a year out and do not see this happening in the near future.
I struggled with should I forgive? Since I've come to terms with my decision, I've learned that yes, I am healing but true forgiveness will take some time. And that's ok.
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36976
| Posted: 6:18 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I can't imagine I'll ever forgive him (thought from 15 months out). I think that as time goes by it just won't be in the forefront of my mind anymore.
Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 34353
| Posted: 6:47 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I am a little over 2 weeks away from the first dday. I have accepted it. Forgiveness is something I struggle with daily. The MC keeps saying forgiveness is for me, not him. Intellectually, I know this. I wish someone would explain it to my heart.
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile
Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 22870
| Posted: 8:03 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I am 7 years out from the first affair, 5 years out from the D.
I have accepted what he did, but I will never forgive him. I'm ok with that.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
Posts: 7541 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 33247
| Posted: 8:16 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
After two years, I have finally reached acceptance. Forgiveness is a work in progress.
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway
Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 32912
| Posted: 8:23 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I am one week short of my 2nd antiversary. I have accepted what he did as I really have no control over that. It happened, and as much I would like to, I can't change the past. As far as forgiveness goes, I am no where close to forgiving him, and at this point doubt I ever will.
Married 27 years.
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land
Posts: 269 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 37629
| Posted: 8:31 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
I'm not concerned about forgiving. My goal is to accept and most days I feel pretty close. The A is easier than the following years of lies and meanness. That is going to be a real challenge to accept all those years.
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Member # 17484
| Posted: 9:11 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
it is different for everyone
I believe it is the same. It is something the true heart longs for. Truth being that which never changes.
Every situation is different, (you're right sister MS!) and the journey from your brain to your heart is different - for everybody.
the truth remains.
It is the one thing
that doesn't change.
The only truth is change?
Funny, since truth is that which that does not change.
(ht to trustedher)
Posts: 6529 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Member # 23266
| Posted: 10:04 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
It took about 3 years of continued DDays (I'm a slow learner) for me to accept he will never be the husband I want.
As for forgiveness, I don't think he ever wanted it bad enough to actually earn it. Sure, he did the showy things so he could to take credit for his effort, like going to MC. But there wasn't any results. Being truthful in MC, or monogamous and faithful wasn't something he was going to bother about. Not if it meant he'd have to grow up.
Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012
Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Member # 37165
| Posted: 11:47 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
It's taken 2 years of hard work but have come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.
We are still working in MC, and focus is now on just us. Building back that wall around US.
Forgiveness is yet another milestone on this long journey for me. Did I have to, no, I chose to. He is completely remorseful and doing the hard work in R, this helps greatly.
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama
Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38458
| Posted: 11:58 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013|
It took me about 4-5 months to accept that he is a disordered jackass and I am currently working on forgiving myself for choosing him as a husband and father for my children. I know that isn't what you mean though.
8 months after discovering the emotional affair and about 6 months after the final DDay of a physical affair and I am nowhere near the "I forgive him" point. The fact that he has caused so much grief AFTER the affair and is incapable of apologizing or seeking forgiveness will probably make that moment a LOOOOONNG time coming.
Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013
Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39707
| Posted: 12:03 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013|
I used to always say I never forgive nor forget.
This was said many times over many years before I was handed this shit sandwich.
I was referring to friends who had betrayed me. Never thought this might come into play with my husband.
So with being just over a month out of Dday.....I just don't know yet.
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
|Topic Posts: 28|