At the risk of sounding corny or simplistic, my attempts at R remind me very much of the movie Hamburger Hill. If you ever watch it you will remember that the GI's are fighting their way up a steep slippery hill covered in wet jungle and all the blood sweat and tears of many horrible past battles.
They fail day after day week after week. They rack their brains to come up with yet another strategy to try again, only to be shot down by a new and unforeseen triggerman hiding behind different obstacles.
My WW has repeatedly broken the rules, gone back to her OM, and refused to IC or MC. The one time she did MC I found out later she lied to the MC and had her thinking I was the problem and cause of all our issues. Blame shifting and projecting her problems onto me as my own is easy to do when you live under gaslight all your life.
I have not made it to the top of the hill, I do not feel I have won any battles, and I strongly believe she is on the other side still throwing bombs at me as I try to advance, even if it is by myself.
As for forgiveness, I cannot forgive what I do not understand and since the truth is buried deep inside her thick shells of pride and shame, I believe I will not ever know and she will not ever help me through any of that. Probably because she still knows she might want to go back to another one of her OM again and does not want to burn him in the process of helping me heal.
How long can you fight for a cause and not win because your WS is on the other side? My answer is I have been trying for 7 years since my first Dday and later learned there was another long term SA prior to that.
Why do I stay? It is the age old fear of leaving my family and kids for a problem they should not have to inherit because of my WW and her inability to do the work she should. She should have to suffer through the recovery pains not the kids, so I live in the hope she finally gets it some day and actually changes. Anybody got a spare miracle out there?
If anyone has any tips on how to accept so you can move forward without the closure of actually forgiving please let me know. I am stuck there too.