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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Guess I'm the cold heartless bitch...for now
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Received a frantic call from DD22. Her brother called her asking WTF is going on. Brief background: DS20 just got back from deployment to Afghanistan. He is the only one that doesn't know the whole story. It was agreed between the girls and I to keep it from him while deployed so it would not distract him. I am going to see him in exactly two weeks while passing through on business. The plan was that I was going to tell him everything in person at that time.

Fast forward to today. Guess POS decided to take a preemptive strike against me. He called DS on the pretext of asking him how to hook up the trailer to his truck. Then proceeds to tell DS that while he (POS) left the state in search of jobs to support the family ( ), he received an out of the blue phone call from me saying that I threw all his crap in the trailer, was kicking him out of the house, and now he has to fly back and drive his truck and trailer to the state where he is currently living with his mother. No other explanation than that.

So DS calls his sister asking WTF? She played dumb because she wants to wait until I talk to him in person. He told her he is not going to call me because he doesn't want to upset me and will wait to hear my side of the story when I get there in two weeks.

I knew POS would evade the truth, but never thought he would outright lie to DS! Par for the course I guess...

This makes me feel bad because I know DS is going to be thinking about all kinds of scenarios until I get there. When he finds out that his father lied to him and that he ran away after I caught him red handed at slut3's house, he is going to be furious. Until then I am keeping my mouth shut even if he thinks the worst of me because this requires a F2F conversation.

I know DS has to think there is more to the story simply because we have moved with that trailer many times and POS always hooked it up. DS HAS to be wondering about that lame-ass excuse for his dad to call him and tell the "story.!"

Guess I will be the cold-hearted bitch for the next two weeks, then the tide will change. Boy is it going to be a long wait!! My poor boy!!

What an asshole!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's fair to make him wonder until you can meet with him face to face. I completely understand wanting to discuss this in person but to let him go crazy wondering for two weeks is wrong.

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Hopeless.
Please call/Skype/Facetime with your DS as soon as possible.
It'll set his mind at ease to know what's going on. If he's like most of us, if you don't know the details, what you fill in with your imagination will be a lot more traumatic.


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6073 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he contacts me I will discuss it, but he told his sister he was going to wait until I get there. I can't call him first or I will be betraying my DD telling me about her conversation with her brother...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't do this to him. You can't let him suffer for two weeks. That is cruel. I think it's okay to call him, tell him his sister was concerned for him, and then have a heartfelt discussion with him.

The damage has been done already. If you let this fester for two weeks it's going to be permanent damage.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you need to betray DDs confidence. You can merely call & say you wanted to wait but just can't.

I appreciate though that all the nuances of family dynamics can't be explained on SI that are informing your choice. I'll encourage you to call/tell ASAP but in the interim just offer hugs.

((((Phoenix))))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NYep, call him. I'm sure that he can handle it over the phone. WHY take the fall for the pos and have your son possibly think the worst of YOU. Pos should have owned up and fessed up but is a coward. Please call him. Be the one he knows to be truthful.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jun 2007
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the suggestions. Rest assured, I would never do anything cruel or hurtful to my DS, and this will resolve itself in the best possible manner.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call him asap. Seriously. Do it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19795 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix; Gently, please tell him today. There is not one person on the face of this earth that loves me more than my DS. Not one.

Our phone conversations are a neccessity because he lives a six hour ride away in Brooklyn. He visited a few weeks ago for 2 days and now our phone calls hurt me more, make me miss him more.

You need to tell him. I understand not wanting to hurt him while he's deployed but he's safe now and can comfort you. I'm sure he will want to be there for you. In his heart. You need to do this for both of you.

You don't need to let him know you spoke with DD about it. Just say you wanted and needed to talk to him, to hear his voice and to have his strength wrapped around you.

Blessings dear.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I am going to be a cold hearted bitch too because you might not like to hear my take on this, but here goes:

There seems to be a lot of witholding of the truth and immature game playing here.

Let me just see if I got this straight:

You and your daughters conspired to keep son out of the loop "to not distract him". I would guess that when he finds out the entire family kept this secret from him that it will hurt him more than being "distracted" by the truth while being deployed would have.

Daughter and son have a chat-that you are not supposed to know about but she tells you. During said chat she "plays dumb" in other words she keeps the truth from him. (again)

You say you can't tell son the truth now because he would know that you and daughter talked........

And all this leaves room for WH to spin his lies.

And for your son to drive himself crazy with wondering what is going on with you but also why no one will tell him the truth!

I think maybe you all should try a little openess and honesty. Stop the talking behind each others backs and thinking that each of you know what is best for the other. Maybe all of you can skype or talk together to get everything out in the open.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but this behavior is not helping anyone. You all love each other and want to help and support each other and these lies are only getting in the way.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

get it out and done with. he knows something is going on. he doesn't want to call because he might upset you?? this young man just home from a deployment. he should be focused on re-acclimating to being home not focused on upsetting his mom.

just tell him!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give him a call to say hi. If he asks questions, give him the broad outline..he can ask the detail questions when you see him. He's home now; if this was happening to one of your kids, once you knew something was up, would you want to be kept in the dark for 2 more weeks believing a lie was the truth?


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call your son. Tell him on the phone. In person is better, but two weeks is too long, and who knows how many scenarios will go through his head during that time, nor what further damage POS will do.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rest assured, I would never do anything cruel or hurtful to my DS, and this will resolve itself in the best possible manner.

We all understand that. Your choices are examples of that. But transparency and honesty are best when dealing in matters of the heart.

Your son coming home from deployment has changed your boy into a Man. He will not appreciate being left in the dark 'for his own good'.

Not trying to bang on you...here are a few quotes that I mined from the other posters.

There seems to be a lot of witholding of the truth and immature game playing here.

I think maybe you all should try a little openess and honesty. Stop the talking behind each others backs and thinking that each of you know what is best for the other.

...this behavior is not helping anyone. You all love each other and want to help and support each other and these lies are only getting in the way.

...this young man just home from a deployment. he should be focused on re-acclimating to being home not focused on upsetting his mom.

just tell him!

My dear Phoenix, we know that you have his best interests at heart. I hope your young man will accept being kept in the dark and will forgive you all for witholding the truth about his family life.

Strength + ((((Phoenix, DD and DS))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been in a war zone. There's enough wondering there for a life time. Why add to the stress by making him wait?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't make him wait two more weeks. He's going to be constantly worrying about what's going on and that's not good for him right now. Not when he's in the middle of a war zone.

I think you did the right thing by keeping all this from him but now that the POS has said something I think you need to tell him the truth.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4691 | Registered: Feb 2008
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dilemma was resolved as he called me and asked what was going on. I told him everything and he is furious. I, singlehandedly, destroyed the life and family he knew in one conversation. My big strong soldier was trying his hardest to maintain his emotions but he was crying, hurt, and the father he thought he knew became an illusion. I know this is POS's fault, but it was me, his mother, that brought my child to his knees in emotional agony. My heart is broken for doing that to him. He did not doubt anything I told him, and said a lot of things make sense now, but he is crushed beyond belief. He had his father on a pedestal.

He also told me, afterward, that his vehicle was blown up by an IED on his last day in Afghanistan and he sustained a TBI (traumatic brain injury) as a result. He did not tell me before as he did not want me to worry. He is being monitored for that. So on top of that, I laid this emotional bombshell without knowing.

He was taking off on his motorcycle (after midnight) to be alone and think about things. I, nor his sisters have heard from him since. I am sick to my stomach that I had to destroy his world and am beside myself with worry.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, honey, YOU did not destroy his family!

(((HUGS))))

Your POS destroyed the family. You didn't do it. I know you feel like shit because you had to speak the truth. But you didn't cause this pain, Hon.

I'm so sorry for what you & your son are going through.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not your fault! It's the POS fault for having an affair and destroying the family. It's his fault for opening his mouth while your son was at war.

Btw, the news here in my state had a story about soldiers and TBI due to bombs. There's some sort of therapy where they go in this chamber that is filled with oxygen and it's supposed to help. I'll see if I can find a link to the story.

Found it:

http://kfor.com/2013/07/18/purple-heart-recipient-gets-relief-from-chamber-of-hope/

[This message edited by peridot at 12:56 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4691 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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