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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No New Friends
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like to be able to talk to other people, to tease them, joke around, lightly flirt (but never cross the line), and I like to be liked. I trust myself in that I wouldn't cross the ultimate line.

I like men who talk to me, not flirt with me. A married man flirting with and thinking I will like it puts him on my 'shit list'.

You trust that you won't cross the ultimate line. Will you cross the first little line? The next line???

Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are your principles?
What are your priorities?
You will feel authentic and peaceful when you figure those two things out and then act in accordance. Right now, it seems as if you are trying to follow rules set up by someone else. As has been said here ad nauseum, you cannot sustain that. Nor, in all probability, can your BS continue to serve as Jiminy Cricket.

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see that easily. It's a similar dynamic (at least from you and your wife's posts) that you both have. She'd post about things that she was struggling with and get advice to run then defend you. You'd post without the de rigueur shame and self flagellation.

Look, their situation like yours is between two adults. I've posted to your wife and feel the same way about that thread. There is a point where you stop being a "victim" and start becoming a volunteer. Your wife is perfectly capable of knowing what works for her and what doesn't. Others views are just that. Theirs.

You are stating what you need to be happy in a relationship. Doesn't matter who feels that's wrong, insensitive, not healthy, not remorseful. It truly doesn't. If your wife is not ok with it then I guess she has some decisions to make.

People change when they feel the need to. Those changes are consistent when those individuals honestly believe in those changes and are committed to the work involved to replace the old tapes and skill set with new ones. Not an overnight thing and no easy task. You're basically relearning and reprogramming. There was a thread on here not too long ago about boundaries. Some described some of theirs that seemed like rules, to me. There is a huge difference, again to me, between the two.

Your post actually is the image of what I was stating. Words like "allowed". The chafing against the imposed confinement. I don't see how any of that can work long term.

You are who you are. Your wife can make her choices based on that. It's not like anything is hidden. She knows. Question is, how long do you feel the need for "time out" until you say enough? What does that look like for you.

Your wife isn't paranoid. She's reacting to a very real threat based on consistent choice patterns from you. She's trying to control the nexus, she feels, and she isn't even close to the mark. You guys seem to have pretty different belief systems. Not sure how you reconcile those without someone making some pretty big sacrifices.

This x1000

If the differences in your belief systems create an either or situation, what do you do so you both feel safe, loved, and satisfied in your relationship?

Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When are friends allowed (in general)? When are new friends allowed... is it only if they are the same gender?

Considering how you feel, how you get your ego fed and your general sense of needing more than your wife for romantic stimulation while labeling it "friendship", I'd have to say that to keep your marriage sacred, you simply can't have new "friends".

IMO, by definition, friends aren't defined as those you flirt with to feed your ego. You might call that class of women "friends" to differentiate them from women you have regular sex with, are married to, or are dating - but to me the word "friend" can't be used to describe what you say you want.

The line between fidelity to your family and infidelity is crossed in your (our, anyone's) mind and heart long before it's crossed physically or verbally. In your case, it sounds as if you live on the "infidelity" side of the line in your mind and heart, and are just physically stopping yourself from crossing it in the final sense, through sheer force of will. Of course there's no amount of time that can pass that will make that safe in your marriage unless the mind/heart become faithful by choice. It's a "dry drunk" scenario. Still operating on the same principles, but refraining from acting on the principles for as long as you can hold out. And that's not at all a safe place for a spouse with more traditional views of monogamy and fidelity.

Also, I don't believe your wife sounds paranoid at all, simply realistic. She knows you. My guess is she knew this about you well before you were able to articulate it yourself. You simply don't believe what most of us here consider "infidelity" is wrong. Since you don't believe it's wrong then you won't change it, and because it's clearly incompatible with a healthy marriage to your current BW then my guess is you will go back and forth as you have been, achieving this status quo in which you continue to force yourself to be faithful, resentfully, while your wife waits for the other shoe to drop.

[This message edited by circe at 4:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
Topic Posts: 24
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