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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Moving away to get away from triggers???
Patchy
♀ Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're planning to move out of the area soon. My triggers are one of the reasons. Whenever we go to the new area I feel far more peace than I do when I'm in my own area.

My sister's ex had an affair. They moved to another state and her triggers were part of the reason. This was 30 years ago and she's remarried now, yet she recently went back to the area she used to live and said all the pain came flooding back when she was there. The point being, moving away appears to have been good for her. However, that's not to say she couldn't have stayed and eventually gotten over those triggers. I don't know.

Most people in my life are supportive of us moving. They understand how hard it is for me here and feel it will be good . . . a fresh start for us.

On the other hand, I have a friend who says if I move I'm letting the OW rule my life. I'm letting her win. I'm handing her the territory I now live in and moving isn't going to bring me freedom.

Of course I know that I can't run away from my problems. There will always be triggers of some sort, but it just makes sense to me that if I can eliminate a large portion of them, why wouldn't I?

I'd like to hear from other people who have moved and wonder how much it helped or did not help in getting over the pain, getting on with your life and ultimately feeling more peace. Or did you feel like you just gave the area where you used to live over to the OW or OM and let them rule your life?

I'd also like to hear from those who did not move and your thoughts about staying.

Thanks for your input.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For us it was kind of the perfect opportunity to move. A few years after d-day, DD graduated from HS and the property taxes where we used to live were killing us.

BH hated that many people in our former small town knew of my As and many places there triggered him. When DD was a junior in HS we started to talk about making the move, for financial and emotional reasons.

It was a good move for us. We only moved about an hour away so occasionally we do go back there and sometimes it's hard, so that lets me know it was the right decision. Just last week I went with DD to the doctor in our old neighborhood and I saw someone I used to work with where my As happened. It was not a good feeling.

So, yes we did and we have told nobody here about our past. That's what we decided together. And it feels good to have this fresh start, although I do miss my old town sometimes because we live in the sticks now and I miss shopping and good restaurants!!! And BH's commute doubled but he said it was worth it.

I don't look at it as letting the OP rule your life. I see it as empowering yourself to make a decision that will help you get to a place of peace.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37981 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought about this too. Everywhere I go I look at women and wonder if they were amongst the many he sexted with. There is no escaping it. However, I love where I live and I think if I left I would be reminded of all that I gave up by leaving here, and that would create a whole new level of resentment. Would that happen to you? What would you be giving up?


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
petite71
♀ Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The W that had the A with my H lives about a block away from me. For one I love my house,two it's almost paid off,& 3 I will not let her win. She a piece of work that should be embarrassed of herself.Off the subject... We can all get through this because we are stronger than they will ever be. The people who have A are weak minded people.


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 126 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew on dday that the only way I would remain with my WH is if he resigned his job, and found a new one in another state. Within 6mo my WH had secured a new job, the moving van was packing our belongings and we began our 1600 mile road trip to a new location.

Is my new home a trigger? NO
Is my neighborhood a trigger? NO
Is my WH work location a trigger? NO
Do the roads I travel make me trigger? NO
Will I ever see her? NO
Will she ever see me? NO

Did moving make her a non entity in my world? Absolutely.

I could give you 100 reasons why moving was beneficial and 1,000 reasons staying would have been detrimental.

Make your life easier... Move.

Without question this is the best thing we could have done. My life is better, I am happier, we are in successful R, my marriage is stronger ~ WH didn't destroy me. MOW didn't destroy me. Their disgusting affair didn't destroy me. My life, M, family remain intact ~ I WIN.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 5

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