My BF and I started going out at the end of Jan ’13 after meeting on an online dating site. We got along famously and he seemed a decent man. He is 43, never married but has a 17 yo DD from a previous relationship that ended 15 years ago. I am 36, never married and no kids. He used to be an extremely fit man – he swam competitively for our country – but following a motorcycle accident a few years before we met and diabetes he now has quite a few physical ailments.
We don’t live together, he currently lives with his parents as they are unwell and he helps care for them, but he has always been very open that by the end of the year he would like us to live together and get engaged. He is very loving and often tells me he loves me/asks if I love him. He told me that his last relationship was over 5 years before meeting me and in that time he was not sexually active, because she hurt him so much he didn’t want to get close to anyone.
When we were first getting to know each other we discussed previous relationships and we found out that both of us have been cheated on previously – he has actually caught more than one of his exes in the act, whereas with mine I found text/email evidence. So we had a discussion of what we find acceptable in a relationship, he told me he frowns on flirting with members of the opposite sex at all if you are in a relationship – he said it is disrespectful. I said that not only is there face-to-face flirting but there is also flirting by text/email and I find that JUST as disrespectful. We both said that if we were not satisfied with any element of the relationship or wanted to end things we would just be upfront and talk about it – NOT happily go off shagging other people.
Anyway, fast-forward to now, my gut has been telling me that something is up, so I checked his iPhone (I know that some people would frown on that because it is breaking his trust) and lo and behold last Monday he registered with a ‘hookup’ dating site – you can tell the sort of site as it has ‘Sluts’ in the title! He has added multiple ‘Favourites’ (all of them added while he was talking to me on our daily evening phone call : on this site although he has not sent messages to any of them or read any of the messages they have since sent him (but it doesn’t look like he had logged on since the Monday – I discovered this site on the Saturday).
I haven’t confronted him, but I referred to a previous conversation we had had about one of my friends finding out that her fiancé had been active on an online dating site (by active I mean has logged on/sent messages) and I said that if it were me I would just make screen shots of all the evidence and give it to the ‘cheater’ telling them it was over, no shouting, no asking for answers just end it cold turkey. BF got very quiet and a while later when I asked him what the matter was he said that he was worried I’d leave him for a younger, fitter man (who didn’t have the physical problems he has – he always says he feels like he is a disappointment to me in bed despite my trying to comfort him that this is not the case).
Part of me thinks he has done this out of some sort of need for validation – but as his photo isn’t on the site I don’t see what they are validating – and as he hasn’t actually contacted any of these women maybe he was just curious, but then it was only Monday that he joined. So I’m thinking do I wait a little while and see if he logs on to it again/adds more favourites/messages any of these ‘sluts’ OR do I just print off all the evidence now and end things – I know that when I confront him he is going to be pissed that I checked his phone/email and (from experience with my ex) say that he was just doing it to see if I was checking up on him. I really do care about this man and thought we had a future but I don’t want to waste my time on someone who is going to behave like this. Basically I think I want to catch things before I become a BGF!
[This message edited by CarlisleW at 8:40 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You cannot fix this man. He is showing you glimpses of who he really is.
You are obviously a caring and good person.
Don't minimize your situation!
There is no meter on SI over who has it worse.
He is on the path and your going along for the ride. Its a bumpy, miserable journey!
Thats all I can say
As hard as it is to hear, I would not be surprised if you were to learn that there is much more going on than exchanging PMs, email, or texts. People use those (usually paid) sites to meet people, usually for sex.
I'm really sorry. You're already a BGF. But you're also only a few months into a relationship with a man throwing up HUGE RED FLAGS.
You can't fix him. You can't change him.
Can you accept him just the way he is? Because really, that's all you have to go on.
[This message edited by solus sto at 9:45 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]
If he gets mad that you checked his phone then that's too damn bad. My ex was furious that I went through his wallet, credit card statements, and bank statements. Too bad. F him.
If he says it was as setup to see if you are checking up on him then that there is reason enough (to me) to kick him to the curb.
I'm sorry you had to come here. He sounds like a mess you can't fix. I wonder if those exes that he claims to have caught in the act of cheating weren't really HIM and HE was the one caught.
"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink
You have too much kindness in you and too much life ahead to waste it on someone so untrustworthy.
XWH died Dec. 2010