Yes, I was on AM , and it is where I would go when I was bored and wanted instant validation. It is a shameful part of my A that is difficult to deal with, but I certainly don't miss it. Tred gives me all the validation I need and then some.
Indifference is key. I know that. I have heard that many times and I can see that I am not quite there yet. I thought I was, but obviously I am not. It is where I must take myself. I don't carry a torch for my AP nor do I hope he misses me, because I know he doesn't. He had other AP's besides me. But hating him is still giving him power and I truly don't want him to have any power over me and our R.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Some guesses here:
*enjoying the relative anonymity of a web search to satisfy your craving for an update
*the secrecy (of the web search, the affair, etc.)
*avoiding taking true responsibility for the pain experienced by everyone betrayed by the A in which you took part
I like this quote I found in Wikihow about making amends.
"Making amends is about trying to repair or compensate for something you did wrong that harmed another person in some way, causing them to feel insulted, or to suffer a loss, injury, or some sort of damage. When you are in the wrong, clinging to misguided notions of a need to "preserve your reputation" at all costs, or simply being stubborn, are poor options when a relationship is at stake and the ball rests in your court to do something about it."
[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:57 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
These 2 statements jumped out at me.
I saw an article where he was interviewed and he mentioned things that I didn't know, so I became curious and searched.
How did you feel when you read that interview and there were things about him you didn't know?
I don't carry a torch for my AP nor do I hope he misses me, because I know he doesn't. He had other AP's besides me.
That comes across with some bitterness, so....Does it bother you to think that he doesn't miss you or that he had other AP besides you?
Have you ever given Tred the full truth? Does he know every single thing? Have you done a timeline? Offered a poly? Have you been 100000000% honest about everything? I've watched Tred's posts and it's evident, he doesn't feel he has the whole story. (Ya know that gut feeling?) I can't imagine what he's feeling. The hidden truths. Only you know them. He has no clue of the depth of your A and everything around it. Because you're still hiding. You're still in self-preservation mode.
Look, you can't rebuild unless you have completely knocked down the old building. You can't have random partial walls and piles of rubble and expect to rebuild on that. You do that IRL and the building inspector will reject it, make you demo, and restart all over again.
Sand, you're running out of time. Do you realize that? Every day you hide, every day you minimize, every day you pretend you don't have this huge gaping wound is one step closer to the end.
Are you happy with you? Have you graduated from IC or did you walk away because you can't stand to look in the mirror?
QS and I have followed you and Tred for a long time. Maybe cause we have close Ddays. We are rooting for y'all.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
I am curious as to why, after all your time here, you didn't tell him? He had to ask you. You knew that you had broken NC, why did you not offer up this info to him?
[This message edited by noescape at 7:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]
but this is a continual process
FRM, you are right, it is a continual process. I do not feel that I am done working on myself and I continually try to make Tred feel safe. I fucked up. I know that and I hate that I did. Posting here has made me realize that I still have work to do on myself. As I said before, I felt that I was doing OK with not giving a shit about my AP. But obviously googling him shows that I have not completely let go. Indifference is where I want to be. I seem to have stopped at HATE and I felt comfortable there. It is time to move on to INDIFFERENCE.
No Aubrie, I don't feel that I have 'graduated' from IC and it's not because I can't stand looking in the mirror. I stopped going because she felt we were done, not me. She is more of a life coach then someone who understands infidelity. If I was still seeing her and told her about this situation, she would say something like 'you had a weak moment'. She wouldn't be sitting with me digging. But she helped me look at my past & understand my coping mechanisms. I looked for a new IC and they all seemed to be like my old one.
TG, I didn't tell him because I knew it was something I should not have done. I was ashamed.
I am not perfect but I am trying my best to become a better person then I was. As I said before, I still have much work to do.
Yes, I was on AM , and it is where I would go when I was bored and wanted instant validation. It is a shameful part of my A that is difficult to deal with, but I certainly don't miss it.
How would annonymous strangers wanting to hook up provide validation? Are you sure it was that or was it excitement and risk?
Do you consider people sport? I know that sounds really snarky but I'm legitimately asking. I'm asking because I can understand it. People are fascinating.
I love horses. I have riden my whole life, just about. I found being around them and working with them amazing. I learned about them. Would watch them interact with others. Who they followed. How they communicated. The ear point. The flared nostril. The nicker...squeal....snort. All very distinct and different. By learning I could read them and enjoy them. I could also manipulate them and get them to do what I wanted them to do.
Would that be something you were doing? Seeing how you could get men to respond to you? The harder the task the more interesting it became?
I have wondered if that's why you see some "performing" acts not normally in the repertoire. Not because they're fun but because they work to get a certain result.
I wouldn't wear spurs at my job and find them cumbersome and noisy. I do get results with them, though....only when I ride, of course. Have considered them while parenting, not gonna lie.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Stilllovinghim has TWO posts on this thread that get to the root, for me, of the clinging and negative cyclical "mind fucking", and the healthy parting of ways with that behavior which allows the good stuff to take hold, and true recovery to begin.
Great thread. I leave the country for a week and a half and all sorts of great stuff (yes, tough stuff) awaited me upon my return. JD