My new husband was a 35 yr old bachelor, never married, no kids, when we got together. I made it clear that 1. I was not having more children and 2. I only would entertain a future with someone who loved my kids as their own. If that wasn't for him, I understood.
We are very happily married and he is an amazing, devoted (step)father to my 3 kids who soak up his love after their father left. In his own words, they are not "my" kids, they're "ours".
Wait for someone that wants you AND your kids.
I'm 35 with two four yr olds. My children already have a man in their life (their father) who is absent and pretty much never wanted them from the get-go. That is not what I want in a partner. I want someone who wants to be in my life and in my children's. I too want a person who is involved in our family life.
You can't make someone care about kids or love your kids. This woman has already told you how she feels. Resentment will build on both sides if you are forced to abide by her wish to stay distant, and she'll have resentment if she feels you pushing.
I think there are better matches for you out there. Definitely don't introduce your children to her.
[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
And, she's been very honest - listen to what she's said, and definitely trust your gut.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
It is really tough to be a step parent. I have considered ending my relationship with him b/c of his kids
^^^Me, too! Waiting TOO long to introduce kids is dicey. You are living parallel lives while dating, not fully knowing the other person's true lifestyle if you aren't around the children.
I think it's individual as to when children should be introduced. You know what is best for the kids,if they'll get attached too quickly to someone who will leave or if it's the right time and you'll bond as a group and this is going to last a long time.
I think you already have your answer in this relationship though. Find a woman who will embrace your true life,not the fantasy one she probably built up in her mind. My BFF is divorced because her childless, bachelor husband did that. Reality didn't match his fantasy.
[This message edited by I.will.survive at 6:02 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
Traildad, you need to find a woman out there who loves kids and would welcome yours into her life. I'm sure there are women like me in your area, women who love kids and thinks the more the merrier, women who would love to pile together at the end of the day with your kids and her, happy & tired & loving life. Your kids deserve a female role model, possibly even a stepmother, who would love them like her own.
^^^^Thank you, this summarizes my thoughts and hopes perfectly.
Thanks all. She ended up emailing me last night saying that she felt I wasn't giving her enough attention, that when I was with my kids it's as if she wasn't a priority. She said I didn't call enough, etc. I have since ended the relationship.
As many have stated here, I feel like someone who already has kids would "get" my situation better and might be a better fit. Moving onward.