Porn, for my WH,was the slippery slope into cheating with a live person. WH also hid it from me..even when I was ok with porn..he still hid it from me..it was the sneakiness,the lying about it that was the real issue. That and he chose porn over sex with me many times.
If he is deleting the porn,he is being deceptive..a HUGE no for a WS who wants to R with his BW.
Um..you're "snooping" is not the problem. Actually,you shouldn't have to snoop at all..he should be transparent..an open book. He should welcome you "snooping" because every time you do..and find nothing..it rebuilds some of the trust he destroyed. But..when you find something..it shows you the WS isn't as investing in R as you thought he was.
Transparency has to be a new way of life after an affair. What he wants is secrecy..he wants to hide things he knows will cause a problem between the two of you(like his affair). There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. Privacy..that is for going to the bathroom alone(without their phone,of course).
Have you laid out your requirements for R? Have you set boundaries? It is absolutely ok for you to tell him no more porn.
He says he'll go to IC..but dday was a year ago..and he hasn't. He's also still engaging in wayward behavior and lying to you. What consequences has he had as a result of his A? Did he get tested for STD's? Did he answer all of your questions? Is he still? Do you have full access to all of his accounts,and cell,including passwords? What is he doing to try to R?
Im sorry. He doesn't sound to focused on healing the damage he's caused.
[This message edited by confused615 at 11:04 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I can give you my current husband's perspective on porn as well as my XWH's perspective.
XWH used porn daily (ramping up to multiple times per day). It bothered me and we discussed it. He said he wouldnt use it any more, then continued to do so behind my back. His actions did not match his words.
Current husband does not use porn. I have never found evidence of porn on any computer, device, hidden under the mattress, in a closet, etc (and I've helped him move twice while we were dating). To him, porn is disrespectful to women, ESPECIALLY if you are in a relationhip. His actions DO match his words.
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.
Sounds like an addiction to me.
Personally - I'd have to question both your huband's honesty and his boundaries:
He promised to not view porn after DD -- YET, he admits his ongoing vewing of porn; even a few days ago.
He said he'd go to counseling/therapy -- Now says he views counsling as pointless.
He claims to be a changed man with boundaries - and says he will never cheat again.
Isn't that what marriage vows are about: A promise of fidelity?
If you truly do not believe he will stop viewing/surfing PORN....then you need to make A CHOICE yourself:
Are you willing to remain in a marriage with a man/husband who will probably view PORN on a daily basis, OR NOT?
It's your Choice - because you've come to the conclusion: He is not going to STOP viewing Porn.
[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 2:00 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
What may be adult "entertainment" for you and your WW is fine. But for some of us,porn was the gateway for our WS's into cheating with an actual person. It has been extremely damaging to my marriage,and many others.
I used to watch porn with my WH too..a lot of it actually. It was almost always a fun time..until I found his hidden porn..and then realized the reason he only wanted it once a week was because he was jacking it to porn every day..and wasn't in the mood for me.
Porn is not ok in my marriage. YMMV.
[This message edited by confused615 at 4:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
It's easy to say that porn is the "guy thing," and I used to believe that, too. I also believed that it was acceptable to watch with the spouse. I no longer believe that, for 2 reasons (not because of my A):
1) it took my sexual focus and energy away from my spouse, even when we were watching it together, and
2) it inhibited my empathetic growth.
Once I realied that these other women that I was looking at -- and jerking off to -- were actually REAL women, and were daughters, sisters, mothers, girlfriends, and wives, it made it much easier to quit.
I lacked empathy for much of my adult life, and porn is a major reason why.
BW22, there was no porn agreed upon for your R, and that's that. Even breaking that "a little bit" means that porn is more importantto your WH than you are, or your R is. That's it. I hope he gets it, and if this is a true addiction, he is willing to get help.
Hang in there! It's not your fault, and it's perfectly acceptable to ask him to completely, and totally, stop.
Porn addiction is rampant. Read "Our of the Shadows" for the complete story. It is like romance novels for women, cigarettes for a smoker, alcohol for a drinker, food for an overeater etc.
I agree, reuildingman, with everything except porn addiction being like romance novels. Romance novels are fun, positive, sexy, and often well written. Infidelity is very rare in the stories and when present, condemned.
Most of today's romance novels feature healthy relationships, and put millions of women in the mood for sex with their SO's. IMO, there is no comparison with porn, cigarettes etc.
It sounds like your H is making progress, but he still has work to do.
It is not "pointless" for him to find the reasons why he cheated. What did he tell himself to allow such hurtful, risky and morally wrong behavior? Poor boundaries is a start, but why were his boundaries so poor? This often goes back to FOO. FOO issues can also be the roots for addictive or compulsive behavior (which is often self-destructive). For example, my WH's parents were alcoholics. He's not an alcoholic, but he learned many unhealthy behaviors from them.