I have a repentant and remorseful WH who is working hard on himself and our relationship since DD 5 weeks ago. We are in MC and reading all kinds of books together, talking a lot, and spending a lot of time together. I'd say he is mostly if not totally out of the fog of the affair, has written an apology to the AP's husband, (a friend of ours) and thus far doing everything he can to make amends.
I keep reading about the 180, and while some of it makes sense, I don't understand the purpose of it if the WS is on board and doing what he should. Like, not having dates or saying "I love you . . . ". Some of these things seem important to move the relationship in a positive direction.
Can someone shed some light on this for me? Is the 180 just a way of trying to get control in a relationship where you don't have any?
I edit, therefore I am.
The 180 is to strength the betrayed. Below is the link.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
You mention it sounds like a way to control your WS. I don't think it is controlling anyone but yourself.
It is, instead, a way for the BS to recognize and accept that their WS has decided to break their vows and damage the marriage that we agreed to be a part of and stay committed to--for better or worse. It is a path to a healthy spot for the BS to stage and process until the WS decides to repent. And if that time never arrives the BS will start their life from a new and stronger vantage point then if they held fast to the illusion that their original marriage was somehow not changed forever and that they had the power to change the way their WS felt.
First time I really thought this 180 thing through like this.....be interesting to see if I am close to understanding it on a deeper level then the....have to make yourself healthy before your marriage can be healthy.
I am really pondering this death of your original marriage thing....didn't meant to high-jack this post.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
Moving forward, it is exciting to reimagine what our marriage can look like. Unfortunately, the affair itself causes so much pain and heartache that it is like building a house in an area where a bomb hit.
I have had the same recurring revelations about my marriage as you have about yours.
How much easier would our combined brokenness be to fix had our spouses refrained from bringing the added weight of adultery into our marriage...and had the courage to deal with our marriage issues WITHIN the boundaries of our marriage?
but as I am getting wiser, our marriage was in a bad spot and had some long-term unhealthy dynamics. We were largely loving and good to each other, but some important needs were not being met on both sides.
Just want to clarify...many marriages are like this, but it is never a reason/excuse to cheat...you get that , right? That there is nothing you did wrong that caused this?
Whatever the dynamics were the WS has a choice to address the issues, attempt to resolve, get into IC/MC or leave....an A is an escape from the M and not a choice in the equation. This is not on you at all....
it is like building a house in an area where a bomb hit
You are...so that is why it is of utmost importance to rebuild the foundation. IC and emotional health is such an important piece. Without it,the walls crumble.
Good luck (((hugs)))
[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:37 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:48 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
We all have issues to resolve in our M's....but the deep personal ones that tell a person it's ok to look outside the M are key.
It's pretty wise if you think about it.