His behavior and demeanor had changed drastically. He was suddenly interested in fitness and buying new clothing because of weight loss. Mostly, though, confusion about his unexplainable and irrational rage at me. He was just plain mean.
He constantly checked his phone over and over all day long during the weekend and became angry when one day, while visiting relatives, our 12 year old niece picked up his phone and was playing with it. He yelled at her and I could tell others familymembers were then having suspicions also.
He kept his phone locked and always deleted surfing history.
I did catch his phone unlocked one time and looked at his tasks app. He had listed all these bizarre tasks. "I love you". "You look great". Etc. these were all specifically things he would say to me. I confronted him and he said he had absolutely no idea how those task items got onto his phone. He gaslighted me and I allowed it happen because I couldn't believe he would be so low as to cheat. I was so numb and dead (lot of foo issues with me because my dad was a serial womanizer and use to take me with him when he met with his girlfriends.)
Suddenly, his "friend" (a former coworker and longtime friend of my husband and acquaintance/friend to me) started appearing in more and more of our life. She had adopted twin boys and hubby suddenly decided he wanted to be their mentor (OW is unmarried but with two kids now). The boys were half chinese/half caucasion, OW is Chinese and hubby would go over to her house and "tutor them" in English. (How could I be SO STUPID!).
Hubby loves to cook so he would make grand meals on Saturday and take half of the food ("leftovers") to work to share with "co-workers".
Hubby years earlier started writing checks to himself each month for incredibly large sums on accounts that he set up in only his name. I asked him about it and he said it was for taxes or some large bill we had and some was for business travel. (Part of my ignorance is we became wealthy by his company going public and I was naive financially so let him take completely over the reins of dealing with the finances. He put pretty much every account we had in his name and I, stupid idiot, let him because I felt inferior, my foo issues). He still takes out $200 a week so I don't trust we're in reconcilliation. He says he needs the money for lunches but he charges or ATMs most of them.
Years earlier, we were out to dinner with my inlaws and he got on the topic of money and chewed me out for taking out $40 a week. I usually only took out $20 but had just recently then took out $40. He accused me of giving it to one of my friends who was having financial troubles. His confrontation was out of line and I knew something was going on but it was years before I was willing to face it.
Anyway, over time he was spending more and more time "tutoring the boys," even buying a Catholic children's bible for them because OW had now designated him their godfather (what a joke!). He threw me off by encouraging me to go to the OW's house with him to tutor and that we could all go out for dinner afterwards but my instincts led me
to say no. OW and her boys went with us to our vacation house on vacation (we often took friends to our vacation home) and hubby had the boys calling his parents "grandma" and "grandpa.". No one said anything to me but I knew the entire family (his siblings and their families), who were there with us, had suspicions.
I stared him right in the eyes and asked him if he was having an affair and looked me right in the eye and
said no way.
I pretty much completely detacted and ignored him for the years this went on but then would get fits of fury in private and research all I had access to and what I could access on his computer. I just couldn't find concrete proof. I found much that made no sense but hubby, being the charmer liar he was (everybody loves what a great guy he is, the life of the party type) , knew what to say to shut me up.
Then, last November, I went onto the computer to do some on-line shopping for Christmas and saw a window was minimized to an email he had sent her that morning saying how very, very much he loved her.
But my gut knew:
1. Worked out at home constantly
2. Tanned during the work day
3. Went out almost every night
4. Phone glued to him, constantly texting.
5. Hiding the phone when it charged.
6. Hostility towards me.
7. Attempted sex was a failure.
8. Zero affection towards me.
9. Always calling me Mommy instead of my name or Honey.
10. Stopped wearing his wedding band because it was "too flashy" even though HE picked it out.
and the number one gut feeling...
When I asked him to his face if he was cheating on me,he answered a weak NO and didn't look me in the eye. He should have fought harder with that lie,yet I swept it under the rug.
Found out the truth when she showed up my house and TOLD ME. Ugh. What awful memories.
Looking back I should have known by his erratic behavior. I thought it was his new job and the stress. I was so stupid. Thought he would never cheat.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 8:13 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
Playing along with the "just friends" line, I would ask in a bright and cheerful voice, "How's Just Friend these days? Have you talked to her lately?" I had begun collecting evidence in earnest by then. It was often amusing, what he would tell me vs, what I knew. (Telephone records showed a 2-hour conversation the day before, but he claimed he hadn't talked to her for a week--that kind of thing.)
The third confrontation was not pretty.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
I remember once at Christmas time right before they stated up - He came to me and was so excited because he had come up with this great idea of exchanging gifts with all the neighbors. Something of course we had NEVER done. So he gets all giddy and tells me to go over and talk to Whore-a-celly because she was the one putting it all together. And get this......she had already picked the names of everyone. So get this.....she got his name and he got hers. (Now there's a big fucking surprise) Well needless to say the exchanging of gifts never took place. But a couple days later h brings home a tiny little ceramic turtle with a baseball cap on that "she" had given him. He just went on and on about how "she" just had to get it for him because he loved baseball so much. Now if that's not enough to make you run to the toilet right now and puke your fucking guts out then I don't know what is???? The point is that some months later I found out that ow had come up with the exchange idea not my stupid ass lying h.
....and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "how do you know I haven't already found someone"? with an almost smug look on his face. (I still thought he was just trying to hurt me because I just knew he would never cheat on me. So I just rolled my eyes at him.
He told me he had cheated and I didn't believe him!!!!
He told me he had cheated and I didn't believe him!!!!
Same here- day before I went into hospital to see if I had breast cancer he tells me he doesn't want to come with me, doesn't even want to be with me and only stays with me incase I'm gonna have cancer (asshole!)and then tells me he's getting his sex elsewhere as we don't have enough.
Cue me in bits on the floor and him saying he only said those nasty things because he wanted to shake me up and stop me from worrying about the cancer!
I guess I knew for sure he was cheating when he shaved his pubes and left the evidence in the toilet!! He only ever did that to groom his manhood ready for sex....and he was going to work so wasn't going to be screwing me now was he?!
And the first time they had a sexual encounter he literally had to scrape the dog's sniffing nose off his crotch area whilst rushing past me (when he came home after work) saying he just had to shower as he'd had a sweaty day! Gees- remembering all this stuff makes me wonder whatever the hell I saw in this asswipe!!
Oh- and the time he didn't come home from a work function all of a sudden stating we'd discussed it and he'd told me he was stopping over(err- you NEVER stop over at social functions!).... that was their first sexual encounter
Something really weird happened that night which confirmed he was cheating but it's so freaky I'm still (even after all this time on here) wary of sharing it on here for fear of being ridiculed or not believed... I need to man up
[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 2:30 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]
.....I just chose to ignore them because I thought he was a better person than he really was.
I love this line (thanks TICKEDOFF) because it really reinforces for me that as a BS, I wasn't a blind/stupid idiot but had faith in her promises.
It's also amazing how similar our experiences are in many ways.
To join in:
- after seeing a strange name appear as a text on her phone, I asked who it was - "Oh you don't need to worry about him, he's a gay guy I know from London" (it was 4 a.m UK time)
- always shopping, never buying (also asking me if I needed anything from the store but then forgetting)
- suddenly angry, spiteful, mean and "entitled"
- Curious as to why she had to "go to a cafe" to work, I asked if I could sit with her, bring a book etc. She angrily said "well you'll be bored stiff", and then "well, I just won't go", and then a dark dark mood all night.
- phone face down
-phone "angled away" from me as she typed
- surprising: dressed down not up. Funny, I used this as a source of denial thinking that she'd be dressed to the nines if she was really having an A.
- after DD, I caught her trying to set up a text service from her computer, she said it wasn't to communicate with him but for "privacy" when texting her mother WTF?
- phone "ran out of battery and I had no charger " when I was trying to find out where she was, but then forgot and asked me to get her charger out of her car while taking out trash
Both times I had NO clue! DUH!! I guess that's why it was so f'n easy for him
First one (very short) he acted like an ass for a few days. Getting ready for a BIG party we were putting on, I made the mistake of asking "what's wrong? want a D?" to which he answered "yes"! Found out who within 2 hrs, from HER fbf, and Skank was at party!
This big one: OMG am I a f'n idiot or what?? We were have MAJOR problems with me, h, and DS. Fighting more days than not, so even tho he was being an ass (again) I was so wrapped up in the family shit, never saw it coming. Even tho I asked numerous times, too, "are you on Classmates?" "is there someone else", all the same questions. He never hid his phone, as we did not have text/data. But when I looked for DS's number, bitchface was listed under a letter, no name. Busted his ass that day in MC!
Now, his actions are saying "I'm a good boy", but I have hit the "I don't give a rat's ass" phase!
Can't even trust my own stupid gut, for damn's sake!!
1. She was super nice to me
2. She was full of energy
3. She was hyper vigilant with her phone
4. She kept unusual hours
5. Always on her computer
The first time they slept together was on a business trip. During texting conversations, I noticed he'd avoided telling me what he'd done one night when I'd asked what his plans were. I actually asked the same question again (must've seemed weird to me because it was out of character for him) and still got no answer. That crushed me. I didn't expect an A, though. Ever. I just thought he was eating out with someone he knew I'd object to (an EA).
Then he left on a 10-day business trip a day earlier than necessary (to catch a connecting flight). No big deal because it was to Hawaii. Why not have an extra day there to sightsee? Except it meant missing his DD's last major performance at school (again, out of character) AND he mentioned "we" when no one else from his workplace was going on this trip. When I questioned him, he acted surprised that I didn't know others were going from different sites.
The other clues were things I noticed, things not normal, but things easily explained away. Like his texting on a long drive home from a family vacation while I drove. He usually drove but there was no reason I couldn't so when he asked . . . Or his coming home from work early after a half-day and having the laundry already going (that particular day is my weekly laundry day) when I got home from work--especially since he only washed HIS underwear and we have a huge washer.
He'd always been intolerant, so that wasn't a behavioral change. He stopped being affectionate, but he'd bombshelled me with an announcement--out of the blue--that he was now an atheist instead of devoutly religious and so we (I thought) were tiptoeing our way around this new normal. I remember a conversation about a couple we know well, from church, who were getting a D. The husband texted her while she was at church that he was leaving, moving in with his secretary, and raising her two sons. He wasn't at church because he'd left religion, too. So I asked my WH, pointblank, if he was planning the same thing (which he was). If he was going to break my heart (because of the atheism claim), I said, he might as well get it all done in one fell swoop. He said that just because he didn't believe in God didn't mean he no longer loved me and our children. I believed him. Silly me.
Sounds like WSes are all the same. And we, because we love them, give them the benefit of the doubt. I never will again. But I understand how BSes, the first time, are so easily duped.
What a club we belong to!!!
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 7:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
What amazes me is the trust we put in them only to find ourselves belonging to this shit of a club.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway
Asking me is someone from another country would need a passport to visit the USA. I don't know why but that question got me to snooping.
Who dares, wins
For Christmas, my daughter in law gave me a pass to visit a physic/medium. I just about cancelled my appointment. At the end of our session, she looked at me and said, I want you to know that your husband has been cheating on you.
She was right. I approached him and I could see it in his eyes and facial expressions. He denied it. Denied it for awhile. But she was right. He did. I was shocked and yet not surprised.