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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Gah! Meeting/making new friends so friggin difficult!!!
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Shutup  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted this same sort of vent before, and I see similar posts quite frequently... so here's another go

In this town, I seem to have one friend. Right now our friendship is more off than on. She has a BFF she works with and also spends every other day with, so I'm already relegated to occasional get-togethers (and usually the BFF is invited, also).

None of that's a big problem when we're having fun talking or going to estate sales or whatever. But since I was away last year (during which she emailed me a lot about how she wished I were living here) and have moved back, we see little to nothing of each other. I feel like shouting "I'm here! What happened to all the getting together you wanted to do!?" Sometimes I wonder if, without my marital drama, I'm not particularly interesting

Anyway, I really want some friends. Pathetic, right? I get together annually with old high school buddies -- out of town -- and we have a blast. I get together with old summer camp buddies every few years and we have a blast. I just can't seem to create that kind of group dynamic anymore in the here-and-now.

And, yes, I've tried meetup (turned out to be a singles-type thing), and I also volunteered at the local cat shelter until that got awkward with a volunteer couple who (I now know) are dating but kept it such a good secret that I had no clue, and me stepping right in the middle of it thinking the guy was kinda/sorta flirting with me. I said something in reply to him, discovered I'd royally stuck my foot in my mouth, and have stopped volunteering there at least for the time being. It's like even not being interested in men seems to cause me problems.

Just venting... Just wishing I had a group of friends I could sit around with and share stories, drink a few beers and hang out. It doesn't SEEM like that's asking so much, but...


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having the same problems here.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm in the same boat too.

Making new friends seems to be getting more difficult the older I get.

It sucks.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time making friends as well and right now I'm down to one friend who is about to have a baby and we rarely get together.

I'm planning a move in the near future and am already trying to come up with ideas on how to make friends in new town. Some of my ideas are to join the YMCA and take some classes, maybe take a few classes at the community college, see if the library has any book clubs or other activities.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
travels
♀ Member
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a tough time making friends. My childhood friend is no longer speaking to me. She had an exit affair and I called her now exhusband to see how he was. She didn't like that.

Others my age have young kids and are more interested in spending time with their families than a single friend.

I do enjoy the meetups I belong to, but I haven't made many friends there.


When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the main reason I'm moving back close to home. I've always had the type of relationship with childhood friends where we could pick up where we left off without missing a beat. I know we won't see each other constantly, but it will be a lot more frequent without the miles between us.

New friends are more difficult; they already have a core group of friends, you each have lives (well, some people do ) and family obligations don't often leave a lot of time for socializing.

I've made some good SI friends IRL; I'm hoping to get into a domestic situation where I can invite them to visit me. I've never really had a place where I could have parties (well, I did in Phoenix, but I never got around to setting anything up.)

We'll see...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20228 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone that is having a hard time meeting friends;

lets just all move near each other. Then we would have friends.

I'm stuck too. I have one meetup group of ladies that are nice, but none I am becoming friends with. Meetup groups are few and far between close to my house.

I work 7 days a week when school is in. I just don't know how to get out and do more to make friends anymore when school is in, I'm so exhausted, I can't get out more. It sucks.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone that is having a hard time meeting friends;
lets just all move near each other. Then we would have friends

Sounds great -- the SI Commune


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds great -- the SI Commune

Hawaii, maybe???


Posts: 11688 | Registered: Mar 2008
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never been but it's on my list for a visit


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
AgainandAgain
♀ Member
Member # 34835
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I could have written that post of yours!

Same boat here. I had a lot of friends growing up and back where I'm originally from. I've moved around quite a bit over the past 10 years and made really good friends but we have all grown apart.

I've lived in my current home for over 5 years. I made some friends but they are all so weird. They give me their number but don't return calls or texts. Everyone here is pretty much from this area so new people are kinda outsiders.

I don't fit in really. No idea why though. I'd just love to have a close friend who has little ones and get together. I miss those times of having a friend.

Sometimes I wish SI was an actual place I could go to and hang out!


Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found myself in this situation when I had split from a previous relationship. Not the one I am here for.

It seemed that I needed to get out and meet people at the time to start the 'single' life again but all of my friends were either married or in relationships with children and I was the only single one left and it was very scary at the time.

I looked for meetup groups but there wasn't really much about in my area and I wouldn't have had the confidence to go along on my own anyway.

What I did do, and forgive me if this sounds pretty sad and rather pathetic, was join 'friend' site. Basically websites where people register to look just for new friends.

I met a friend on there back in 2010. She was single also and the time and was in the same boat as me. We met a few times for drinks and it just went from there. 3 years later we are the best of friends, go out together and have been on holidays and weekends away.

I used the 'fishing for a friend' website. I am not sure if it is UK based or not or whether there are members from all over, but I am sure there there are websites like that for your area.

Hope this helps


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed, meeting new friends is so hard! I was never in "the popular crowd" as a kid/teen, and have never had a large circle of friends, but since being married and working from home my social circle had shrunk down to practically nothing.

I just joined a meetup... we'll see how that goes. I tried to chose one with a lot of active members and a busy calendar, as I noticed some of the groups hardly do anything.

I switched from solo workouts (treadmill etc) to social classes like Zumba and water aerobics. This has led me to some terrific friendships. :)

I also starting following some of my own interests, like dancing. I'm taking salsa and West Coast Swing dance lessons and have made good friends (both male and female) at both.

My dog is a bit of a spoiled brat, barking and not minding on the lease etc (at least he's little!) so I was thinking a low-key dog obedience class, like they offer at PetsMart, might help both me and him make some new friends that we could go for walks with or something.

My mom keeps pushing "Go to church!" but that's more her deal than mine... Plus church can make me very emotional and the last thing I need is to be sitting there alone bawling. But, I do know that the larger churches usually have lots of small social groups you can join. So if that's your thing, maybe you could try that.

I think the main thing is just putting yourself out there, even when it's uncomfortable. I realized it's impossible to meet people if I'm not around any people.... so I just keep forcing myself out of my comfort zone and out to where the people are.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 866 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same issue here. New to this city/state! Hate it!


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you GypsyBird!


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lets just all move near each other. Then we would have friends.

This would be so great. I have the same issue. I have great friends from work and occasionally we will do things outside of work, but they are all paired up so it doesn't happen much. It's a fairly small town so there aren't many ways to meet others. I've been volunteering at various things and taking advantage of invites here and there but other than bars and churches (not my thing either way), there just isn't much else.

Maybe we need to start our own online non-infidelity friends community and as it grows we'll eventually meet people near us...


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5191 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the main thing is just putting yourself out there, even when it's uncomfortable.

I totally agree. I've taken yoga classes, community ed classes, I even posted a Craig's List ad asking for play dates for my puppy, figuring I might find people in the same boat (single with a puppy who wants to play). All of these things led to positive experiences, but for whatever reason (maybe it really is me...), no friendships. No follow-up acquaintance get-togethers, even.

So I just keep plugging along but wish there were some insta-friend magic spell or Rent-a-friend company. I've even considered (very briefly) calling a caregiver service like HomeInstead and hiring a friend. Sad, but having seen HI up close with my Dad's alzheimer's last year, I know they provide caregivers just to be friends to older lonely folks in some cases.

I will check out the fishing for friends website - it makes such great sense to have a site like that!

Thanks to everyone who's posted! I'm always up for new ideas to try and to hear about how others deal with this sort of situation.


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone live near the Capital District of NY? I'm moving there in less than 2 weeks


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20228 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ISPIFFD
♀ Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will check out the fishing for friends website

LOL! Apparently the site closed just last month but the web page does reference two other similar sites: SoForNow and Buzz50 for the over-50 crowd. Something to check out


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1857 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to raise my hand too! Maybe I should stand on the corner with a sign waving "friends wanted, apply here"


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 763 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Topic Posts: 20

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