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User Topic: Broke up w So. He's not doing well help
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I broke up w my SO. We had been having issues about time and effort and if you read my previous post -the fact that he was hesitant about accepting my FB friend request. We broke up a few weeks ago but he keeps texting me stuff like he's lost his best friend, I was the best friend he's ever had, now he has no one, he's so depressed his heart is empty etc. I just found out that his house might be foreclosed on. I am feeling AWFUL. Even with all of our issues, he is the kindest man and most wonderful father. He's asking if I'm sure that I'm done with him. His kids are great and I don't think he's told them yet.
I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do.
I'm sure others have dealt with this before??


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You feel bad because you are a good hearted person,

He calls you his best friend, but refused to have you as his facebook friend?


Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He calls you his best friend, but refused to have you as his facebook friend?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13740 | Registered: Jul 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that a Hoover I hear?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said the FB friend thing was a mistake and apologized. Told me to resend it but I didn't.
I feel horrible. He said he's crushed.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that's a tornado-sized Hoover for sure.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a mistake to not add you on facebook? Like, "I've made a terrible mistake" or "Oops, hit the deny button instead of accept"?

Sorry, but once you're broken up, this guy isn't your problem.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13740 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why you're dithering over this. You obviously felt it was a big deal that he would not accept your friend request on FB and you gave legitimate reasons for your concerns, especially his comments to you about his fear of what you would post on his FB page. At the very least he was dismissive of you; at the worst, he felt that you would embarrass him.

Now he's sad--poor little muffin. He said the FB thing was a 'mistake' but he's not making this about you--it's all about poor little him. Don't fall for it; he has shown you who he is--believe him.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why I'm dithering either. What's wrong with me??


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the crowd of those of us who care too much.

Honestly, it seems counter-intuitive, but stepping back and letting him figure out his own ish is the most helpful thing you can do for him. Even though he will fight it.

It's also the most helpful thing you can do for yourself.

Can you block his calls and messages?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13740 | Registered: Jul 2011
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the crowd of those of us who care too much.

<----ME


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
forced2moveon
♀ Member
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And why do you have to resend the facebook friend request????

He could request you as a friend! Wouldn't it be nice if he had made that small step towards you?


Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even with all of our issues

hesitant about accepting my FB friend request

his house might be foreclosed on

Where would you see it going?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

What about how he treated you? He was afraid of you embarassing him. What does that say? Isn't that actually cruel of him to say about you?

You aren't being cruel to him. He is facing the consequences for his choices...as he should.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't being cruel to him. He is facing the consequences for his choices...as he should.

This.
I get the feeling that because he's having issues in his life (foreclosure, etc), he's using you as a fallback Feel Good. Don't let him.

Crickets.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't cruel. It's having healthy boundaries. You shouldn't be responding to this stuff; blocking it will prevent you from having to see it and get hurt by it.

Caring too much = codependence. If you haven't read Codependent No More, you absolutely have to.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13740 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

Its not particularly kind to only offer part of yourself, or to sacrifice your happiness for his. If you step in as his emotional caretaker he will expect more from you, he wont work on his issues, and it will be very difficult for both of you to find more fulfilling relationships.

Youve ripped the band-aid off, why hold on to it?


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you need to set your boundaries up for post relationship NC. I really recommend NC at least for 3 months so that you can get out of any co-dependent tendency and refocus on your own life. You cannot help him. He will have to step up and take care of himself. You might say...

"I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this break up. I need to take some time to work on my own issues and so I will be out of contact. I know things are challenging for you right now but I can't help you with this. I will be out of contact not to be mean, but just because our relationship is over and I have to take care of myself right now."


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cruel was him telling you that he was worried what you would put on his FB page. You should have dumped him like a hot potato after that.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Topic Posts: 39
Pages: 1 · 2

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