I did see a post that said there was a statute of limitations of a fault adultery in some states also. This is a question that I will definitely have to ask. As I have over 20 years worth of evidence, but I have also tried getting him to stop for those 20 years. I am hoping that it doesn't count against me - trying to save my M that is....
D Day 11 November 2012
You can't scale a mountain in a single step
I have a lot to say but not a lot of time. I'm very happy to know there are others in similar situations - it feels so isolating and dirty to find out something like this about someone you care for.
In our case we are working hard in individual and couples therapy and I think we've made some progress. It hasn't been easy, but one thing I think about a lot, and the therapists have talked about as well, is that for all this time (and it was a loooong time), he kept me in his life and treated me very well, when it would have been easy for him to cut me loose - we're not married. I know some of you might laugh at that but to me, knowing what I know about our life together, it counts for something and it's what keeps me making the effort.
In some ways I'm more troubled by a non-sexual friendship he had with a woman he met at a strip club many years ago. She refused to have sex with him because he had a girlfriend, but they became friends, met for lunch, etc. I do believe this story, you'll just have to take my word for that. Anyhow, he did end up giving her a lot of financial support over the years and she still knows how to get to him. From time to time she still pops up asking for something. He hasn't been responding to her texts or calls, and we've told her that this is done and she has to stop contacting him. It does seem to be getting through to her. For me, that emotional connection is more painful than the non-emotional sexual connection with the whores.
Ok, this is a lot. I'm looking forward to your comments.
I can say that my bf has worked hard at figuring out why he did what he did. I don't respect his reasons, but they make some sense to me given who he is and what his life has been like. I do believe he's sincere in his remorse. He gets a lot angrier than he used to, though. My therapist says guilt and anger are very closely connected and that when he feels guilty he'll lash out with anger.
I feel like things are improving though I know he'd like it to be faster. If he was reading SI I think he'd be impressed with how much better I'm doing - some people really struggle for so long.
I'm looking forward to a time when I don't have to question everything he does and says. But is that even possible? Sometimes I don't believe it.
H read 'How To Heal Your Spouse From Your Affair' which gave him a roadmap to use. He followed it all to the letter and still does. That showed me that he was genuinely committed to helping me recover, and to his own recovery. I don't need to question his every move anymore because he's totally transparent about everything, and that is vital. I needed to know his thoughts, never mind anything else, because thoughts are where it all starts. And he's been happy to do that, which has led to a greater intimacy between us.
You both sound like its all going in the right direction.
H and I are almost healed. If we can do this, so can the both of you.
[This message edited by Healinggirl at 1:47 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]
For me, that emotional connection is more painful than the non-emotional sexual connection with the whores.
Good luck working through this. It hurts tons. My advice is to always trust your gut and take care of YOU.
I'm curious about whether you managed to keep your relationship together. I could use any advice!
He turned out to be quite abusive during the divorce, even more so than he'd been in the marriage. I no longer have contact with him, to keep myself safe.
Don't let that discourage you, though. Mine didn't ever seem to have any remorse. He's more affected, in my opinion, on the personality disordered side than the addicted side.
Swank and others, there are people who have survived this and stayed with their partner/spouse. Some of them post in the Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts forum, others post in various other ICR forums. I cannot emphasize enough if you are brave enough to start your own posts about your concerns in JFO/General/Reconciliation, you will get lots of advice and suggestions from people of all walks of like here. Going to a local S-Anon group will also connect you to people in your sitch in real life.
I remember being about three months out and desperately wanting an example of a couple that had been through this and "made it" so I knew I wasn't crazy for even trying. I assure you there are some here. But it comes at a heavy price that you will not be able to comprehend right now. I am not saying it couldn't be worth it, I am saying you will have to wait some time before you will be able to understand what this means and whether it is worth it.
I wish at the time I was more concerned about truly understanding I could not trust my WS as far as I could throw him at that time (despite appearing to be remorseful and truthful to *me* in my traumatized state) and focused on why I would want to pursue a relationship with someone capable of doing that to me. I think if I had truly grasped those concepts earlier, things may have played out very differently. But at least I had been lucky enough to stumble through most of the tips in the reference part of this thread. And that comes from posting and reading lots here on SI and compiling the knowledge of the Collective.