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When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters

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Compartmented posted 1/19/2014 11:11 AM

Bumping for new members...

hathnofury posted 2/3/2014 14:57 PM

Bumping for new members....

scarednbroken posted 2/3/2014 16:27 PM

Thank you so much for bumping this! My WH has an AP but also visits prostitutes, etc.

I did see a post that said there was a statute of limitations of a fault adultery in some states also. This is a question that I will definitely have to ask. As I have over 20 years worth of evidence, but I have also tried getting him to stop for those 20 years. I am hoping that it doesn't count against me - trying to save my M that is....

Thanks again...

hathnofury posted 2/24/2014 13:54 PM

Bumping for new members...

hathnofury posted 2/24/2014 13:54 PM

Bumping for new members...

Gotmegood posted 2/24/2014 15:31 PM

I think this was a stellar idea to repost, and to include in the JFO forum.
You described me perfectly. I found out last August that my WH went to a prostitute for sex. Maybe within a month of reeling in pain and confusion and ISOLATION (betrayal with a prostitute?????? Come on. Who would I like to share that information with? My mother? My daughter? My friends?) I happened upon this site, and nothing that I bumped into before learning to navigate here, seemed to speak to me and my particular hurt. But I kept reading, and sort of recognized that while most cheating, I guess, occurs with someone known to the WS and that doesn't get paid for acts of sex, the FEELINGS expressed by the BS were recognizable to me. So I kept coming here, and eventually joined. Good thing I did, this was/is my life raft. As I began meekly posting, I had some invaluable answers and some PM's from other members, some having dealt with a WH into prostitutes, and others not. But each was heartfelt, helpful and kept me saner than I otherwise might have been.
It is interesting to me, now that this unpleasant underbelly world of escorts (or whatever euphemistic name they'd like to be known as) has been brought to my attention, that there aren't waaaay more BS's on here looking for help, knowledge or comfort in dealing with a WS with this predilection as the internet is simply FILLED with ads for prostitutes. Thousands and thousands of them. Everywhere, like cockroaches. Anyway, if I can be of help to any unfortunate newbie in this circumstance, I'm more than happy to give back. I've gotten so much here.

hathnofury posted 2/26/2014 16:37 PM

Bumping for new members. Want to also point out anonymous encounters includes Craiglist/Backpage and similar ads, Ashley Madison type sites, any hookup sites where you meet strangers for sex, "glory hole" locations, swinger's clubs, etc. The original post tends to give prostitute examples but was intended to include these groups as well.

forgivingnow posted 3/21/2014 09:47 AM

Bump for (((swank)))

Healinggirl posted 3/21/2014 11:00 AM

Thankyou for bumping this. I might print it out, it's such good info.

Aussiescot posted 3/21/2014 11:47 AM

Thankyou hathnofury!
This information is soo desperately needed.....unfortunately

swank posted 3/21/2014 13:40 PM

Thank you so much for bumping this.

I have a lot to say but not a lot of time. I'm very happy to know there are others in similar situations - it feels so isolating and dirty to find out something like this about someone you care for.

In our case we are working hard in individual and couples therapy and I think we've made some progress. It hasn't been easy, but one thing I think about a lot, and the therapists have talked about as well, is that for all this time (and it was a loooong time), he kept me in his life and treated me very well, when it would have been easy for him to cut me loose - we're not married. I know some of you might laugh at that but to me, knowing what I know about our life together, it counts for something and it's what keeps me making the effort.

In some ways I'm more troubled by a non-sexual friendship he had with a woman he met at a strip club many years ago. She refused to have sex with him because he had a girlfriend, but they became friends, met for lunch, etc. I do believe this story, you'll just have to take my word for that. Anyhow, he did end up giving her a lot of financial support over the years and she still knows how to get to him. From time to time she still pops up asking for something. He hasn't been responding to her texts or calls, and we've told her that this is done and she has to stop contacting him. It does seem to be getting through to her. For me, that emotional connection is more painful than the non-emotional sexual connection with the whores.

Ok, this is a lot. I'm looking forward to your comments.

swank posted 3/22/2014 06:49 AM

No new responses? I was hoping people would want to talk about this more.

I can say that my bf has worked hard at figuring out why he did what he did. I don't respect his reasons, but they make some sense to me given who he is and what his life has been like. I do believe he's sincere in his remorse. He gets a lot angrier than he used to, though. My therapist says guilt and anger are very closely connected and that when he feels guilty he'll lash out with anger.

I feel like things are improving though I know he'd like it to be faster. If he was reading SI I think he'd be impressed with how much better I'm doing - some people really struggle for so long.

I'm looking forward to a time when I don't have to question everything he does and says. But is that even possible? Sometimes I don't believe it.

Healinggirl posted 3/22/2014 13:45 PM

Swank, if he's doing his part in getting therapy and proving to you that he's remorseful, you will heal quicker. It still takes time, though.

H read 'How To Heal Your Spouse From Your Affair' which gave him a roadmap to use. He followed it all to the letter and still does. That showed me that he was genuinely committed to helping me recover, and to his own recovery. I don't need to question his every move anymore because he's totally transparent about everything, and that is vital. I needed to know his thoughts, never mind anything else, because thoughts are where it all starts. And he's been happy to do that, which has led to a greater intimacy between us.

You both sound like its all going in the right direction.

H and I are almost healed. If we can do this, so can the both of you.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 1:47 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

swank posted 3/22/2014 15:23 PM

Healinggirl, thank you so much for that. I'm going to look for that book. I know healing is possible, but so much of the time my heart is so heavy and my thoughts are so black. I'm trying to hang onto the happier times, and to messages like yours that show me what's possible.

Compartmented posted 3/23/2014 09:58 AM

For me, that emotional connection is more painful than the non-emotional sexual connection with the whores.
Swank, my X had been with tons of prostitutes, but also had an emotional affair, so I felt both types of betrayal. They do hurt in different ways. I'll always despise her! The prostitutes disgust me.

Good luck working through this. It hurts tons. My advice is to always trust your gut and take care of YOU.

swank posted 3/23/2014 10:23 AM

Compartmented, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I feel your pain.

I'm curious about whether you managed to keep your relationship together. I could use any advice!

Compartmented posted 3/23/2014 17:05 PM

I definitely could not keep the relationship together. X would not agree to seek/accept help. I think he's probably too deep into his addiction(s). He's been a daily heavy drinker for decades, and I think he's damaged his thinking ability. He actually believes his delusions. It's very sad.

He turned out to be quite abusive during the divorce, even more so than he'd been in the marriage. I no longer have contact with him, to keep myself safe.

Don't let that discourage you, though. Mine didn't ever seem to have any remorse. He's more affected, in my opinion, on the personality disordered side than the addicted side.

swank posted 3/23/2014 17:28 PM

I'm so sorry, but it sounds like you're well out of that situation. I do feel fortunate (um, sort of) that my bf is willing to do the work and really does seem to accept responsibility. It's not perfect. He loses his temper sometimes. I can't help but compare myself to the images I've seen of the women he paid for. It's a long long long road. I hope you've found peace with your decisions.

hathnofury posted 3/29/2014 22:10 PM

Bumping for new members. Want to also point out anonymous encounters includes Craiglist/Backpage and similar ads, Ashley Madison type sites, any hookup sites where you meet strangers for sex, "glory hole" locations, swinger's clubs, etc. The original post tends to give prostitute examples but was intended to include these groups as well.

Swank and others, there are people who have survived this and stayed with their partner/spouse. Some of them post in the Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts forum, others post in various other ICR forums. I cannot emphasize enough if you are brave enough to start your own posts about your concerns in JFO/General/Reconciliation, you will get lots of advice and suggestions from people of all walks of like here. Going to a local S-Anon group will also connect you to people in your sitch in real life.

I remember being about three months out and desperately wanting an example of a couple that had been through this and "made it" so I knew I wasn't crazy for even trying. I assure you there are some here. But it comes at a heavy price that you will not be able to comprehend right now. I am not saying it couldn't be worth it, I am saying you will have to wait some time before you will be able to understand what this means and whether it is worth it.

I wish at the time I was more concerned about truly understanding I could not trust my WS as far as I could throw him at that time (despite appearing to be remorseful and truthful to *me* in my traumatized state) and focused on why I would want to pursue a relationship with someone capable of doing that to me. I think if I had truly grasped those concepts earlier, things may have played out very differently. But at least I had been lucky enough to stumble through most of the tips in the reference part of this thread. And that comes from posting and reading lots here on SI and compiling the knowledge of the Collective.

Gotmegood posted 3/29/2014 23:53 PM

Swank- very sorry that you are living through the hell that I know. I cannot say that we are all fixed, but I can tell you honestly that I don't feel as 'black', to quote you, as I did in the first 6 months. Here's a bit of hope for you: I rarely think about the cockroach/prostitute anymore. I rarely have the nightmare mind movies anymore. I don't look at its ads on the internet anymore.
One of the biggest shocks to me was that my WH was in a fog. I thought that only applied to waywards who chose 'normal' women to be unfaithful with. No no no. Big fog here. It took a long time for him to clearly see the risks he took with our health. It took a long time for him to admit to the inappropriateness of his actions.
Best of all my news for you is this- I feel I have my power back. When the initial shock of this trauma wears off, you will think better, make clearer decisions, and you will really KNOW that this shameful, degrading behavior was not yours. Nor did you cause it.
I've written this before; it's still an enormous surprise to me that this isn't one of the most commented on threads. When this underbelly of society was brought into my life without my knowledge or consent, I began researching. I had never even heard of Backpage or 'escort' sites or Ashley Madison. And boy did I dig. Almost obsessively. Unfortunately it is quite prevalent. So I don't get why on SI it seems to be such a small minority. But we're here. And we'll be here for you when you need us. Good luck.

swank posted 3/30/2014 06:26 AM

Gotmegood, thanks for your message. I'm also surprised that so few on SI have dealt with this problem.

I'm happy to hear you're doing better. I am too. I've stopped looking at the sites my bf posted his exploits on. I know what he did had nothing to do with me. Out biggest issues now are his continuing impatience and tendency to get angry. I understand that he's sick of talking about this - so am I! But he created the situation and I was forced into it. I wish he could be a little more patient with the process. What he's doing now isn't helping us to heal.

It's good to know I'm not the only one going through this special hell.

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