SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters
Gotmegood, thanks for your message. I'm also surprised that so few on SI have dealt with this problem.
I'm happy to hear you're doing better. I am too. I've stopped looking at the sites my bf posted his exploits on. I know what he did had nothing to do with me. Out biggest issues now are his continuing impatience and tendency to get angry. I understand that he's sick of talking about this - so am I! But he created the situation and I was forced into it. I wish he could be a little more patient with the process. What he's doing now isn't helping us to heal.
It's good to know I'm not the only one going through this special hell.
Bumping for new members. Seeing more posts about people with WS into hookers and anonymous encounters in JFO these days. :(
Remember that Anonymous Encounters includes hookup sites, swinger clubs, pretty much any means of meeting people for sex whether or not money is exchanged. They are all cut from the same cloth.
Thanks so much for this. I've had a Very Bad weekend and needed to know I'm not alone.
I just found this thread and I think it is good timing for me. I've been here a while due to the WS that brought me here, and I felt I had moved on nicely and healed, but I am discovering that I was so busy cleaning up the messes he made in my life that I hadn't really had any down time to relax and process a lot of the betrayal. Also, over the years, people that knew him have talked to me more since they realize we are definitely done, and it is like D-day all over again as I find out more and more of what he had done. I also am having a lot of "aha" moments as realizations of some of the lies he told me are brought to light and I now understand the extent of his 2nd life and lies.
Mine was on every hook up site he could find (free) and also webcam sites where he could exchange pics. I found emails to escorts and sites he had visited. He did the escort rating stuff (where you rate them and talk about them as if they are just products you purchase and it is SO dehumanizing...."did you get your money's worth", etc....
It is disgusting me on an entire new level, and I am finding a lot of anger I must have repressed for a while.
I was his "shield." I was the good family he had so he could pretend to be a good family man....the part of his life he presented to the world at large. This made it easier for him to have his 2nd secret life, and there are so many people that have a difficult time believing the crap he did (still does...he hasn't changed.)
He gaslighted on a major scale, and used me to further his good reputation and for finances. He left me financially bereft. I am still trying to climb out from that (I have collection agencies calling me all day long).
I am trying to figure out what to do with all this anger right now.
My IC says I am dealing with it now because I finally feel I am in a safe place and can let down some of my defenses. I have a good partner that I am very thankful for, and that is rebuilding some of my trust in the male population, but I still have times where I feel totally shell-shocked......
Bumping for new members in need...
I am new and just found this post searcing for experiences like mine. Very helpful. Anyway it can be posted at the beginning maybe with it's own category for new comers so they can see there is info. I felt totally alone when I joined. I got some nice messages that were amazing and kept me going but this is so informative. Great job putting this together. Thank you hathnofury......very insiteful I learned something new just reading this.
Informative and well organized post. Thank you. My DDay is 4/4/14. Found secret email containing conversations with ow. H has been visiting adult websites. Found an email making a date to see someone...told me he was going out with his buddies. He wants to work on the marriage but I'm sure he's still visiting those websites. He has an obsessive and impulsive personality. He can't manage this on his own. A sex addict? My H?
Naiveagain, you're right, the facade that they want us to be. Nice house, nice family, etc. but behind closed doors it's different. The second lifestyle. How broken they must be to go to such a level. The question I have is is this something that can be repaired???
Hi Broken - I'm going through this right now. It's a web of secrets. I found this out when we were new in our relationship but thought we could get past it. We met online so I got the whole addiction thing. I thought it was a habit he needed to break. I can't tell you how I regret giving him that chance.
We moved in together last summer. Sex started to dwindle and I think that's when it all when full circle again. Such a sickness. So many lies, so many people hurt. He says he's going to SA next week but I don't even have any hope in that. If he wanted help he would have done so before this. They go through great lengths to get what they want and preserve the lifestyle. Can they be fixed, not so sure about that one. It's usually something deeply rooted that causes them to do it so there is usually a lot to fix. Feel free to PM me.
Bumping for QuietNoMore and others in need.
I hope it's okay that I bump this post. Thank you so much for creating this topic..
Even though my dday occurred almost four years ago (November 2010), I have just now started seeking support from people who were/are in a similar situation. It has been just too painful to even search this topic. My trigger for coming here was because June is the month that my WH claims the cheating started (four "women" on 6 different occasions, again..so he claims).. I say "claims" because the email evidence shows June 2010-November 2010, I suspect it was going on longer. I only found out my husband was cheating w/prostitutes because he was arrested. Anyway, I just felt like I needed to share a snip it of my story since everyone has shared so much with the forum. I married a "good man, who loves his mother, and a seemingly loving husband"..never in 4 million years would I or my family expect this..
Bump for a new member
This was a great thread and very appropriate. I think the reason that most of the responders were female is because this problem is most unique to men offenders because a woman inclined to cheat has absolutely no trouble finding a partner without paying for it. If you read the post involving AM, his wife was bombarded with propositions from men before the "send" button was dry. If a woman wants to go to a club for an anonymous encounter she can put a wedding ring on every finger and men will not give a damm. My point is that the very valid points you bring up are not unique, but women who have these desires do not have the need to go to the extreme measure men go to to fulfill them. So the horrible compulsion is there for both sexes, but men take this destructive path that as you say leaves a money trail, more potential health problems, and even greater deceit.
It was very interesting to read and very well thought out. Thank you for posting.
I must be evil but I wish my husband would have gotten caught and arrested. That woukd have rocked his world. Stupid pig. He's trying everything to win me back but damage is done.
Just wanted to point out, while it may very well be more men engage prostitutes than women, women make a disturbingly large amount of the people that engage in anonymous encounters. Just ask The Menz. In many ways that can be even more dangerous, because they can meet people that are dangerous, and it only ups the ante if they bring strangers home. People that do this put not only themselves in danger, but also anyone in their family or friends circle. And for those who engage prostitutes, if it goes on long enough eventually they turn to anonymous encounters when that loses its "charm".
It is my regret when I initially compiled this I did not make more emphasis and examples for those whose spouses and significant others are into anonymous encounters. I tend to write using examples from my own life, and WH's path toward anonymous encounters had only just begun after DDay#1 so I just don't have much personal history to share. But I have spoken with and read about many BS's who do have that in their WS's history, and the effects on them are mostly the same as those with only history of prostitutes.
It's brutal to endure, and you feel terribly isolated, and its difficult to figure out what to do and who to tell. That is what SI is for. Please don't feel like you are alone in this. Use this and other threads to educate yourself, and create your own threads to ask for guidance and support.
Bumping for new member
I am so glad to have found this particular topic! My WH story is another branch from it.
Here is basically when it started (Late summer of 2010) and what I have learned from it. WH had been texting (no pictures and no phone calls) with another woman for about 7 months when I discovered (june 2011) a number texted to on our cell phone bill. He said he would stop and according to cell bill it did. For about a year (he was definitely in midlife crisis mode) he was always going out doing something. He did bowl a couple of nights a week on teams hee has been on forever. BUT he had been going to a strip bar afterwards for a couple of drinks and meeting with the same stripper (30yr old) every time. This was the woman that was texting with him for about 7 months.
Supposedly he would go in there and pay for the dancers drink and they would just talk about everything. She would be focused only on him, rubbing his back and stroking his ego. I know there were lap dances on many occasions.
When I finally dug enough and found out she was a stripper at a local strip bar I confronted my husband. This was in August 2013. He had started to stay home except for the two bowling nights (and imagine this...He was getting home about an hour earlier). I know he hasn't seen her since probably last May or june 2013.
Then boom!! We are at my brothers house and he and my WH go golfing. He left both his phones on night stand. You are darn tootin that I looked in those phones. I found on his work phone 5 selfies of the stripper...and the date was 3/28/14. I felt like someone hit me with a concrete wall. The first photo was of her in her pretty bra and undies, next was one of her masturbating with a vibrator (obviously my husband took that photo), the next was of her bent over with ass in the air and panties down, next one was of here sitting on her knees and some man was a little away back behind her, next one was similar except the man had his hand sticking out under her crotch to the front with a smiley face on it.
I thought I was literally going to die!!! We had been doing so good since August. How could this have happened. Our sex life and communication had started getting really good over the past year or so. It was weird because sex wise, he didn't do anything differently than before. No new tricks and I was expecting some different moves. Then boom this happens...
The short story is he had been called to the club by the manager who he had made friends with over these past couple of years. A detective was there to ask questions about incident with this stripper. Another stripper and her got in an argument about a year back and that stripper punched this one in the face. She filed charges. I finally got most of this story after several arguments. The mgr started pouring them all some shots after the detective left. The stripper grabbed his work phone and ran towards the back through some curtains. Evidently she started playing a game of if I'm in my underwear you have to be in yours, to get the phone back. Of course one thing lead to another. Supposedly there has never been intercourse between them.
My WH tried to defend himself initially by saying he didn't go there to see her, he never planned it. He know she would be there. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better!? I told him it really didn't matter how or why he was there. He made the choice to play. He could've told the mgr that the detective can come see him or arrange a meeting with him. He never should've gone to the club. He promised me he wouldn't.
I have been in IC with a therapist that specializes in PTSD for about a month now. It has really helped. I have made my WH talk and communicate with me more and more. That is a deal breaker if he won't. Thanks to the great advice on this site I am now the one in the driver's seat. I have explained to WH that our marriage based on his actions day in and day out.
He finally is starting to realize some of the extent of pain he has caused me. But a person will never understand unless they have to go through this living hell.
I do have a gps tracker on the car. It has been there since the beginning of May. He is always where he says he is going to be. I don't know that I will ever stop using it. I know I will never fully trust him again. I don't think i will ever get the whole story. That part makes me both sad and angry!
From all the BS's that post on here...thank you for your advice. I'm truly realize this will be a journey for the rest of my married days. I know that I am as at fault as he is for the problems in our marriage that lead us to this point...but he made a choice that is 100% his own fault.
Sorry this is so long. There just it's really so much to say to try and explain or situations.
[This message edited by TimeToGrowUp at 10:43 PM, June 27th (Friday)]