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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 674 | Registered: Apr 2013
lifeshattered
♀ New Member
Member # 43123
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for bumping this topic.
The past body count went up by 3 just this morning :( Guess I need to change my signature.


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for new members

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Aug 2010
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 674 | Registered: Apr 2013
MadOldBat
♀ New Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for bumping this topic.
I have been reading SI for about 2 weeks now after finding photos of prostitutes on my husbands phone.
This was the first time I had come across this thread - it has helped me a lot.
TT, bit by bit - it emerged that he started paying for sex whilst on a golfing holiday with work colleagues 3 years ago (cringe, do they know what a creep he is?) He says not.
Yesterday, bit by bit he told me more.
It started with a private lap dance in a booth - 10 minutes of sexy dancing and squirming, rubbing tits in his face - but no touching... times up. Leaving him hot and horny.
Then comes the price list / options, he elected to take her back to his hotel room (via the ATM).
She so loud and false, that he couldn't finish off, and felt totally humiliated. however,
Went actually looking the next night and found one much more to his taste. Great dirty sex - but he says, they don't want you touch them or kiss them.
I asked him why he thought that was?
Could it be because they are revolted by the idea of intimacy with a fat, sweaty, drunk pervert?
He admitted that that was probably it.
Anyway, next time he went on the golf jaunt he did it twice more. And then a third time with two girls, he ran out of money so they would only do a sexy dance routine and finish him off by hand. So he asked to take photos.
What a creep.
He said initially that he had no idea why he did it, he admitted that we had a pretty good (although not that exciting after 30 years) sexlife. He thought that he had picked fights with me to justify his actions, to give himself an excuse - but after thinking about it realised that he was just trying to convince himself that he 'deserved' it.
Although he'd picked these girls up out of late night bars (they picked him he said), he knew they were prostitutes - they weren't drug-addled whores, he said.
I said that they probably were very desperate for money to do something like that, and that if they were on the streets, they probably were on drugs.
No - he didn't see any needle marks or anything like that - I asked him where he'd looked. Blank look - we hasn't looking at their elbows!
I asked him not to defend his prostitute's quality to me
Oh no... apparently they were over from Brazil to earn quick money to send home (to sick mother/impoverished family), nice clean girls not drug addled.
He'd actually convinced himself that the stories they had told him were true.
When the words came out of his mouth he suddenly stopped, I could see the realisation spread across his face.
What a totally foolish arse he'd been.
He admitted hat in fact he HAD stopped and thought of the health risks - but had somehow convinced himself that in a 5 star hotel, in the sunshine, far away ..... that he would be ok.
He had the decency to look pretty sheepish and was tearful and full of remorse ( a bit late!).
We're also going to talk some more about his earlier affair (17 years ago) something he didn't allow at the time & I was too scared to pursue.
To say I'm older and wiser (and sadder) now is an understatement.


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
MadOldBat
♀ New Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness, but doesn't't he feel so much better after he's told me all (?)
So relieved that now everything is out in the open he can answer any other questions I might have for him, and not be caught out in a lie.
It's truly soul destroying.
And he's not once asked about what it is that I am feeling, or my emotional reaction to his whoring.
Just 'you ok?'
FFS, of course I'm not ok.


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Madoldbat))))))

Dear God, I am sorry.

I have let years of my WH's pity party run the show.

Please consider a timeline as to how long you'll let him keep it about HIM--and not see you. (Your pain). A cursory nod toward your feelings isn't remorse.

Thinking of you.


Me: Tired BS.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jan 2005
Bria80
♀ New Member
Member # 43789
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for posting this. There is a certain type of shame that comes with being cheated on with prostitutes and this information is very helpful.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2014
EnoughNow
♀ New Member
Member # 44278
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would any of you (me) stay with a WS in this situation? I have suspected and now know my WS has had a few anonymous/prostitute encounters, and two emotional A's. Why on earth would I stay, and continue to wonder? WS has been very smooth - I can't often tell when he's lying, usually only when I find evidence.
I'm moving on, after 16 years of wondering, confirming, wondering, confirming. Enough is enough. But I would really like to know why I'm reading so many comments about reconciling, even after all that.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: CA
brokenmess
♀ New Member
Member # 44282
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am too wondering why I am considering R? Within a few months of our relationship my WS was making online dating profiles? I forgave him. It just continued to get worse each d-day. The last d-day, he had taken the day off, mid-week to spend with my DD and I for her 3rd Bday. I had woke up early that morning and was unable to go back to sleep, I was excited about our day together. Then I hear his phone on vibrate going off- it was 6:15am. I thought maybe it is his work, he has to be there by 6am, and they forgot he requested the day off? I went to answer it bc he was still asleep, hey I'll let him sleep in and remind his work. But oh was I ever so mistaken!! I couldn't answer the phone, who was this "T", I didn't recognize the #. Then there was a voicemail, "I tried to txt & call u, u need to send me money." Well, I guess he forgot to let his prostitute know he would be at home, not to call?!? He says he only met her once, last yr, and she is blackmailing him for $? So I spent a few hrs begging for answers, while our DD was still sleeping. So, skipping ahead over a month, into my nightmare/horror story, I wonder too why? Why reconcile? Why? And I am lost? Thanks for reading- there is so much more to tell. I have found some comfort reading others posts, first bit of relief I have had in a month, helps to just know I'm not alone


Me BS,36 him WS,37
14 yrs 1 DD
d-day1- 12/2000- making online dating profiles
d-day2- 8/2004- EA OW, no SPA
d-day3- 10/2010- txts/pics to OW
D-day4- 6/2014- found msgs= confession of seeing escorts
Now- feel blindsided? & broken

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EnoughNow

I think the answers vary by person. Some of us are dangerously codependent. Some of us are still trying to grasp that this has really happened and the shock hasn't set in yet. Some of us love our spouses. Some of us feel as though we cannot find a way out.

I'm not reconciling with my SAWH but I tried to do so for years. I was very naive about his prognosis as a sex addict and I was so invested in what our relationship was supposed to be that I ignored what it was. Since I had my son the scales have begun to fall from my eyes but everyone has their different timing and reasons.


Married 2007. DDay 2008:CL Prostitutes
Married to SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Wonderful infant DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD and false R.
Physically separated 4 mos+, emotionally divorced.
Detaching, recovering. Proud single mom.


Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MadOldBat- I feel sad that your WH brought the cesspool of prostitutes into your life. It was something I really didn't care to know about, never mind that my WH decided to bring into my relationship behind my back. It is shocking and it is gross. I am nearing the year mark of when I was blindsided by my spouses choice to try to screw a prostitute. It was a long horrid year. We separated for 3 months. I will tell you a few things I've learned that have helped me. First of all, you come first now. You've been traumatized and emotionally need support from every angle. He has not been putting you, your emotional or physical health first at all with his shitty, immature choices. Take care of yourself, let him fend for himself. Counseling for you. Std testing for you. A lawyer's appointment for you. Understand your financial situation and ensure that he has not transmitted any gross diseases; sex w/ prostitutes is very risky business, even in a 5 star hotel. Order the book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. It succinctly explains the depths of his betrayal. While it isn't specifically written about cheating w/ a prostitute, it is a terrific book for WH and for you. It will validate all your feelings....you aren't crazy, you're not a bitch, and it WAS NOT your fault. I seriously feel that a man who commits this brand of adultery has a very deep selfish and entitled streak. And this did NOT happen over night. The self absorbed person who can do this has been planting the seeds for a long while. "It was only sex". "Lots of men do it". Etc. don't expect him to realize the depth of the knifing he inflicted on you. You can PM me if you want. I send all the strength I can your way. It sucks, but you will be better after a time. BE GOOD TO YOU.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 404 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would any of you (me) stay with a WS in this situation? I have suspected and now know my WS has had a few anonymous/prostitute encounters, and two emotional A's. Why on earth would I stay, and continue to wonder? WS has been very smooth - I can't often tell when he's lying, usually only when I find evidence.

That is a very good question. In your sitch, I would not stay. But I would not stay or R with anyone that continued to lie, betray, be unfaithful, and was not remorseful and had no intention of changing, irrespective of whether prostitutes/anonymous encounters were involved. The fact that he is so smooth about lying only makes me more concerned for your health and safety.

Why would anybody else stay is an entirely different question. Usually we are completely blindsided, and discovery is extremely traumatic. It is difficult to tell which way is up, much less make effective decisions about your life when this happens. But these are my candid observations about whether anyone should stay:

If you are not already married, DON'T get married. You do not want legal entanglements or legal/financial liability for someone capable of this. If this is non-negotiable for you, then you really need to consider moving on so you can have a spouse that is worth of such commitment. The recovery of WS brokeness and the repair of your relationship will take at least 2-5 years, maybe longer before you should even consider M. Most people capable of this kind of infidelity are not worth waiting that long for. If M is important to you, you really need to consider moving on and pursuing that with someone more worthy of that commitment.

If you do not already have kids together, DON'T have any. If you do, DON'T have any more. The sheer impacts of a parent selfish enough to do this on children is profound. If they continue, they are putting the whole family's lives at risk. If they do accept R and do everything needed to heal themselves and your M, they will be in therapy and support groups/12 step so much they will be a burden as a co-parent anyway. If you divorce, the custody battles will likely be difficult, and the WS is much more likely to do all the horrific examples in the S&D forum of expensively stalling legal procedures, not paying CS, sabotaging visitation, neglect or abuse of children in their care, and alienating you as the sane parent. If having kids is important to you, you should really consider moving on and having them with someone else or adopting/having them as a single parent.

That being said, take things one day at a time. Because D can be nasty, you do want to make a good exit plan with most benefits and least damage to you (even if you don't know yet if you want to stay or D). Get your ducks in a row and see a L right away to learn your options.

I currently have chosen to stay, but that is a a daily decision for me. In my case, it was much more legally advantageous to pursue a post-nup while WS was still professing guilt and saying he was willing to do anything to save the M. I made the post-nup a condition of considering R, and I used the time to get my ducks in a row as SAHM with no recent employment history recently moved 1000 miles from family and friends.

I used that time to get the therapy *I* needed to heal, to get the STD and other medical issues addressed, to take the most advantage of every legal option available. I changed a lot of our financial issues to take my name off the majority of our debt and get me back into the workforce. I had boundaries set for him to pursue his healing, which he minimally met for about a year. Even though there was no infidelity post-DD, there was not much progress and certainly not the level of commitment needed for R on his part.

By the time I had my ducks in a row, and WS saw I could really do well if not better without him at all, that he could lose everything...that was when he finally committed to healing, R, and recovery in earnest. THAT's when he stepped up and started doing everything he should have done from the beginning. If I had not needed the time to get my ducks in a row, I would have been long gone.

But I could only do this because he was not continuing the behavior and putting us all at risk and is doing the work for R and self-healing. If at any time I found out otherwise, he would be gone and he knows it. He white-knuckled a long time before committing to getting real help.

I continue to decide whether to stay on a daily basis, because I have the luxury I can and I want my kids to have two reasonably parents available to them as long as possible. But I can't say I would even consider it if kids weren't in the picture, because I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't have kids to consider in arranging my exit plan. To be honest I was never convinced he'd ever be able to step up and that I would have stayed this long. But full disclosure, it would always be this way - a daily decision - because I will never have the luxury of knowing he can be trusted for life. For many that is enough to leave right there.

I don't want to say there is no hope for R for those in this sitch, it is possible and there are people here who have achieved it. But please know it comes with a heavy price tag. It is absolutely ok if it is a deal-breaker for you.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 674 | Registered: Apr 2013
gotcha
♀ New Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

where/how does one get access to a lie detector test?

also, not sure if this is the place to ask, but how do you search this forum?


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2014
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotcha, just google that too. I found a local law practice that does polygraphs in their office for $300. Very good idea I might add!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 674 | Registered: Apr 2013
brokenmess
♀ New Member
Member # 44282
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had posted on another thread and using the 180 was suggested. I have read and reread through the plan. It's seems as though the more I do these things over the last few days, I sometimes feel better and most of the time worse? Is the 180 plan geared towards building yourself back up? Seems like the less I bring up what has happened the better for him- not me. But maybe that's what I need, to focus on myself? Thanks for advice.


Me BS,36 him WS,37
14 yrs 1 DD
d-day1- 12/2000- making online dating profiles
d-day2- 8/2004- EA OW, no SPA
d-day3- 10/2010- txts/pics to OW
D-day4- 6/2014- found msgs= confession of seeing escorts
Now- feel blindsided? & broken

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenmess, the 180 really has nothing to do with the WS. It is about YOU detaching from the situation and putting yourself first. Dealing with the trauma of infidelity, addressing your own needs for healing, etc. Because you can't move forward together if WS doesn't want to do the work. So you just move on and do the work for YOU. If the WS is really willing to do what is needed, the 180 is not necessary. Some do start to see the light after you employ the 180, but that is not what it is for.

It is really hard to see right now when you JFO and are in such pain. But if you have a WS that is not doing anything and everything to heal and R, then the sooner you can 180, the sooner you will be able to truly help yourself and figure out what YOU need to make yourself happy.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Jun 2011
brokenmess
♀ New Member
Member # 44282
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what I was uncertain about, thanks for reply. It is very hard when you JFO. It's has been 5 weeks for me, still feels like yesterday.

I am still trying to sort out all the how, why's and what ifs. I thought doing the 180 would make him see what he has done, make him feel left out, suffer. That was my mind set.

Thanks to you and to the others, who have further explained the 180 and are helping me see that my efforts need to be geared towards my healing. And it's okay to focus on my DD and myself. I hope others find a way, it's not easy, I am learning to go a day at a time and that's a start.


Me BS,36 him WS,37
14 yrs 1 DD
d-day1- 12/2000- making online dating profiles
d-day2- 8/2004- EA OW, no SPA
d-day3- 10/2010- txts/pics to OW
D-day4- 6/2014- found msgs= confession of seeing escorts
Now- feel blindsided? & broken

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014
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