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When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters

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outtanowhere posted 6/29/2014 12:36 PM


lifeshattered posted 6/29/2014 12:55 PM

Thank you for bumping this topic.
The past body count went up by 3 just this morning :( Guess I need to change my signature.

Compartmented posted 7/21/2014 19:39 PM

bumping for new members

outtanowhere posted 7/27/2014 20:16 PM


MadOldBat posted 7/28/2014 07:16 AM

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 7:06 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

MadOldBat posted 7/28/2014 17:43 PM

Goodness, but doesn't't he feel so much better after he's told me all (?)
So relieved that now everything is out in the open he can answer any other questions I might have for him, and not be caught out in a lie.
It's truly soul destroying.
And he's not once asked about what it is that I am feeling, or my emotional reaction.
Just 'you ok?'
FFS, of course I'm not ok.

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 7:07 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

meleanoro posted 7/28/2014 20:20 PM


Dear God, I am sorry.

I have let years of my WH's pity party run the show.

Please consider a timeline as to how long you'll let him keep it about HIM--and not see you. (Your pain). A cursory nod toward your feelings isn't remorse.

Thinking of you.

Bria80 posted 7/28/2014 21:27 PM

Thank you so much for posting this. There is a certain type of shame that comes with being cheated on with prostitutes and this information is very helpful.

EnoughNow posted 7/28/2014 23:10 PM

Why would any of you (me) stay with a WS in this situation? I have suspected and now know my WS has had a few anonymous/prostitute encounters, and two emotional A's. Why on earth would I stay, and continue to wonder? WS has been very smooth - I can't often tell when he's lying, usually only when I find evidence.
I'm moving on, after 16 years of wondering, confirming, wondering, confirming. Enough is enough. But I would really like to know why I'm reading so many comments about reconciling, even after all that.

brokenmess posted 7/29/2014 01:19 AM

I am too wondering why I am considering R? Within a few months of our relationship my WS was making online dating profiles? I forgave him. It just continued to get worse each d-day. The last d-day, he had taken the day off, mid-week to spend with my DD and I for her 3rd Bday. I had woke up early that morning and was unable to go back to sleep, I was excited about our day together. Then I hear his phone on vibrate going off- it was 6:15am. I thought maybe it is his work, he has to be there by 6am, and they forgot he requested the day off? I went to answer it bc he was still asleep, hey I'll let him sleep in and remind his work. But oh was I ever so mistaken!! I couldn't answer the phone, who was this "T", I didn't recognize the #. Then there was a voicemail, "I tried to txt & call u, u need to send me money." Well, I guess he forgot to let his prostitute know he would be at home, not to call?!? He says he only met her once, last yr, and she is blackmailing him for $? So I spent a few hrs begging for answers, while our DD was still sleeping. So, skipping ahead over a month, into my nightmare/horror story, I wonder too why? Why reconcile? Why? And I am lost? Thanks for reading- there is so much more to tell. I have found some comfort reading others posts, first bit of relief I have had in a month, helps to just know I'm not alone

determinata posted 7/29/2014 13:59 PM


I think the answers vary by person. Some of us are dangerously codependent. Some of us are still trying to grasp that this has really happened and the shock hasn't set in yet. Some of us love our spouses. Some of us feel as though we cannot find a way out.

I'm not reconciling with my SAWH but I tried to do so for years. I was very naive about his prognosis as a sex addict and I was so invested in what our relationship was supposed to be that I ignored what it was. Since I had my son the scales have begun to fall from my eyes but everyone has their different timing and reasons.

Gotmegood posted 7/29/2014 18:01 PM

MadOldBat- I feel sad that your WH brought the cesspool of prostitutes into your life. It was something I really didn't care to know about, never mind that my WH decided to bring into my relationship behind my back. It is shocking and it is gross. I am nearing the year mark of when I was blindsided by my spouses choice to try to screw a prostitute. It was a long horrid year. We separated for 3 months. I will tell you a few things I've learned that have helped me. First of all, you come first now. You've been traumatized and emotionally need support from every angle. He has not been putting you, your emotional or physical health first at all with his shitty, immature choices. Take care of yourself, let him fend for himself. Counseling for you. Std testing for you. A lawyer's appointment for you. Understand your financial situation and ensure that he has not transmitted any gross diseases; sex w/ prostitutes is very risky business, even in a 5 star hotel. Order the book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. It succinctly explains the depths of his betrayal. While it isn't specifically written about cheating w/ a prostitute, it is a terrific book for WH and for you. It will validate all your aren't crazy, you're not a bitch, and it WAS NOT your fault. I seriously feel that a man who commits this brand of adultery has a very deep selfish and entitled streak. And this did NOT happen over night. The self absorbed person who can do this has been planting the seeds for a long while. "It was only sex". "Lots of men do it". Etc. don't expect him to realize the depth of the knifing he inflicted on you. You can PM me if you want. I send all the strength I can your way. It sucks, but you will be better after a time. BE GOOD TO YOU.

hathnofury posted 7/30/2014 08:42 AM

Why would any of you (me) stay with a WS in this situation? I have suspected and now know my WS has had a few anonymous/prostitute encounters, and two emotional A's. Why on earth would I stay, and continue to wonder? WS has been very smooth - I can't often tell when he's lying, usually only when I find evidence.

That is a very good question. In your sitch, I would not stay. But I would not stay or R with anyone that continued to lie, betray, be unfaithful, and was not remorseful and had no intention of changing, irrespective of whether prostitutes/anonymous encounters were involved. The fact that he is so smooth about lying only makes me more concerned for your health and safety.

Why would anybody else stay is an entirely different question. Usually we are completely blindsided, and discovery is extremely traumatic. It is difficult to tell which way is up, much less make effective decisions about your life when this happens. But these are my candid observations about whether anyone should stay:

If you are not already married, DON'T get married. You do not want legal entanglements or legal/financial liability for someone capable of this. If this is non-negotiable for you, then you really need to consider moving on so you can have a spouse that is worth of such commitment. The recovery of WS brokeness and the repair of your relationship will take at least 2-5 years, maybe longer before you should even consider M. Most people capable of this kind of infidelity are not worth waiting that long for. If M is important to you, you really need to consider moving on and pursuing that with someone more worthy of that commitment.

If you do not already have kids together, DON'T have any. If you do, DON'T have any more. The sheer impacts of a parent selfish enough to do this on children is profound. If they continue, they are putting the whole family's lives at risk. If they do accept R and do everything needed to heal themselves and your M, they will be in therapy and support groups/12 step so much they will be a burden as a co-parent anyway. If you divorce, the custody battles will likely be difficult, and the WS is much more likely to do all the horrific examples in the S&D forum of expensively stalling legal procedures, not paying CS, sabotaging visitation, neglect or abuse of children in their care, and alienating you as the sane parent. If having kids is important to you, you should really consider moving on and having them with someone else or adopting/having them as a single parent.

That being said, take things one day at a time. Because D can be nasty, you do want to make a good exit plan with most benefits and least damage to you (even if you don't know yet if you want to stay or D). Get your ducks in a row and see a L right away to learn your options.

I currently have chosen to stay, but that is a a daily decision for me. In my case, it was much more legally advantageous to pursue a post-nup while WS was still professing guilt and saying he was willing to do anything to save the M. I made the post-nup a condition of considering R, and I used the time to get my ducks in a row as SAHM with no recent employment history recently moved 1000 miles from family and friends.

I used that time to get the therapy *I* needed to heal, to get the STD and other medical issues addressed, to take the most advantage of every legal option available. I changed a lot of our financial issues to take my name off the majority of our debt and get me back into the workforce. I had boundaries set for him to pursue his healing, which he minimally met for about a year. Even though there was no infidelity post-DD, there was not much progress and certainly not the level of commitment needed for R on his part.

By the time I had my ducks in a row, and WS saw I could really do well if not better without him at all, that he could lose everything...that was when he finally committed to healing, R, and recovery in earnest. THAT's when he stepped up and started doing everything he should have done from the beginning. If I had not needed the time to get my ducks in a row, I would have been long gone.

But I could only do this because he was not continuing the behavior and putting us all at risk and is doing the work for R and self-healing. If at any time I found out otherwise, he would be gone and he knows it. He white-knuckled a long time before committing to getting real help.

I continue to decide whether to stay on a daily basis, because I have the luxury I can and I want my kids to have two reasonably parents available to them as long as possible. But I can't say I would even consider it if kids weren't in the picture, because I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't have kids to consider in arranging my exit plan. To be honest I was never convinced he'd ever be able to step up and that I would have stayed this long. But full disclosure, it would always be this way - a daily decision - because I will never have the luxury of knowing he can be trusted for life. For many that is enough to leave right there.

I don't want to say there is no hope for R for those in this sitch, it is possible and there are people here who have achieved it. But please know it comes with a heavy price tag. It is absolutely ok if it is a deal-breaker for you.

outtanowhere posted 7/30/2014 14:52 PM


gotcha posted 7/30/2014 15:31 PM

where/how does one get access to a lie detector test?

also, not sure if this is the place to ask, but how do you search this forum?

outtanowhere posted 7/30/2014 15:42 PM

Gotcha, just google that too. I found a local law practice that does polygraphs in their office for $300. Very good idea I might add!

brokenmess posted 7/31/2014 16:10 PM

I had posted on another thread and using the 180 was suggested. I have read and reread through the plan. It's seems as though the more I do these things over the last few days, I sometimes feel better and most of the time worse? Is the 180 plan geared towards building yourself back up? Seems like the less I bring up what has happened the better for him- not me. But maybe that's what I need, to focus on myself? Thanks for advice.

hathnofury posted 8/1/2014 10:22 AM

Brokenmess, the 180 really has nothing to do with the WS. It is about YOU detaching from the situation and putting yourself first. Dealing with the trauma of infidelity, addressing your own needs for healing, etc. Because you can't move forward together if WS doesn't want to do the work. So you just move on and do the work for YOU. If the WS is really willing to do what is needed, the 180 is not necessary. Some do start to see the light after you employ the 180, but that is not what it is for.

It is really hard to see right now when you JFO and are in such pain. But if you have a WS that is not doing anything and everything to heal and R, then the sooner you can 180, the sooner you will be able to truly help yourself and figure out what YOU need to make yourself happy.

brokenmess posted 8/1/2014 11:58 AM

That's exactly what I was uncertain about, thanks for reply. It is very hard when you JFO. It's has been 5 weeks for me, still feels like yesterday.

I am still trying to sort out all the how, why's and what ifs. I thought doing the 180 would make him see what he has done, make him feel left out, suffer. That was my mind set.

Thanks to you and to the others, who have further explained the 180 and are helping me see that my efforts need to be geared towards my healing. And it's okay to focus on my DD and myself. I hope others find a way, it's not easy, I am learning to go a day at a time and that's a start.

outtanowhere posted 8/5/2014 14:03 PM

Bump for new members

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