My D day was five years into my marriage when a stripper/prostitute called me to tell me she was having an affair with my husband. My ex admitted it, and said she was the only one. Also, she was apparently blackmailing him! I was mortified and I made him leave the house. Went through his cell phone bills and sure enough, there were other strippers. He was carrying on with two to three strippers at any given time.
I went through all the records that he had handled and also discovered significant financial infidelity. Suffice it say, I knew that I did not want to stay in the marriage, even though he was acting remorseful and wanted to R. I was done. I was in survival mode at this point.
I also knew he couldn't have gone from the nice, decent guy he'd pretended to be to a lying, thieving, out-of-control sex addict overnight and I strongly suspected he'd brought his problem with him into the marriage and he had covered his tracks extremely well - until D day.
I then called his ex wife and asked her why they got divorced. She told me he had cheated on her over and over. He had told me that she was the cheater. I'd taken his word for it. My bad. I paid dearly for that.
Next day I saw an attorney and was told that since I had made significantly more money during our marriage than he did, I was looking at having to pay him alimony and give him part of my 401K in a divorce. We live in a no-fault state. Doesn't matter what he did. I decided to go a different route.
I filed for a legal annulment, based on fraud, and stated I never would have dated him, let alone married him had I known he had a history of sex addiction and serial cheating and that he'd lied to me about the reason for his first divorce. That was the fraud. The judge agreed that I had been defrauded and he granted a legal annulment. They hand out two to three legal annulments in my state each year, per my attorney.
I did not have to pay my ex anything and I kept my 401K. I at least was able to start over again and make a happy life for myself, free from the financial burden of paying him alimony and sharing my retirement savings.
My guess is that most people do not even know that this option is available, or they mistakenly think that annulments are only for very short-tern marriages. Laws on annulments vary by state, but if your situation is similar to mine, and you want out, talk to your lawyer. In my state, it is required that you do not live as a married couple after you discover the fraud. Another good reason to boot them out of the house on D day.
― Maya Angelou
people have frequently mentioned a trauma expert where would I find one of those? We are in MC and I can tell our counselor is not experienced with this type of infidelity.
I hope I'm posting in the right place. Sadly, I am a new member of your "club". :(
I've been married for 14 years, with him nearly 19 years... which means we've been together nearly half my life.
I thought I had a pretty good marriage. Not perfect... but I was happy with it. Even though now, in retrospect, I realize he was pretty mean to me, especially toward the end.
The end that I'm referring to was "D-Day". There were signs over the years, big, red, flashing ones actually.... but I guess he had the gaslighting thing down pat. Every time he came up with a lame answer for the things I saw and felt, I bought them hook, like and sinker. The man I love would never lie to me. He'd never be unfaithful.
I was so, so, so, so very wrong.
On 3/6/14, early in the morning I looked at his phone. My "spidey sense" had been going off a lot lately and yes, I was starting to look at his phone, email, etc. I found some weird things sometimes, but either I didn't mention them (because when I did he would get so annoyed and angry at me for not seeming to trust him) or I would mention them and he'd get pissy, telling me some ridiculous answer that I somehow made myself believe.
Well, this time I found a text to someone I didn't know where he said he was "around the corner" and called himself by a screen name I'd never heard. I hop on my ipad and within a few clicks, my world exploded.
Turns out, he was VERY VERY VERY active on a whore/john website. A website where these disgusting pig johns would rate the whores they were with like it was trip advisor and they were discussing the details of their stay at the Westin.
My husband had over 4,000 posts on there. He's been active on the site since 12/2009. There was no doubt that these posts were my husband. He talked about me, our vacations, he posted photos taken in our backyard. He posted videos of himself singing with his band. According to the posts on that site, he was seeing an average of a whore a month.... for five years. I refuse to do the math.
Just typing this and living this over again in my brain is making me sick.
I kicked him out that day. He was mortified to be busted. I guess after (at least) 5 years, he must have thought he was pretty friggin' smart and no longer had any thoughts that he'd ever be found out.
I'm trying to make a very long story short.
Then I set about doing the "normal" things we do in this most NOT NORMAL of circumstances.... consulted with a lawyer, changed the locks, got the full spectrum of STD tests, called all my friends and cried my eyes out, started making appts with psychologists, started taking anti-depression and anti-axiety meds...... you know, the usual stuff that all was part of the worst nightmare I'm not even close to creative enough to ever have dreamed of happening to me.
After about a month, I decided I wanted to TRY reconciliation, but I gotta admit, I wasn't terribly hopeful. He started going to SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meetings. (although he insisted he wasn't a sex addict) I started going to SA meetings. We went to a number of therapy sessions together and separately. He's not come clean. I guess I was starting to get some TT (trickle truth) but he was (is) still in heavy denial. He did admit (in couples therapy) to getting blow jobs (with a condom on) from some of the "models" he photographed for this website. And he continued to tell me, the therapists, etc that he just posted "bullsh1t" on this website cuz he was bored, but never really did any of the things he wrote about. Yea, and I believe it, cuz I'm a friggin idiot. (sarcasm)
Anyway, in September, I asked him to move back in, thinking that if we going to try and reconcile, we should be living together (he had supposedly been staying with a guy friend while he was kicked out). The living together thing lasted about two weeks, before he told a boldface lie to my face. I decided I was done. Bad enough that the man I love(D?) was a lying cheating, middle-aged John, but now I was going to have to live a life with NO trust in my husband? No. The fight we had that night turned physical (the only time we've ever physically fought) and my foot was fractured.
The next day I called my lawyer and told him I wanted to go forward with the D. We had a hearing a few weeks later because I wanted temporary custody of our marital residence (we own a home) and I wanted temporary alimony. I "won" both things, so here I am, 46 years old, no kids, living alone for the first time in my life, wondering what the f@ck just happened??
I hope to be divorced ASAP. Here in FL, it can happen relatively fast. I'm 9 months from D-Day and TRYING to be strong. A good day is when I only cry once or twice. I loved that man..... or rather, I loved and was so in love with who I THOUGHT he was. I have no idea how much of our marriage, our love, our life together was a lie. In my mind, it all was.
Sorry this is so long and I hope I'm posting it in the right place. I just wanna find other people that understand...I'm in hell.