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When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters

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UMBL posted 7/24/2013 09:41 AM

Wonderful Post Hath!! So many of us are in this situation - Thank you for recognizing that need!

hathnofury posted 7/24/2013 10:00 AM

Don't doubt there should also be a section that addresses: I Can't Afford a L/IC! I suppose I didn't because it is not exclusive to those betrayed by this particular flavor of infidelity, LOL.

Here's the thing. You can't afford NOT to. It will be more expensive in the long run if you don't. And could take years off your life and destroy your health. Here are some ideas to defray the cost:

Many lawyers have free initial consultations. Even if you don't think you can afford them or don't think they are the lawyer for you, it is worth any free consult to find out what laws are applicable to your particular sitch ASAP. Case in point, Pain's 90 day countdown from DDay example.

In my area, there is a law firm that does not do free initial consults, but does a free seminar every month for women considering S/D/Post Nups. It is a win-win for them, they can answer the most basic FAQs to many people at once, and they often get people to sign up for their services afterward. And the potential clients get info like have a phone number and a PO Box your WS cannot access BEFORE consultation begins.

Also many law firms post a wealth of info on their websites about local s/d/post nup laws and procedures. It is important to use websites for lawyers in your specific area (county and state in the US) because laws vary so widely from area to area. Finding out all as much info before any consult will allow you to focus your time with the L on stuff you don't know or need more info on.

As for IC, I strongly suggest getting recommendations from those in local free support groups such as S-Anon, COSA, Celebrate Recovery, divorce support groups, etc because you will have someone to vouch for their effectiveness before you start. If not, CSAT certification (or working towards it) is also a good filter. IME most qualified ICs will probably not deal with the insurance and you will be responsible for getting reimbursed for any benefit that applies, and many insurers don't like to pay for doctors that won't play their paperwork game. You should be up front about your financial situation with the IC, and they may be able to give you other options, such as group therapy or a sliding scale discount.

Bear in mind even if you have to pay out of pocket, it may be cheaper than D. And if you have to pay out of pocket for IC and still pay for D, it is worth every penny to be in the best mental condition possible, because you have to not only keep your STBX in line, but your STBX's lawyer in line, and your own lawyer in line. It could literally save you hundreds if not thousands of dollars being in the best shape to be your own advocate.

In addition, intensives and workshops from local support groups or therapy places might be a good solution. The place that I see my IC, has a class every fall and spring that is comparable to paying a co-pay or cheaper than IC out of pocket per class for the total amount they charge. I have heard of weekend and short-term classes and workshops in other areas. You have to ask around in SI and your local support groups to find out about them.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

floatinginlimbo posted 7/24/2013 13:18 PM

hathnofury, thank you for this post. Wonderful advice, and very helpful indeed.

sailorgirl posted 8/7/2013 22:40 PM

Bumping for newbies.

NotsosunnyG posted 8/7/2013 23:27 PM

Thank you. This post was extremely helpful for me. I just found out last Friday about the escorts and I'm so glad I was pointed to this site. So far it looks like the physical betrayal started in June of this year but I can only hope that is true. I'm wondering if some resources/books are better than others for this type of infidelity over others?

sailorgirl posted 8/8/2013 21:30 PM


I'm glad this post is helpful to you. I wish I had more advice and a book recommendation, but I don't know enough about infidelity involving escorts.

Still, my situation is unusual for SI in that WH was abused as a child and his affair came out of his vulnerability to emotional manipulation. It took me awhile, but I have found two couples on SI with very similar stories to mine and that has been so helpful.

Keep posting and keep your focus on your self and your child as much as possible.

Mauimom1 posted 8/8/2013 21:58 PM

Thank you for this great post.

Do you have any advice when your're a year and a half out and in R? My fwh anonymous encounters were at Asian massage parlors and he told me it had been going on for the past five years. Does this mean that I can assume based on lying and half truths that the timeframe of sexual encounters could easily be double that? I guess I'll never know the truth.

We're still in MC, however the MC has never broached sexual addiction and says we're doing great. Most of the time I don't even think of it anymore. I almost can't believe it has really happened to me. I hope I'm not coping in an unhealthy way.

ccw82 posted 8/8/2013 22:19 PM


I turned to a couple of books by Patrick Carnes, PhD. It sounds like your husband may be a sex and love addict, which has roots in child abuse. Reading Dr. Carnes' book, "Out of The Shadows" will help you understand that aspect of him (although it still doesn't make the pain any less for you, at least not initially).

I am still reeling in my own pain and despair with my SAWH. While I am sorry we all have come together under such negative circumstances, I am glad to have a network of people to turn to in my time of need. You guys are truly MY therapy!!!

outtanowhere posted 8/8/2013 22:27 PM

Just wanted to add another book resource for all of us here. "Don't Call It Love" by Dr. Patrick Carnes. Extremely informative and an easy read.

doggiediva posted 8/8/2013 23:21 PM

When I read what pain pain go away wrote about having only 90 days from D day to file for D, or lose the chance to file on grounds of adultry, I realized that I had read that before..The question that comes to my mind is this...Getting proof as to whether one is still inside or is already on the outside of the 90 day count down from D day seems like something that would incredibly hard to do? A case of WS's word against BS's word unless the couple's family and community were in on their problems and could be witnesses in the D process,KWIM?

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:29 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/8/2013 23:43 PM

(I'm glad this thread was bumped.....I missed it's debut)

You as the BS need at the very least a trauma specialist and/or an infidelity specialist for IC, and honestly at least an evaluation by someone certified or at least educated in sex addiction would be best. MC is not really advisable at this point.

I am going to second this point.
WS's that are engaged in these types of behaviors are usually very adept at making *you* look like the crazy one and IMO it is crucial to find a person that is *on* to these types of 'games.' A therapist that advises partners of SA's is very helpful even if the WS isn't an SA because s/he will be very well-versed in cutting through the bullshit and the deceptive, sneaky behavior and is very useful in helping to 'shore you up' when it comes to setting boundaries for yourself.

Also, Hath. Something that has been 'picking' at me for a while now....there is a very common saying here on SI that I don't believe applies to BS's that find themselves in this type of situation.
"You are 50% responsible for the problems in the M, and 0% responsible for the A."
In the prostitute/anonymous encounter scenario, I don't believe the 50% responsibility thing is applicable.....and I KNOW that it doesn't apply to my situation. Oftentimes the people that are engaged in these types of behaviors have a very skewed perception of reality and the 'tapes' playing inside their heads are not even allowing the *real* BS to be heard or seen, so any marriage *issue* that the WS has with the BS may be a 'manufactured perception' that doesn't have ANY basis in reality....and there is not a darn thing that the BS could have done or can do to combat that.

hathnofury posted 8/9/2013 13:54 PM

Mauimom, in your particular case, if you are still feeling doubts, I would pursue getting your WS evaluated by a CSAT just for peace of mind. And if possible, a evaluation for you as well. And you could always explore a poly for your peace of mind too.

The thing is, just because somebody has had anonymous encounters or used prostitutes does not in and of itself make them a sex addict. However, the effect on the BS is the same as far as trauma goes, so it is to the BS's benefit to go to IC to address the severe trauma (in addition to the medical and legal steps), and also explore the possibility that the WS is a sex addict. As posted before, they are very good at hiding what they are and appearing to just have a few indiscretions when the reality is much worse. It is worth it to have the peace of mind to determine the truth and be able to make informed decisions about your future.

As for those more than a year does get better but very slowly. There are lots of helpful books on the first page of the Spouses of Sex Addicts thread in I Can Relate.

sparklezombie posted 8/9/2013 19:57 PM

Thanks for posting. This has been very helpful. My wh has been involved in anon encounters for years ad I'm just coming out of the fog

Gemini71 posted 8/9/2013 22:40 PM

I completely agree with gonnabe2016 that the 50% of the state of the marriage doesn't really apply. Maybe it applies in a different way, because with a Sexual Addict, the state of the marriage is irrelevant to their need to cheat. You can take 50% of the credit for a perfect relationship, and they will still feel the need for additional ego reinforcement. And honestly, most WS who are into the Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters are Sexual Addicts.

NotsosunnyG posted 8/9/2013 23:14 PM

Thankfully WH is very embarrassed and remorseful about the encounters so he is not putting any spin on how it might be my fault.

I don't think it would hurt to get him evaluated by a CSAT although I may try to get him to do an online questionnaire first that I have found on some of the SA recommended sites So he opens is mind a little to that possibilty. I wonder if it is possible to not to labelled as a SA in some cases? I am also almost positive there has been no childhood abuse although I suppose there is always a chance.

MissD posted 8/9/2013 23:22 PM

Thank you Hath, and fellow posters. This thread hit me hard and overwhelmed me a bit, but in a good way. I've scoured the web, libraries, bookstores, yet found nothing I could really relate too. This info is spot on, succinct, and very much appreciated.

boontje posted 8/11/2013 09:35 AM

Thank you for this post. I don't venture often to the JFO forum because it can be so overwhelming, but for some reason this morning, I did. When I came to SI two years ago, I was desperate to find a post I could relate to. Discovering my H's infidelity was bad enough, but when I found out it involved prostitutes, well, it was almost too much to handle. I'm sure your thoughtful post will give support to someone just like I was not so long ago. It sucks that we have to be here, but it is good that we are.

mountainmomma posted 8/11/2013 13:26 PM

Thank you for this excellent piece for newbies and for taking the time to write it. It's spot on. I would just like to add for the newbies that whilst WS that get involved with prostitutes etc sometimes don't have emotional attachments, they may develop emotional attachments to one or more in particular, as my WS did. The wayward may claim not to have any attachments but beware for sometimes they do with their "favourites". (ones they see on a regular basis)My WS got engaged to a crack addict one and because of his "deep love" for her, he became far more dangerous and delusional whilst in his self created mess. I agree with all you say and just wanted to add this point as I feel it ties in with the extreme gaslighting that occurs with this variety of WS. Example would be WS says "she meant nothing to me she was a prostitute" only for the BS to find out later that the WS "felt love and companionship" with them/individuals.
Love and light to us all

homewrecked2011 posted 8/12/2013 10:33 AM

Sometimes after we find out about the initial affair, we find out about the others.. A year after DDAy I found out my WH had been all over Craigs List in their s&m chat rooms. UGH. New Dday.

Teardrop29 posted 8/13/2013 07:20 AM

Thanks Hath for the info.

I feel so lost right now. I just signed up and quickly came across this info. I found out 3 months ago when my husband confessed. I was 9 months pregnant at the time with our 2nd baby.

I'm devastated. He's had encounters at the asian parlours as well which is a big contribution to my insecurity right now as I am asian myself. I am so lost and deeply wounded. :-(

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