Here's the thing. You can't afford NOT to. It will be more expensive in the long run if you don't. And could take years off your life and destroy your health. Here are some ideas to defray the cost:
Many lawyers have free initial consultations. Even if you don't think you can afford them or don't think they are the lawyer for you, it is worth any free consult to find out what laws are applicable to your particular sitch ASAP. Case in point, Pain's 90 day countdown from DDay example.
In my area, there is a law firm that does not do free initial consults, but does a free seminar every month for women considering S/D/Post Nups. It is a win-win for them, they can answer the most basic FAQs to many people at once, and they often get people to sign up for their services afterward. And the potential clients get info like have a phone number and a PO Box your WS cannot access BEFORE consultation begins.
Also many law firms post a wealth of info on their websites about local s/d/post nup laws and procedures. It is important to use websites for lawyers in your specific area (county and state in the US) because laws vary so widely from area to area. Finding out all as much info before any consult will allow you to focus your time with the L on stuff you don't know or need more info on.
As for IC, I strongly suggest getting recommendations from those in local free support groups such as S-Anon, COSA, Celebrate Recovery, divorce support groups, etc because you will have someone to vouch for their effectiveness before you start. If not, CSAT certification (or working towards it) is also a good filter. IME most qualified ICs will probably not deal with the insurance and you will be responsible for getting reimbursed for any benefit that applies, and many insurers don't like to pay for doctors that won't play their paperwork game. You should be up front about your financial situation with the IC, and they may be able to give you other options, such as group therapy or a sliding scale discount.
Bear in mind even if you have to pay out of pocket, it may be cheaper than D. And if you have to pay out of pocket for IC and still pay for D, it is worth every penny to be in the best mental condition possible, because you have to not only keep your STBX in line, but your STBX's lawyer in line, and your own lawyer in line. It could literally save you hundreds if not thousands of dollars being in the best shape to be your own advocate.
In addition, intensives and workshops from local support groups or therapy places might be a good solution. The place that I see my IC, has a class every fall and spring that is comparable to paying a co-pay or cheaper than IC out of pocket per class for the total amount they charge. I have heard of weekend and short-term classes and workshops in other areas. You have to ask around in SI and your local support groups to find out about them.
[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
I'm glad this post is helpful to you. I wish I had more advice and a book recommendation, but I don't know enough about infidelity involving escorts.
Still, my situation is unusual for SI in that WH was abused as a child and his affair came out of his vulnerability to emotional manipulation. It took me awhile, but I have found two couples on SI with very similar stories to mine and that has been so helpful.
Keep posting and keep your focus on your self and your child as much as possible.
Do you have any advice when your're a year and a half out and in R? My fwh anonymous encounters were at Asian massage parlors and he told me it had been going on for the past five years. Does this mean that I can assume based on lying and half truths that the timeframe of sexual encounters could easily be double that? I guess I'll never know the truth.
We're still in MC, however the MC has never broached sexual addiction and says we're doing great. Most of the time I don't even think of it anymore. I almost can't believe it has really happened to me. I hope I'm not coping in an unhealthy way.
I turned to a couple of books by Patrick Carnes, PhD. It sounds like your husband may be a sex and love addict, which has roots in child abuse. Reading Dr. Carnes' book, "Out of The Shadows" will help you understand that aspect of him (although it still doesn't make the pain any less for you, at least not initially).
I am still reeling in my own pain and despair with my SAWH. While I am sorry we all have come together under such negative circumstances, I am glad to have a network of people to turn to in my time of need. You guys are truly MY therapy!!!
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:29 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
You as the BS need at the very least a trauma specialist and/or an infidelity specialist for IC, and honestly at least an evaluation by someone certified or at least educated in sex addiction would be best. MC is not really advisable at this point.
Also, Hath. Something that has been 'picking' at me for a while now....there is a very common saying here on SI that I don't believe applies to BS's that find themselves in this type of situation.
"You are 50% responsible for the problems in the M, and 0% responsible for the A."
In the prostitute/anonymous encounter scenario, I don't believe the 50% responsibility thing is applicable.....and I KNOW that it doesn't apply to my situation. Oftentimes the people that are engaged in these types of behaviors have a very skewed perception of reality and the 'tapes' playing inside their heads are not even allowing the *real* BS to be heard or seen, so any marriage *issue* that the WS has with the BS may be a 'manufactured perception' that doesn't have ANY basis in reality....and there is not a darn thing that the BS could have done or can do to combat that.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
The thing is, just because somebody has had anonymous encounters or used prostitutes does not in and of itself make them a sex addict. However, the effect on the BS is the same as far as trauma goes, so it is to the BS's benefit to go to IC to address the severe trauma (in addition to the medical and legal steps), and also explore the possibility that the WS is a sex addict. As posted before, they are very good at hiding what they are and appearing to just have a few indiscretions when the reality is much worse. It is worth it to have the peace of mind to determine the truth and be able to make informed decisions about your future.
As for those more than a year out...it does get better but very slowly. There are lots of helpful books on the first page of the Spouses of Sex Addicts thread in I Can Relate.
I don't think it would hurt to get him evaluated by a CSAT although I may try to get him to do an online questionnaire first that I have found on some of the SA recommended sites So he opens is mind a little to that possibilty. I wonder if it is possible to not to labelled as a SA in some cases? I am also almost positive there has been no childhood abuse although I suppose there is always a chance.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway
I feel so lost right now. I just signed up and quickly came across this info. I found out 3 months ago when my husband confessed. I was 9 months pregnant at the time with our 2nd baby.
I'm devastated. He's had encounters at the asian parlours as well which is a big contribution to my insecurity right now as I am asian myself. I am so lost and deeply wounded. :-(