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When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters

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Mauimom1 posted 8/13/2013 16:24 PM

(((Teardrop 29)))))

I just sent you a PM.

Missymomma posted 8/17/2013 13:46 PM

Bumping for new members.

Barni posted 8/17/2013 14:02 PM

Thank you for this. Will be following the advice.

SpaceJane posted 8/18/2013 00:45 AM

Thank you so much for this post. I have just confirmed last week that my husband has been visiting massage parlors for our entire 3 year marriage :( I am devastated to say the least and so confused. Divorce? Reconciliation? Is it even possible? What a horrible roller coaster this week has been... Not looking forward to my future right now :(

hathnofury posted 8/19/2013 11:27 AM

SpaceJane, you don't need to decide ANYTHING about your M now. One of the best gifts I gave myself, that I learned here on SI, was that I was not going to make any decisions for a year about the fate of my M. I had much more pressing things on my plate. By allowing myself that, I was able to do the things I needed to do - STD testing, consulting the L, gathering the financial evidence, going into therapy, seeing how my WH reacted and his actions going forward, etc. And in my case, it also put the pressure off WH to protect himself legally for D, so I was able to gather the financials without struggle. THESE are the things you need to concern yourself with now, not what are you going to do about the M. You don't have all the info you need to make that decision now.

In addition, you are not in shape to make that decision now even if you did. If you were in the ICU, would you expect someone to make that call? Because you are in the equivalent of the ICU now. Give yourself time to heal.

The only reason you would *need* to file or otherwise make that call is if you were in danger or if was to your legal advantage. And your L should help you decide that.

Missymomma posted 8/30/2013 07:58 AM

Bumping again, for new members.

jzkc1502 posted 8/30/2013 08:19 AM

Thank you for bumping.

Dealing with this has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and after 3 yrs of thinking I can move on, I'm thinking now that I can't. I don't want to be with someone that did this to me, or that in the back of my mind I'm thinking "what if he's at it again?" But now thats making me feel as if I'm the bad guy now. I just have no idea what to do.

hathnofury posted 8/30/2013 14:22 PM

jzkc1502, what you are feeling is totally normal. Even if your WS dropped everything declared total remorse and met every single boundary and requirement you laid out (which we all know pretty much never happens, LOL). I think it is way harder in that respect when you are several years out. You see things more clearly then. You wince at how you *thought* they were "doing everything right" when now you know they weren't, or you weren't demanding what was really everything of them at the time.

If it helps at all, I totally identify with everything you've said and in theory I have done "everything right" for my healing as suggested by SI, by my and his IC, by the psych experts of this area, etc. for more than two years. I think it is part of that magic 3-5 years to recover from infidelity they all talk about, and honestly it may be longer for us with the wack-ados that have this flavor of it. I think having these feelings is just another step in the process of healing.

hathnofury posted 9/6/2013 17:43 PM

Bumping for DCP...

Jesss posted 9/6/2013 19:53 PM

Wow, such a helpful thread for me to read, thanks.

StrongAlone posted 9/7/2013 09:07 AM

I can relate to all of this because my husband turned out to be a lying SA. I mean it really takes someone special to use the ipad they were given as a gift by all your family members for cancer treatments and use it to solicit sex! Oh and then say that he didn't feel badly about using it in that way.

Is this the right place to wonder if labeling this behavior an 'addiction' just confuses the issue at hand? I know it did for me anyways...it made me feel like I 'should' stay because now he's told me its an addiction for him and I felt like, shouldn't a wife support her husband through an addiction??

If we were to post our stories anywhere else on these forums, without the SA label, everyone would be saying, wake the hell up and leave!! My husband has shown me who he is, over and over again. This time around is no different.

Sparkle0504 posted 9/8/2013 09:57 AM

Thank you for taking the time to write this advice, it hits the nail on the head in so many ways.

I'm taking note!

As someone else mentioned on here, I'm taking my time over decisions and action, mainly because I need to be in the best shape I can be to deal with this as BEST I can.

I agree with the post above - there is a feeling that if the WS has an addiction, then it surely is the wifely thing to support the WS through it. However, if the WS will not acknowledge the problem and therefore create a situation where they can be supported (and not strangled)...that's when the real decisions have to be made.

hathnofury posted 9/8/2013 12:45 PM

Is this the right place to wonder if labeling this behavior an 'addiction' just confuses the issue at hand? I know it did for me anyways...it made me feel like I 'should' stay because now he's told me its an addiction for him and I felt like, shouldn't a wife support her husband through an addiction??

If we were to post our stories anywhere else on these forums, without the SA label, everyone would be saying, wake the hell up and leave!! My husband has shown me who he is, over and over again. This time around is no different.

I *personally* don't believe you have to stay married to ANY sort of addict or mentally ill person if they refuse to admit they have a problem AND refuse treatment. I also don't believe you have to stay married to anyone who has committed adultery in any form. So for me, anyone that says you have to stay married to a sex addict is using an invalid argument. There were vows and promises made, and all three of these scenarios break them and voids the contract in my book.

Having said that, I am obviously still married to my SAWH. I believe strongly in the sickness and health vow, but I also think it does not include when someone purposefully makes themselves ill or refuses to get healthy again. I am sticking through as long as there appears to be forward progress on that front and I am not being put at risk or being taken advantage of. And regardless of whether I am married to him or not, I will always support any efforts he takes to getting well because he is the father of my children, and they deserve a healthy dad.

The main thing is to do everything YOU need to get healed, so YOU can make the best decisions for YOU. And when the WS is into anonymous encounters and prostitutes, that isn't always easy to determine.

hathnofury posted 9/9/2013 14:20 PM

Bumping for movingbackward and others...

forgivingnow posted 9/9/2013 14:40 PM

Thank you Hath for posting this. I found out in July the truth...my husbands cheating was so many more years and with so many more women than he had admitted to. He is now going to IC and owning this and not blaming our marriage.

To the new people, you can reconcile and you will be ok. I can't talk about this to anyone IRL, who would understand & support you? Thank goodness for SI.

16forever posted 9/10/2013 00:56 AM

I also found out about my H 's hookers during a ea that turned into a pa her then later left me for her but returned 2 mos later he said it was 10 hookers in the first 10 yrs of our m I am struggling to get past those and the A he had last yr ,do they eventually go back to hookers this scares me to desth

Bobbi_sue posted 9/10/2013 02:19 AM

it made me feel like I 'should' stay because now he's told me its an addiction for him and I felt like, shouldn't a wife support her husband through an addiction??

Interesting. I think a lot of people seem to think they are supposed to stay and feel sorry for, and support people with addictions. I have never had that mindset.

I really am not one to bring myself down with an "addicted" person if the addiction involves subtance abuse or sex. I have said many times on this forum, that I would divorce just as quickly if my H was an alcoholic or drug abuser, as I would for one who was a cheater.

If we were to post our stories anywhere else on these forums, without the SA label, everyone would be saying, wake the hell up and leave!!

I filed for a D from my XH two days after the final D-day and never looked back.

Missymomma posted 9/10/2013 08:44 AM

Some spouses feel like they have to stay if an addict is in recovery, there are many that don't. Even though my SAWH has been sober for 2 years, only recently have I decided I wanted to stay married. I didn't used to think I would ever stay with someone that cheated on me, so saying that you wouldn't stay with an addict in recovery doesn't mean that if it came down to it and the circumstances were right, that you wouldn't. I totally support those that leave and those that stay. Either choice has downfalls and everyone has the right to make that decision for themselves.

dameia posted 9/10/2013 08:51 AM

Thank you for posting this Hath. Somehow I missed it the first time around.

I remember when I first joined SI there seemed to be so few people who could relate. I only remember two specific members (hath was one) who could even somewhat relate to my story.

My WH is not a SA. Just a stupid, selfish-ass. What really makes me sad is that I know I will never feel completely safe with him again. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If he was able to hide it for so many years, well, now I am constantly questioning, constantly wondering. It sucks.

Mel36 posted 9/10/2013 17:47 PM

I am so happy right now that I am crying buckets of tears. This post from hathnofury may very well have stopped my plans for suicide.? I have not felt happy in almost a year. D day was dec 13 2012. My WS was with 36 prostitutes and gave me two stds that I will have for life. Since discovering what he was doing ..... I wander aimlessly through each day just feeling less and less interested in life.......wishing I was dead. Thanks for helping me see I am not alone in this hell.

movingbackwards posted 9/10/2013 17:52 PM

Mel36 PLEASE get help if you are having any kind of suicidal thoughts. I say this as someone who has walked that slippery slope before... Get help now, don't wait til it gets worse. . I am so very sorry for your pain. You are not alone and I'm glad you've seen that! Hugs!

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