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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters
movingbackwards
♀ Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mel36 PLEASE get help if you are having any kind of suicidal thoughts. I say this as someone who has walked that slippery slope before... Get help now, don't wait til it gets worse. . I am so very sorry for your pain. You are not alone and I'm glad you've seen that! Hugs!


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mel36)))
I felt suicidal when I first found out. When I found out the full truth mid July of this year I felt those feelings again. What you want to escape or get rid of is the intense pain. You will be ok. Many of us are walking ahead of you & you will be ok. Call someo e if you need to. I (we) know how hard this is. Keep talking here.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 612 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do they eventually go back to hookers this scares me to desth

16forever, that is always a risk. If he is not in IC to address why he is so broken that it led to this, he likely will.

I can tell you this. After two years of fairly intense therapy, I feel like I can trust my gut again. I know when something is off, even slightly. So I don't worry about this as much, because I don't need to. I trust myself to take care of me.

And it wouldn't matter if I was with my WH or not - I needed to trust my gut again about everything with anybody. Once you have been married to someone who could do this to you, the chances are very high you will get involved with someone else that could do this later on if you don't get yourself the help YOU need. IC, support groups, reading books, hanging out on SI, whatever it takes.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mel36)))

I know you are hurting, and I do hope you find help if you still have thoughts of suicide. Your WS is not worthy of your death, and the world needs more people like you.

I felt intense pain, suffering, and despair when I found out. I didn't know anyone in real life who would have such an issue. I knew if I told my family, they'd tell anyone and everyone who would listen with the best intentions of helping me, but it would all backfire and make things so much worse. I wasn't sure I could tell my closest friends without my family finding out. I felt totally alone. I now know there are thousands (maybe millions) of us, male and female, of every age and walk of life all over the globe.

Finding SI was a lifesaver for me as well. Even though there are web sites and bulletin boards devoted to this topic alone, THIS site is by far the best I have ever seen regarding infidelity, and especially for the more complicated versions of infidelity. I'm very glad this thread spoke to you and could help. And I'm especially glad that it helped you stick around to help others like us.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011
StrongAlone
♀ Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mostly read and don't post often but this touches close to home.

I don't judge anyone for staying or leaving, it's a very personal choice based on numerous things. Years of being married and how many D-Days seem to be factors that sway people one way or the other. But then again, as I'm writing this I'm realising that for some people, once would be enough to say goodbye!

SA is gut wrenching to go through. I say 'go through' but I'm not out the other side yet and wonder if I ever will be. Whatever way this lands for all of us that find ourselves here, I have the deepest of compassion. This ride will take you up and down into places you thought you'd never go, much less come back from to tell the tale.

I chose to look at it with humour when I can. My way of coping I guess. It is all so ridiculous. Cancer and then sex addiction, like really? I couldn't make this up if I tried...all I know for sure is that I am a better human being now. Regardless of what he is up to. And guess what? I just don't really care what he's up to anymore! Damn, that part feels good...


Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for new members.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
toomanytimes
♀ New Member
Member # 40658
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much hathnofury for this topic, I needed to read this years ago. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your sharing of your knowledge.

Please someone respond to me on this: My WS was on the internet seeking sex. He was advertising for relationships, dates, on swinger websites, any way to lead to sex. I found profiles he made on most all dating sites, Ashley Madison & E-Harmony. I found a craig's list listing where he was seeking a swinger partner. (I died on the inside) In some of the emails he said he was divorced, and that it was really neither party's fault, just didn't work out.

He was matter of fact when I asked him about his infidelity and other "life" and said that if there was a site like that, and it was free-he probably had a profile on it. He said it was for the adrenaline rush of the chase and the thrill. He said once they met and had sex, that was it. He said there was only 3 women he was ever with and that he was through with that life. (I now realize from hathnofury that I will never know the real number, and that it really doesn't matter. I have spent 5 lonely, horrid years trying to figure out just how many).

He has been the perfect person ( I think) since DD, and he no longer works away from home.

How do I know if he is a sex addict, and since we both agreed that MC probably wouldn't help what do I do?
We both want to reconcile but I can't seem to get over this. I have no trust whatsoever in him.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanytimes, Im in the exact dame position as you, except my WS won't even admit to ever physically being with anyone (just to cyber sex and exchanging naked photos).
How long has it been since Dday for you? I'm afraid I'll never trust him either, no matter what he does now.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
toomanytimes
♀ New Member
Member # 40658
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jesss. It's been 5 years. And yes, my WS got others to send naked pics to him also. Everyone on here has been correct saying time helps to ease the shock & pain some, and that the WS never tells the whole truth.

I still really HATE him at times when I think about the deceit and absolute loss of trust, and the absolute lack of concern for my life. He could've given me any STD out there. But, I'm not thinking about it every second like I used to. But my resentment is getting worse as time goes by. I don't feel like I have had any closure to this death. I really feel like someone died, and I guess our trust really did. And the crazy part is, this is not the first infidelity issue. That happened after 4 yrs of marriage. That was an A with Ow at his work. He lied looking me straight in the eyes promising nothing was going on between them. That took 10 yrs to get over and deal with. I felt like if he were able to lie to me like that, he was not the person I thought he was at all. I didn't think I could ever trust him again, but it was slowly coming back around. Now this?

I have not told him I love him since DD in 2008. I do not think he is deserving of it. I feel like I gave him his 2nd chance and he threw it away. If it weren't for my 2 kiddos I can promise you I would have really contemplated a separation by now. Maybe if only to see if I really could live and survive without him. There is a part of me that wants to believe he really has changed and that the person he has shown me since this last DD is real, but I'm just too gun shy and don't want to be hurt and feel the shame of being duped again. Logic tells me if he were capable of doing this to me - cause me that much pain again - then he won't change. That he is a probable narcissist that doesn't have a conscious. He had to think his other "lifestyle" was worth losing me if he got caught. I think that is why my resentment is getting worse; I'm not certain that he had real, true remorse for the pain that his deceit caused me. I think he is sorry he got caught. I resent him, which means I have not forgiven him and I guess that's why I can't get over this.

I must start thinking about me, like all of the people on here state. I have spent the last 5 years of my life thinking about him. "How many people was he really with? How can I find out for certain how many it was? Is he on the computer on websites again?" I have exhausted myself for nothing. I know now I cannot control him or what he does; and, I have to try and get some sort of life back.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013
StrongAlone
♀ Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toomanytimes, I can relate. I gave my husband two full chances to change, the second after getting an email from the other woman and him, no reaction whatsoever, denying everything. After that I decided that the problem must be with me and that I'd give him my full trust, no more snooping, suspecting. Push down all my instincts basically. Well it took another 3 years till he got caught again and only because my gut was screaming at me one morning to check his ipad.

Only you can decide if you can live with this addiction long term. I think for myself anyways, the difficult part is that with this addiction, I can't tell if he's been 'acting out'. It's not like drugs or alcohol where you might be able to tell by their behavior that something is wrong, many of these men are master liars. I can't have a marriage without honesty. For me it just doesn't work. My husband and I are separated, I have young kids too, I haven't fully committed to divorce yet as I think it's very serious and want to see if he can change things around. So far, not so good.


Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, Hath, for this thread!

TRICKLE TRUTH: I am going to say I have NEVER EVER heard of anyone busted with a history of prostitutes or anonymous encounters has EVER come 100% clean upon initial confrontation. The TT with this variety of WS is always present and usually pretty bad. Until you can confirm with a polygraph, always assume there is more you donít know.

Oh goodness! You are so right about this! He convinced me, back in Feb, that the A was only 8 months long, and he only had a hand job and blow job in her car. She always seemed to need money, was short of cash, and so he paid for sex--helping out the Damsel in Distress and getting sex too.

Wow, what could be better, and the wife (me) never knew!? He thought he had it all. I guess he woke up stupid at age 58 with 29 years of marriage, huh?

Then I find out more details by accident last Tues/Wed, and I start digging, and sure enough, my new reality is that this has been going on for SEVEN YEARS, and it includes penetrative genital sex, positions that he suggested to me for us to do during our brief period of sexual reconnect (this was after he was caught and after they had NC which itself was a lie), and he also suggested I shave my genital area (just like the hooker!). He did cunnilingus and digital penetration to her, too. Wow, so respectful to me!

The icing on this cake is that sometimes he didn't use a condom. Did he not figure how many other men had been in the same place where he stuck his penis? Guess not.

Yes, we have STD etc testing on order, and thank you for that list too BTW.

He had his first IC appt today. Our couples counseling is this Thursday. My own IC appointment is in late October--that was the earliest I could get one unless I wanted to tell them I was going to hurt myself or others.

Now he blames me for digging more and finding out more stuff, forcing him to come clean (if that's indeed true) before we met with our pastor today. Sorry, I don't play that "it's my fault for digging" game. HE is the one who did the deeds over and over again for years. He thought he could get away scott-free if only I hadn't dug for more info.

It makes me sick. I am so grateful for this site and so sad that there is such a need for it.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
toomanytimes
♀ New Member
Member # 40658
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongalone, yes, I now really trust my intuition, and trust no one. When I think something is not right, it isn't.

Since I am, in all honesty, willing to reconcile since he apparently finally believes that I've had enough this go round, and give this M one last chance, I am in the process of coming up with my list of deal breakers and it is hard to do. I will not tolerate it anymore-I have finally made it to my limit. The deal breakers that I come up with must be clear and concise for both of us. He will have to abide by these, but I have to follow the rules also. Which means if he has not made the changes that he appears to have made, and he crosses the line and breaks a deal, then I have to end our relationship. I cannot imagine myself being that strong and doing it-but I would have to.

I am through with this life of hell. I know life is short and I want to enjoy what is left of it. I've wasted a lot of years worried and wondering.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for new members.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2009
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post hath!

Im curious though, what did you mean by saying they always blame the bs even when they seem like they didn't. Can you give me any examples of that? You can pm me if you prefer.

I dont feel that he ever blamed me. He specifically said that nothing I did could have caused it. But maybe I missed something. Im always open to that possibility!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
diffeentguy
♂ New Member
Member # 41078
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this topic. I have felt lost. I have posted to talkaboutmarriage, but my story doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. Short version. Married 11 years. 2 kids. Over the last 6 weeks, through the worst TT imaginable, she has admitted to sex with a coworker 1.5 years in to marriage, that turned into sex for pills 4 times. Sex with 2 women, sex with a coworker 1.5 years ago, and 3 years ago, prostituting herself for about 10 months for methadone and eventually crack. Anyone else heard of this nightmare?

Edit-jusr realized I misspelled my stupid username. :(

[This message edited by diffeentguy at 12:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping or a new member in need....


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping again for a member in need...


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow. Been a while. WS is W again. This time a ONS with a prostitute. Seriously not looking forward to this roller coaster ride, again.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 174
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