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When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters

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LonelySilhouette posted 11/6/2013 12:00 PM

I'm so sorry, Steadfast. He just did this yesterday and you know today?

steadfast1973 posted 11/6/2013 12:41 PM

Yes. Oh, he's got remorse coming out of his ears. Thing is... I don't care. I don't know if it's shock (last time was trickle truth, this time a big huge truth fest and apologies...) or if I am just done.

hathnofury posted 11/8/2013 13:38 PM

Bumping for new members in need...weekends can be slow on SI so old timers may take a while to respond. But what never slows down is the number of newbies that come here every day that need to read this thread. :(

jzkc1502 posted 11/8/2013 13:52 PM

Posted on this thread before as my WH was calling/texting escorts for a perioud of about 6-8 months in 2010.

What do you think the likelihood is that is was JUST that, no PA? I want to believe it was just that, but the sheer volume of calls/texts just seems ad that would have never culminated into at least ONE visit. Plus, strings of texts that were sometimes 20 long, sext? Would an escort do that for free?

What pisses me off more in MC he goes "ya know, they are sales people." Makes me feel like he is minimizing what he did, or really doesn't get it.

hathnofury posted 11/8/2013 14:12 PM

IMHO, jzkc1502? With that kind of volume? Little to none. And no in general Pros do not give away much for free. They don't have time, they are too busy with their paying customers.

My two cents? I hope your MC is well-versed in cheaters of this variety. They are as I said very accomplished liars. MC is usually about mediation of two hurting spouses, not investigating severe deception and abuse on one side. One of the things I was most grateful for in my first MC experience was that the MC understood this early on and referred us to the specialized help we needed. I am so glad this happened, because I have read so many horror stories about how well-meaning MCs swallowed the lies of the WS and led the BS to believe they were to blame for their WS to look for pros and anon encounters. This is why I still stand by my this resource thread to pursue IC first before attempting MC. The WS needs to fix the broken, and the spouse needs to address the trauma inflicted on them before any effective MC can begin. The garden variety MC is not equipped to deal with this.

I wish I could tell you he's probably telling the truth. But I in good conscience can't. Please take care of yourself.

jzkc1502 posted 11/8/2013 14:31 PM

Thanks Hath. Yea its just a hard thing to have to admit to oneself that there was most likely PA.
I have an IC appointment next week, who is also our MC...CSAT and sex therapist so he's had two MC with us and heard WH's story and answers so far.

ShatteredLove00 posted 11/8/2013 14:39 PM

Thank you so much for posting. This will be helpful for women going through the same horrible shock and pain that comes from this kind of discovery. It really is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I have a pretty sad history of abuse and struggle.

hathnofury posted 11/14/2013 14:02 PM

I wish there was not a need for this thread to be bumped as often as it does...hugs to you all.

Shook posted 11/14/2013 15:18 PM

Thanks for bumping this up. I really needed to read it today.

hathnofury posted 12/3/2013 14:44 PM

Bumping for new members. I wish I didn't need to.

hathnofury posted 12/13/2013 20:40 PM

Bumping for new members in need...

outtanowhere posted 12/16/2013 09:44 AM


Anyone13 posted 12/16/2013 18:14 PM

Thank you for bumping. This information is especially helpful, especially about a week in as I'm coming out of my own fog and really starting to process what's really happened. And exactly what it means to consider that my WS is so broken to be able to engage in this type of affair. I knew he had issues, but never understood the
depths and how disturbed he is. I feel like the polygraph portion and then the acceptance of knowing I need to accept that I will never know the full details are contradictory. If I need to accept that, what's the point in doing a polygraph?

lhhell posted 12/16/2013 18:42 PM

Thanks for bumping Hath

I read this thread when you initially posted it. I'm not super active on SI but I can honestly say it's helped me through some of my roughest spots.

I'm worried about the TT. My WH came clean (I hope) fairly quickly. I would be devasted if I found out that there was more than I already know about. But I like your advice that (paraphrasing here) I may need to get comfortable that I may never know the whole truth.

1 year anniversary of Dday coming up. I'm a bit of a mess but this post really helped.

hathnofury posted 12/17/2013 14:29 PM

I feel like the polygraph portion and then the acceptance of knowing I need to accept that I will never know the full details are contradictory. If I need to accept that, what's the point in doing a polygraph?

Mmm...yes, I suppose it does appear that way. It's another one of those things that make more sense with time and healing under your belt. Let me try to explain.

You very aptly summarized this:

And exactly what it means to consider that my WS is so broken to be able to engage in this type of affair. I knew he had issues, but never understood the depths and how disturbed he is.

So you've got a REALLY disturbed person on your hands. Even if s/he is totally willing do whatever it takes...they not be ABLE to disclose everything to you even if they wanted to. It could be because of great shame they can't face what they have done, it could be because they have become such masters of denial and compartmentalization they couldn't call it all up if they wanted, it could be because they have been doing it for so long that the volume of offenses goes back years/decades and it isn't possible to remember it all. Then there are offenses they don't consider relevant that YOU do, etc. There are a great many number of reasons why a "willing" WS that was into prostitutes/anonymous encounters wouldn't be able to come entirely clean, at least right away.

And then if you don't have a WS willing to do whatever it takes, you won't get the whole story either. They might TT, outright lie, omit offenses they don't consider relevant, etc even when confronted with irrefutable proof. You might go through a long period of false R before you'd ever know. Or they might prefer to just cut and run than have to face or admit what they did.

As newly JFO, you can't see all of this yet (and this goes for all BS, not just us with the "special" ones). It's not likely at all you have all the pieces of the puzzle, so you don't even know what scenario you are in even if you knew what they all were. It takes time, perspective, see consistent change in actions, and a whole lotta therapy to see where YOU are in this mess, let alone where WS is.

Then there are the limitations of the polygraph. You can't ask a blanket question of did you tell me everything and get good results. It is a tool that used by the right kind of expert, who asks the right kind of questions, can point out the problem areas. I don't recommend you do a poly on your own in this particular case, unless you are just using it as a means to get a parking lot confession or see if s/he just refuses on principle. I would only use it with a therapy program that specializes in using a polygraph as part of the infidelity healing process. In that arena, polygraphs are used to verify aspects of disclosure, if the WS is being truthful in therapy (because a lot of them continue to lie in therapy), and also to verify the WS's faithfulness post-DD. The last one meaning, say every six months or a year, the primary question on the polygraph is have you been faithful since the last polygraph? And if you are thinking why would I stay if I have to get regular polygraphs, think of it as like a drug test for those married to a drug addict. You use them as long as you need to, or only when you need to.

So anyway, the point is you aren't going to get the whole truth right now no matter what your scenario is, and you probably don't know what your true scenario even is yet. But if you are persistent with your own healing, over time this will all make sense. If you both pursue independent therapy in some form, you may come to realize you don't need to know ALL the details. Or you may come to realize you need guidance and support in getting the details, because many of them are very traumatic for you.

Pretty much I am just saying, for your own best interest, assume there is more than you know, and prepare for that. Get your ducks in a row, put yourself in the best physical and mental condition to prepare for it, get yourself the support your need NOW before the proverbial shit hits the fan. Nothing is wasted by doing this, and everything to gain.

Anyone13 posted 12/18/2013 16:09 PM

Thank you hathnofury. That was extremely helpful for me. I think I've been expecting to start with a clean slate, not understanding why that might be difficult or even impossible for my WS at this point. Is it strange that I'm actually finding some peace in the "I don't have to know everything" part? It's enabling me to let go of wanting to continue to investigate and "get all of the facts." We had our second marriage counseling session last night, and I brought up in front of the counselor that I knew he still wasn't being honest and that basically if he's unable to be honest (for whatever the reason), then he needs to just say so. I told him I would rather you tell me that you can't tell me now, then to further lie to me. The next step is for him to begin IC with someone on his own, a referral from my counselor. And I just have to learn to be patient, because I'm the type that wants resolution RIGHT NOW. LOL. I have to accept that he has a long journey ahead of him of finding out and addressing his demons, and since he can't even explain or understand why he's done this, clearly he can't make any promises to me so I need to stop asking for them. The hardest part is going into this knowing there's no assurance of recovery, possibility of being in false recovery now and for the indefinite future and what sounds like the likelihood of continuous TT. Kind of overwhelming when you think about it all.

Anyone13 posted 12/18/2013 16:09 PM

Not sure why my last comment posted twice, so just editing to remove it so I don't look like an idiot.

[This message edited by Anyone13 at 5:13 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Anyone13 posted 12/20/2013 16:18 PM

hathnofury - I posted an update to my story and a question on the Reconciliation forum. Since you seem to be the most knowledgable about this - do you think it's too soon to believe we are at least on the path to R, in light of the fact I dont think he's been entirely honest with me about all the details. But I have accepted that and based on what you've told me so far he may be struggling with that for a number of reasons. I believe he needs IC to determine if true R is even possible, but at least at the moment I believe this is the outcome we both striving for... even if it's false R if he's not capable of healing his issues.

hathnofury posted 12/31/2013 19:11 PM

Bumping for new members in need...

Gotmegood posted 1/1/2014 20:44 PM

What a gift to me, to read this post. (Could I have stumbled upon it earlier when I couldn't breathe, couldn't read, and if I did, certainly couldn't comprehend anything....the shock was so great.....maybe).
SI has been my lifeline, seriously. And I read every day. What I have been thru w/ prostitute cheating and having no one but WH to talk to has been the most isolating and frightening experience of my life. I have chosen not to tell my friends and family at this time. One of the problems with this scenario is that in all the shock and really horrible pain, it works against the BS and allows the ridiculously warped thinking of the WS to thrive. My WH is, in all other aspects of his life, a kind, respected, and soft spoken gentleman. SI is my reality check. Here is where I received the information I needed, the validation I needed, and the guts to call bullshit on him when in the first days he said to me "aren't you at least glad it was just a prostitute". I didn't understand justification until I came here.

As I said, I read here every day. And I would read thru the *normal?* infidelities and get to the fog part, and sort of skip it, wrongly thinking it was all about *rainbows and unicorns*. I was so wrong. He very definitely had a fog.....still clinging to it in some ways. No, it's not about being in lurve. But it most certainly is about not facing the ugliness that is prostitution. And to me, for any R to happen, this fog needs to lift.
I could write for another 3 hours about what this hell has been like. Most importantly, I am better than I was when I first found out because of this site, and time. Thanks for this thread from the bottom of my heart.

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