What do you think the likelihood is that is was JUST that, no PA? I want to believe it was just that, but the sheer volume of calls/texts just seems ad that would have never culminated into at least ONE visit. Plus, strings of texts that were sometimes 20 long, sext? Would an escort do that for free?
What pisses me off more in MC he goes "ya know, they are sales people." Makes me feel like he is minimizing what he did, or really doesn't get it.
My two cents? I hope your MC is well-versed in cheaters of this variety. They are as I said very accomplished liars. MC is usually about mediation of two hurting spouses, not investigating severe deception and abuse on one side. One of the things I was most grateful for in my first MC experience was that the MC understood this early on and referred us to the specialized help we needed. I am so glad this happened, because I have read so many horror stories about how well-meaning MCs swallowed the lies of the WS and led the BS to believe they were to blame for their WS to look for pros and anon encounters. This is why I still stand by my this resource thread to pursue IC first before attempting MC. The WS needs to fix the broken, and the spouse needs to address the trauma inflicted on them before any effective MC can begin. The garden variety MC is not equipped to deal with this.
I wish I could tell you he's probably telling the truth. But I in good conscience can't. Please take care of yourself.
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell
I read this thread when you initially posted it. I'm not super active on SI but I can honestly say it's helped me through some of my roughest spots.
I'm worried about the TT. My WH came clean (I hope) fairly quickly. I would be devasted if I found out that there was more than I already know about. But I like your advice that (paraphrasing here) I may need to get comfortable that I may never know the whole truth.
1 year anniversary of Dday coming up. I'm a bit of a mess but this post really helped.
I feel like the polygraph portion and then the acceptance of knowing I need to accept that I will never know the full details are contradictory. If I need to accept that, what's the point in doing a polygraph?
Mmm...yes, I suppose it does appear that way. It's another one of those things that make more sense with time and healing under your belt. Let me try to explain.
You very aptly summarized this:
And exactly what it means to consider that my WS is so broken to be able to engage in this type of affair. I knew he had issues, but never understood the depths and how disturbed he is.
So you've got a REALLY disturbed person on your hands. Even if s/he is totally willing do whatever it takes...they not be ABLE to disclose everything to you even if they wanted to. It could be because of great shame they can't face what they have done, it could be because they have become such masters of denial and compartmentalization they couldn't call it all up if they wanted, it could be because they have been doing it for so long that the volume of offenses goes back years/decades and it isn't possible to remember it all. Then there are offenses they don't consider relevant that YOU do, etc. There are a great many number of reasons why a "willing" WS that was into prostitutes/anonymous encounters wouldn't be able to come entirely clean, at least right away.
And then if you don't have a WS willing to do whatever it takes, you won't get the whole story either. They might TT, outright lie, omit offenses they don't consider relevant, etc even when confronted with irrefutable proof. You might go through a long period of false R before you'd ever know. Or they might prefer to just cut and run than have to face or admit what they did.
As newly JFO, you can't see all of this yet (and this goes for all BS, not just us with the "special" ones). It's not likely at all you have all the pieces of the puzzle, so you don't even know what scenario you are in even if you knew what they all were. It takes time, perspective, see consistent change in actions, and a whole lotta therapy to see where YOU are in this mess, let alone where WS is.
Then there are the limitations of the polygraph. You can't ask a blanket question of did you tell me everything and get good results. It is a tool that used by the right kind of expert, who asks the right kind of questions, can point out the problem areas. I don't recommend you do a poly on your own in this particular case, unless you are just using it as a means to get a parking lot confession or see if s/he just refuses on principle. I would only use it with a therapy program that specializes in using a polygraph as part of the infidelity healing process. In that arena, polygraphs are used to verify aspects of disclosure, if the WS is being truthful in therapy (because a lot of them continue to lie in therapy), and also to verify the WS's faithfulness post-DD. The last one meaning, say every six months or a year, the primary question on the polygraph is have you been faithful since the last polygraph? And if you are thinking why would I stay if I have to get regular polygraphs, think of it as like a drug test for those married to a drug addict. You use them as long as you need to, or only when you need to.
So anyway, the point is you aren't going to get the whole truth right now no matter what your scenario is, and you probably don't know what your true scenario even is yet. But if you are persistent with your own healing, over time this will all make sense. If you both pursue independent therapy in some form, you may come to realize you don't need to know ALL the details. Or you may come to realize you need guidance and support in getting the details, because many of them are very traumatic for you.
Pretty much I am just saying, for your own best interest, assume there is more than you know, and prepare for that. Get your ducks in a row, put yourself in the best physical and mental condition to prepare for it, get yourself the support your need NOW before the proverbial shit hits the fan. Nothing is wasted by doing this, and everything to gain.
[This message edited by Anyone13 at 5:13 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
As I said, I read here every day. And I would read thru the *normal?* infidelities and get to the fog part, and sort of skip it, wrongly thinking it was all about *rainbows and unicorns*. I was so wrong. He very definitely had a fog.....still clinging to it in some ways. No, it's not about being in lurve. But it most certainly is about not facing the ugliness that is prostitution. And to me, for any R to happen, this fog needs to lift.
I could write for another 3 hours about what this hell has been like. Most importantly, I am better than I was when I first found out because of this site, and time. Thanks for this thread from the bottom of my heart.