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Newest Member: madboomer (44576)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: he's taking a poly - what should I ask
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has asked to take a poly, so I've set it up for Friday.

Briefly: he's admitted to "pursuing opportunities" (attempted to ask women to coffees/lunches whom he is interested in) over the last three years, but says he only actually went to two lunches with two separate women; he admitted to sexually fantasizing about, and then subsequently engaging in the beginnings of an EA with a woman at work, when I got diagnosed with hpv and saw the emails, and it (hopefully) abruptly halted. It was definitely ramping up and heading toward lunch dates when the almighty intervened.

I found an older string of emails for a second pseudo-EA (when i was out of the country), and it was very clear he was asking her out, but she appears to turn him down. He also admits to flirting with others, but keeps saying he can't remember anything about them - basically, he's only really admitting what I've found, and not much more. Granted, I've been so pissed off, and he's so passive aggressive and conflict avoidant that I've probably made it harder for him to admit things. But part of the reason I'm peeved is that he's very defensive, blames me for his behavior, and while he shows some flashes of regret, is mainly not remorseful. He also gaslighted me for 6 weeks before I found the emails.

But he swears he was never physical in ANY WAY with anyone.

Here is where I would love some help: I get three poly questions, what should I ask? One will be whether he's had any physical contact with anyone. But what about the other two? What he's describing is so vague and different from other situations that I'm confused.

Maybe it would also be helpful to know how long this has gone on - he says 3 years, but we've been married for 19.

Any ideas?


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the physical contact question - that has to be specifc - "Have you ever had ANY type of intimate contact with another person other than your spouse - this includes kissing, hugging, petting, oral sex and intercourse." It's one question, but just asking if he's been physical is rather vague. JMHO.

Others will come along with suggestions too...

Hugs and good luck...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5016 | Registered: May 2007
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, you can't ask any questions dealing with feelings.

They have to be specific.

One question that seems to come up alot is

"Does HPV50 know everything there is to know about your relationship with "XYZ"?

I am sure there are more out there. Good luck and let us know how it goes.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1426 | Registered: Jun 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Have you told your wife everything about your inappropriate contact with others?"

"Have you have any intimate contact with any woman other than your wife since you married?"

"Other than the EA's you have admitted to,are there any others?"


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7248 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've mentioned this before, but I think it was ignored. POLYGRAPHS ARE NOT RELIABLE INDICATORS OF TRUTH.

Seriously. Go read the research. There's a reason why polygraph results are not admissable in court.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

POLYGRAPHS ARE NOT RELIABLE INDICATORS OF TRUTH

Neither are liars and cheaters, at least the poly is MORE reliable then they are.

I would ask "have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than your wife". If you ask about "intimate contact", he could get a positive if he's kissed his mother since you married him. But if you ask about sexual contact, well, hopefully he hasn't done that to his mother since you met. (OK, I know, gross, but that was kinda funny too)

Another for me would be "are there any secret emails, cell phones, websites, etc. that HPV doesn't know about that you use to have contact or solicit contact with anyone else?"


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HPV is a sexually transmitted disease. Did you have sex with anyone else in the last 7 years other then your husband???

If not he gave this to you.
That is what my physician told me when I had my diagnosis of HPV which went into squamous cancerous cells which then I had a complete hyster.. He is lying..Sorry...
My spouses affair could of killed me had I not stayed on top of my PAPs and annual check ups.. Please make sure you are checked every 6 months from here on out..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither are liars and cheaters, at least the poly is MORE reliable then they are.

Actually, doesitgetbetter, they AREN'T more reliable. They are as fickle as the polygraph examiner -- it is the examiner's interpretations that determine truth from lie, not an objective measure of any sort.

Polygraphs are notorious for being easy to fool, and also for false positives.

I don't want to take away a tool that so many here clearly rely upon for their peace of mind, but the evidence is overwhelming. Polygraphs DO NOT OFFER A RELIABLE MEANS OF DETERMINING TRUTH.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a few SI members who work in this area..a sociopath can easily pass a lie detector..but for the average person a polygraph is much hard to deceive. Impossible? No.

AS,I understand you believe your research. And I respect that you have a different opinion. I base my polygraph suggestions on the SI members who have posted here and given their personal experience both giving a polygraph and working with those who do administer these tests.

hpv,the fact that he said he would take it is positive. However,follow through. Many WS's have said they'd take the test,then they give a "parking lot confession" before going inside to take the test. Even if you get that,go through with it. A lot of SI members have had their WS take a poly..and they didn't pass..and then WS admitted to the rest.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7248 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the suggestions, guys. I actually agree that polygraph tests are not completely reliable. BUT: my husband really wants to take it, it's better than nothing, and I spent a ton of time researching who to choose - and I found someone good (licensed, sits on the state board, does this full time, etc), so what the heck.

Also, yes, hpv is sexually transmitted, but for about 2% of the cases with my profile, it comes out of long term remission. I was also recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism (an autoimmune disorder of sorts), which may have triggered the hpv. Am I deluded enough to believe that his EA/dating attempts weren't a PA? Heck, no. But given that I've done everything I can to find more evidence (and failed), a poly test seems like better than nothing.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
AnotherTry
♀ Member
Member # 19498
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have to do what YOU have to. There are many types of advice/opinions you can gather but in the end, it's what YOU believe and choose to live with or not. I'm not discounting anyone's opinion here because we all speak from experience. I just know at the close of a day, it's all up to me, good or bad. Prayers you find peace. Notice I don't say you find answers because sometimes those NEVER come, I just hope you can find peace.


BS 41
FWH 40 (4reasonsunknown)
M 15 yrs, together 18
D-day 05/08/08
Finished almost a year of MC and WE are healed!! WE survived infidelity only through God's love and grace!!
3 wonderful girls, 14, 13, 8
With God ALL things are possible

Posts: 522 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NC
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arable Sands, they are imperfect, but they're the only tool we have.

They are FAR more reliable than liars and cheaters.

Can some people beat them? Sure. People like my husband, who is personality-disordered and are devoid of conscience, sure.

False positives are rarer.

The key is finding a well-qualified polygrapher.

And---yes--it's important to recognize that it is just a TOOL.

When you live with a stonewalling liar, sometimes the most imperfect tool is remarkably effective.

If nothing else, they tend to spur parking lot confessions. Are these typically complete revelations? Not usually. But for some of us, ANY information is better than the NONE we otherwise have.

Knowing my husband's disorder, I wouldn't bother with a polygraph. But most people are not conscience-free. And for those people, many of us (having duly DONE the research you routinely insist would convince us otherwise) have concluded that, indeed, polygraphy IS a viable option.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:04 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8478 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lalagrirl suggested: "Have you ever had ANY type of intimate contact with another person other than your spouse - this includes kissing, hugging, petting, oral sex and intercourse."

Maybe it's because I live in Europe, but this question seems too general. I have kissed (on the cheeks) and hugged a lot of people. It is rude not to. It has never been inappropriate but a question worded that way would trip me up. That is, I have done nothing wrong but what is the correct answer to that question? It has to be yes or no right?

At the same time, I like the question about things not yet revealed.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, doesitgetbetter, they AREN'T more reliable

Still, have to disagree. Reason? There is a 100% chance that my lying cheating spouse is lying, and at least a better chance than 0 that the poly is not.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did the poly go?


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8092 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HPV50 how did it go???
Hoping for the best for you!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 16

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