Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: dink (44972)

Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AD))))

Hang in there, it will get done in due time.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself. You are doing great.

((((AD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Here is something that has angered me to no end, especially in light of STBXWW's only recent declaration of 50/50 mandate.

Since she moved out (AKA left her babies) last February, she has rarely--I mean 80% of the time--called them through the day just to check in, say hi, I love you, how was school, etc.

Always just a terse "good night." And on occasion not even that. Or she will call much later than their bedtime, when she knows very well they are sleeping.

When she has them she is extremely loving and attentive, but when she doesn't it is like they don't exist. She is off in her single life. Even when we were together it was like that. As though she had two lives--one with a family and one without.

Now she is all about 50/50, which of course is a joke, since there is no way she will be spending 50% of her time with them, even if her job permits it.

(And when she does,have them she hires a sitter for hours!)

And she is lovebombing them these days to a ridiculous extent--for my benefit, it seems: loudly saying to them "I love you sooooooo much."

It's as though she is laying the groundwork or establishing precedent for justifying 50/50. Something is wrong.

Sorry for the jumbled semi-rant....

Any thoughts are welcome.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They compartamentalize their lives, their mind, like a waffle. They are sick. We have to protect our children's hearts, without their help..

During separation, my atty told me to write down every day WS did or did not get the kids, even when he did or did not call. (Secretly, AD!!LOL). Honestly, this was the ONLY secret I didn't blab to XWH, because I knew it would help me/children long term. My atty said, "Don't beg him to get the kids, see them, call them, etc, NOTHING. Just keep a log for me." I jotted it on the calendar, then when it was time for the temporary orders at the 1st hearing, we were ready if he asked for that shared week thing. I ended up with primary custody.

I get what you are saying about how can they just blow off their own children! --I believe they are mentally ill.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:09 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2132 | Registered: Jan 2012
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being angry about certain things will go in cycles. I guess it is just part of the process, but doesn't change anything.

As hard as it is to turn your back on what is "wrong" with her and focus on what you need to move forward, it is such a poor use of emotion, and of time, that I wish I hadn't wasted.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AD,

I've followed your threads, but have not posted as you've received so much good advice. This is such a difficult phase of the whole process and you are doing so well.


When she has them she is extremely loving and attentive, but when she doesn't it is like they don't exist. She is off in her single life. Even when we were together it was like that. As though she had two lives--one with a family and one without.

One of the things that you are going to notice as you further detach and process the marriage, affair, and divorce, is that some of the behaviors that you are seeing now, although magnified have always been present.

I thought I was in a happy marriage, and I was happy, but when I was further out, I realized that I was married to a very angry person. Our home was one in which we all walked on egg shells to avoid his wrath. I had always been the stable parent for the kids. Always and in all ways. Nothing had really changed, the dynamic just ramped up because we were divorcing.

I think you're going to find exactly the same.

Take care,

[This message edited by foxglove at 7:26 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1453 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her hypocrisy is stunning is it not? the really sad thing is she probably really truly believes she is a wonderful mother. my belief is that she is not in a fog, you are just beginning to see you too she really is.

one of the reasons I've been following your posts is that your situation sounds remarkably familiar. Your STBXWW and my XW could be clones. right down to picking the kids up and dropping them somewhere so she could continue illicit behavior. quite literally nothing was ever her fault, there was always an extenuating circumstance or someone else to blame.

we attended some counseling prior to my filing for divorce. enough so that the counselor was able to get a grasp of what her behavior was truly like. that quickly Ended when the counselor suggested We look into borderline personality disorder. remember not all the symptoms need to fit for a diagnosis. just a majority. in her case, suicide or self-harm are never an option. she had too many narcissistic traits to allow that to happen. her sense of entitlement knew no bounds. to the point that 15 years after our divorce, she was convicted of theft and embezzlement. guess what, reasoning was that her employer was not paying her enough and she was entitled to more.

anyway, point being been there done that. continue doing what you're doing. protect yourself and your children. it's a wild roller coaster ride and your children will need a lot of help.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I've seen IRL and on SI, the wayward parent always paints themselves as The Model Parent, but their actions really do say different.

In my own situation, XH was an okay father, albeit absent for most of the time due to work, but even so, when he was here, he switched his fatherhood on and off as needed.

I never understood that - I was Mom from the second I had the boys. How does one turn that off???? Ever???

Still, this is quite a phenomena I think. I've seen it so often in both moms and dads - they can just pick up and carry on as though those kids never existed. And the kids - how do they respond? I don't really like talking about that much because sadly, it really disheartens me, but it seems they still love that absent parent, despite their obvious faults.

It's disgusting.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I've seen IRL and on SI, the wayward parent always paints themselves as The Model Parent, but their actions really do say different.

This has been a recent thing--a tactic, I believe, to start portraying herself as a great parent, suspecting that I am going to veto her 50/50 command. She knows that she left them and that puts her at a huge disadvantage (I assume?) for 50/50 custody.

So every chance she has, she says variations of "WE are wonderful parents." Usually in the presence of the kids, but not always. I have have to swallow my bile when she says this.

Something interesting, though, pre-affair: many times she confessed to me that she believes she is a "bad mother." At the time, of course, I assured her that she was wonderful. Maybe she "knew" deep down she was indeed a bad mother. Maybe she just wanted me to assure her otherwise. But I always remember this, as she said it many times.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that you mention it, I can recall XH saying that he felt that he "could do a Hell of a lot more" with the boys when they were little. He said that quite a bit, actually. He never actually DID anything more though.

Do you think that maybe these people just don't have that parenting gene in them, and maybe we just choose not to see it while we're with them?

Looking back, I guess I must have.

[This message edited by ExposedNiblet at 12:23 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most women have felt like bad mothers at one time or another and have shared that with their partner. So I don't think it's some deep down thing.

Also how do you know she is telling them she loves them soo much etc when they are on the phone with her? Are the kids sitting on your lap while talking to her?

Being hurt angry and everything because someone cheats I understand I had all those same emotions but having a damned if she does and damned if she doesn't attitude about the kids I don't understand. As long as the kids are being taken care of and are loved indifference will help you the most. It's none of your business how often she tells them she loves them just be thankful she does. Also none of your business if she gets a babysitter.


Posts: 505 | Registered: Aug 2009
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also how do you know she is telling them she loves them soo much etc when they are on the phone with her? Are the kids sitting on your lap while talking to her?

The kids always put her on speakerphone. Plus she fairly yells it when we have a face-to-face exchange. I don't mean to doubt her love. She loves them sentimentally, even though she is oblivious to her actions that harm them. In the same way she "loves" me, I guess--or at least purports to.

As for the babysitting, I know it's none of my business. It just irks me that she expresses how much she wants to be with them, but then promptly uses so much of her time NOT to be with them.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As though she had two lives--one with a family and one without.

Well, you are about to find out about balance.

How are you, Abbondad, currently spending your child-free time? What are your personal plans for this weekend? (No need to answer here.)

You need to start thinking about *you*.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also none of your business if she gets a babysitter.

I beg to differ! It is most definitely AD's business if his children are being left with a sitter when they could be with him. It's called, "first right of refusal." That means that when one parent can't be with the children during their parenting time, the other parent has the option to take the children themselves, rather than have them be with a sitter.

It also will make a difference in his custody battle. If he can prove that she isn't spending even her limited time with them, it strengthens his case for primary custody.

And lastly, it is his business to know whom his children are with. Often WS's leave the children with unsuitable people. This would DEFINITELY be AD's business. Both parents have a right to know whom their children are with especially when the parents aren't there.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with CM. I'll add one more layer to yhe onion though. It will be a HUGE factor in where the court decides to place custody. What image do you think the court will get when it see's that STBXWW chooses to spend her limited time with the children somewhere else?

If I could, I'd post the relevant part of the courts decision in my case. It was something along the lines of her choosing to self limit her times with the kids, whereas, I choose to spend it with them.

Coupled with her abandoning the marital home and exposing them to the pic's and subsequently the OM, I think you have a hell'uva case for primary custody.

Keep documenting Follow your lawyers advice over any you get here. You may choose to submit some things you hear or learn though.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the tactics of a personality disordered person is the hope that if they tell a lie/mistruth loud enough and often enough, in an authoritative tone of voice, it becomes fact.

Beware of letting people who matter in this case fall into the trap of believing her. Documentation will uncover her lies.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I beg to differ! It is most definitely AD's business if his children are being left with a sitter when they could be with him. It's called, "first right of refusal." That means that when one parent can't be with the children during their parenting time, the other parent has the option to take the children themselves, rather than have them be with a sitter.

Exactly what I'm fighting for right now. He leaves them with MOW while he's working, and I'm available, so that should not be happening..

And it doesn't matter if its her, his mom, daycare, etc. If I'm available, I should have them while he works..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to start thinking about *you*.

Good advice and discussion by all on your latest post AD but I want to specifically point out what ladiesfirst posted. Being upset and frustrated is normal and you will remain that way for a while. Continue to do the things your lawyer tells you and document. I just wanted to point out again that while you can't help but think about them and their decisions don't forget to spend even more time focusing on YOU. The less you focus on your WW the more power you regain and the quicker your life becomes normal again. The rants from her will soon mean nothing and you won't get upset thinking about things. Yes much of it is time but it's also a conscious effort to focus on YOU instead of her. By all means come here to vent and get it all out, just don't forget to go out and spend some time on AD just having some fun and doing things you enjoy. The more you do it the easier it gets. Best of luck AD, your doing great!

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First right of refusal is one thing. If he files for it and wins and wants the kids then ok. Him judging her because she gets a babysitter is in my opinion not cool. The thing people don't realize is once you divorce someone you give up being able to control them. It will do nothing but make him upset!

leaving the kids with a babysitter once in a while is good for adults, good for couples and good for the kids. If AD gets full custody and leaves them with babysitter to go on a date are y'all going to judge him just as harshly? What about for hobbies, exercise etc?


Posts: 505 | Registered: Aug 2009
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also right of first refusal often has a time limit to it. Waffle's lawyer proposed 4 (ie only need to offer if the time is >4 hours), my lawyer says it's most often 8 in our county. Basically if someone has to leave the kids for an hour to go to the dentist or something, no need to ask the other parent. If they're called into work, then they do.

Work the details of these things out with your L. Definitely get first refusal in there (usually goes both ways), find out the time limit if applicable, then document any occasions where it is violated.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
guiltyone
♂ Member
Member # 30907
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad-

Emotions aside- all this having a separate life is a good thing legally. She is laying the groundwork for her own doom in the divorce. You must document everything- including the lack of time and effort she put into the kids.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 965
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.