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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Friends,

I'm in a bit of a quandary. Or maybe not. Maybe, as usual, I am over thinking it.

WW has both kids until Monday. They are sick. "Historically," I have literally always taken care of them when they were ill, taking them to,the doctors, getting meds, administering meds, keeping them fed and hydrated, etc. WW got too freaked out and worried and was basically useless.

So now she is text-bombing me about every little thing: what kind of juice does DS tolerate, when did fever start (I told her exactly when the other day), when was the last time I gave him meds, what kind of meds, etc.

I do NOT want to engage in some sort of a "NC power struggle" at the children's expense. They are sick and that takes precedence over her and my "issues." Frankly it kills me that I don't have them to take care of when they are sick.

At the same time part of me is angry and I think, "This is a result of your horrible choices. YOU have to step up and take care of our sick children. This is single motherhood. Deal with it."

Do I keep responding to her texts since they involve the kids, or continue to go dark?

Also, I am sick as well. So in addition to all the texts about the sick kids, she is asking me if I need anything... Basically bombing me with "Ms. Nurturing." (These I have ignored.)

Thanks!

(I did not tell her I am sick as well to garner sympathy; DS told her this morning.)

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:00 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest a simple text that says, "From your copious amounts of text, it would seem that you cannot handle the situation so I would suggest that you bring the kids home so that I can take care of them."

Then file copies of the text thread in your D file.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 377 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do that mack...although I can see where having them back home might be wanted, that just sounds like a put down...and not good for court.

I would say I last gave him tylenol at 4pm friday. Son is old enough to answer for himself on what juice he would prefer at this time.

Ignore the rest. I know the kids are sick, and you want to hold them and make them better...but let her figure it out. Honestly, she needs to whether she gets 50/50 custody or only has them once a month.

I'm guessing the kids have a cold or the flu or something. They will survive through the weekend with her. Use the time to concentrate on yourself and make yourself well.

The basic conversation should be, or should have been when she took the kids:

Johnny and Jenny both have fevers and runny noses. I have been giving them tylenol for the fever. Last dose was at 4pm friday. They have been taking buckleys for the runny noses. Here's what I have left in the bottle.

If you did this, and I'm pretty sure you did, she has all the info she needs. If she forgot what time the last dose was, I'd tell her again, because I wouldn't want the kids to suffer too long between doses, or be OD'd. But other than that...she needs to figure it out. Maybe struggling through this will show her she doesn't really want 50/50, as she's not able to handle it. Turn off the ringer on your phone for a bit and take a nap so you get better for when they come home.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5373 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

Devistaded,

I DID tell her everything when we did the trade-off: this is what I gave them when I gave them, what scripts are being refilled, when they will be ready, what their symptoms are, etc. There is nothing else needed from me.

Yes, she needs to figure it out.

But here is my prediction: the kids always want me when they are sick, since I always am the rock, sick or not--but especially when they are sick.

They will want to come home.

WW may use them to guilt me into bringing them home--and I won't be surprised if she wants to stay as well under the guise of "wanting to take care of them too."

Of course this would confuse the kids utterly.

If this happens and I say "No" (at least to HER being in the house) she will claim that I am using the kids against her (a charge she has leveled before) and/or depriving them of their mom when they are sick. Or some such bullshit games.

I will let you know if my prediction comes true.

And all this is another reason why 50/50 would and should not work.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest a simple text that says, "From your copious amounts of text, it would seem that you cannot handle the situation so I would suggest that you bring the kids home so that I can take care of them."
Then file copies of the text thread in your D file.

I like this idea. I do understand devistated's side as well, but if she truly is incapable of taking care of the kids while sick, I think that I would want to do so and not worry about legal stuff. They're sick. Playing with "maybes" is not cool. This is about the kids. Not about her and her histrionics.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 8:52 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4965 | Registered: May 2007
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD,

I have been watching your threads but have not replied. I think you are doing great.

Here is my take on this sick kid situation, and this is coming from a child of divorce. My parents D when I was young.

There were many times that I was with my dad when I would have an asthma attack and my mom usually dealt with that and knew exactly what to do. My dad didn't. So I told him, and we dealt with it. Was it the exact way that my mom did? No. Did he do a great job of it? No, but I survived and it was ok.

At some point, she has to be a mother. I would leave it alone at this point and tell her she can handle it. It may be hard for you to give up control on some of these issues, but that is what is needed. She does need to learn how to be their mother.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4524 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXWH texted me while he recently had the children to tell me that DS5 had an accident in his pants, two days in a row.

My initial text was, "Is he feeling sick?"

WH: " No, he just said he didn't know he had to go."

Me: " Ok. I will talk to him about it tonight when he comes home."

Seriously? What did he expect me to do about it? The poor child is still only 5 years old. Accidents happen and he has been through a lot in the past month.

I have changed more dirty diapers and wet undies than I can even count. I really wanted to say, "Sorry pal. Its called being a parent."

I don't know if they do these things to make us feel bad. I can only imagine how upset and embarassed my son must have been. Or, if they are just so ignorant to what it takes to be a parent because they live in fairy tale land.

Hang in there! I think you're doing great. I've been following your posts since I came back to the site and I have gained a lot of insight by reading your threads.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But here is my prediction:

I will let you know if my prediction comes true.

And all this is another reason why 50/50 would and should not work.


Your predictions are just that: Predictions. Fantasy. Conjecture.

Your kids are sick, and your wife is at loose ends because you've always done the dirty work.

This is a reason why 50/50 can and must work.

WW has both kids until Monday.

Her problem: Two sick children.
Your problem: Codependency. And a failure to turn off the phone and practice self-care while sick.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest you take half of mack's suggestion. Answer her on the medicine, and then archive the text thread for documentation. It helps support that you have been the primary caregiver and supports that your WW doesn't have a clue as to how to parent.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 324 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she illiterate? Just wondering because that's the only reason I can come up with for bothering you. She should be able to read the medication labels and follow the instructions.

I would suggest with a response that says as much with a if it is too difficult for you to manage then bring them home to me. I will take care of them and you are not welcome to stay. Be very clear and up front that she is not welcome.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7815 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your advice, everyone.

She is texting me everything she is doing. I am not responding, as the texts have quickly progressed from "I am taking DS to the doctor" to "did you get the check from the family we rehomed our dog to" to "How are you feeling?"

Oh, and sure enough, she is circling our home, having dropped off our (sick) DS at her friend's house across the street from us. I am staying away until I know she is back at her place.

On the legal front: petition has been filed, lawyer is getting the summons together.

Based on WW's texts, I assume she has not heard from my attorney.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Attorney just emailed me: all paperwork is in, approved, accepted, filed, etc. She is ready to contact my wife.

I must be honest: I am really nervous about her reaction. I hate that I am still codependent on her reactions, but there it is.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. Hard though it may be, this is the beginning of your new beginning.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, AD.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AD))))

Hang in there, and hang on TIGHT. The ride is going to get much bumpier.....

((((AD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is their Mother.

She needs to learn how to care for her children in case you *GOD FORBID* die or become incapacitated.

Very good for stepping back and staying away.

She honestly needs to grow up and understand what real parents do.

You and I have taken up the slack and been there way too much.

Letting them live in reality will wake them up more than any words we can say.

You did fine today...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAVE EVERY TEXT YOU JUST GOT.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're doing good brother. those kids need stability in their life.
she is obviously incapable of providing that at this point.

buckle up. you may want to consider having a friend or family member come over. speaking of that, have you told your family yet? real life support network would be beneficial right now.

PM if you feel the need. otherwise, continue posting you know you have our support.

as always, I offer strength to get through the trials and tribulations.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2568 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. My attorney and I decided to just send her an email. (It's been sent.)

I am hanging at my brother's just in case she decides to storm the home.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Attorney just emailed me: all paperwork is in, approved, accepted, filed, etc. She is ready to contact my wife. I must be honest: I am really nervous about her reaction. I hate that I am still codependent on her reactions, but there it is.

I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody gets married hoping for a divorce; I'm sorry that reality turned out different that you expectations, Abbondad.

((((Abbondad))))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
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