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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Fwiw, this is how i handle this issue in my situation.

The kids did nothing wrong and had no resposibility for being thrust into a parent-sharing circus; therefore, they should not be hurt further in order to make some obscure relationship point, etc. Example: I would not leave it up to my xWW to figure out that my DD responds better to Advil versus Tylenol. I would tell her. if she asked me again, I would tell her again or I would respond to her email or test message, or I would sky write it for her, if necessary.


Regarding your specific situation, I would suggest that you Answer all kid-related questions politely and fully. Answer only the kids-related parts. Do this for the benefit of the kids. Save all text messages, for your custody-related benefit.
No drama here.


Also, just "keeping it real", to me, her questions about the medicine and drinks are all reasonable. She is trying to do the right thing for the kids, so be thankful she's asking these questions. You may have told her at the dropoff. That's a stressful time for everyone. She may have forgotten.

A good rule of thumb in all kid-related dealings is simply, what is best for the kids.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 2:53 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 804 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't just tell her at the hand off what you did with and when with the kiddos. Send her an email with all relevant info of dosage amount and time also she can and should ask the children what juice, etc, info she needs. Then when her emails arrive, refer her to original email once only.

So she took you sick son to her friend across the street from you? She took him out so she could do what? She is a piece of work.

[This message edited by momentintime at 3:25 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2825 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and sure enough, she is circling our home, having dropped off our (sick) DS at her friend's house across the street from us. I am staying away until I know she is back at her place.

WTF? So, not only does DS not matter to her, but she doesn't mind exposing another family to whatever bug it is?

Sigh, more documentation.

She really is a piece of work!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

STBXWW has retained an attorney, so I assume she received my attorney's Email.

Her comment, angrily: "You couldn't have done this at a worse time."

(Referring to filing just when she started her new job, I guess. The audacity never ceases to amaze.)

That was the extent of our "conversation," which occurred during a talk with my sick DS on his phone.

Here we go...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which job did she take? The high paying/high travel job or the lower paying one?


Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs and 2 Cats)

The Cheater:
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Married 18yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 5534 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: United States
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The high-paying high-travel.....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good, then you will get more money. There's a new life beyond this pain and you're very close to it.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 800 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a new life beyond this pain and you're very close to it.

Thank you, I know. I really do now.

Yet when I saw that she had retained an attorney, I was surprised to find hot tears running down my cheeks for the first time in almost a month.

I guess unconsciously there still flickered a flame of hope that finally, finally, the grim reality of divorce would snap her out of who she is.

The blunt reality of it--that she has thrown away her family (for what, I still don't know)--is still shocking.

But the tears have passed and I feel even a little relieved that the "ride" has finally commenced.

Thanks for your continued support and understanding, everyone.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand so well. It will take time for the roller-coaster ride to flatten out. The fact that you feel such love makes you a good man who will make a wonderful partner one day.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 800 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,

I thought stbxww would snap out if it too. Don't forget we are being unreasonable for daring to file in the first place. I mean, how unreasonable that we should want out of a marriage when our wife has been Fucking another man and grenaded the family unit. You utter bastard! At this point everything you do, no matter how good or bad, will be interpreted as bad or with motive. This divorce is for you and your children.

Even if she "snapped" out of it I would be so suspicious at this convenient time.

Keep going, abb

aas


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 527 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You couldn't have done this at a worse time."

Yeah, and the timing for her A was impeccable.....

She wants to blame you for everything - well FTGal!!!

You keep hanging in there, now that you both have L's you should almost never need to communicate directly with her. Keep NC, communicate D issues through your L, and keep being the reliable parent for your children.

Don't get sucked back in.

((((AD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2509 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you know she had hired an attorney? Or was this the first time you heard of it?

Cuz I sorta had a funny feeling by how hard she was trying to "talk you into" doing it thru a mediator that she did have an attorney.


Posts: 5525 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The retainer check just cleared this morning so I assume she retained her when I said I would not go back to mediation and, um, blabbed that I had an attorney.

But I guess it doesn't matter at this point. I filed first if it matters and maybe her attorney can talk some sense into her so this can be do e relatively smoothly and expeditiously.

(Famous last words.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She dropped your sick child off at the neighbors? And went home with your other child?

Why?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She dropped your sick child off at the neighbors? And went home with your other child?
Why?

She dropped off sick DD with neighbor and then took sick DS to doctor. DD had claimed she was feeling better, but then came down with fever, vomiting, etc. It's very contagious as I now have the same thing. I don't know if the neighbors kids got it yet. Oh, and their mom is due any day now.

Nice. Just a small example of the selfishness. Whatever feels or seems beneficial to her, damn the casualties.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. So she exposed her very pregnant friend to whatever virus..or illness..your DS has? Because she didn't want the hassle of taking two kids to the doctor,Im guessing?

And this woman wants 50/50 custody?

Please...you did save all of those texts from her..and printed them off for your attorney?

How are your kids feeling this afternoon?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. So she exposed her very pregnant friend to whatever virus..or illness..your DS has? Because she didn't want the hassle of taking two kids to the doctor,Im guessing?
And this woman wants 50/50 custody?

Yes. Taking two kids to the doctor has always been too much for her. This is why I always did it.

Please...you did save all of those texts from her..and printed them off for your attorney?

I have all of them saved, not printed. I will ask my attorney. (BTW, it feels good to be able to type those words: "I will ask my attorney" :-)

How are your kids feeling this afternoon?

My son is better. His sister is still sick.

My son just called me: he misses me and wants to come home. This always happens whenever he is at his mom's. She is sleeping and he is hungry. (I don't want to make it sound like she's being terribly negligent; he is not starving; but this is not unusual--she sleeps a lot. When we were together, I always took the kids and let her her sleep.)

Look, I want to have an amicable coparenting relationship. I don't want my kids to always call me wanting to come home. I don't want this to turn into a custody battle over a simple 60/40 split or something like that.

But the fact is they are happier with me in their home. So it bothers me. I have always been the primary caretaker. Being the "better" caretaker will be harder to prove, no?

Guess I will ask my attorney...

[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:18 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if she "snapped" out of it I would be so suspicious at this convenient time.

AAS,

There is no way she will snap out of it. It's over. Her choice is very clear: she has chosen her adultery partner over her husband and family.

Oh, BTW: one time I told her she was an "adulteress." She was FURIOUS, actually denying she was! I told her, "Look it up in the fucking dictionary."

Now what does one make of that? Can one really be that deeply buried in denial of something so objectively true?

This bout ended with her storming out, saying, "I will not be attacked like this."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, and the timing for her A was impeccable....

Speaking of timing, I just recently passed the two-year anniversary of my beloved mother's death.

When she was dying in the hospital, thinking she was leaving me in the loving hands and care of my wife, my wife was in her affair.

A few days later after she'd died, I was wracked with grief on our floor. I called my wife at work to come home; I needed her to console me.

Instead, she went to the OM and had sex with him. (She admitted it.) When she came home I told her I wanted a divorce. That night she wept and begged and promised. I backed off and dropped my threat. One of the worst decisions I ever made. She never stopped her A.

Yesterday, after all the papers were filed and my attorney had sent my wife the notification, I asked my bro what mom would say about all this.

He said, "She would be heartbroken--and very proud of her son."

:-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you are hanging tough.

Look, I want to have an amicable coparenting relationship. I don't want my kids to always call me wanting to come home. I don't want this to turn into a custody battle over a simple 60/40 split or something like that.

It will, in all likely hood.


But the fact is they are happier with me in their home. So it bothers me. I have always been the primary caretaker. Being the "better" caretaker will be harder to prove, no?

Nope, all that documentation, all the Dr visits, all the times she stormed out of the house show you to be the better parent. You may have to "prove it", but that is where all that documentation comes into play.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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