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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AD)))

Hope you have found some peace now that the filing is done an you don't have to worry about hiding that.

Hope the kids and you are feeling better as well.

This is the beginning of the rest of your life. This is where you and your kiddos truly begin your new start. This is where you get healthy mentally and physically.

You are doing an amazing job. Stay strong I'm cheering for you!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8222 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Tushnurse and everyone,

Nothing new to report. She's got her attorney and I have mine. She has twenty days to respond, then forty more to submit financial affidavit, I believe?

So the waiting begins.

Here is what is bothering me, though: for the last few weeks, she has suddenly been the "model mom," at least for her. Setting up 50/50 time sharing, calling them every night for goodnight, showering them with love when we exchange them...

Something is off. I can sense it. I know her so well.

Little giveaways here and there. For example, when they were sick, I casually thanked her for keeping me apprised of their condition.

She wrote back, "You know I always have."

And last night the kids fell asleep early so she was too late to call for goodnight.

She texted me, "You need to be more communicative about the kids to me..."

Do you get what I am sensing here?

I believe she has been advised that she is at a disadvantage for custody, having moved out twice, leaving her children. Now it seems she is positioning herself back into their lives.

She knows from the Petition that I want the majority of overnights--not 50/50 as she has demanded. The very fact that she has not gone ballistic over this tells me that someone is advising her to "do, not say."

At least this is my suspicion. Maybe I'm being paranoid.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
phillygirl
♀ Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you get what I am sensing here?

I believe she has been advised that she is at a disadvantage for custody, having moved out twice, leaving her children. Now it seems she is positioning herself back into their lives.

She knows from the Petition that I want the majority of overnights--not 50/50 as she has demanded. The very fact that she has not gone ballistic over this tells me that someone is advising her to "do, not say."

At least this is my suspicion. Maybe I'm being paranoid.

You are not paranoid. What you have here is you reading her like a book.

You are exactly right, act accordingly and shields up!


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2005
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is putting things in writing to counteract the texts you have where she is showing her incompetency.

I think you need to be prepared for things to get really dirty.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ding Ding Ding. I think you nailed it Abbondad. She it trying to 'document' her revised version of history. NC.NC.NC. Kids and finances only. Business like --- no need to be thanking her for anything.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 325 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
rivenheart
♀ Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably not paranoid, but you probably don't need to worry either. The fact that she left them -twice- speaks for itself, pretty loud and pretty clear. A pattern change that happens after consultation with an atty is going to look pretty obvious to a judge. Your own atty should advise you how best to support your 60/40 split with your documentation. Just follow the atty' advice and you should have no worries.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Abbondad))))

I guess one way of looking at this is perhaps her lawyer has smacked her upside the head (figuratively speaking) about how she hasn't been a good parent lately, and she needs to BE A BETTER PARENT. So, she is starting to take steps in that direction.

It could be a legal ploy, that she is just doing in the weeks and months leading up to a legal decision about custody, child support, etc.

OR, it could be that she will actually start taking more responsibility for being a good mother to her children.

If you have been the "co-dependent enabler" (I had such terms but let's go with it for a moment) who has always stepped in to take the weight off her, who has been the real care-giver to the kids, then she hasn't ever really learned how to be fully responsible and she has a learning process to go through now that she doesn't have you to rely on.

Ultimately, I think you should continue with shields up, wary, wise, and "onto her" so that you can obtain the best possible outcome for your kids, where YOU control most of the decision making for important things like school, medical, etc. So, better than 50/50 custody if you can get it. If you can't get the upper hand on that, then you certainly are NOT going to end up with worse than 50/50. 50/50 is your worst-case scenario.

And if it plays out like that, at least the STBXWW is learning how to parent, and you might end up with a better situation for your kids, if she actually persists with good "model" parenting behavior.

Remember you can only control YOU. Be strong in maintaining NC with her and DO NOT ENABLE HER every single time she shows incompetence. Ask yourself, if she doesn't do this "right" or if she doesn't get information from me related to this question she is asking, what is the worst that will happen for the kids?

Will your son's fever not get treated as perfectly as you would do it? If so, will he just be more uncomfortable, or will he suffer some permanent damage? It's just a common virus right? Not meningitis, not epilepsy, not a stick in the eyeball.

Let her learn how to parent better. It will be best for the kids in the long run. And you have plenty of evidence already that she's a shitty parent. And if you just wait as she settles into this new job, I'm pretty sure you will find that GOOD parenting will be very inconvenient for her, and more evidence of her lack of dedication to her kids will be coming your way.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1122 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Very helpful.

I want to believe that she is trying to be a better mom because...she wants to be a better mom.

But I don't believe it.

1) it would contradict all previous behaviors. She never thought of herself other than the greatest mother, oblivious to the fact that her decisions have wrecked our family.

2) she never accepts responsibility or blame (see #1)

3) during our short-lived stint in mediation, she was VERY agitated at the jump in CS she would have to pay, from 50/50 to 60/40.

I think it's about the money. She knows very well that she can't realistically sustain 50/50 and hopes that once it's put into the Agreement, she won't have to pay as much CS and I will take up the slack, as I always have. (Getting the kids a day or so earlier here and there, filling in when she is called away at work, etc.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's about the money. She knows very well that she can't realistically sustain 50/50 and hopes that once it's put into the Agreement, she won't have to pay as much CS and I will take up the slack, as I always have. (Getting the kids a day or so earlier here and there, filling in when she is called away at work, etc.)


This is it. She will play the game (and to her is is a game) thinking she will get what she wants in a CO and be off on her happy new life. One thing you need to remember is that you can haul her back into court and have it modified. Parents do it all the time. If she gets more than you want in the divorce, she will think she has won and THEN start to slack off. You, being the smart dad, will keep documenting her behavior and will take her back for parenting modification when it starts to affect the kids.

She will hang herself, just let her. Don't hide who she is from the kids. Plan of giving them the skills to cope with her.

Stop thinking she is a "different" person now, she is still the same. You now know who lives behind her mask she hid behind all of these years.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect this may be more of a question I should and will direct to my attorney, but since so many of you are at this point my "lay-attorneys," let me ask directly what you think. (And I know I've asked this or it's been discussed at different times.)

How bad does it look that my wife moved out--not once, but twice--leaving her children primarily in my care?

How much could this damn her? How much weight would you predict it would carry when it comes to elements of the final Settlement Agreement?

Just how much does she think she has going for her in her favor? What do you think her attorney might be telling her?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it depends on how dirty she gets.

I think you mentioned once that you both thought it would be a good idea for her to see other men? I think you posted that. Kind of a turn on?

Be prepared for her to bring that out in court and blame you. Imagine her saying, " I had to move out your honor. I just couldn't live with a man that wanted me to date other men." You see?

I'm sorry to say this because you seem like a really nice guy, but based on her actions and inability to take responsibility and blameshifting, I could see this getting reeeeally dirty.

Be prepared for her to lie.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that she is trying to prove in documentation that she is supermom. However you have plenty of proof to the contrary. You also know that if you give her enough rope she will hang herself she has multiple time before.

I do anticipate her dredging up any and all things of the past that may indicate that you were a bad spouse and dad. Be prepared to argue those things. I also think Mike has it partly right yes she may bring up the encouraged cuckhold thing make sure that your attorney knows about this and the terms that you two had agreed upon to have that as part of your relationship. It is not unheard of and is probably more common than you know. Don't be ashamed you were two consenting adults with agreed upon boundaries. She was the one that decided to have a long term relationship with one of these flings and that's when the lying started.

Just keep your var going every time you communicate and be civil only discuss kids and finances and now that you've filed keep that to a minimum. She will show her true colors sooner than later I bet. Hell she already did taking a sick I'd to a pregnant ladies house because she was too overwhelmed taking both of them to the dr. What kind of mom does that?!? See what I mean?

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8222 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btw - my post was in no way a judgment. It sounds to me like you're a good father and I hope you get what you want.

I just wanted to prepare you for what she may do in court if it gets ugly.

The natural inclination people have is that other people will tell the truth under oath. Nothing could be further from reality. People will lie their ass off.

For example, I have a friend who's a divorce lawyer. I asked him, "what's the worst question you've asked in deposition?" He said, "is it true you had sex with a dog?"

It may sound funny but I it's really sad that two people who once loved each other could be so cruel and dishonest. I really hope this doesn't happen in your case.

Good luck friend.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what is bothering me, though: for the last few weeks, she has suddenly been the "model mom," at least for her. Setting up 50/50 time sharing, calling them every night for goodnight, showering them with love when we exchange them...

Something is off. I can sense it. I know her so well.


I believe I warned of this then. She will now, upon the advice of counsel, become a version of Mother Theresa. Every action will involve some aspect of bettering the kids lives. It would not surprise me to see her offer some type of marital counseling "because we have to try for the kids". Be careful.

I think it's about the money. She knows very well that she can't realistically sustain 50/50 and hopes that once it's put into the Agreement, she won't have to pay as much CS and I will take up the slack, as I always have. (Getting the kids a day or so earlier here and there, filling in when she is called away at work, etc.)

Ding, ding ding.

Just keep your var going every time you communicate and be civil only discuss kids and finances and now that you've filed keep that to a minimum. She will show her true colors sooner than later I bet.

More crucial now than ever.

It may sound funny but I it's really sad that two people who once loved each other could be so cruel and dishonest. I really hope this doesn't happen in your case.

I also hope it doesn't happen, but you know her best. Just how vindictive can she be when thwarted in her desires?

Watch her closely. Protect yourself brother.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2722 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH worked full time, I was the primary caregiver. He thought he would get custody. The first atty he went to told him whoever is the primary caregiver is who is going to get custody.

My XH was livid! He's also stupid because he works long hours, there was no way he was going to be home to take care of children to get custody.

The main thing is that you want at your initial hearing to walk out of there with temp custody --- her with secondary. You can show the court you are available to take care of the children more than she is.. I've heard that that is like the most important hearing because they "kinda" base the final on the temporary, but I might be wrong.

Ask for everything for the children --- no overnights with boyfriends, etc. You might get it.

One thing I caution is that for a year I worried and got ready for a big fight. None of it happened. Our attorneys and the judge told both of us that it was better to solve everything before we saw the judge because his decision on everything would stand, and it was much cheaper NOT to go to trial. So we had these little meetings along the way to settle this issue and that issue.

My best friend told me to be very shrewd. I wanted custody of our children with final say in their lives. I wanted the house and not have to refinance it, because this is their HOME, I wanted alimony and child support and him to pay 75% of out of pocket medical and all the health insurance. My friend said, he wants the boat, the tools, the lawn furniture, bed, etc? Let him have them, but you get the children and the house. He wants the kids more? agree to overnight on his weekday visitation evening is what my friend suggested.( he has never exercised this).

I got what I wanted. He is waking up 9 months out and is pissed that I have everything, and he has her.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:55 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2059 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The most important thing I got was this:

The first right of refusal- if either party has to work or is not available, then the other party gets first choice if they want to watch the kids.

XH was the one pressing for it, but it has worked awesomely for me!!!!! Xh is supposed to have our children for the two weeks we are currently in. He has to ask ME if I want to watch them while he is at work!!!!! YAY the OW can't watch my children since I am available!!! I could have said no if I had plans. But,,,get this,,,, he left son with OW and went to work. I called him and told him I was getting the Sheriff if he did not bring my son to me by noon! He had to leave work and bring my child to me.

And there are no overnights with OW. If he had a decent girlfriend I might say ok,,,but this one I am afraid is going to try to seduce my sons...

Anyway, first right of refusal and no overnights with boyfriends (you never know WHO she is going to have in the future).


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2059 | Registered: Jan 2012
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my ex first got caught in his affair and he thought he actually wanted to be responsible parent he started this same shit.While he was doing the neighbor slut he would leave for the night without so much as a good night to our dd who cried at night cause daddy wasnt home.He didnt call either or ask if she was ok..nothing.When he thought he wanted custody,he started taking her places in public,taking pictures of them together and making sure he was there at bedtime.Then he moved out and lost interest.She sees him abouthalf of his visits and she gets one call a night for about 2 minutes...father of the fucking year... I wanted to edit this to add:I love being her mom and having her with me all the time...she is my world

[This message edited by ideservebetter45 at 1:33 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 151 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

I do anticipate her dredging up any and all things of the past that may indicate that you were a bad spouse and dad

Back when I was doing the humiliating "But you did love me" dance in a stupid attempt to correct her marital-rewriting (She was so unhappy with me, i was a terrible husband/father), I assembled a stack of love notes and sentimental cards that detailed with ardor and at length just the opposite--she couldn't have asked for a more wonderful, supportive husband and amazing father...

(I just perused these; it pains me terribly to read them.)

Now I am thinking that perhaps these might have some legal merit at least in refuting her possible "woe is me, I had to leave this terrible man and go to another" nonsense that she could spew?

Oh, and these declarations of love predate the affair and some were penned DURING the affair!

Thoughts?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask your attorney if those are really of any help. Just like we always say here actions speak louder than words. I would back those notes and cards up with behaviors an actions by you at the time they were written to show your undying love and commitment to your family.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8222 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I just want to say that it is sooo clear that your number # 1 priority is your kiddos!! Stay the course and in the future your children will realize that YOU were the parent that put them first!! All. the best, Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
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