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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change the locks.

Please. For yours and the kids' sakes...

Stupid b**** - did that in front of the kids...she is not only a few fries short of a Happy Meal, she's a special kind of cruel.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If for some reason you are not permitted to change the locks, you CAN put a chain or some sort of "extra security" lock so she can't just waltz in...

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 10:51 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5086 | Registered: May 2007
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, add deadbolts that you use any time you are in the house.

What a selfish bitch


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

She texted me back and of course twisted it around to make it MY fault:
"if you had been ready for them then I wouldn't have had to come in."

HAD to come in??

Ready for them? It was 6:30 AM, they have no school or anything, so what would I need to be "ready" for? They came in and hopped into bed with me. She decided to follow them in and get on the bed. To snuggle the dogs. Right.

NPD idiot. No responsibility for ANYthing.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She had absolutely no right to just walk into your bedroom.

But, I think next time I would be up and ready for them. I wouldn't want her to say something like, "Well I dropped the kids off and he was still asleep in bed." She seems like the type to spin it back on you to make you look bad.

And just for my own curiosity, why 6:30am? That seems a bit early to me but maybe that is because my kids are on a different schedule.


**edit for grammar.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 12:55 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like she employed the old surprise attack. Of course you wouldn't be ready. At 6:30am, who would be???

Have you thought about getting a smaller mattress, just one big enough for the people that matter?

Deadbolts or chain are a great idea and a cheap fix in the long run, then she can't accuse you of changing the locks, you just added some for security.

Be proud you can recognize her games so much faster than before.

I wonder what her AP would think of this, her climbing in to bed with you. Too bad he will never know......


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you need to be awake and answer the door. I would not drop my kids off to a house that I didn't see the adult.

Note, I will knock until they come to the door, I wouldn't crawl into bed with them if they didn't answer the door

[This message edited by million pieces at 1:55 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to talk to your attorney about implementing a set pick-up/drop off time.

I'd still put a chain/deadbolt on. Just to piss her the F off.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 3:03 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5086 | Registered: May 2007
phillygirl
♀ Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, she did that on purpose.

Who wakes their kids up that early for a non emergency droop off?

If she just HAD to drop them off, she could have called first, or rang the door bell, or shouted up the stairs.

She's pulling out all the stops.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 826 | Registered: Dec 2005
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD idiot. No responsibility for ANYthing.

Who are you? Wow, do realize just how far you have progressed?

FREAKING AWESOME!!!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3022 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe she thinks of it as a game. She is honestly completely clueless and careless that her actions affect anyone else. It's just more selfishness. She felt like coming in. So she did. She felt like lazing on the bed. So she did. She wanted to have an affair. So she did. That is the extent of the complexity of her thinking.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing the slow clap for you over here, AD. Seriously - you have made SO much progress!


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
mrmaximum
♂ Member
Member # 15965
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kudos to you Abbandad, way to show some crazy strength in the face of breached boundaries. Now, on to this;

Sounds like she employed the old surprise attack. Of course you wouldn't be ready. At 6:30am, who would be???

Yeah, she did that on purpose.
Who wakes their kids up that early for a non emergency droop off?
If she just HAD to drop them off, she could have called first, or rang the door bell, or shouted up the stairs.
She's pulling out all the stops.


I agree with Standingonmarble and Phillygirl. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was trying to hoover you again, this time with a brazen attempt to pull on your heartstrings with an ‘image’ of the family unit all reunited. As a betting man, I’d wager that she wanted to see a blubbering text from you asking why she was still doing this, and why couldn’t you all be a family again.

Your text was exemplary, she’s losing control and she isn’t happy about it whatsoever.

I’m applauding you right now my man, keep up the good work. Remember one very important thing okay? We all believe that Superheroes have flashy costumes and super powers, but sometimes the strongest, most amazing people are the ones we see every day. You are your children’s safe place, and you are weathering a huge storm right now even if at times you feel like your losing ground.

Take care big guy!!


You do not destroy the ones you love!!!
Best quote EVAR;
"Lose the battle, win the war" EZ4U

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Georgetown
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


But, I think next time I would be up and ready for them. I wouldn't want her to say something like, "Well I dropped the kids off and he was still asleep in bed." She seems like the type to spin it back on you to make you look bad.

And just for my own curiosity, why 6:30am? That seems a bit early to me but maybe that is because my kids are on a different schedule.

I knew she was bringing them early (she was on her way to work), but so what. She knew I would still be in bed. I can't tell you the literally hundreds of times she lazed in bed while I took the kids out--and then once we separated, more often than not when I came to get them (note: she never brought them to me) she was still sleeping. And we're talking eight, nine o'clock. Not six thirty.

What this is is part of her whole attempt to justify 50/50 custody. I can't stress enough how freakishly unusual it is for her to get up so early and bring them to me--and then criticize me for not "being ready."

The "real" part of her is the coming inside and plopping on the bed. She is simply a child in way over her head--trying to be conniving but at the same time a slave to her usual thoughtless whims.

It is bitterly hilarious that she has no idea how transparent it all is, how well I know her.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that is the boundary you put up now. Do not argue that she entered the house, as I agree with others, I wouldn't want to leave without seeing an adult either, but the fact that she is NOT to enter your bedroom ever again. She may come in the entry way, and send the kids to get you. She is not welcome to have free run of the house. Period. Don't get emotional, just state the boundary.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5541 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad,

I'm sorry. I hope my comment didn't come off rude. At 6:30am I would definitely still be in bed. At least until school rolls around in the next few weeks.

I guess the reason I was asking about the early schedule is because I'm worried that my STBXWH is going to try to push for 50/50 custody. He has threatened it twice because he thinks he won't have to pay as much, if any, support. The only way he can manage this is if he drops the kids off with me by 6:30am. That means waking them up no later than 5:30am and getting everyone ready. This man would sleep through his alarms and then race around to get ready in 10 mins to make it to work on time. I just don't see how it can work but I fear he will try just to stick it to me.

Sorry for the thread jack.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
FirstLoveGone
♀ Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew she was bringing them early (she was on her way to work), but so what. She knew I would still be in bed. I can't tell you the literally hundreds of times she lazed in bed while I took the kids out--and then once we separated, more often than not when I came to get them (note: she never brought them to me) she was still sleeping.

You need to operate as divorced parents. You both are hurting the kids by not doing so. If you knew she was coming early then you should have been awake and up for them. You need to open the front door for her and not allow her to just open the door on her own to drop them off.

These loose boundaries are confusing for the kids. It's time to start acting like you are divorced.


Posts: 1274 | Registered: Oct 2009
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The minute she entered your bedroom, you should have gotten out of bed and led everyone out of your room. There would have been no opportunity for her to cuddle the dogs and make herself at home. You can't just watch these things unfold. You have to be active in protecting not only yourself but the children. The children would have followed your lead. You would have been reinforcing that you are a separated couple and their lives have changed. Be proactive instead of reactive to her behaviors. You'll do better next time. You don't let her move in to hug you like a previous time, nor to enter your bedroom ever again. You take action, end of story.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is honestly completely clueless and careless that her actions affect anyone else.

Please consider that she may have done this on purpose. Not sure if it was just meant to mess with your head or if she was trying to make you sentimental for the old days in order to soften you up for the divorce process. But getting into bed with the guy who's divorcing you? I don't care if the kids and the dog are there too. This goes beyond clueless.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not clueless.

She is manipulative and cunning.

I wonder what your kids thought..mom getting into bed with dad..acting as if she belonged there...knowing mom and dad are getting a divorce..and they have met the OM.

Think they might be a bit confused?

You knew she was coming over..and she has pulled this shit before. You need to stop allowing this. Yes..YOU. Honestly..I think a small part of you was glad that she did that.

Change the locks. WHY does she even have a key?? She does not live there...papers have been filed. She shouldn't have a key to your home.

Stop allowing your heart to put you in these situations. Your head knows better.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7741 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the reason I was asking about the early schedule is because I'm worried that my STBXWH is going to try to push for 50/50 custody. He has threatened it twice because he thinks he won't have to pay as much, if any, support. The only way he can manage this is if he drops the kids off with me by 6:30am. That means waking them up no later than 5:30am and getting everyone ready. This man would sleep through his alarms and then race around to get ready in 10 mins to make it to work on time. I just don't see how it can work but I fear he will try just to stick it to me.

Hangingon,

Yes, this is just what I was trying to convey. Like your WH, my WW is jockeying for 50/50 by suddenly becoming responsible--a role that is very new to her. I am sure her attorney has advised her to start being the parent she would need to be in a 50/50 situation.

Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt (as another poster suggested) and consider that maybe she finally DOES realize that she needs to be a better mom, the problem is this will not last. She can't sustain it.

So if she does get 50/50, she will slip into her old ways--late for pick-ups, last-minute calls to work, etc.--so it will end up with me taking her to court (?) to request a revision.

I just am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be granted majority time based on these:

- She left the marital home twice, leaving the kids with me
- I have always been the primary caregiver, spending the vast majority of the time with the kids
- Over the past year she has been consistently late with pick ups, and simply has not spent 50% of the to e with them

Oh, and again, I am convinced that a significant reason she is going for 50/50 is to lower/avoid child support. Reprehensible, as she makes over 100k and I make 60k.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:26 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1643 | Registered: Dec 2012
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