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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone.

I really am extremely upset today at her claims. I guess it's a delayed reaction. Yesterday I was stunned and angry.

Today I am tearful that she would outright lie. I guess I should not be surprised, since she has demonstrated herself to be a liar--which of course is part of the reason for the divorce.

But it feels like yet another betrayal. I wonder if she is simply reacting to my having filed--coming up, in desperation, with whatever lame defense she can--or if she actually has deluded herself into believing the lies.

Very depresssing.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, months after we had finalized our MSA, while he was happily with his OW, I found an online blog where he said some AWFUL things about me. How I caused the end of our marriage, and took him to the cleaners, how I left him with so much debt he would never climb out if the nice people of the internet would please help him pay it off so he would stick it to his bitch of a wife. None of it was true. I felt sick. But you know what? I put it in my back pocket and used it down the line, and boy, was he shocked I had seen it. He also knew, by that point, what he had written was pure bull.

They can't dare take the blame and speak the truth Dad. That would mean admitting that their affair was wrong! That perhaps the spouse they left in the dirt wasn't that bad! It can't be! It would smudge their beautiful lives if they were actually to blame for their actions.

Don't let it drag you down. Know it's part of the game. Trust your lawyer to put her in her place and protect you and your kids.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5492 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning I would get so angry when the Dooosh lied ( which happened to be just about anytime his mouth was moving...)

It would make me so furious, and the. I would spout off a rebuttal and reiterate the truth, blah blah blah. In the end, it truly does not matter because the truth always has a way of coming out!

The Dooosh brought a "pastor" to my petition for a protective order hearing. He doesn't believe in God, mocks church-goers, and finds the whole worship "thing" ridiculous. But he figured a "pastor" would look good on the stand, no?

Unfortunately, he had misrepresented the situation to this pastor. So during his testimony my attorney was able to make the pastor look like an idiot. He basically told the judge his opinion of a man who puts his hands on his wife would not be good. He believed the Dooosh to be a good man. Minutes before, my ex had already admitted to putting his hands on me during the incident- but the pastor wasn't allowed to hear that.

Ehhh.... Boom. Dooosh had clearly lied to the pastor, and the truth came out.

Hang in there. You do not have to fire back with the truth. Not to her anyway. NC. NC. NC.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3585 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or if she actually has deluded herself into believing the lies.

In most cases, especially the way you have described STBXWW, this is actually the case. She'll argue that position til the day she dies. You have perpetrated a grave injustice upon her. How dare you bring reality into her idealized land of skittle shitting unicorns. Don't you realize that she is Wonder Woman, Mother Theresa, The Virgin Mary and Linda Lovelace all wrapped into her own perfect self?

Has she EVER really admitted she was wrong for anything? I don't mean superficial apologies? "Oops sorry" doesn't cut the mustard. I mean a deep down apology that engendered a change in her behaviors or lifestyle. Back to NPD/borderline PD.

It will be a long drawn out process. Your lawyer seems to see this, hence the permission to hit hard. Don't fall into those communications that you seem to slip into with her. EVERYTHING text, E-mail or witnessed by someone willing to testify. Speaking of, have you approached that neighbor? Get a deposition before STBXWW gets a hold of them w/threats or coercion.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I am tearful that she would outright lie. I guess I should not be surprised, since she has demonstrated herself to be a liar--which of course is part of the reason for the divorce.
But it feels like yet another betrayal.
It feels like another betrayal, because it is. And here's the thing. It's a betrayal because you are still connected emotionally to her. I'm not dinging you for that - truly. It's just a fact of where you are in the process. The "give a damn" muscles have not fully atrophied yet. Time and distance, AD. Time and distance.
I wonder if she is simply reacting to my having filed--coming up, in desperation, with whatever lame defense she can--or if she actually has deluded herself into believing the lies.
There will come a day, not too far off in the distance, when you WON'T wonder. When you won't care why she lied. It will just be a fact - like the sky is blue and mud is dirty. And that is when you will know that the connection is gone.

((((AD))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25362 | Registered: Aug 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may not even go to court. Don't do like I did for a year of my life,,, live for the hearing that never happened.


In the end, WH did not want to go to court and see Adultery listed as divorce reason, didnt want OW involved, so I got much of what I wanted -- Including no overnights with lovers! LOL I recently enforced that.

Main reason to go after her hard is that after the D if you want to give her more time, etc it's your call depending who the flavor of the month is for her....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2128 | Registered: Jan 2012
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing to remember about liars, you always know they are lying when their mouth is moving. That takes all the guesswork out of it for you...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1111 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has she EVER really admitted she was wrong for anything? I don't mean superficial apologies? "Oops sorry" doesn't cut the mustard. I mean a deep down apology that engendered a change in her behaviors or lifestyle. Back to NPD/borderline PD.

Creepy to think about it, but no. Never. Simply never. Forget about the affair--which of course was my fault--but even in superficial ways. Never an ounce of responsibility.

It will be a long drawn out process. Your lawyer seems to see this, hence the permission to hit hard. Don't fall into those communications that you seem to slip into with her. EVERYTHING text, E-mail or witnessed by someone willing to testify. Speaking of, have you approached that neighbor? Get a deposition before STBXWW gets a hold of them w/threats or coercion.

Yes, I immediately contacted my law enforcement neighbors giving them a heads up. They assured me that I can count on them if/when they are needed. They have witnessed some of her irresponsible behavior (as well as my behavior as a parent for years) and are armed and ready.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There will come a day, not too far off in the distance, when you WON'T wonder. When you won't care why she lied. It will just be a fact - like the sky is blue and mud is dirty. And that is when you will know that the connection is gone.

Thank you for this, NIK. I long for that day. And I know it is not too far off. My prediction is,that it will come rather abruptly after the "legal dust" settles (after the divorce is over and I can breathe more easily with the laws and settlement in place).

And every time she is awful to me--which is more and more frequent, as I have not posted everything that has been transpiring of late--I detach more and more.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, dad. I just can't believe how similar our stories are. I'm a few months ahead of you legal-wise, but man, you are experiencing a lot of the same NPD/PD antics that I have.

And you can prove all of that to be false,right?

Of course! Absolutely! That's why it is so bizarre. She just SAYS shit, whether it is patently or proveably false or not.

I can prove tons of his lies false when it comes to the money, the house, the kids, etc., since I was very strict about NO face-to-face contact or phone calls. All his lies (that were under oath) can be proven false by his own words in texts and emails. This is why I was so very adamant to you in your last few threads that you start doing this, getting it all in writing. She must have admitted somewhere in a text or email that the move was her choice..

To give you an example of what I've been through lately, the lie my STBX has recently been spreading is that I had an abortion near the beginning of our relationship, which is complete bullshit!! I remember him telling me early in our relationship that his former girlfriend had one, but now he is telling everyone it was me!! His stupid OW has been texting me lately, calling my "baby killer" at every chance she gets.

I very much want to take NIK's advice and not give a damn, but I don't want some people thinking this of me. I'm mostly pro-choice (except for partial birth abortion), and it's not like any of this would affect anything anymore, but dammnit, I hate that he is spreading lies about me!! I really need to break my give-a-damn button, but this one sucks..

I'm glad you are able to prove her lies false at this point, but I would just warn you that she may spread more lies and rumors that you have no way to prove one way or the other, and it sucks. I swear, these people have no soul..

Big hugs to you bro. This sucks, but I will continue to hope that the craziness ends sooner than later for both of us..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting started on my Mandatory Financial Disclosures. Good god! This will take some real time to complete. Last three years? Last three months? Deed? Marriage license? I cannot imagine my STBXWW completing this on her side. I am certain she will pester me for help, against all logic. I have handled all our finances. She didn't even know at what bank we had our savings.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, this explains some of the WWs recent fury, I.e., her snarling the other day, "You may NOT throw things out that I may want to keep."

I had put out our katuba (sort of a Jewish prenup :-) in the garage near the garbage. I see that it had been moved by her, presumably on that same day.

Since she has broken every "commandment" on it and hates me, not sure why she would want it.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, you know a ketubah is NOT a Jewish "pre-nup" but a full contract of marriage. Please do not disparage it in that manner. That being said, if your STBXW requests a "get", are you going to give it to her? I wouldn't think she'd be concerned about remarrying in the faith,given her adultery; but if you don't grant her a get, she would be agunah after the D if you don't give her a get. (Not that she deserves it).


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You may NOT throw things out that I may want to keep."

You need to be firm that you aren't going to be her unpaid storage facility. She took what she desired to her new place and made it the home she wants it to be.

You need to tell her that by such-and-such date she needs to have everything out that she wants, and that you agree to, or you are considering it abandoned.

Change your locks!!!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not disparage it in that manner. That being said, if your STBXW requests a "get", are you going to give it to her?

I apologize. I didn't mean to be glib or disrespectful. It's a sore spot with me, as she broke everything in our ketubah which hung above our bed for ten years and which clearly meant less than nothing to her.

She will not request a get; her faith is hollow and superficial. If she suddenly reclaims her faith just as she has mysteriously reclaimed her motherhood, if will be short lived; I seriously doubt she will ask for a get.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

Tomorrow is our scheduled trade off for the weekend. This is what I texted my WW this morning at nine-thirty:

Hi. According to our schedule you have the children tomorrow (Saturday) until Monday. Please confirm. I can bring them to you tomorrow morning. Let me know what I should pack.

She has still not responded. I know she has read my text, as she called the children before.

My friend (who is going through a similar situation) advises me to take a "tough" approach, emailing her telling her at exactly what time I WILL be dropping them off, to be ready for them, or I will assume she cannot take them.

(She also believes that my WW will be given 50/50 regardless of what I do.)

I feel that this would conflict with the collective advice I have been getting here, which seems to be that I should "give her her rope" and keep the kids for as long as possible--and of course to document.

So I am a bit confused. I guess the bottom line is that we should not have left it "open." That is, no time was ever discussed.

Please advise!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop sweating the small stuff AD.
Seriously, about tomorrow, do you have plans? If not then make sure you document that you have them if she doesn't take them.
Do send her a text, and email right now, stating I need a response about tomorrow. What time would you like me to drop them off? If you are unable to take them I need to know ASAP.
I will assume if you do not respond to by 7pm as you did not respond to this same request this am, that you are unable to take them, and I will not be bringing them to you, and will make plans with them.

Dont worry what your friend says. You can't live your life on suppositions. It is truly crazy making.

Even if she does get 50/50 it won't last. You will be able to go back in 6 months with the proof of all her failed times that she was to have them, and rewrite that portion of the D decree.

Deep breaths.....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8509 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do like the set times. In e-mail. If the current visitation schedule is 60-40, the burden will fall upon her to prove why a change would be beneficial for the children.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I texted to her the following. Still haven't heard back, as I am sure she is apoplectic that I would dare buck her like this.

(I don't know if this is a mistake, but it is honest and I feel I have to start taking control and not letting her dictate to me.)

6:00 PM

Me: I asked for a confirmation this morning and still have received none. They will be ready to be dropped off at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning. The trade offs cannot be open-ended but carried out according to specific times. Otherwise it is confusing to the kids, who want to know "when" they will be with you tomorrow. Please confirm. Thanks.

STBXWW: 4:00 pm tomorrow

Me: Hi. We agreed that you have the children this weekend beginning Saturday, until Monday, when you will be dropping them off at the bus stop. I will therefore will be dropping them off at your place in the morning as i made plans for this weekend at the time we arranged for this weekend.

I can move it to as late as 10:00 AM if this would be easier for you. Should this prove to be unacceptable for you, I will inform my attorney that you are not able to handle the children even 50 percent of the time as your actions are stating.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Just ask are you telling me you are unable to take the kids as previously agreed upon? Let her say yes. And be done. Then you have documented and she has admitted to failing.

I know it's tempting to rub her face in it but it really doesn't do anyone any good.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8509 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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