And then either go silent or ...
Actions speak louder than words, and you really cannot affect what she thinks or feels with talking or texts. I suggest getting an early start on the going silent part.
If you cannot lose your phone to ignore her, assign a really unobtrusive and quiet ring tone to her calls and texts.
I will ignore these sorts of questions and demands. My refusal to engage will enrage her and elicit all sorts of threats, but so be it. It is utterly out of character for me--as she well knows--so it is a struggle, but I will win against this part of myself. I won't be bullied any more.
(They say the "best/worst" thing you can do to an NPD is ignore her.)
Also, I believe the reason she doesn't want the mediators, etc is because they are reality. When no one else is involved, she controls the situation and can lead you around, and she never has to see her actions under a spotlight in front of unbiased people. It is her denial. Sit back and let reality hit her really hard. You are not being "unfair", you are being real.
Exactly!! Perfectly expressed.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Your priorities start to naturally realign to what they used to be and what they should be going forward once the craziness is out of your life. Keep ignoring her and watch how things slowly start to come together without much effort on your part. It just goes to show you that THEY were the problem all along.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:58 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
NC is so hard to really start. I think it's probably as hard as stopping smoking cigarettes.
You just have to go cold turkey and deal with the jitters, not by responding, but by substituting alternate behaviors.
NC is your friend. You really do not have to respond. Really, you do not have to respond. Honestly, you can not respond!!!!!
Be strong. Crickets!
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
Keep up the great work of NC.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
I'm sorry but I like this visual & I bet it's pretty accurate but prollly worse.
Remember those crazy days when you were insane with fear etc & wanted/needed a response? And you got? Not to say, do as she does, but don't forget that agony & don't respond to her. Lawyer up. Pick up & drop off of kids only, right now.
Believe it or not, you are commanding she show respect for you & you are respecting yourself not to engage in the mire your wife has made of the marriage.
In mourning the loss if your marriage, it is proper & correct. You do have to go through what you have to go through. You are a high achiever, I can tell. When you hit your stride with this, you will scramble to heal well & you will.
Pailful watching children grow & do kids things by yourself. Im sorry. Big hugs to you. You take the time to
watch. You are a fabulous dad. You will come to terms with this too because you have to. You are a fabulous dad.
Hang in there! Fake it till you make it! Big hugs! Duffy1958
My STBXWW is coming over to take the kids. We MUST spend some time together to do some stuff in the house. It can't be done via email or text.
I know she will start in with her demands about mediation, 50/50, and all that. I do NOT want to engage, obviously. It is crucial that she not know that I have filed. (Her d-day will likely be Wednesday.)
If she starts in, any advice? "I don't want to talk about it?"
Silence, then walk away?
Sorry I still sound like a clueless wuss, but I need guidance in such specific situations.
(Yes I will be VARing)
Silence and walking away won't work..she'll follow you..she will be relentless.
I don't know what you "must" do with her at the house..true. But..really? This isn't her house anymore. You need to stop doing things together. It causes you more pain and it's confusing the Hell out of those kids.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
The best option is to have the kids outside ready and waiting for her, hand them off, and not let her in the house at all. If you've had the locks changed, then walk the kids out with the door locked behind you, and leave as soon as you hand over the kids.
Barring that ideal situation, have a couple other people there. Make sure that they know not to give you and the stbxww any privacy. That way she's less likely to try to start any bullshit or serious discussion of terms. If she does try to start anything, simply say that "this is not the time to discuss these things." If she pulls the emotional/manipulative crap, then the reply is "I'm sorry you feel that way." Keep saying it until she gets the message. Simply stonewall her.
Do not engage.
[This message edited by rivenheart at 8:46 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
have a couple other people there. Make sure that they know not to give you and the stbxww any privacy. That way she's less likely to try to start any bullshit or serious discussion of terms. If she does try to start anything, simply say that "this is not the time to discuss these things."
Just wondering if there isn't an emergency that could have you needing to leave town.
As to your lawyer asking for the world, that's a standard operating tactic. The likelihood of you getting everything she's asking is slim to none. It's why I suggested a wants vs needs list.
Discuss nothing with her regarding your relationship or the impending D. Your standard answer could be "now is not the time". Fill the time between now and Weds with cool, interesting things that will have the children tired and needing bed. You need to be too distracted to talk.
You're still on the right track. Chugging along on all cylinders.
Just one question, what the heck is so important at the house that it needs to be done now? For the life of me, I can't imagine a scenario that would require both of you there.
STBX POS has tried to scare the kids, telling them the cops shouldn't be there. I told my kids the cops are there to protect us. And guess what kids? You know who is scared of the police? CRIMINALS.
I think this is a good example of her trying to negotiate with you without lawyers or a mediator. She wants to dick you around without anyone watching, just as my STBX did.. F that dad..
And I can't imagine a scenario where you have to let her in the house, but fine, I would say only if you VAR and have multiple other people there. STBX tried to get me alone after we separated, and I absolutely refused. He can throw all the hissy fits he wants. I am NOT subjecting myself to his manipulation anymore. NEVERMORE!!
VAR will be on.
I will let you know how it goes. Again, the next time we must meet she will have been served. Then the real fun begins.
There is nothing wrong or abnormal about your responses. They are correct for the situation. Is there a part that still wants to save her from the bad choices she is making? It's a very normal response, if you love someone. Sometime you have to let people make their own mistakes. It's very hurtful to watch. It will happen with your kids one day, (sigh)
The role of "watching" instead of taking care of the problems is excruciating, I think.
Now you have decisions you had to make, you didn't want. It's a gut wrenching time. There is a lot of sadness & grief involved in a divorce. Not something you can get around or avoid but you have to go through it. It sucks balls.
You know that poem about "Footprints in the Sand"? The end is Jesus said when there was only 1 set of footprints I carried you? My poem would be "Skid Marks in the Sand" Can you relate? I'm sorry. We are hard headed people but just as it can be a weakness it is surely a great strength of mine. You? Prolly?
Hang in there. Somewhere, find the strength to be glad she will be getting hit with a 2X4 of "reality" on Wednesday. She needs this wake up call. Your children need for her to have this wake up call. She is not dealing in reality & she needs to for the sake of your kids. It's like slapping someone who is hysterical.
You are getting through this. As painful as it is. You are making it. There is a natural progression & you are fixing to turn a corner to reclaiming your life. Not the life you had planned but the new life you must build. You will also be reclaiming your self respect. It's going to feel good. That part. Don't neglect that part though. It's very important to the new life. The STBX is going to be shocked & probably use your name in vain like never before. She is also going to recognize you have a strength she didn't realize you had. To defy her & all. Don't be surprised if she doesn't call, text, email & come over. Please, please, please. Do not make yourself available for ANY response. Your response now is "the lawyers need to deal with this" Lawyer up. Write it on the bathroom mirror. Not kidding. I do many things to help myself succeed.
You aren't sitting, waiting for life to happen but you are enduring a very painful time. You are working towards the goal of recovering from this. Hang in there. Duffy1958
I stayed outside, she insisted haughtily that we talk about what's going on with her job. I told her to just Email me. She said no, we need to talk. I said, No, just email me. And I drove off. She looked stunned.
Texted me after that I am "impeding communication" and again insisted we talk. I have not responded.
There is nothing to talk about as far as I'm concerned. It would consist as always of her telling me what she wants and me daring to disagree, and it would go on from there. Same old ground.