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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS & AD, Cosmic justice does indeed call for a balancing of the scales. However, it has been my experience that rather than epiphany about themselves, all the blame will be placed squarely on your shoulders.

One of the most *endearing* traits of a narcissist is the complete and total inability to accept blame. After all, they are *perfect*. It HAS to be your fault for them to continue to live in the land of skittle farting unicorns.

My DS23 was home a couple of weeks ago. He stopped by after visiting his mother. Evidently something he did or said pissed her off because she called him an asshole "just like your dad is". Mind you we've been divorced 20 years. I haven't seen nor talked to her in over 6 months, yet her fury with me for daring to stand up to her continues unabated. Nice comment to your own son, not?

DETACH! Don't Ever Try And Change Her. It's an effort in futility.

AD, this is why I fear that her escalation will probably include a false DV charge at some point. She is desperately trying to hold her version of the world together. Her biggest obstacle is you. If she can't get you to roll over and accept her proposals, she may resort to *force*. I don't mean her becoming physical with you either.

You've already had a taste if memory serves. I believe she has already made mention of the fact that she thinks you may be a danger to the kids. Obviously, not true or why would she leave them in your care. My point is merely that she is setting the groundwork in her own mind for you to fit into her delusion. Once she starts to believe, it will be time to try and convince others. Friends, neighbors and family first. Then onto DHS and quite possibly law enforcement.

I can't stress enough that you protect yourself in every contact with her. Best would be to have a witness there each and every time. Second best, VAR.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe she has already made mention of the fact that she thinks you may be a danger to the kids.

You have a good memory, 545. Indeed this is something that I will never forget and was a crucial reason I had to divorce. It was shocking and frightening when she insinuated this--and more so given the fact that a mere three hours before she was being loving to me (while I was in the hospital having vomited blood from the stress).

Witnesses? Absolutely. She told two of our neighbors this on that night--a night, I might add, that she never came home to "rescue" her "endangered" children from me.

These witnesses--one of whom includes a cop--have had my back since the beginning, and have told me they will be glad to testify or submit a deposition in my favor if necessary.

I feel protected by both fact and supporters, but I absolutely put nothing past her, as her behavior is becoming more and more erratic. (BTW, "erratic" is her choice of word to describe me when I became angry or emotional because she was having an affair in my face and destroying our family.)

Thanks for your support. I have my VAR at all times.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my VAR at all times.
SO very glad to read that, AD.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, but it is illegal to record someone (in this state) without their permission. Thus it's not permissible in court, should it come to that.

In any case I like to keep it on for myself if nothing else. It keeps me grounded and measured in my responses and interaction.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you imagine she will look back on this in a couple of years time, when it is all over and done with and the dust has settled, and she will be ashamed of her behaviour?
I am well over 3 years out. And no, there is no shame or remorse. To permit these would be absolutely intolerable, emotionally.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS called in tears from WWs. Wants to be picked up. She said "it's on daddy if he wants to."

I am too far from her place to get him. It would be bedtime by the time I could make it.

WW gets on the phone and tears into me again about going through lawyers. Wants to return to mediation. She went off on me: "I canNOT believe you are asking for more than 50%. If you continue with this, just remember this conversation. Remember it. Because you will regret this."

I stayed completely silent during her entire rant. When she finished she commented on my silence angrily.

Finally I said, "I will discuss the children's schedule and their immediate needs. That's it."

She became furious and started in again with the "You'll regret tis, best interest of the children, etc."

Me: "Again, I will discuss only their schedule and immediate needs. I will not be dragged into a discussion about anything else. Otherwise I will hang up."

She starts again.

Me: "I am hanging up now."

And I hung up.

No, I don't feel empowered or anything at this moment. I feel very upset at the behavior of this nasty, threatening vitriolic stranger.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to your lawyer, but I'd tell her next time that she rants and threatens you on the phone that you will be taping her outbursts from now on.

And tape that call and all subsequent calls and visits. She'll probably won't realize you'll actually DO it. And if she doesn't protest, you've got her tacit permission. But talk your attorney first.

If this won't work, only communicate with her through emails.

Email her - and cc your attorney - stating: "as mentioned many times before I will not be bullied, abused and subjected toward your angry outbursts any longer. When dear children call, I will no longer be speaking to you but only to them. Other than emergencies all communication between you and I will henceforce be done with email only.

I'd add "If continued I will seek a order of protection" - but that's just me.

When she gets on the phone and starts to talk about anything other than the kids, tell her to take it to your attorney and hang up. Immediately. Just do it.

And still tape all phone calls and interactions.

I would also provide my kids a cell phone, then they can call you from her house without involving her.

Good Luck!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2786 | Registered: Feb 2006
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you got that phone call on tape. I'd be playing that call to my lawyer tomorrow and tell him that I will be no longer sending my children to STBXWW and her lover and DS does NOT want to be there, and she wouldn't bering him back to you.

Can you still go get him?

Hugs!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2786 | Registered: Feb 2006
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Justdone.

I can't get him at this point.

WW just texted me that DS is fine and happy. A chipper-toned text. Bizarre how her tone can change on a dime. I'm sure sweetness will follow, which will in turn revert back to poison and threats. NPD. Exhausting.

I couldn't tape the diatribe as I was in a public place.

DS does have a phone. She took it from him to speak to me.

Wrote a report of this and sent to my lawyer.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its a chipper situation now so she can look like she came to the rescue.

You did great, defining your limits and sticking to them. She is trying to maneuver her side of it for the court. No doubt about it. She is also trying to mess with your kids head and make them doubt their reliance on you. Did you get the book Divorce Poison yet? Subtle things she keeps doing to plant the seeds of PAS in the kids.

She is spitting mad too that she has lost her hold over you. hence the threats. Record her , if for nothing else then to prove to people (when you might have to), just how she really is.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there, just wanted to say how sorry I am your DS had a hard time and felt sad enough to want to come home. I really understand that. Its a very hard position to be in.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - The only thing that I would add to this, is the very next time she calls and pulls this shit, I would ask to speak directly with your son. She does not need to be involved. He does need to hear directly from you, why you aren't coming, instead of hearing whatever BS she is telling him.
I can just imagine her saying " Your dad says he's too busy to come get you" "See he doesn't love you as much as I do". Seriously. I'm not so much concerned about the D stuff, but the damage she is doing to your son. He is old enough to discuss this with you. Tell him the next time he is at moms, and wants to leave to text you, to not have mom call.

I seem to remember seeing that she wanted you to take the kids Monday night, or Tuesday am, so that she was not repsonsible for getting them to school. Is this whole thing just a bunch of crazy nonesense and her trying to manipulate you to get her way still?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you imagine she will look back on this in a couple of years time, when it is all over and done with and the dust has settled, and she will be ashamed of her behaviour?

The best part about the answer to this question is in a couple of years YOU won't give a damn whether your WS is or ever was ashamed because YOU will have moved on and will be in a MUCH better place. It sucks while you are in the storm but once you are out it gets better and YOU move forward and whether they ever do or not truly does become irrelevant.

I was one of those guys that took a LONG time to detach but when I did I found I didn't give a crap about what my STBXWW was thinking or doing or whether she ever felt shame, regret, remorse, or anything else. Keep detaching and you will get there as well.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, but it is illegal to record someone (in this state) without their permission. Thus it's not permissible in court, should it come to that.
In any case I like to keep it on for myself if nothing else. It keeps me grounded and measured in my responses and interaction.

Check with your lawyer as to the legality of taping yourself. As you state, it's a way of keeping yourself grounded. Would it be admissible if only your side of the convo was presented into evidence? Just a thought.

If it comes to a false DV charge vs an illegal recording, I'm pretty sure I know which way I would want to go.

I realize that you cannot, in every circumstance, control her conversations, but do continue to try to get her on/in e-mail/text threatening you in one breath and appeasing you the next. The evidence will be damning.

Keep up with the good work.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Does anyone know of a good app that converts iphone chat texts to email?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
Beyond
♀ Member
Member # 3011
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chiming in quickly on the taping issue: Like 545 said, definitely check with your attorney.

Some states require that only ONE of the parties (not both...) grant permission for a recording. In this case, you would give yourself "permission" to be recorded; WW might not have to...Do check!!

And good luck!

[end of public service announcement]

-Beyond


XOW.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Virginia
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

check out investigative section,, there might be someone there who knows...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone, for keeping up with my now-daily drama.

Is this whole thing just a bunch of crazy nonesense and her trying to manipulate you to get her way still?

It may very well have been, I don't know. I know that it was very important to her that I pick up the kids from her place this morning and drive them across town to the bus stop. And this is something I did indeed used to do before I found my testicular fortitude.

She had lashed into me again during last night's diatribe about this--I still stuck to my guns and calmly told her she must do it--so clearly her lack of control over me is driving her crazy.

The latest Crazy: I fled the house for work very early this morning so I would not cross paths with her when she dropped off the kids' medicine at the house.

I get a text from her later saying that the dogs were in distress and that their water dish was empty. She said that if I was not sleeping at home and cannot take care of the dogs, she will arrange for a dog sitter.

She is bothered by her assumption/suspicion that because I was not there so early I had not slept at home; i.e., I had slept at another woman's house.

Fiction. I did sleep at home. Always have. And she knows that our dogs are second only to our children.

So this is what she is currently reduced to: Implying that I am neglecting/abusing our dogs.

Saw my attorney today. Apparently WW and her attorney have done zero since being served. No documents submitted. I am sure my WW is not the best client, as she does what she wants to.

Anyway, motion has been filed for firm parenting schedule, temporary spousal support, CS and majority of overnights for me.

Also in the motion are details about her affair, which which took her away from
her parenting time over the past two years.

Ouch. She is going to go berserk.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't tell her. It's part of having consequences for behavior. It's living in the real world which she (and my XWH) need to do.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Jan 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, motion has been filed for firm parenting schedule, temporary spousal support, CS and majority of overnights for me.

Also in the motion are details about her affair, which which took her away from
her parenting time over the past two years.


What about getting exclusive use of the home? Don't forget this! You really do NOT want her being able to just barge in any time she takes a mind to.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6442 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
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