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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - I would meet with your Son's Psych, and let him know that the wheels of communication with your wife have fallen off, been burned, and slashed. Seriously. You as his parent legally have the right to know exactly what his take on your sons mental state is, and if he acts like it's some big ass deal to do, then you need to find a new psych. It's really quite simple.
I'm not sure I agree with not pushing your son. The whole point of him going is getting to a place where he can feel safe, and express his feelings, when he says he doesn't want to talk about it, what is your response? "Ok, well I'm here when you are ready" or is it "Can you tell me why you don't want to discuss this?"
Remember it's your job to make him feel safe, and comfortable. Always remind him that no matter what he is feeling, or thinking, that you love him, and he can tell you anything.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
KatieKat
Member
Member # 16690
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post much but I've been following your saga. I think your attorney needs to understand that mediation is a way for your soon-to-be-ex to stall.

You need temporary orders stat.

(hope you have all prescriptions at both homes now)

all the best to you


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2007
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey brother, hoping that no news is good news. is the hearing still set for tomorrow? it's time to bring some stability into your children's lives.

regarding that psychologists report, is this the same one who came slightly unhinged on you? I agree it is time to tell him that your soon to be ex just incapable of communicating with you in any meaningful way. if he is unable to send a duplicate copy to you directly, it's probably best that you find a different counselor.
the meeting she is very concerning to me.

strength especially tonight.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both of the counselors I've had for the kids have been adamant that they will openly share information with my STBX if he requests it. The first counselor STBX actually met with in a semi-confrontation (because he wanted to make sure I wasn't manipulating the sessions to falsely accuse him of abuse or whatever). The second counselor I don't think he's met with, and it's been since January.

As the dad, he has the right to the kids' health records, including mental. However, I am not obligated to fill him in unless there's something of an emergency basis. He can get the information on his own. My obligation is to provide him the counselor's name & contact info. Done.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9297 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Cool  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending a positive mojo for you and your little ones. AD. Today is really the beginning of the rest of your life.good luck.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Opened. I have been enjoying my kids since Tuesday. Toxicity is arriving back in town tomorrow, so I expect new poison hurled toward me throughout the weekend until It departs again. My resolution is NC.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome AD. I've been following you since you were posting in jfo. I am hoping for a positive outcome of the hearing. I don't always post, but I do keep up. Continue being strong. I know you don't feel it, but, you are. You've come such a long way from those weeks in jfo. The hell is coming. But. You'll survive that too.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Another wonderful weekend of duplicitousness has begun:

Behind my back (the only way she knows how to operate) STBXWW changed our DD's pre-paid college account to be deducted from her personal account.

This is in "retaliation" for my closing our "joint" account from which this had always been deducted. I closed it because she had long since stopped depositing into it, and all that remained were my funds--which she was using.

I had sent her several Emails asking her to deposit--as I was continuing to do--so I can pay the home bills at our children's house. No response.

Of course this is part of her grand plan to win Mother of the Year: "See, I'm paying for our daughter's college all by myself!"

However, she never consulted me. (Of course I would have said "No way; we both pay for that as we always have.")

The timing of course is ridiculously transparent.

I don't think I can do anything about it, as my STBXWW set up the account in her name (I'm the survivor, our DS the beneficiary)back when we were together, before the A.

But still, how childishly underhanded.

I will inform my attorney, but I guess there is nothing I can do?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can setup your own accounts for the kids.
You can always keep records of deposits you've made to the "old" account if you (eventually) need or want to show your kids that it wasn't ALL Mother of the Year's doing.
In setting up your own accounts, you can be more reasonably assured that the funds will actually get to your kids and not eventually spent to fund a wild lifestyle.


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6073 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I fire off an Email to the effect that her unilateral decision affecting our child's costs find was not approved by me? Just to cover myself?

Or should I wait to talk to my attorney?

Again my plan (mostly for my own sanity) this weekend was to not rock the boat. To document and keep my distance until the hearing for mediation next week, which should put most of these issues to rest--at least temporarily.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any email you send to her will fall on deaf ears.
Let your attorney know what's going on, but dont contacting your STBXW.

ETA: Unless your attorney advises otherwise. :Smile:

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 6:03 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6073 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, just set up an account on your own. That is what I did.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, just set up an account on your own. That is what I did.

I think I need to clarify: I do have my own account. I transferred all child-related bills and auto-deductions from our "joint" (to which she had stopped contributing) to my own account.

Among the auto-deducts was a monthly deduction to her college pre-paid account.

She called them and switched the auto-deduct from my account to her personal account without a word to me.

Around a month ago we'd argued about this on the phone: she declared, "I will pay for DD's college account."

I replied, "No. We both pay for that as we always have. You don't get to decide what child-associated accounts you, I or we will pay for. We will work that out with our attorneys."

So much for cooperative co-parenting. She continues to do as she wishes.

I wonder if she did this on her own or upon her attorney's advice. I suspect it is the former, as she expressed this to me prior to her retaining an attorney (or at least her newest attorney).

If he did advise her to do this, it seems to me rather stupid advice.

In any case I will take your advice: lay low on this one--it's not a major fight at this point--and wait for my attorney to weigh in.

On another note: I spoke to my DS's psychologist today and informed him that WW does not give me any report on DS's sessions with him. He assured me he would call me after each session.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What people mean is. If she's "taken over" that college account, start a new one, which you contribute to alone. Yes tell your attorney, but also just start a new one. You have bigger fish to fry; just think of it as being happy she's saving up money for the ,it's as well.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This college account thing is no-biggy, IMO. Don't make a *special* phone call to your L over it because it really is not a big deal. /yawn. I see this incident as one that should go on the "next time I talk to my L I'll spend 15 seconds giving her/him a heads-up so that it will be in the notes."

Her switching it is not going to give a *leg up* on getting the Mother of the Year award. As I mentioned earlier, it's *yawn-worthy*.

AFAIK college expenses are totally gratuitous. There is no law that says that parents HAVE to pay college expenses (as opposed to something like *child support for minor children), kwim?

I *get* the frustration and pissed-offedness of the whole unilateral changes and decision-making thing from your stbx......trust me. I'm also dealing with this bullshit right now. But now that I think about your newest development, I'm not so sure that I would even bother to bring it up. Your stbxww wants to *choose* to fund that account? More power to her. The only way that *I* would have a problem if stbx tried to do this is if he used that as a way to *up* his monthly expenses.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, I meant start your own college savings account. My ex took over my kids, I don't trust him at all with their money so I just started my own for them. If he contributes, awesome. If not, it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Totally not worth breaking NC or calling your lawyer.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, who pays for DSs college account?

This may be her way of making payments re kids expenses a bit more even, if you're paying $100 in medical expenses for DS and she pays $100 on DDs college fund that way you don't have to reimburse her and she doesn't have to reimburse you.

If by chance you're doing the states prepaid plan-put money aside anyway. Our legislature now designates what that will pay out per credit hour. You will need to make up the shortfall if the college they attend charges more per credit hour. A lot of parents are unprepared for that as we were told it was free tuition when DD was signed up.

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 6:35 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4850 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses on the pre-paid issue. You are right: I'm not even going to bring it up.

It just angers me that she operates so deceitfully--yet she is the one who whines and complains that I "close the lines of communication" regarding the children. When it is completely the opposite: I keep her informed via Email on EVERYthing. (Often "non-issues" that I shouldn't even have to.) She never responds. It is classic NPD projection and very tough to deal with emotionally.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

This weekend I am going to put all my documentation (thus far) together in one binder.

I have over 250 texts, numerous Emails (most of them with no response from her), detailed calendar entries going all the way back to D-day 11/12/12 (awful things she did and said, child exchanges, etc.). I also have numerous cards and letters from her spanning the arc of our marriage declaring what a wonderful husband and father I am. I also have love letters from her AP.

Awhile ago a few of you posted advice about organizing of documentation in hard-copy form. Can we revisit this?

Any suggestions on the best way--for easy reference for myself and/or a judge .

Thanks!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take all emotion/motive descriptions out of the documentation.

Review for factual data only. remove all editorializing out of the statements.

Compare these two examples:

STBX upset the children with xyz behavior today. Son called me crying, saying he wanted to come home. Heard STBX laughing in the background, as she talked on her cell, completely oblivious to my son's pain.

Instead, facts only:
Son called asking to come home. He was crying. Said XYZ was going on. Said he didn't want to take more medicine. Described nightmares AB and C. Said he didn't feel safe.
date/time of call from which # to which #.(can be substantiated on phone bill)


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