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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would set up a college Acct/buy into a pre paid on my own right now if I were you. You don't want the portion you had contributed already to be alloted to her in support for her to invest. You want control of that. It's possible for her to raid that account now for herself without your knowledge.

k8la has good advice on the documentation. Date everything.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for your documentation, please make sure that you back everything up. You said you were putting together a binder - it is a good idea to also make at least one digital copy (on a usb key, for example), more would be preferable. And store them all in different places, very well hidden if you are keeping one in the house. If you are also keeping a copy of the folder on your computer, make sure that you hide it well and erase all of your tracks.

And password protect EVERYTHING. It's not possible to be too paranoid here (imho).

Keep hanging in there and being a great daddy for your children.

((((AD and kids))))

[This message edited by DeadMumWalking at 5:35 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2503 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW's weekend with the kids, and as usual, DS just texted me asking if I can pick him up. (He's sent me some agitated texts before.)

I texted back: "I will if Mommy texts me that it's OK with her."

He's been with her since yesterday morning, 11:00.

(And for at least a few hours of that time she enlisted a babysitter.)

Update: Going to get him now. WW called me to assure me that everything was just fine; he just missed me and she believes that if one of the children misses the other parent then he/she can get him. Problem is, this has NEVER happened: DS has never asked for Mommy. Sure, he misses her, but this simply has never occurred.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 2:30 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I think that you might be exacerbating this issue with the kids on the weekends a bit. I think that unless something really, really horribly traumatic is happening to your child....then s/he needs to know that "unless mommy or daddy change the schedule, you are going to be with mommy/daddy until <xyz> time."

(I know not everyone will agree with me and I realize that there are always different situations that will arise on a case-by-case basis that will merit a different sort of approach.)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7239 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonnabe: Point taken. I am treading a fine line in these situations. Ultimately however, I am "erring" on the side of taking the kids whenever I can, you know? And documenting. (And of course it goes without saying, I want to see him...)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am "erring" on the side of taking the kids whenever I can, you know?

I know. And I kinda cringed at myself when I hit the submit button.

My point goes more towards don't be so focused on one issue (the brewing custody battle), that you lose your touch-points on other issues (or ones with potential to blow-up in your face down the road). I can't really think of a *good* way to put this, but I'll try: there's a fine line to walk between considering your kids wants/needs/concerns/opinions....and allowing him/her to take advantage of a situation and *change* the rules. (I'm not saying that is what is happening here, with you and your kids, though).

(but take that with a grain of salt -- I tend to have kind of a hard-ass parenting philosophy.....)

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:50 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7239 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I here you, Gonnabe. I did that last weekend when the same scenario occurred: he wanted to be picked up and I refused, telling him this was his time with mommy.

It seemed clear this time that she really didn't care if I got him or not. So I did.

It gets worse, of course: DS just informed me that a babysitter spent half the night with them while Mommy went to a wedding. She returned at 1:00 AM. No word to me of course.

Again, I am looking at the endgame for majority custody. I am not going to say anything to her. I have documented it and this will be presented to my attorney forthwith.

Self-hanging continues. Nice to spend time with Mommy, huh? She takes them Saturday late morning, leaves for half the night, then I get DS the next day and for the rest of the week.

If I don't get majority custody there is no justice.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking at the endgame for majority custody

Then focus on her work schedule....and how erratic and unpredictable it is (and how stable and predictable YOUR schedule is) as the reason that you should be granted majority custody. And prove your willingness to work with her and the fact that you aren't trying to *keep* the kids from her by having documentation that you take the kids when she gets called away unexpectedly and that if she happens to be around and wants them...that you allow her to spend time with them.

It is my firm belief that younger kids should have predictability and routine in their lives (generally). Having a schedule that changes a lot, as some people do and do very well with, can work out depending on the individual personalities of the kid's and the parent's ability to co-parent over the issue. (think of parents that work jobs that involve shift-work.....some flexibility is required in these instances).

Continue to document how she spends the time that she has the kids.....but only for your L to use in negotiation or court...and don't *hang your hat* on the fact that she makes use of babysitters as if it's going to be a slam-dunk for you with a judge. It won't be. The judicial standard for parenting is abysmally low and the presumption is that kids are better off with a 50/50 schedule and that the parent who has *custody* of the kids is allowed to determine *how* they spend that time at their discretion. It's a constitutional individual-rights issue that courts try to stay out of.

I hope that my comments haven't made you feel defensive. I'm just telling you the same thing that I would tell you if I were sitting across the table from you having a conversation. I think that you are dealing with this situation in a manner that is *just fine*. I always keep in the back of my mind this: "there's the *ideal* and then there's the *real*" -- and those 2 concepts don't always 'match up' in real life......

But I'm really wondering how you know that your stbxww didn't return home until 1am.......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7239 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I'm really wondering how you know that your stbxww didn't return home until 1am.......

DS told me this. I did not press for additional detail or question the time.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I don't post often to your thread but i have followed it. I know I did earlier speaking as a child who had feuding/ finally divorced parents. I admire your strenth, you have come so far! My Dday was in 11/12, so I think we were in JFO @ about the same time, I am attempting R with my WH. Correct me if I am wrong and you might not want to limit your kid 's options, but I think you live in Florida? I have nephews that live there and my understanding is that tuition is "free" in Fla,? Check it out , might simplify things? If I am wrong, sorry! I continue to hope and pray that you and your little ones will find peace. All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that my comments haven't made you feel defensive.

Not at all! I appreciate your advice.

I see what you mean. Although it distresses me to no end when I discover something like this--that she's out half the night--what is more objectively important are the facts of her job and my job.

All their lives I have been home by 2:00, Monday through Friday. (Same secure job for twenty years.). Total predictability, security and stability for our children. Her job is provably erratic and unpredictable and unreliable (as she is).

So my strongest "card" is precedent, not emotion. Or at least that's the way it must be "played" if the children are to live their lives as closely as possible to how they always have.

Thanks again.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Document, but don't make a big deal THIS time about her being out until 1am, even in your head. Yes, she should have called you for rights of first refusal, but she used a babysitter to go to a wedding, an event, not to "just go party with the OM". He may have been there, but it is an event that you can't put off until you don't have the kids, kwim?

There will be times that you "have" to go to an event when you have kids. Although I know you will do it right with rights of first refusal if she is in town, going to a wedding is different than hitting the neighbourhood bar to get laid or drunk.

Big picture. Keep it in focus, and think of what you would have to do in the same spot.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5220 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Mediation has been ordered for motion for temporary orders--for November 1. So I have to put up with her ongoing nonsense for another month?? We may as well be mediating for the settlement itself!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, that stinks. 5 weeks from now / will seem like 5 years, if you let it. I have to assume you cannot walk into your WW's home/apartment whenever you want and I have to assume you do not have a key to her residence. Why should she be able to walk into your residence any time she wants? Change the locks. Under the circumstances, you have a right to privacy with regard to your residence even if her name is on the mortgage/deed. I changed my locks, XH whined, it didn't change a thing. Locks stayed changed, I felt far safer knowing he and/or the bimbo couldn't just walk in any time. The court didn't seem to have a problem with that at all. Draw some lines now for your own peace of mind. Like I've said before, even if you trust HER, you don't know whether you can trust her AP. Protect yourself and at least have peace of mind that your home is protected from her snooping and possibly from her AP doing who knows what.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We may as well be mediating for the settlement itself!

Absolutely. If there is something that the courts want to be involved in less than a custody dispute, I've yet to hear of it. It's an ugly, brutal process. The judges I know, hate it! If there is anyway they can get a compromise first, they want to try it.

In no way does that suggest that, that is what I'm recommending for you. I'm sure that her lawyer is pushing hard to get you back to the table. Stick to your guns. You have a heck of a case.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change the locks. If necessary, ask for forgiveness. Do not ask for permission.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too bad you lost your keys, AD. It looks like you'll have to get those locks replaced. After all, you wouldn't want some bum having access to your home and your precious babies, would you?!

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:07 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs and 2 Cats)

The Cheater:
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Married 18yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 5505 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: United States
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,

I really would have changed the locks by now. It was the first thing I did. I KNOW that WW can't ever get in, rummage around when I'm not there or come in and treat it like she never left. It would give you a huge lift and psychological advantage.

It also means that you can leave the houose in any state of clean you want without fear of criticism!

My WW is already angry and so is yours. Changing the locks won't do your case any harm IMO.

I've now seen how my actions of moving on with my life are really frustrating for CSTBXWW. It's quite satisfying.

Stay strong. Just a few more weeks. I have to wait the same amount of time until I get my day in court.

AAS

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:31 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 520 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have said it before, but I will say it again. If you are uncomfortable with changing the locks, then add one. That simple. You felt that an additional lock on the doors was necessary since you had lost your keys, but couldn't change the locks until mediation. Whatever, but I would make sure Ms Crazypants couldn't get into the house.

I feel so much for you, the waiting is the hardest part. Deep breaths, and know that in the scheme of things it's not really that long.

Stay strong.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6565 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I changed the locks. Changed them and also disabled the automatic garage door opener. No way in hell I'm letting STBX back in the house. No way.

I also installed ear-piercing alarms on the doors & windows.

You gotta do something to protect yourself, bro. If for whatever reason you honestly think you cannot change the exterior locks, then for the love of Mike will you please designate an interior room, like your bedroom, as your safe room and put a new lock on that door? That way you can keep your important stuff in there, safe from her, and hey, safe from your kids, too.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8759 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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