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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ibuprofen is an OTC drug, she can buy that one herself. Anything that needs a Rx should be divided or passed with the kid.

Keep it simple and don't let her nickel and dime you. With your money or your time.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Quick question.

I mentioned that the other day my STBXWW sent me a check to help cover the mortgage. (I have not deposited it, nor have I acknowledged receipt.)

Tonight she texted me indicating she wants to pay for half the utilities she did not contribute to for the past month or so.

I have not responded. My inclination is not to take the money, as we are in litigation and it involves spousal support and CS. These matters will be negotiated in mediation November 1st.

Do I take her money? (Of course I and the kids need it.).

What's her game? I am pretty sure this sudden turnaround is not due to guilt or generosity or anything but selfishness.

I am going to consult my attorney ASAP but meanwhile what are your thoughts?

I just don't trust her.

Thanks as always.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been told by someone that basically she abandoned the home. That would be my guess. So she is trying to pay up to date before your hearing. She can show she offered it to you.

Of course still ask your attorney but if you need it I would take it. Won't effect anything unless I would not think? I am assuming she is still considered half owner of the home?


Posts: 5672 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...great question for your attorney. It's really a legal question, otherwise you would have already cashed the checks. I predict he will say to cash them.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive had the same circumstance (well, almost.. The Dooosh decided to pay me less than he had already agreed on- what a winner!) I was worried that accepting it would set a precedence that it was an amount I would be able to live with by the court.

My attorney laughed and said no way. Cash that check! It said nothing other than he had given me $xyz.

I'd cash the checks now. Before she revokes her charitable efforts and stops them from being cashed herself.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 9:04 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to t/j & it is none of my business if you don't want to discuss it. Regarding the college fund accounts, I thought you lived in Fla? My nephews are attending good schools, tuition free. Room & board still needs to be paid but the parents are spending about 40% of what we paid for our daughter's undergrad & she is in grad school @ a very well respected University. We have two more to send to college, oldest son just started this term. If I am mistaken or it is something you don't want to consider, sorry for butting in. If you want to talk feel free to PM. All the best Jamie. P.S. I think you are doing/dealing so well & it is crystal clear that your young ones are your # 1 priority!


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Another quick question!

Suddently the STBXWW is being quite the proactively communicative, cordial one: she is giving me an actual co-parenting schedule, wants to go WITH me to his doctors' appointments,keeping me informed of what she is doing with them when she has them, offering me money, etc.

I don't buy it. Sorry. It's just such a radical abrupt change. I trust her not one ounce.

But here's the question: she texted me that DS wants to have a "family birthday party."

I do not want anything to do with her. I don't want to be in her presence. I hope that someday we can exist as cordial, amicable co-parents. But right now, no. I am not there yet, not by a long shot. And frankly I believe it would be confusing for our son, who still harbors hopes that we still love each other and will get back together. (He is nine and devastated over the separation and divorce.)

I want to say no. But that makes me the bad guy, right?

How to handle this?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't control what she says or does and she will spin this to your son as you being the bad guy. Personally I think misleading your son about a family birthday party is a bad idea. Don't mislead him into thinking there is hope that his family will magically get back together. It is a cruel thing to do. Resilience is what you need to teach the kids. Not her fantasy world that supports her insanity.

You explain it to him, that this is the new reality now, he gets 2 birthdays, one with you and one with his mother. The sooner you all start new traditions the better. You always put what's best for the kids first, so I know you will find the right words to tell him.

I wonder if she isn't setting you up for an epic fail in front of the kids with all her niceness, and then knowing you will say no to the party, she will paint you as a big bad meanie. Be prepared for that move. And learn the phrase, "that's an adult problem, you don't need to worry about it, its between me and your mother".

I am sure others will chime in.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hell no. She has been apprised by someone most likely the attorney. She wants to play happy family again? I have to say not just no but NO NOT A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL NO!!!!!

You have a great relationship with your son, thisnjust one of the times you have to point out that he is so loved that he will celebrate his birthday, Christmas, graduation, and other life events multiple times. I struggled with this when my Hs parents divorced. Multiple events trying to get them all in, but really for the kids its nice they get a lot of attention amd their birthdays go on for a while.

Who cares what she tells him, he may be upset with ypu briefly but he knows that you are the one that puts him first. Let her try to prove she does the same.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8693 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Resolution to the STBXWW's abrupt "financial change of heart."

I emailed my attorney. Her response:

"Yes, you should accept the money and accept that with proper legal advice she is behaving as she always should have behaved."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD how's it going?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8693 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adad, regarding the party, if you think you can do it, I'd do it. You can still be clear to your son that you guys are not getting back together, but thy you would both love to see him have a great birthday together. Our kids seeing two people who are no longer the closest of friends putting that aside and getting along for their sake, is not such a bad thing.

In my situation, when we first split there was a while where we didn't talk. At. All. But as the months have gone by, we have gotten to the point where we even do things with the kids together. He'll come over for dinner some nights, we went to the kids school carnival together (he met us there) and we even do a movie together sometimes. The kids are under no illusion that we'll be getting back together. I have a 10 year old and he made a comment to my sister in law the other night about us being divorced (we're not yet, but eventually). My kids have definitely benefitted from this. Their father is a major douche and would not put the effort infor them otherwise. Maybe this is me shielding them a bit from the truth (their dad is an emotionally unavailable, selfish dick head), but they do so much better now. We're actually celebrating my daughters birthday this Sunday at a pizza restaurant. All of his family will be there. And I'll have a smile on because I love my daughter an so I'm okay space sharin with him. :). That's all JMO, though. There are probably plenty of other reasons to not get involved in that.

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 10:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD how's it going?

Hi, TN. Thanks for asking. I've been an emotional "mixed bag" for the past few days. I was doing quite well, and then WW abruptly started acting halfway human (presumably on the advice of her attorney. She's basically been "giving me" most of the the things I am demanding in the temporary orders: she has not been coming to the house, she is contributing to the marital home expenses, keeping in communication with me regarding the children (school, doctors), notifying me well in advance of the co-parenting schedule.

I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. But the big reasons why I've been able to detach are 1) NC, and 2) she had been horrible to me (I mean since I filed).

Now the increased contact and her comparatively "nice" behavior set me back emotionally, and I find myself missing the "old her," reminiscing, etc. I snap out of it much more easily than I used to, but I am dismayed that the old pull is still there, and that it does not take much.

I picked up the kids from her on Sunday, and she spoke to me with her face close to mine, touched me briefly on the arm, and as she said goodbye she gave me a tragic look for a second or two. Just these sent me into a slight emotional tailspin for several days.

I guess it's just going to take a long time to truly reach indifference. The "good news" is that this mask won't be worn for long. I am certain she will cycle back into her monster mask soon enough and I will snap out of my funk. But I'm sad right now.

Adad, regarding the party, if you think you can do it, I'd do it.

I just don't think I can. And I do not believe it is good for my son at this time. Now, his birthday isn't until January, so maybe things will be different, but I doubt it. Plus I think her telling me this now is a bit of subtle selfish hoovering on her part, so I am leery of this as well.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now the increased contact and her comparatively "nice" behavior set me back emotionally, and I find myself missing the "old her," reminiscing, etc. I snap out of it much more easily than I used to, but I am dismayed that the old pull is still there, and that it does not take much.

It totally makes sense that this would trigger you back into missing her. The fact that you can acknowledge it and talk to us about it in a semi-detached way is huge.

Mantra for the day: "Sheep's clothing"

(((AD)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17805 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The next time she pulls the Oh So Reasonable Me act, take a close look because that mask will slip and show the horror that is underneath. Regard her at Ms Phantom of the Opera, who is trying to run your life and wear a mask of utter reason. I am more than sure that it will slip soon.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4917 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you recognize the mask. I'm with you in that her lawyer is probably driving the "nice" wagon. A possibility might also be that she has been informed of the likely outcome of her situation and she's playing nice to get a better result in mediation.

Re: the party. You can't right now. Primarily for the kids emotional well-being. Especially if the two of you are well mannered to each other. Don't raise their hopes unnecessarily.

Also, the evil side of me wonders if she plans to have the OM there.

IMO, too much to risk by going.

As always,
Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that it sent you into a spin. Would it make you feel better to know that when you pulled out of the driveway she probably smiled to her self, and said yes. Meaning she knows she got the exact reaction she wanted?
You do realize that is probably what she did, oh sad face to you, and then hahaha I made him sad. He he he it's all his fault, cause I am so sweet and wonderful, my boyfriend even says so.....(insert sarcastic smiley here) (I still firmly believe there should be a sarcasm font).

Anyway, stay strong my friend. Don't let her act fool you for one second.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8693 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it make you feel better to know that when you pulled out of the driveway she probably smiled to her self, and said yes. Meaning she knows she got the exact reaction she wanted?

Thanks, TN. To clarify: she saw no reaction from me at the time. I wore my stone face. If she gloated afterward she had nothing on which to base it.

But my funk continues... Can't sleep, incessant dreams of her (not of her returning, but of perpetually leaving), endless analysis of her actions. Ugh. I thought I was well past this. I have therapy tomorrow, so that will be helpful.

Thanks, everyone. The holidays are going to be brutal.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad-

No matter what, you can never go back. You can never unknow the mistreatment, the cruelty, the absolute heartbreak. I know you wouldn't even consider R after everything, but a glimpse of what it may be like if you did: waking up every.single.day wondering which person you were waking up to. If today is the day that the bank account is emptied again, if today you will be blindsided by a d filing (behind your back) again. Living like this is truly a drain on a person's soul. No matter how sorry the WS may be, you would be haunted by these events of the past that are truly so cruel and calculated.

You can't go back. You have to keep going forward. She knows you-even though you may be stone walled to her face, she knows this is literally slashing your heart in a million little pieces.

The holidays will be hard. Allow yourself the proper time to grieve.

(((Abbobdad)))


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, swizzle. There is no way I would EVER risk being put through that again; I hope I wasn't implying that I would want her back under any circumstances.

What I am experiencing is just a normal emotional weakening. Just part of the rollercoaster. I'll get through it.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
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