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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So hard to navigate...

I know it friend. I stopped rescuing the girls too once I realised he wasn't going to settle for any less than 50%. I told him I would no longer rescue him and if he couldn't handle them then he needed to relinquish some custody.

Every time he called they were crying in the background. When I picked them up they were fine.

I suspect he was ignoring them or something (coming down or hungover) AND using these situations as a way to torture me. I found them very upsetting as did the girls - it makes it no easier that they want to be with you but can't because X is insisting on 50%.

One less button for him to press and things have been much calmer for the girls ever since. He lost control of me long ago and has only recently seemed to accept it (fingers crossed!).

It is all well and good for people to say pick up your kids no matter what and in an ideal world where money grows on trees and our jobs are not at risk we would all do that.

If you want more custody than you currently have then you pick them up whenever you can until the agreement is in place ie: when it does not put your livelihood at risk. Then if she keeps changing or needing alternate care you then talk to your L about forcing her to adjust the percentage because she is clearly unable to uphold her end of the bargain.

Keep 1 Nov in mind. Keep avoiding her at all costs. Get a lock on your bedroom door so she can't go snooping in there. Change the combination on the safe and make sure you have photos of every single document in there. Better yet move them off-site to somewhere safe. If she needs them she can have her L request them. It has been long enough.

Sending you strength brother. Soon you will have exclusive use of the house, FRR a set parenting schedule and the waters will be much, much calmer and you will no longer be at the mercy of her whims. This limbo stage is hell. Remind yourself you are closing these gaps one by one. Soon they will all be closed.

If you can you should arrange it so that all handovers are via school drop off/pick ups. I have this arrangement so I only have to see the sad clown a few times a year. It is bliss.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear of your traumatic weekend, yet again.

I attempted to post from my tablet yesterday, but it was acting schizo. So here are my thoughts, a day late, and dollar short I am sure.

WHY are you LEAVING YOUR HOME when CSTBXW shows up?
You need to be there, and up in her business, stopping her from making it home for her. Using the Washer and dryer? ! ? ArE YOU kidding me? I would have walked in there pulled that shit out, no matter where it was in the process, thrown in a trash bag, and given her a roll of quaters, and the address of the nearest laundrymat. F her. Make it uncomfortable for her.

I know your first instinct is to avoid, but lets look at this , everytime you stand your ground, really stand it, she backs down. She has no clue how to deal with you when you do this.

I have no words of advice about getting the kids/leaving the kids, I would certainly ask your lawyer what she recommends for this issue.

November 1, November 1, November 1. Keep repeating it.

Of course I am STILL of the opinion of adding a lock. That is NOT changing them, and it keeps her crazy ass out of your house.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8247 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have followed your posts for a while now. It is just so very weird to me, but believe it or not my brother is in almost the same situation. There are enough details that are different that I know you aren't, indeed, my little bro - but it is chilling to me to know there are so many women like this out there. Thinking about you, and your children, and my brother and his.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6621 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHY are you LEAVING YOUR HOME when CSTBXW shows up?

My guess, because it was why I left my house when my ex would show up, would be that he's trying to avoid a false domestic violence charge. It isn't exactly uncommon.


Posts: 1657 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah Yes Hopeless of COURSE!!! pardon my DUH moment.

AD - Sending you strength, and wondering if you can have your brother, or a friend/neighbor on speed dial, and ready to come bear witness to her insanity when she invades your home, and safe place?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8247 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHY are you LEAVING YOUR HOME when CSTBXW shows up?

TN,

I leave primarily because I don't want the kids exposed to us fighting. But as Hopeless also indicated, it's true, I don't feel safe with her. Paradoxically (and frustratingly) while I don't want the kids witnessing us fighting, I also don't want to be alone with her. Catch-22. So I took the quickest way out to defuse the situation when it was clear she wasn't going to leave--and damn the kids if this was causing them distress--and I left.

On another--predictable--note, my DS just called me crying asking if he could come home. He didn't say if Mommy said it is up to me, so I told him he can't and that this is his time with mommy.... The usual.

Ten minutes later he leaves me a message: "I feel like I'm gonna die, and Mommy doesn't give two shits about me." (He is nine.)

I spoke to his psychologist this afternoon, whom he met with yesterday. DS is very distressed about his mom having a boyfriend--whom indeed he has met, as has my DD--as well as the possibility that some day his dad will have a girlfriend.

I am upset. I thought that maybe--just maybe--she would wait until after the divorce and when we can get our DS to a good place emotionally to introduce POS to the kids. Naive of me.

New: WW just texted me telling me he wants to come to our home (I am here now) to be with HER. I told her not to come. We will see if she listens.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 3:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I feel like I'm gonna die, and Mommy doesn't give two shits about me." (He is nine.)

That's awful....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he heard you say that phrase? The giving two shits about him strikes me as an odd thing a nine year old would say unless he is repeating what he has heard.

Posts: 473 | Registered: Aug 2009
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your poor little boy.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I feel like I'm gonna die, and Mommy doesn't give two shits about me." (He is nine.)
Your poor kids. I'm glad you talked to the psychiatrist about this. What is he/she recommending?

"I feel like I'm gonna die, and Mommy doesn't give two shits about me." (He is nine.)

I agree with a previous poster. The part in bold doesnt sound like something a 9yr old would say unless he's heard it before.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6380 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The giving two shits about him strikes me as an odd thing a nine year old would say unless he is repeating what he has heard.

It actually struck me as odd as well (it was a voicemail and sounded SO unlike him). All I can say is this is not a phrase I use; nor is it to my recollection one my WW uses either.

Your poor kids. I'm glad you talked to the psychiatrist about this. What is he/she recommending?

The psychologist told me DS is faring much worse than perhaps we realize. He emphasized the obvious--or what is to me the obvious. That DS needs to become accustomed to being separate from Mom and Dad. And that he is disturbed when he hears us fight.

Well, the only time with "fight" is when WW comes into my residence. And as I said in my other posting, I told her that her being there was confusing to the children and she should take her laundry and LEAVE.

Apparently DS overhead this. And apparently WW told the psychologist that I "yelled at her." Yeah, I sure did start raising my voice. I was angry that she had the gall to stomp on my boundaries and do this to the kids.

As far as becoming accustomed to "separateness," well, that's another problem, since every damn time she "has" the kids, DS calls crying that he wants to come home to me and more and more frequently WW clearly has NO problem with me coming to get him.

As a result, he is being bounced back and forth. I just don't know what to do at this point. The main thing to my way of thinking is to get those temporary orders in place granting me exclusive use of and rights to the home, and make it clear to WW that she CAN'T come over and what will happen if she does.

But I/we will also have to have a talk with DS and DD that Mommy is no longer going to come into this house--just like Daddy never goes into her house.

It would all be so much simpler if I were dealing with a rational, somewhat selfless person. I believe that her coming to the house is a form of continuing her cake-eating.

PS: She never did end up coming here--though I know she is in the area, as DD is at her friend's house a few miles away. So it may not be over yet.

And yet again, WW wants me to pick them up at her place tomorrow morning and take them to school.

Yet again, I said simply, "No. I will be glad to take them tonight if you can't get them to school tomorrow morning."

No response.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad- STAY STRONG!!!! It's crazy making and she wants to make you crazy. Stay strong. Don't let her see you rattled. Don't let the kids see you rattled.

You are their beacon of hope. You are their lighthouse. She can fuck up her life all she wants, but you are there to ensure she doesn't fuck up their lives anymore than she already has.

Reading about your last couple of days makes me sad for her. Your kids are going to thank you in 10 years when they realize what craziness you all have survived.

Sending you hugs and strength.

Are you still seeing your IC?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 352 | Registered: Apr 2013
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is all the more reason you need to go for as big a chunk of custody as you can get.
There would be a lot less back and forth for your poor kids if you had more custody time.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6380 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is all the more reason you need to go for as big a chunk of custody as you can get.

Thank you. But I have been experiencing a sinking feeling that I will not be granted any more than 50/50. WW has been taking the kids at least 50% of the time for the last few weeks, arranging her schedule so this can be done. She is determined that I NOT have them more than 50/50. Not because she wants them, but because of her desire for power, control, and vengeance on me.

Now of course, as you know if you've been following my "weekends" when WW "has" them, she really does not: I end up taking my son home, or she comes to my home with the kids, or she pawns them off on babysitters.

I know this will continue even if she is granted 50/50 and it just makes me sick and angry.

I have all the documentation, but I just am feeling very cynical and skeptical right now that right will prevail for our children and they will most of the time be where they are happiest--with me in our home, wherein lies stability and consistency.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are probably right about 50/50 but you should talk to your lawyer about first right of refusal. When the game wears off you will end up with more than 50/50.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS is distraught that I know he met my STBXWW's AP.

I wasn't sure what to say to soothe him. He doesn't want to talk about it.

All I said was "You didn't do anything wrong."

He said "Yes I did."

He wouldn't tell me what he thinks he did "wrong."

I told him I loved him and Mommy loves him and that Mommy makes her own decisions.

I want to tell him that I don't have a girlfriend and will never leave him but that would imply that his mom has left him just because she has a boyfriend and I don't want to give him that idea. (Regardless of what I think to myself.)

Was that last part wrong of me? That "Mommy makes her own decisions"? Might he process it "the wrong way"?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poor little guy. I'd say he feels like he is being disloyal to you or something.

Either that or his mum told him not to tell you.

I don't talk about the sad clown other than to tell my girls that mummy loves them and daddy loves them and that will never change.

I also reassure them that it is OK to like OWUmpteen or anyone in their dads life.

DD5 went through a phase of telling me she hated her. I asked her why. She said she just did. We talked about it for a while (always focussing on HER and HER feelings - not on OWUmpteen or the sad clown) and it turned out she was saying it because she thought it would make me happy.

I told her I was happy - I didn't need her to change her feelings or pretend things.

I told her none of this changes how I feel about her or how she feels about me. And I meant it.

You can't tell him you'll never have a girlfriend because that's simply untrue and you could be painting yourself into a corner. Keep reassuring him. Let him talk about them - mind your bristling, they pick up on it.

As hard as it is I know that as long as that whore or the next or the next are not unkind to my girls I.will.get.through.this and reach indifference about it.

For you, not right now. I know it burns like the fire of a thousand suns. Your little boys pain - all of it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD you did good here. You are right to tell him that he did nothing wrong and also to tell him that WW's decisions are hers.

He is feeling his loyalty to you both being stretched here.

As hard as it is, there are a few things to consider here. First of all, this will happen again and you can't stop it. Secondly, and most importantly, you do not want DS to feel torn apart each time he has to see OM. I know its tempting. There is a part of all of us that wants our kids to hate the OP. It makes us feel better. But that's not fair to them. It is better for them if they feel they can be around the OP without it being something that upsets the other parent.

Your DS needs to be able to feel this - that whatever he feels is OK. It seems very clear to me where his loyalties lie here and that is testament to your parenting and to the love he has for you. OM is never going to get that. You have no cause to worry about that - trust me.

SBB is right on all counts here. DS knows that you are having a hard time with all of this, but he must be constantly reassured that it is nothing that he said or did - even if that is meeting OM.

Also do not draw the line between meeting someone knew and a parent leaving him. If and when you meet someone this could come back to bite you on the as in a big way, not because you would leave him, but because he may think that you will. Instead reassure him that you will always be there for him no matter what.

You're doing well in a tough situation AD - keep it up.


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Strong and Velveteer. I'm actually feeling better about it, which is a great relief--the fact that I can bounce back from "mini-traumas" so much more quickly than I used to.

My little guy will be OK with my stability and reassurance of my love. He knows what he has with me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,

Just hold on for a few more weeks. It's gonna get worse beforehand but then it will start to calm down.

Have faith

(easier said than done, I know)


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 663 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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