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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to your lawyer about it. The threat of putting in to a legal record about her A might be enough leverage to get what you want. Its all about the art of the deal now.

I am not sure about your state but in mine, all court documents are public record. Your kids could pull them up when they are older. The neighbors could come to court just to watch. Does she really want to put him thru that? Does she want your kids to know all of this? (yes I remember "all" of your story.) Your lawyer will know best but seriously think about it.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wants sole responsibility for children's medical care, claiming I suffer from a medical disorder (Tourette's Syndrome) which hinder my ability to make rational decisions in the children's best interest.
Everything in her response is typical - ask for everything, throw as much shade as possible, blah blah blah.

And it's even typical for them to try to label the other spouse as unfit in anyway possible.

But that pot-shot about your TS? As the mom of a Tourette's kid? I'm good and pissed off at that noise. FTB.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24970 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that pot-shot about your TS? As the mom of a Tourette's kid? I'm good and pissed off at that noise. FTB.

Thank you for understanding, NIK. It would be bad enough if only I had TS, but both our children have it and she knows damn well what the disorder is (neurological) and what it is not (psychiatric). It is just deplorable that she would grasp at this.

And grasping it is. This what lies behind it: she wants to claim that I have "rage issues." These alleged rage issues are, she wants to maintain, are related to Tourette's.

Wrong on both counts. If I had "rage" (also known as "human anger" resulting from discovery of spouse's adultery) then so did she. It's a "he said she said." I will be glad to authorize release of my therapist's and psychiatrist's records if she does the same.

We are both on anti-depressants. I went on mine after discovering her affair and to cope with the hell of limbo.

She has always been on heavy psych meds--and years ago,checked into a psych hospital. Plus she has has expressed suicidal ideation many times. I really don't want to play these cards, but if she starts with the "he is mentally unfit" BS to limit my rights as a dad, I will.

In any case, it seems to me that everything she alleges is trumped by one undeniable fact: she left the kids in the care of an allegedly unfit, unstable, irrational raging monster for nearly a year.

What does that say about HER judgement, capacity for making sound decisions, and consideration for her children's well-being and safety?

That she left the marital home must really be a thorn in her attorney's side. This is why she is now trying to move back in--in a pathetic attempt to turn back time and undue facts.

Over my dead body will she hurt our children further.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AD)))
That Crazy Bitch sure knows exactly what buttons to push.

Try to think of this like when our government is trying to pass a bill. You know they have the first proposed bill, and they ask for WAY MORE than they know they will get, because they know there will have to be give and take, and there are some things that they ask for that they KNOW are not feesible, or will never happen. They don't mind giving those things up and it looks to the other side, that they are willing to work on this to make it right.
It's really a dance of manipulation, and give and take to get something close to what you will really want. Although with her requests she obviously is going to be doing more giving. She is ridiculous in the fact that even though she earns a lot more than you is asking for money. Yah that's in the best intrest of the kids to leave dad broke and destitute.

You know she's a nut job, NPD, self centered, bitch. Try to remember that as you go through this.

Calling your TS a mental disorder should be obvious to anyone else involved that she is just grasping for truths, and you may have to dig your skeletons out to show she is more mentally unstable than you.

((((and peace))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8154 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WorldTraveler23
♀ New Member
Member # 36528
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has always been on heavy psych meds--and years ago,checked into a psych hospital. Plus she has has expressed suicidal ideation many times. I really don't want to play these cards, but if she starts with the "he is mentally unfit" BS to limit my rights as a dad, I will.

All due respect, Abbondad, she just did call you unfit. There's no time left to hold cards in your hand. Play them and keep your children safe and in your care. Thinking about you.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2012
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In any case, it seems to me that everything she alleges is trumped by one undeniable fact: she left the kids in the care of an allegedly unfit, unstable, irrational raging monster for nearly a year.

THIS.

She is full of shit. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, do what your L says, and KEEP DOCUMENTING.

You are doing GREAT.

((((AD & kids))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2545 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. Your reassurances are so helpful--they truly are. I keep re-reading them for strength.

KEEP DOCUMENTING

I'm still concerned about this. I have a detailed calendar, some emails, and tons of texts. (Only some of the texts are slightly damning.)

I hope this will suffice.

But I have something else (lots of these actually): cards and letters implicitly contradicting her claim of my being unfit to make medical decisions, thus of course suggesting that I am too unstable to care for the kids overall.

Here is an excerpt from only one of them. Let me know what you think. Is this compelling? (Written likely in 2011, on the morning of a business trip.)

"Thank you Abbondad for being so great and taking over. Even though I give orders I know you will be great and the kids are fine, even wonderful when you are taking care of them!!

Thank you for being the source of all my happiness."

STBXWW



Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are dealing with this at an emotional level. Try to look at it from a factual level.

Wife is unfit/unstable proved by her multiple psych meds list them, multiple psych providers provide list of all the Pschiatrists, Psychologists she has seen in the past 3 years. Why would something with her word on it mean anything? She is a proven liar who lies.

As far as yourself, being unstable state that you obviously are not that you have been employed by the same university for x number of years, chose to take sebatical to care for your family, as it was in crisis, while she continued to abuse, neglect, and abandon her home, her kids, and her spouse.

Take the emotion out of it. Facts are so much stronger, because they cant be a he said she said. They are the truth.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8154 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Thank you Abbondad for being so great and taking over. Even though I give orders I know you will be great and the kids are fine, even wonderful when you are taking care of them!!

Thank you for being the source of all my happiness."

STBXWW

Goldmine right there. It speaks volumes to her deceitfulness as well as your competency. I'm just so sorry it has to come to this. Please please please include this card in your case.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16975 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give everything to your L and a synopsis of what you have so they don't have to go through each card (i.e., 18 cards dtd 1Jul98-4May10 stating what a great dad I am, etc) or letter. Same things with her mental health issues she opened the door on this so you now need to counter with her information.

And ask your L to have LoverBoy LiveScanned for safety reasons. You would require a livescan for a nanny well, he potentially will be around your kids for longer than a nanny would be. I think that you deserve some reassurance that LoverBoy isn't a child molester.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4713 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I had therapy today and feel much better. She essentially said the same thing as all of you (and I don't even have to pay you!):

Basically, I know it is upsetting emotionally, but this is to be expected. She is throwing everything out there--as outrageously or patently false though it may be--hoping something will stick. Try to reign in your emotions and approach it as a business deal.

Note: my therapist was a mediator for years, knows my lawyer AND my wife (who was her therapist for awhile until one day my therapist dared to suggest that maybe my wife shouldn't be having an affair if she has any desire to save her marriage), AND my WW's scumbag attorney was her ex-husbands attorney.

So she knows of what she speaks.

Thank you again, everyone. As usual, SI is a crucial part of my support system.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, she did it again: took the kids for from Thursday til Tuesday (we will see if she really will last that long).

DS calls me today around 3:30. (No school today.). Turns out Mommy went to work today. He'd been at his friend's all day. I asked where his sister was. She was also dropped off at her friends.

No informing me, let alone asking if I would like to take them (I would have.). I asked DS if mommy knew she was going to work today. Yes, she did.

It's all about her, and all about depriving me of them--all in the name of thwarting my desire to have them (really be with them). Control and possession. Control and possession.

Of course, it has been duly documented, adding to the veritable stack at this point. God, I hope this documentation does its job. The facts speak for themselves. My poor kids: Yay, we are seeing mommy! Oh. Not really.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No informing me, let alone asking if I would like to take them (I would have.). I asked DS if mommy knew she was going to work today. Yes, she did.

^^^ this whole thing...dude, you are being a little unfair. You are trying to have it both ways in a way of speaking.

Look, you want your wife to have her job. Check. You will be working out schedules to split the children's time. Check. You can't now say that she is a bad mother for arranging childcare for when she has to work. Are you expecting that she inform you once you are divorced how she arranges childcare when it is her time to have the kids?

I get that you want to document for primary custody, etc. But opining that she is a bad mother in trying to juggle her job and childcare at the same time is a step too far IMO.

Plus, in past posts you have made it clear that she needs to make her own childcare arrangements and not rely on you. Isn't she doing that?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 1:13 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 862 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

My weekend horror show continues. I am home. STBXWW dropped of DS across the street at her friend's birthday party. Fine. My DS knows I am home and wants to stay with me but I tell him this is his alone time with mommy.

He drove off sadly with his mom. Then calls me ten minutes later crying, saying he "doesn't want to go." I ask where. Silence. Then, "I just don't want to go. I don't feel well." (Psychosomatic I'm sure.)

I assume he is being taken with his mom to the POS's. The crying continues, I try to calm him. He says "Mommy hates me." I tell him that is not so, that mommy loves him.

He claims he is not feeling well, and I tell him mommy will take care of him. Anyway, the crying that he "doesn't want to go there" continues. He says goodbye but doesn't hang up, so I can hear his mother fighting with him:

"You are going! You don't have a choice! Get back into the car! One...two..." Etc.

This tears me heart out. I understand that she is trying to "acclimate" DS to the POS, but can't she see he is suffering? Does it not matter a bit?

A nice relationship she and POS will be cultivating at the expense of our children.

I'm sure DS's reaction is all my fault to her.

BTW, she makes him turn off his "Find my iphone" when she is taking him to the POS. This is how I usually know he is there.

Very upset. In protective Father Bear mode and feeling very helpless.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 1:17 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next time you get a call like this, ask him what is the worst that could happen if he goes. Then go from there. As much as you hate it, help him to alleviate his fears and acknowledge his emotions. As we know, emotions are short lived, he doesn't know that yet at his young age.

I gave my bios a key chain with a picture of us on it so they could look at it if they needed some comfort. Did it for preschool, attaching it on their backpack.

Do you have a book on raising kids to be resilient? I know they are out there. Might be a good investment. I have a friend who dealt with high anxiety in her daughter. She work in this area for her and now she is an outgoing teenage.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Standing. I just got home and it looks she gave up. She dropped him at his friend's house down the street and left by herself to go to the POS. Now he just came in the house and wants to stay.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd let him stay dad, if she isn't going to raise a stink. He's really hurting to keep doing this every time he's with her.

I would go to his C appt and ask her what she thinks is best for him, how to help him, and what each of you need to do.

I feel so bad for him.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5416 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, MC--I must have missed your post and questions. Thanks for responding.

Plus, in past posts you have made it clear that she needs to make her own childcare arrangements and not rely on you. Isn't she doing that?

I understand, and yes, she is making her own childcare arrangements, but I DO want to be relied upon to take the kids if she cannot.

In other words, she is not offering First Rights of Refusal. I know it is not my business (I think?) what she does when she has custody of the kids. However, if they are going to be pawned off on someone else--often someone else who lives ACROSS THE STREET from me WHILE I AM HOME, then I would like to be offered the kids.

"Childcare" is one thing, but the situation is absurd. For example, as referenced above, here is a typical situation:

She wanted them through Tuesday morning. Turns out she is working all day Monday. She knows I am not and that I will be home. She makes arrangements with my neighbor (across the street) to pick up our children and take them to her house until she returns from work at 6:00 PM.

So I am literally across the street, and they naturally want to be with me--so they end up coming over and staying with me! I text her this information, and her response is, "Well, Neighbor is supposed to have them."

Thus I end up with them but "on paper" (so-to-speak) she "has them."

Do you see the absurdity and my frustration? And this is ongoing and in many variations. She does not want me to have them, but she does and/or cannot be with them. I want them to be with her when they are supposed to be with her. I understand that sometimes childcare is necessary when juggling work, but it is, IMO, too much childcare--especially as I am available to take them.

Finally, her leaving the kids with someone else often has nothing to do with work; she simply wants to go out and/or cannot deal with their behavior.

In any case, MC, it is all very frustrating and confusion, and I may very well seem to contradict myself on occasion. I just want my kids to be with their parents as much possible. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am being too clingy and they need to become accustomed to being separate...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad,

If you can, step back and observe the dynamic between DS and XW. Is he manipulating her to control the situation or honestly having issues with the situation. 9 yo are capable of manipulation and can be great actors. It's not that I think your son is manipulating that's important but your ability to look at this particular situation that continues to happen over and over again. I honestly believe that you looking at this 'dance' from the outside may give you ways to help your son to cope, deal, and ultimately grow from the situation.

I would be bringing this up with his therapist and asking for ways to help him with this situation. I am worried that he will start using you as a his safe place to avoid dealing with uncomfortable situations that life hands him. I want him growing up able to handle challenges that life throws him. And this is one of those challenges.
At some point, he will have to deal with POS, he's not old enough to dictate the situation yet. Thinking of wsys to help him navigate this situation (instead of avoiding it) will go a long way toward helping him grow to be an adult that can handle uncomfortable challenges..

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

A very upsetting start to my day. I wanted to post here while it is still fresh in my mind, as it just occurred.

My STBXWW and kids showed up at the house at 6:30 while I was getting ready to leave for work. (She was taking them to school--on time, amazingly.) The kids had insisted on stopping in and seeing the dogs.

The night before, WW texted me that when her lease is up she will be renting a place that allows dogs and will (never a question, always a declaration) take our 18-year-old dog. For those of you who are dog lovers, you know how close you can be to your furry children. And while WW brought this dog with her into our relationship, she is just as much mine as she is hers. So that was upsetting.

I walked out to my car, and STBXWW is sitting in the garage with the dogs. Our eyes meet and we both burst into tears. (I'm sorry I lost it, I couldn't help it; it just happened.)

I told her to move her car so I could leave. I brought the dog over to her and told her the above--that she was my dog too. She agreed that I could keep her with me. I was surprised. Then again, having her would mean more responsibility for WW, so there is at least a small amount of selfishness in her concession.

Then she says this (or what I can remember): "Abbondad, I hope we can move past what WE (WE!!!) created and move on toward love...something something..."

And I lost it. Sobbing, I shouted at her, "You know I am and always have been a wonderful, loving father. How could you say (referring to her response to my petition) I am some sort of unstable, rage-filled suicidal monster? How could you? I have always done EVERYTHING for our children!"

And she nodded, crying, as I said these words. So she knows these are lies. I know that she will continue to pursue this lie legally, but at least I know she realizes these are lies. (Unfortunately I did not have my VAR. It all happened so unexpectedly.)

I got in my car and she came over:

Her: "You are trying to take away the kids from me."

Me: "Take them away from you!!???"

Her: "You want them 70% of the time."

Me: "That's not 'taking them away from you.' It is what they have always KNOWN."

(I hope I didn't tip my hand with this.)

Again, we are both sobbing at this point.

I drove off.

The only good thing that "possibly" came out of this: her saying that she is renting a different place after her current lease is up in a few months suggests that she is not going to pursue her legal declaration that she wants to move back into the home or will fight my temporary order for exclusive rights to and possession of the home.

Anyway, that's what happened. And now I'm "re-wrecked." (I had been doing pretty well the last few days.)

Thanks as always for listening.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
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