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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And she nodded, crying, as I said these words. So she knows these are lies. I know that she will continue to pursue this lie legally, but at least I know she realizes these are lies.

Gently, this is just more of her manipulative bullshit. She realises nothing but that she can still get under your skin and control you with her emotions.

I feel your pain, friend. I got all of this shit out of the way during the first S and False R. I've been lucky in that I have been able to largely avoid him and scenes like this.

I know it is hard and I know you want to shake her to see if parts of the woman you knew and loved are still rattling away in there somewhere but I need to remind you of who and what you are dealing with.

"Abbondad, I hope we can move past what WE (WE!!!) created and move on toward love...something something..."

She will remind you again soon enough. Of that I am certain. You'll need a few more rounds of this shit before a switch is flicked inside you and you go hardcore NC. As strong and bold and bolshy and confident as I am I just about bled out before the switch flicked for me.

Be gentle with yourself. Please. Do not do this to yourself. She is not in there. She doesn't 'see' anything but a mark. You are that mark.

As I said she will remind you again soon enough. Soon you'll stop hurting yourself like this. You think you're seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and she might be reasonable but you're ignoring the freight train hurtling towards you.

((Abbondad)) I've been there. I say all of this to the me of 18m ago as much as I say it to you now.

[This message edited by SBB at 10:59 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm.....are you SURE she wasn't recording the conversation and trying to set you up for a "rage incident"?

From here on out, I'd just assume any conversation you have with her is being recorded by her. Watch what and how you say it.

Divorce brings out the worst in people.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree that this whole scene was her trying to manipulate you. She may well have been recording the conversation. But, I'm looking at this exchange...

I got in my car and she came over:

Her: "You are trying to take away the kids from me."

Me: "Take them away from you!!???"

Her: "You want them 70% of the time."

Me: "That's not 'taking them away from you.' It is what they have always KNOWN."

If she was recording you, it shows the facts. And she didn't dispute them. Still, I would tread very lightly from this point forward. Perhaps you could practice some standard statements to deal with her ramblings and provocations.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I can not discuss this without my legal representation present."

Or best... just crickets.

She is grasping at straws. Don't give her anything that she might be able to use against you. Hang in there!!!


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

Another duck in my row:

A neighbor whom STBXWW has been trying to ingratiate herself to has approached me offering a deposition in my favor should I need one. (This makes four neighbors.)

Turns out STBXWW on the day she was supposed to be with the kids dropped off her her house not only our kids but another little girl whom my neighbor did not even know. For six. Hours. while she went off with her boyfriend.

I happend to stop home that afternoon and found my son wandering around the neighborhood. I asked him, "Where is Mommy??"

He said, "I don't know. She is supposed to pick me up later."

Upsetting to say the least. But at least I have another ally.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unbelievable.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Tell your attorney ASAP and get that neighbor deposed NOW.

A very simple page in your file that states the facts as your neighbor knows them. That on x date, the following things happened....

Seriously. You have to stop thinking she is "a good mother" and that your kids "should be with both parents"

Because she fails at parenting. FAILS.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXWW's birthday is this Sunday. I have told the kids "in case they want to so something for Mommy."

I'm thinking My job is done as far as I'm concerned. Am I wrong? Should I help the kids in any way? I don't give a damn about her, but I don't want my kids to feel guilty.

Advice?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's all you need to do, dad. You're obligation is done UNLESS your kids ask you to help them by supplying materials for them to make her a gift.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5259 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I was doing this for my children so that they could feel the best they could instead of feeling bad about having a split life and loyalties and about not being able to do what was proper and loving, I did help my kids either make or drive them to shop for something thoughtful but low cost and a card. I loved supporting them and years later I know it was the right thing.

Help them do the right thing and to do what they want to do but can't do for themselves.

But I myself absolutely hated stroking his ego because in XWH's eyes that's all it was. Plus he never did the same for them when it came to my bday.

[This message edited by rainagain at 9:51 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, this is just more of her manipulative bullshit.

As I said she will remind you again soon enough. Soon you'll stop hurting yourself like this. You think you're seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and she might be reasonable but you're ignoring the freight train hurtling towards you.

SBB,

Thank you. I know you are correct. It was a moment, just a passing moment. My emotions made their presence known, but within one day they bowed to my head and I see her crocodile tears for what they were.

Here is what I know about her, and I do know her: what she feels, she does feel--in that moment. In that moment she missed me. Her emotions do not translate to contemplation and manifest ultimately as empathy, for she is not capable of this.

I know that after her self-indulgent sobs, she is continuing unabated her attempts to destroy me by portraying me as unfit. She is the enemy.

I am not the man I was, SSB. Six months ago I would be typing this with tears, seeing, as you say, light at the end of the tunnel. I see no such light. What tears I cried are gone, and I forge ahead knowing who she is, what she has done and continues to do to me and our children.

There may be more scenes like this, but yes, soon enough they will be contradicted by more vile behavior, thus nullifying whatever humanity seems to show itself in a passing moment.

I am rising from my ashes.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXWW's birthday is this Sunday. I have told the kids "in case they want to so something for Mommy."

This is easy - and it's for your kids, not her. Do what they need to buy/make her a gift. They will feel guilty if they do not get her a gift and they cannot do this by themselves.

My husband's first wife cheated on him and married her AP. We always helped his daughter buy a gift for her mother, and by "helped" I mean provided the money and the shopping trip and some ideas if she needed them. Yes, we bought a gift for his cheating ex. It wasn't for the ex, it was for his daughter. She loved her mom and would have been crushed to have not had a gift to give her on her birthday and Christmas and Mother's Day. It's for the kids. Please do this.

[This message edited by sudra at 6:25 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1495 | Registered: Nov 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as her Bday goes....Do the kids have some of their own funds? If so encourage them to pool it, make a card, and get her something to show they care, and yes it's up to you to take them to the store.

This is the one thing about D that is really shitty, even after the deal is done. My Girlfriend has always taken her 2 to the store to get birthday, christmas, and fathers day gifts for their dad. He is a good dad, and the do a 50/50 split amicably, and she does it for the kids, not him. She is teaching them what is right.
The first Mothers day after their D she got NOTHING. I mean NOTHING. Not even an art project from school. Her parents didn't step in, it was awful. I felt horrible for her. Now her X or her parents, someone steps up and helps the kids get her something for those important days. Again it's about teaching the kids what is right.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the birthday advice. "I will do it for the kids" must be my mantra.

On another note, it looks like I will be staying home for Halloween while STBXWW goes trick or treating with the kids. They really want and expect me to at least be home.

I am concerned though that she will bring POS at least to the neighborhood party. She has no problem stooping that low. This I am not ready to bear--or at least "hold back" if he is in my presence.

Thus I will not take a chance on attending the party--where, BTW everyone resents her as they all know what she has done.

Chant: for the kids, for the kids...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't see any judge thinking that her bringing along POS during her time with the kids on Halloween is a good thing.

This is more rope, just let it go and let her hang herself. You realize she is making this easy for you don't you? Can you invite a friend or two over to sit with you that night?


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you invite a friend or two over to sit with you that night?

That's a good idea, SOM. But knowing STBXWW, she won't be arriving until late--just enough time to "do her duty" and then split, leaving the kids with me overnight.

And I have a therapy appointment from 8-9:30 PM, so I likely won't be in her presence for long. When I am, I plan to be outside, among many "witnesses."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

I just spoke with DS's psychologist following his most recent session (his mom never gives me a report, even though I have repeatedly asked her to) and I guess I just need some calming.

As I have indicated before, STBXWW has been bringing her boyfriend and our kids together. DD is us fazed as far as I know, but she is only six. DS, however, has been very upset following each meeting.

I am trying to just accept that this is the situation. I have no control over it. It was inevitable. I do have in my temporary orders (mediation this Friday) that my children not spend time with STXWW's boyfriend. But what can I do, you know? I don't know if this can be enforced and even if it can be, what is the point?

But again, what concerns me is DS's reaction. I have been careful not to say anything but my usual mantra to him after these meetings: "I love you, mommy loves you, you are not doing anything wrong."

I say nothing about the boyfriend. We both understand each other and what we are talking about.

He often asks me, "Do you have a girlfriend? Are you going to get one, get married?" Etc. To which I answer with the truth: "No, I don't; and all I care about right now is you and your sister."

I am sure he associates his mom having a boyfriend and me at some point having a girlfriend with an abandonment of him. So I am very conscientious of this.

His psychologist, however, is very nonchalant about it. When I explained the above, he seemed to,have no concern at all that this is much too early of his mom to be having her boyfriend around my DS. We are barely into the divorce, and DS knows we are still married. His psychologist said he told DS, "Well, if your mom has him as her boyfriend, I'm sure he is very nice, and if your dad ever has a girlfriend, well, that just means more love for you!"

I'm sorry, but am I way off when I say this just makes me sick? Look, again, I can't control his mother. But in my view, she is continuing to do him at least some degree of harm in this latest ongoing action.

I am so emotionally drained at this point I can't bring myself to push at mediation with a great deal of aggression this order--that she backs off with her boyfriend.

Any advice for me on how to cope with this? The blatant infidelity and all the ensuing horrors are still hard for me, of course, but now to see my son like this? Do I keep him away, or just concede the inevitable and echo his psychologist's (to me, nauseating) advice?

Thank you.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me that the therapist is working on helping your son come to terms with life in general, teaching resilience skills. These are the facts of your situation, your STBXW is dating someone else, is bringing him around the kids, and she is moving forward with her life. Now we can argue all day long about the lack of morals that she is presenting the kids and how her values don't match yours. No one here would argue that. But you are the one that was betrayed, your kids were betrayed by her. You can't help but react emotionally to it, but your therapist is there it help you/son get thru to the other side. How effective would they be if they got all caught up in your emotions? Not very.

Are you still seeing a therapist for yourself? I hope so. I spent 18 months with mine after D-day. I thank God for their level headedness while I was getting control of my emotions and my life. They called me on my "crazy", validated my feelings but did help me accept the fact of my situation.

What she is doing is horrible, you will get thru it.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, SBB, for your quick and wise reply. I know you are right. It is just so very hard. Just another part of this I have to muscle through.

Just had a bedtime talk with DS--he is so heartbreakingly sensitive--and really took time to talk to him about change, fear, courage, and the painful fact that there are just some things in life we can't control. He is very precocious and I never talk down to him.

I never found so many words to express to him the same thing: that I love him so much, and I know how hard this change of life is for him--but that he is so loved beyond words, and that his dad will never ever leave him and will always protect and take care of him.

I said nothing of his mom--never said a bad word about her and never will--and I hope he did not infer that his was intended as an implicit criticism of his mom. Just in case he might have taken it like that, I did remind him how much his mom loves him and his sister as well.

I said, "don't you see how much better I am doing? And smiled.

This seemed to really make the difference (he worries about me!) and he smiled and caressed my arm. I asked him if he felt better and he replied that he did. He has been through so much it just breaks my heart.

Moments like these just inspire me to be the very best dad I can under such trying circumstances.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wants sole responsibility for children's medical care, claiming I suffer from a medical disorder (Tourette's Syndrome) which hinder my ability to make rational decisions in the children's best interest.

(From my earlier post)

Now she is texting me asking my opinion on various pediatric psychiatrists, meds, etc. Doesn't quite jibe with someone who has just proclaimed "legally" in her counter petition that I am so disordered I lack the capacity to make rational decisions regarding children's medical needs.

(Yes, texts saved.)

Bam--self-inflicted foot wound.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bam--self-inflicted foot wound.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25707 | Registered: Aug 2011
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