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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have one piece of advice. Right now you are setting the tone for your new relationship with STBXWW. If you stand up for what you want now, you'll definitely get a huge temper tantrum. However, the longer you wait, the bigger the tantrums will get, over smaller and smaller issues.

She has no real weapon but your fear of her. Trust me, I was in a similar situation.


Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't 'cave' to CSTBXWW on this. Since your hearing is coming up, she probably wants to establish the schedule she wants as the 'status quo'. Do not let her railroad you into a schedule that doesn't work for you.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1453 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone,

I sent STBX a curt Email informing her that her schedule is acceptable, with one exception: I want the children with me one weekend. (The schedule is a two-week schedule.)

This way she will have them one weekend, and I will have them the other weekend. Pretty reasonable of me, I'd say, since I never have them on the weekends, having always conceded to her schedule dictates.

And this is what the judge will likely rule in my favor on anyway--that the kids will be with their dad on some weekends. So she needs to start getting used to this.

But yeah, she's gonna throw a tantrum. Maybe simply refuse. If she does, the attorneys can do their thing.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as I predicted, STBXWW is making noises against me taking DS to NYC for Thanksgiving vacation--even though I told her my desire to do this over a month ago and she never expressed any opposition.

(Documented)

So my attorney is being proactive and filing a motion that I be "permitted" to take him. STBX will throw a huge tantrum. Yay, my attorney.

No more bending over for me, thank you very much.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No more bending over for me, thank you very much.

Good. Continue to stand up for what you want and need as a parent. Sure, she will throw a fit as she gets used to these changes. Oh well. She doesn't get to call all of the shots anymore. I'm proud of you.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to go back a bit. Don't ever tell her you have plans, implying dating. She will use this to upset your son, whom you have already assured you don't have a GF. Don't give her ammunition to upset your DS.

Great you pushed for a weekend. She uses you as a weekday babysitter not recognizing your parental rights. Once again a judge should tell her she doesn't have the right to determine the schedule.
Also she doesn't want you and kiddos to enjoy the holiday weekend. She can't stand it when you do family things, because she can't control it. Time she learned.

I'm sure Nov 21 can't come soon enough. Stay the course.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2888 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure Nov 21 can't come soon enough. Stay the course.

Now it could end up being pushed to early December )the judge's next openings)as STBXWW is refusing to speak with her attorney until tomorrow afternoon to confirm a date. My attorney is pissed at her attorney.

I'll bet her new attorney (the one she JUST met last Friday and the second attorney she's been through) just loves his new client.

Thanks for your support!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder if CSTBXWW's boyfriend is going to like her using that strap-on on him? I mean now that you aren't allowing her to use it on you....

Seriously dude I have to totally agree with wonderpets here. The sooner you so no, and stick to your guns the easier it's gonna be down the road.

NYC for Thanksgiving? That sounds awesome!!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing great Dad. One question...any reason why you are planning on just taking DS, and not DD for the NYC weekend? Just curious, not meaning anything by the question.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question...any reason why you are planning on just taking DS, and not DD for the NYC weekend?

A few reasons:

The main reason for going was for my brother's wedding. (He lives here in Florida and he can't marry his partner of twenty years here, as it is not legal.) It'll be a small affair, I am the best man, and DD is just a little too young to sit through it.

Also, the two of them in NYC for five days will be a little much, as there is a lot of sibling rivalry right now.

In addition, it would of course cost more.

The other activities planned (museums for example) DD would be restless.

And DS has really taken all of this hard--so much more so than DD--and really would benefit from such a getaway.

And to be honest, I thought I'd be doing STBXWW a favor, as I was going to go anyway, and the two kids with her for five days? She would never survive.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She would never survive.

And that's a bad thing? JK, brother. Black humor. It would be terrible for the kids, regardless of what happened to her.

I'd push for the weekend also. It's going to be part of the ruling anyway so she needs to start getting used to the idea. Her work schedule does not take priority over the kids stability. Start setting the precedent so that when the judge rules, it will not be a huge disruption in their lives.

Quick suggestion. Schedule something with DD alone as well. If the sibling rivalry is already beginning, don't give them something to *hang their hat on*. Keep them *equivalent* in each others eyes.

Congratulations! Your brother must be so excited. Do him proud as his best man!


BH 50, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

+1 for getting the kids for the weekend. I have 50/50 custody. We alternate weeks with weeks starting and ending on Friday's. Our lawyer suggested it so both parents get some alone time and some kid time on weekends. It works out well for us so far and the kids get the weekend to adjust from the swap before heading to school on Monday.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1767 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can't stand it when you do family things, because she can't control it.

Exactly right. When we originally attempted to "discuss" the holiday arrangements, STBXWW said, "DS wants to have a 'Family 'Xmas.'"

I said No. Of course he does. But 1) it would be cruel and confusing to him. 2) YOU want a "Family Xmas" because YOU still want a quick slice of cake even though I closed the bakery. Again, No.

She is like a WW Superman, but her kryptonite is the word "No." All of this is about control--losing it, trying to assert, regain, maintain.

As the holidays approach she is getting more crazy. And this is only round one: I also told her I want to take BOTH kids on a ski trip over their (and my) Xmas break. I even offered to take them only during the week, when she is at work anyway.

No response to this at all--yet. Talk about loss of control? Both kids? But by then we will have our set schedule so hopefully she won't buck it too insanely.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also told her I want to take BOTH kids on a ski trip over their (and my) Xmas break. I even offered to take them only during the week, when she is at work anyway

Given all the weekend goings on that you find out about only after the fact (or when they implode), why bother to even mention what you're planning during YOUR time, on YOUR VACATION with YOUR kids??


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 641 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And DS has really taken all of this hard--so much more so than DD--and really would benefit from such a getaway.

I say this from experience - worry more about the quiet ones. Your son is telling you that he's taking it hard - that's great. Your daughter is taking it hard to, I'd guarantee. Don't mistake the silence, or not acting the same way as her brother, for being fine, though.

Btw, your wife is a total nitwit, but looking at it from a neutral perspective, everyone here would advise a fellow SIer to not let the spouse take a child out of state until custody orders are in place. She's probably received advice from her lawyer on just that.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids were are/were similarly age when the shit went down in my house. My ds was 7, my dd was 4 (now 11 and 8). My dd was soooooo much easier, my ds had LOTS of problems, mostly misplaced anger that turned into aggression at his age. But over and over, my son's therapist warned me that my dd needs as much help and understanding and will likely have more problems in the future when she is old enough to process the situation with more understanding.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1223 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your daughter is taking it hard to, I'd guarantee. Don't mistake the silence, or not acting the same way as her brother, for being fine, though.

Thank you, TNG. Your point is well-taken, and I have indeed been thinking about this lately. I mustn't assume that just because she is six and has a very "jolly" disposition (compared with her pensive, sensitive brother) that this has not affected her.

After reading your post last night, I put her to bed. As I was lying with her, I thought I'd say the same thing I always say to my son when he is clearly upset, and see what her reaction would be:

"I love you so much, and I will never, ever, ever leave you. I will always be your Daddy and I will always be here to protect you."

Sure enough, she reacted strongly: gave me a LONG, HUGE meaningful hug." She was clearly relieved. I was moved, as this is unlike her.

Thank you again, everybody. This is so hard...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD, its been a while but I can see that you are handling all of this trauma with dignity and strength. Your kids are lucky to have you as a father.

I just wanted to chime in on the DD and DS issues. If I remember your kids are similar ages to mine (or at least when it all went down with me). My DS is sensitive and DD is a happy-go-lucky/ force of nature kind of girl. However in the almost three years since chaos broke out in her house she is now starting to process things more. At first it was all DS expressing what he is feeling, but now I am starting to see DD opening up, and I am encouraging her to do so. She was just too young when it happened, but she's getting more aware now. Keep an eye on your DD - she will need you just as much as DS. I guarantee it.

keep going mate - you are doing a great job in shitty circumstances. Its inspiring to se how far you have come. It really is

V


Divorced

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No hearing date set for Temporary Relief. STBX met with her attorney and refused to commit to ANY of the judge's rapidly-closing half-hour time slots: November 21, December 3, 4,5.

This likely because of her job: she does not know her schedule past one week at a time. My attorney is pissed.

So the hell will continue.

Thoughts?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Employers will let you go to court with documentation. Do they know she is getting divorced? If they do, then they will expect her to have court dates. Or, she is just being a plain old B^&@#. Her types don't like submitting to authority or being made accountable.

What does your attorney have today about it and what can she do to force the issue?


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 736 | Registered: Feb 2011
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