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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GMA,

Are you sure he is ill or just in need of more $.

I would think it would be easy to fake it, I don't even think there would be any scars show for the surgery.

FYI, I never thought this way about anyone until infidelity hit me.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 588 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt

I can tell you what I saw when the mask slipped. Rage. Pure evil. Hatred so deep and frightening, people would actually step back and stammer, then do what he wanted, just to avoid the outcome they saw on his face. He is the angriest person I've ever known. And when the mask slipped, he got "The Look." That was even scarier than the dead shark eye look.

It was the precursor to an all-out rage fest where someone was going to get hurt. Whenever I saw it, I knew he'd been pushed too far, and was planning annihilation for whoever "caused" it. Because he never accepted that he'd brought it on himself. Oh, no. It was always someone else who did it.

After reading this I felt my heart rate begin to increase. It is exactly why I don't want to be in the same room with him. I saw that "Look" a few times over the years and it scared me more than I can see. It makes me realize why I am so afraid of him. I don't know what he is capable of.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 277 | Registered: Jul 2012
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DANGIT! I had my post all done, and hit a wrong button. Grrrrr!

Gma, I forgot to say that I feel for DSS. That must have been horrible. I hope that Karma Bus is rolling hard and fast.

Elaine, just keep your eyes on the prize and push the fear back every time. I have been and still am learning to do that, and have shorter and shorter reaction times these days. I still have the initial fear reaction, but it's followed by a surge of strength and fight, now. Even the fear itself isn't as strong and sharp as it used to be.

Once you become less afraid, you start taking away their power. It's a good feeling.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GMA, I'm sorry your DSS is in such an awkward position. Poor guy.

Is your NPD better with animals than people?

We had a dog when we were first married. When we had to put him down, he cried like a baby. I'd never seen him so emotionally upset...

And I've never seen it since! Not when his grandparents passed and not when his own father passed away. I cried more when his father died than he did.

It's very odd looking back in retrospect.

he got "The Look."

Oh, yeah. I know exactly what look you're talking about. A look like they're out of their minds with rage. And I think mine actually was at times literally out of his mind. He would get that look and manhandle the kids, and when I would comment about him needing to go apologize (or point out that marks were left on little arms )he would emphatically insist that he hadn't touched him/her.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7621 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex wanted the dog more than he wants the kids.
He makes a point of fussing over the dog when he comes to pick up the girls. He picks him up and cuddles him.

Yep, more interested in the dog.

I got the look of disgust when he told me that he would take the kids away from me and I dropped to my knees hyterically crying and begging him not to do it.
He looked at me with "the look" and said, "Be quiet, do you want the neighbours to call the police?"
It was scary and chilling and I realized I had seen it before.

I beat myself up a lot. More so lately in IC about this very fact. He showed me beneath the mask several times. It just happened when he had been drinking a lot and I put it down to him being drunk.
He told me he was an asshole and I should stay far, far away from him once when he was drunk and we had just come home from a party. I had no experience with dating, relationships, alcohol anything.
I was desperate to make it work and I kick myself for seeing it all so clearly as abuse now when it's too late for me and for the kids.
That is why IC is so important to me right now.
I don't have any illusions that I will ever have another relationship. He was the first and the only and it happened when I was 31 and resigned to becoming a 21st century old maid.
I was ripe for the picking.
I have to forgive myself for that I guess.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(9)
WS: Him 49 (X...together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, he moved out Sept. 11, 2011...
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
I'm finding that I am growing more and more fond of his absence.

Posts: 1223 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure he is ill or just in need of more $.
I don't know for sure but DSS questions this also. I do know Dr wanted to remove his prostate 6-7 yrs ago but he refused. He had problems since then so who knows. I don't know what DSS will decide to do. I gave my biased opinion.

[This message edited by gma56 at 3:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, am I sad to have to join this group :/ Pretty sure FWH is also BPD, or at least have many/most of the traits, although high functioning.

Anyone ever watched any of these videos? They're hilarious in a f*cked up sad kind of way

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=maSXmdAFK4I&feature=relmfu


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Housefulloflove
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Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's something I'm trying to convey, here, but I can't quite put it into words. It went beyond pride or happiness... it was dark, malevolent, scary. That secondary Look was almost or maybe more scary than The Look itself.

Your description is spot on. I got little bitty glimpses of that look over the years. I mostly got the "dead fish" or "dead shark" eyes where it looked (and felt!) like he mentally left the planet.

But that evil "look"..I'll never forget it. It was a couple of days after I told him to leave. He came over to visit the kids, we put the kids to bed together and I tried to talk to him about what was going on. I remember telling him over and over that I loved him and despite what happened I wanted to go to counseling so we could try to make it work. We were standing in front of a mirror and I was looked at his face directly and through the mirror and I swear his eyes were oozing pure evil and hatred! They were squinted almost shut with a stone-cold expression and you would have thought I had murdered his mother with the way he looked at me. But it was also mixed with pride. Like he was looking down on some groveling peasant. He was angry that I finally stood up for myself and told him that he couldn't lay in our bed and live in our home while openly cheating in my face. But it was still like.. how dare *I* think I was worthy of his respect or love after what *I* did to someone so superior to myself. But at the moment all I could think was "what did I do?" and wondered how he could feel like I was in the wrong for not being OK with him having sex with another woman while I was at home crying and KNOWING what he was doing.

I couldn't understand where the anger was coming from. He hurt me and yet *HE* is raging at me or giving me silence and evil looks when I said I still loved him. It felt like I was going insane because things were suddenly so backwards but now I know it was the *real* him. It was all the nasty, mean-spirited, evil shit in him that he hides behind the Mr. Nice Guy mask. But kicking him out (and I later found out his fantasyland with OW was self-destructing at the same time) was such a huge "narcissistic injury" that it temporarily knocked that mask completely off.

I'll never forget it. It's him. The REAL him. Many of his confusing and hurtful actions over all these years matches that face. His words match his mask. I couldn't understand why the man I thought he was would do the things he was doing, but that face...THAT was a glimpse of the man who was doing these things and the man who even today is totally unapologetic for doing it.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see so many post on this site about all the great memories in their marriage and how things must have gone wrong. I kind of feel like a loser, because I don't have any fond memories. The one or two that I had H ruined because he did the same things with his AP. His courting MO if you will. I am on a bit of a pity party looking back and I can say, hey it all makes sense why I always felt like the forgotten soup can in the cupboard, lonely and depressed. He always kissed me goodnight and told me that he loved me (usually because he so badly wanted me to repeat it back to him), but I honestly and truly never felt loved. It explains all the confusion that I had for so long. The confusion of his face value of telling me he loved me, but never treating me like he loved me.

I am hoping that this may make sense to all of you.

I also realize that part of me stuck it out for so long because my FOO really wasn't loving either. They are now, but my parents ended in D... so there was a lot of anger and tension and parental PD.

I so badly wanted to be loved. Loved for just being me. What I got was someone that saw my weakness and used it against me. He took every kindness and every good quality in me and used it against me.

My IC says he loved me in his own way. To me, he didn't love ME. He loved the fact that he could lie to me and manipulate me and use my love for him against me so that he could get away with whatever he wanted.

This hurts me so deeply and it makes me feel utterly worthless. I pray that God really had a reason for me on this earth. I really pray that there is someone out there that is kind and good and will really love me and appreciate me. BUT...I would rather be alone than be with the sorry POS I have been married to. Life is too short to be with someone like that. The kind of person that makes you hate your own skin, because of their problems.

I cry every time I see him. I would rather that I never have to see him again. Ever. It just hurts too much.

Sorry to be such a baby. I just needed to get that off my chest.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
gma56
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Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((brokenandconfused))

He loved the fact that he could lie to me and manipulate me and use my love for him against me so that he could get away with whatever he wanted
Believe me when I say you aren't alone. Everyone of us here can say the same. It's a special kind of hell to realize what a NPD is and the fact you were married to them. It hard to forgive ourselves for not seeing the NPD for who they really are. We all ignored red flags but because of their sweet talk.

That still makes me sick thinking of all his bullshit he said to me so I could be hooked into his NPD web. I had 27 yrs with FT before I found out !

I pray that God really had a reason for me on this earth
I guarantee God didn't send the POS to you.In fact he was probably screaming, "Don't fall for that liar !"

You can move beyond the pain, open wounds will become scars,and you can have a wonderful life NPD free. Promise it will get better the more work you put into healing yourself.
Hugs
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 6:02 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The look, it's so hard to describe because it's so many things at once. I've seen it hundreds of times over the last 10 years, but it no longer scares me.

It's a look of hatred, absolute blame, pure disgust. It's not a look of 'I want to hurt you' more of 'I want to inhihalate you, make you disappear'. But at the same time it's a look so devoid of emotions at all, evil and soulless...if looks could kill, I would have dead a long, long time ago.

((Brokenandconfused)) You're not a baby, we've all felt/feel the same way, it's only human. We're good people who crossed paths with great lying manipulators. I'm sure my FWS could smell my personality from a mile away, I was an easy target.

Like gma56 said, work on youGod does have another purpose for you!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you would have thought I had murdered his mother with the way he looked at me. But it was also mixed with pride. Like he was looking down on some groveling peasant.

Many of his confusing and hurtful actions over all these years matches that face. His words match his mask. I couldn't understand why the man I thought he was would do the things he was doing, but that face...THAT was a glimpse of the man who was doing these things and the man who even today is totally unapologetic for doing it.

Housefull, you nailed it. The man I finally realized I was married to, that's the man behind the mask. But even more than that, the first quote is what I was trying to convey, I think. There was not just pride, but a superiority in that secondary Look. The rage in The Look, when his mask would slip initially, was scary. But that second one, the one that really showed his true nature, who he is at his core... that one is the most frightening of all.

It showed that there is nothing behind the mask but evil and hate, pride and lust, and all the worst a human can be. Nothing good at all.

ETA: Brokenandconfused, you are not a baby at all. We all fear our N's. Some get over or past it, but not everyone. I think it says more about who they are than who we are. Don't be down on yourself about that. The strongest person can feel fear.

And ETA: Opus, you nailed the look, too.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 6:03 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
stillstrong
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Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a book about NPD and the best description that stuck with me is that it is a 2yr old that is stuck into adulthood. How do 2yr olds act when they want to get their way?

My IC recently said the same sort of thing. Picture NPD as a child throwing a tantrum demanding that *we* love them.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome BrokenandConfuse!

I pray that God really had a reason for me on this earth. I really pray that there is someone out there that is kind and good and will really love me and appreciate me

God does have a reason for you to be here, and there is someone to be kind and good and love you.

That person is YOU!!

I now all of us in the tribe are survivors. Most of us had our self love shattered by these souls sucking manipulators.

I needed help to find and love myself again. IC, Alanon, books like "Women That Love to Much" and SI all were tools that helped me, love me.

Loving yourself, in my opinion has to come first. Otherwise, as the saying around here goes....broken attracts broken.


Dont get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.

Posts: 2339 | Registered: Jan 2010
Abbondad
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Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your description is spot on. I got little bitty glimpses of that look over the years. I mostly got the "dead fish" or "dead shark" eyes where it looked (and felt!) like he mentally left the planet.

Wow, Housefull,

Your post shook me, as you were describing my STBXWW to a tee. I also got "the look" many time. Very frightening. It was almost always in response to my expressing to her how much pain she was causing me. It appeared when I begged her to stop destroying our family, our children, all that we built. This was the cold, hateful mask.

The "dazed" mask came on when I asked her to please, for a minute, try to imagine if I were doing to her what she was doing to me. In other words, I tried to elicit empathy. She looked bewildered, like a dog does when they cock their head trying to understand human language. She was/is simply incapable of empathy.

Scary.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1445 | Registered: Dec 2012
sad81712
♀ New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone on this thread that is in reconciliation with a NPD? My WH is a N but I feel he really is trying to change his N ways. He has grown a lot this past year. It's been hard....anyone else in this boat?

[This message edited by sad81712 at 3:36 PM, August 30th (Friday)]



Dday 8/12
false R 8/13
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your H been diagnosed with NPD?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too got that look a few times!!! I actually prefer it! I'd rather he was clearly a wolf than a wolf in disguise with all sweetness and kind words - THAT is what scares me more. I think "Oh no, what does he want? what manipulation is coming next". The death stare is honest, harmless, and makes me feel more powerful since he can't manipulate me (anymore).

(just an FYI as an alert if your N does the same: since his death stare doesn't work on me he resorted to other tactics an hour later. Which did ruffle me for about 15 minutes but then I was okay... and it's only taken 2 years! last year I would have been upset all day!! yeah me!)


Sad81 - I D rather than reconciled but there are recommendations from Sam Vaknin about how to navigate that relationship. Best of luck


Posts: 405 | Registered: Jun 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This
Many of his confusing and hurtful actions over all these years matches that face. His words match his mask.
is deep.

It is echoed with
"I'd rather he was clearly a wolf than a wolf in disguise with all sweetness and kind words"

Writing words is a soundless action. For me. For my healing.
I hear them now. Inside.

Believing others' words come naturally to people who believe their own.

An aside and a caution:
Take Sammy with a huge grain of salt. No, make that a mountain, with rolling boulders and stuff.
He's driven, as in compelled - to be perceived as the world's leading authority on this.

Re R with an N.
I know of no single instance where the supply is not relegated to a lifetime of doormat status.
In short, no. Not if you want to be a whole human being.

(but I don't know everything now do I? - so take it with a grain of salt )


Posts: 5980 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believing others' words come naturally to people who believe their own.

So true! I find it hard to understand how a person can be consistently dishonest. Words come easy when they are true and from the heart but it takes SO MUCH effort to lie and keep up a persona that is opposite of who I am.

I always thought that if a person's story doesn't change it's likely true. But dealing with an NPD and learning how to identify the other NPD's in my life (like my father) has changed that. Now I know that there are people who want to believe so badly in something that isn't true that they believe it themselves until it no longer serves whatever purpose they have for telling and living that lie. A narc believes his own lies and can tell/live it quite convincingly as long as it's getting him or her what they want (control, attention, admiration, sex, money, etc.) It's really sick.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
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