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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, since he does not know he is NPD, and had probably never even heard of the word 'supply', is he being nice deliberately in order to manipulate me, or is it possible he's doing it all unconsciously?

For an NPD their ability to manipulate is on "auto-pilot" on a constant basis. They don't even think about it. Their only focus is themselves, their needs and their immediate gratification. And they are usually looking for the easiest path.

As the others have pointed out, an NPD is like a lion looking for prey with a limp.

Don't be the prey with a limp.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:13 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
anewhaven
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply, Sadtoo. You're right - the focus is only on themselves. Today is our son's birthday. I have emailed him Happy Birthday, texted him, and called him. Mr Anewhaven has not even remembered. Unbelievable.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anewhaven, please go No Contact. It equals no new hurts.
Please. Stop trying to do all the work for him, keep detaching

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
GrowingPains
♀ Member
Member # 18323
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - I'm totally new to this concept.

I saw our MC alone yesterday and shared with him the latest DD.

This would start our 5rd round of MC to deal with what has now become a compulsion to seek inappropriate female attention.

After a candid 45 minutes, our Psychologist says that he thinks WS has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He explained the markers - my H has most of them. I hate labeling but this just makes SO MUCH SENSE.

WS doesn't have empathy so there's no conscience stopping him from trying to pickup women. He has told me that he didn't consciously send the inappropriate messages (this last time)... geez.

I feel less angry being able to put a 'name' to what is causing the behaviour. But I'm also really scared because from what I read last night, it's a mental health issue and MC said it's hard to treat.

H is going to MC alone on Friday alone and is going to refer him to a specialist on personality disorders.

H is so remorseful and says he'll do anything to 'fix this'. (H hasn't yet been told the 'N' word - he's not going to take it well since he hates my father because of my father's NPD traits. How ironic!)

I'm interested to know how many NPD people are better after therapy and is R realistic?


Me BS 38 : WH 41
Parents of 2 beautiful children...

D Day 1 - Dec,2007, on a rocky road of reconciliation for 6 years with boundaries broken repeatedly.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Feb 2008
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GrowingPains,

I think it would depend on how far on the spectrum your NPD is. In order to R, I think it would also depend on how much you are willing to put up with? What is your line in the sand? Don't tell him, but be aware of that line for your own sanity.

My experience with NPD is that they can change (like a chameleon) but those changes are surface changes only, Like a chameleon the changes are only skin deep. Deep down they are still the same person doing the same (similar things) to get the control they NEED to have in order to feel secure in the relationship.
I'm not saying it isn't possible, but my experience with the N's in my life, haven't shown that to be possible. But then my N's don't think there is anything wrong with them....it's me that has something wrong.

Good Luck,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
GrowingPains
♀ Member
Member # 18323
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Kajem,

I am hoping that H is on the light end of the spectrum and that therapy will help.


Me BS 38 : WH 41
Parents of 2 beautiful children...

D Day 1 - Dec,2007, on a rocky road of reconciliation for 6 years with boundaries broken repeatedly.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Feb 2008
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got this email from XH yesterday:

I'm not sending this to be mean. I have no interest in being mean to you. You act like you think that's all I do - but that is described in this article. It says these people feel persecuted. I looked up synonyms for persecute in the thesaurus.
The first verb listed was "harass". It says these people will try to make legal trouble Rather than communicate. It says a lot of very interesting things.
I don't expect you to waste your time on it, and if you read it, you will just dismiss it. It says these people do that too. These aren't my words. This is written by a phd in psych.
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/12/communication-and-functional-sociopath.html?m=1

My XH refuses to leave me alone. It's like he's obsessed with telling me what's wrong with me. He demands communication but I won't engage unless it's about DD. I haven't spoken to him face to face in over two years and he can't stand it.

[This message edited by SkeerdButHopeful at 4:37 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course he is not being mean, they are never mean.

But what does this article have to do with your DD? I didn't read it or even find it. If it is anything like the ones my XH sent me.. it has everything to do with what is wrong with you and nothing to do with your DD.

He deserves no response from you. He didn't ask a question regarding your DD that needs answering... this is a ploy to engage. Don't engage eventually the madness will stop.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's projecting. Very common with NPD's. He's accusing you of being a sociopath.

Interesting thing about this article is that the focus is on trying to get "these people to communicate." Really? Why would anyone want to have communication with a sociopath? Weird.

Anyway, your NPD sounds like a control freak (again typical) and he's busy Googling ways to make you talk to him. Someone (maybe you) mentioned he may be NPD, so now he has assigned the label to you.

Kayjem is right. IGNORE. IGNORE. Ignore.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here, Growingpains. Unfortunately NPD is generally regarded as rather untreatable. Usually NPDs refuse treatment or refuse to cooperate with treatment because they do not see that anything is wrong with them. It's everyone else (including you) who has the issues. I wish I could be more positive for you, and perhaps the MC is wrong about him, but the advice generally given here is to run far and fast from NPDs.

skeered, how very amusing that he is accusing you of being a sociopath. Now NC makes us sociopaths, does it?

Crickets is the answer to his email, of course.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now NC makes us sociopaths, does it?

WB2
That's what I thought!! Reading the article, I kept thinking, "WTF??" It's like it was written by an NPD or something. Or somene completely obsessed with trying to communicate with someone who obviously HATES them. Who does that? Oh! I know!

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:42 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

someone completely obsessed with trying to communicate with someone who obviously HATES them. Who does that? Oh! I know!

w2 - a thought @ "making us sociopaths"
Maybe weird, but why not?
NC = silent treatment
Detach = not "caring" anymore, not invested in their lives or emotions: someone I used to know/walmart checker

negative (NPD)
X
negative (us becoming "temporarily sociopathic" for our own survival)
equals what my peeps?
POSITIVE

"Win!"


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

us becoming "temporarily sociopathic" for our own survival

Taking a page out of their own playbook = win for us.

For us it's a protective defensive mechanism that serves us well in this situation.

I suppose for them it's the same defense mechanism but on super-steroids. Perhaps it served them well when they were being damaged as children? But now permanently deployed, it prevents them from having "normal" human interactions.

I am currently enjoying a peaceful period of several weeks of silence from my NPD. Yet, as I have been conditioned to do, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I always feel like he must be plotting something when it gets quiet like this.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am currently enjoying a peaceful period of several weeks of silence from my NPD. Yet, as I have been conditioned to do, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I always feel like he must be plotting something when it gets quiet like this.
Though I'm not married to or divorcing the NPDs in my life, I can totally relate to this!! Just waiting for that rug to come flying out from under your feet again... Yep. Totally get it.

In my case, the NPDs are my MIL and SILs. *I'm* NC, but H hasn't reached a point where he can accept that his mom is NPD. He has always accepted it about his sisters, but he has trouble with his mom because he can't accept that she's not really capable of love. It's heartbreaking to watch because he's attached to his sisters as long as he's in contact with his mom and one of them is pure evil and will do whatever it takes to hurt him. I just stay NC and I'll be here to help catch him when that rug goes flying out from under him again. *I'm* totally expecting it. Something usually happens around the holidays. *sigh*


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His childhood and adulthood BFF, who I haven't heard from since 1995, has looked at my profile on LinkedIn. Ex-fiance is blocked, as is everyone in his family who viewed my profile over the years. And now this friend, who once told me the solution to the problems in my relationship with the NPD would be "a handy plane crash." Like attracts like, apparently.

It has been 18 years.

I'm so tired.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Threnody)))

Block this one, too, then keep on going with your life.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw Then, chin up lass! In truth, you really won the prize:
You AND Mr. T!

My hat's off to you both, & I'll be hoisting one of these soon for you both, once acl clears out


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dammit, y'all!! I just stepped in it big time!

OK- catching up, so nobody has to go back through and try to figure out what I'm talking about: My BIL is a wounded warrior and he's married to my NPD SIL (golden child), D of my NPD MIL. I am NC with SIL and MIL, but I'm in contact with BIL through FB.

Tonight, BIL posted a picture on FB and I commented that he looked happy and asked where he was. He replied that he was in TN with friends for the 4-day weekend.

Welllllllll... I was under the impression that MIL was watching their kids this weekend, so SIL could go to the same city in TN. So, I sent him a PM asking if he'd seen her. He said, "No, why?", and I told him I thought MIL had the kids.

He called her and she said that she'd canceled at the last minute and taken the kids camping.

He believes her. I don't.

He said he thought it was sad that I didn't talk to them and I told him that it had been going on forever, but stopped short of telling him a LOT of the strife with us was about the way he's treated.

So, I'm afraid I'm about to be punished by MIL and SIL.

I learned a lot that I didn't previously know in that conversation, though. Like he has a traumatic brain injury. I knew he almost died (about ten times over) when he was injured in Iraq, but nobody EVER mentioned the TBI or the accompanying PTSD. So, I'm a little pissed about that.

I also learned that he sings and has some big stuff happening around that. He has been my BIL for 20 years, y'all, and I didn't know that!! I asked him why I didn't know that and he said that SIL was always putting him down, telling him he can't sing, AND telling him he was ugly (<<THAT is pure projection!! Oh, how I wish I could post a pic of her, so you could see!), so he got really insecure and none of us were ever told that he could sing.

I think we were able to clear some things up, though, and we've taken some steps to eliminate some of the triangulation that goes on. So, it was a good conversation with HIM, but I'm afraid they're going to make me pay for this.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC means NC, right? Even in public, is it ok to respond with crickets?

I rarely see my X but did today. No children were around. He said, "It's good to see you." I didn't say anything; just looked at him with no expression. My friends that I was with know enough of what he did to want to punch him in the mouth, so I'm not worried about what they think.

But, is that how NC works, when you run into the ass? Or should I be "polite"? I don't really care if he thinks it is good to see me, and it sure as hell wasn't good to see him.

Just looking for feedback.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented, I think your response was just perfect.

Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
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