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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I should have sent this email first. XH claims I caused his financial ruin, but I know better. I remember when we were married. He spent about $500 a month on cigarettes, pot, and alcohol. When he ran out of money, he manipulated me into giving it to him. And I remember his stance on paying the bills--he just didn't believe in it. I had to kill myself trying to find the money to do it. Once he quit his job and let me work on in addition to teaching so he could sit home on his ass. I had to file bankruptcy. The most humiliating day ever. Anyway, here's one of many of his ridiculous emails:


"I'm going to ask you again
And I'm asking nicely. I'm not trying to be ugly...I need you to start covering DD with health insurance. I am homeless. For the last 2 years dd has cost me $1000/month.
400 in support. 200 in insurance, 100 a weekend and the difference in a 1 br and 2 br apartment. I work my butt off and all I have to show for it is nothing. If you can afford to take vacations and live -----, you should be able to cover a little more. I shouldn't be homeless. I work, and I work hard and I'm good at what I do. Almost every cent I make goes to cover dd. I literally starve because I can't afford food. Maybe my view on Christianity is wrong, but I don't think there is anything Christian about living large while putting someone on the street to do it. I shouldn't have to pay as much as I do just to make it so you can live better. There should be some fairness in this. Putting me in a situation where I can't even afford to have someone to take my child is not fair. And it hurts your child. I've said that for years now. I don't deserve this. All I want is to be a good daddy.
That's all. I shouldn't have all the financial burden. I have been telling you all of this for over 2 years. And you've ignored me.Now it's happened just like I said it would.You can't be thinking of your daughter to refuse to take on some of this burden."


Oh and let me add that I work two jobs to make it. He won't get an extra job because he has dd two weekends a month. He claims he can't get a better decent job because *i* "got him in trouble" with those two harassment charges.

[This message edited by SkeerdButHopeful at 9:05 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add this. XH tries to manipulate his mom too because she has cut him off. She bought him a car two months ago. The understanding was that he would pay her back. now he's behind two payments and on the insurance. Since she cut him off, he has treated her like crap. She told me she had to get on Valium to deal with him:

Here's his email to his mom:

You can have the car. I can't get to my next call because I'm out of gas and I'm going to lose my job. I got out of my apartment. So I'm homeless. I've been saying that was going to happen for 2 years. Now I'm going to be jobless and carless . And because the first thing you always say "I can't imagine where your money goes - here is where my money has gone...
My rent last month cost me $1300 in late fees and legal fees because I didn't take my 401k money out to take care of rent and moving like I said I should do. The rest went to gas and uhaul and I foolishly spent $25 on food 3 weeks ago. Your new car is parked at the McDonald's at the ___ exit on ____. Enjoy.

Then he sent this to her:

All my stuff is in my. storage unit. When you get it, Sell it and use whatever you get for it to help you live a nice comfy life. The key will be on the keyring for the car. I give up. Despite whatever you think, I have done the best I could. I've sat at home alone like a prisoner for the last 2 years. Nothing I did to xwife, or anyone else deserves this. Nothing.
I give up.


He probably owes his mom about $100k from all the unpaid loans over the years (cars she has paid for, attorney fees for his first child he didn't want to pay CS on, groceries, rent. The list goes on and on.). Yes, she's an enabler.

Somehow he had the money to stay in a hotel with DD over the weekend...and to take her to the fair.

[This message edited by SkeerdButHopeful at 9:18 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 781 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skeerd, the answer to his email is *crickets*. Not your problem.

He needs this


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,

My Aunt used to say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I think your response was perfect.


Skeered, When wondering if I should respond to XH, I used the "did he ask a question that needs to be answered regarding kids or finances?" test. If his emails contained a question re kids or finances, I answered just THAT question. Otherwise he got nothing from me.

It was so much easier to deal with them that way.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is long! It's not easy D a NPD. Thanks in advance for any input!

As part of D the house is going to be sold. Over the years he let the house fall into disrepair (he does have a new Harley though) and now there are several things that could be done to make the house more profitable.

Below is the verbiage that he wants to use for the sale of the house.

The house sale proceeds would be paid as follows: From the sale price would be first deducted, cost of sale, payment of mortgage balance, reimburse Mr. "opposing" for reduction in the principle balance from March 15, 2013, (listed on Asset balance sheet) to the date of sale, Mr. "opposing" will not pursue his non-marital interest (which he had no proof of anyway)in the house, each party will be reimbursed for any out of pocket costs for repairs to the house made to get it ready for sale that are agreed upon or approved by Realtor and both home depot charge cards will be paid in full. From the remaining balance, each party will receive . From Mr. "opposing's" one-half, he will pay your client the sum of $XXXX as a property settlement equalizer payment.

However neither one of us has money to put into the repairs. He lives in the house and is attempting to do some of these "repairs" there are several things in progress. He has started several projects and then just walks away from one unfinished one to the next thing he thinks should be fixed all of which are incomplete. Right now its not only dirty (housecleaning wasn't ever on his list of things to do) but the state of disrepair has gotten worse.

Keeping in mind that yesterday I told my L I am going to go to trial and neither one of us has money for that let alone making these recommendations to the house. I could use some input on wording to him. Background: Hard NC since Aug 2012 with only 2 emails about the sale of the home. I want to send an email to "opposing" stating my position about what a Realtor "suggested". After speaking with a contractor he gave me some estimates on what this could all cost.

After looking over the list of recommendations I question if all of these recommendations are necessary to put the house on the market to sell. Is the return going to be worth what is spent?

I have consulted with a contractor who gave me some ideas of what these recommendations could cost. I also believe a contractor should be doing the work since the work needs to be done properly. [Several years ago he installed french doors which need at the very least to be adjusted most likely replaced hence needing to use a contractor.]

Replace the garage door. 1200-to 1500 for the door install would add more.

Materials for the front door could run upwards of 600 with the installation adding more to the cost.

An estimate to install the front foyer flooring properly would run approximately $10. a
square foot. (most materials have been purchased)

A stove and hood range could cost 800 up. This is one that I think I would agree to.

To replace the patio door could run 1900 + upwards of 700 to install.

The concrete apron could run 1200 to 1500. Not sure if this would even be worth doing.

The window most likely would have to be replaced since fixing one pane on an old window [25 years] might not be cost effective if it could even be done. Replacing a window could run 2000 to 3000. + installation. I have another contractor who I could ask about pricing for this.

It seems to me that decluttering and cleaning the house and putting it on the market would be the a better option. We could then see what an inspector would recommend and what a buyer would accept. It might be better to adjust the asking price so a buyer could make these repairs themselves. These recommendations are only recommendations and I believe a second opinion would be appropriate.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Funny  Posted: 10:46 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had a FT encounter for almost a year.
Today I get a call from FT. (he's back in town)He needed dates and location of our marriage/divorce. He's getting a visa for his new baby. Guess I was in a good mood and gave the info.
He couldn't remember where we got married, he thought we went to Nevada. I started laughing so much I could barely talk but finally I said, no wrong wife...that was his 1st marriage ! Then he said No it wasn't, it was us. I said I wasn't going to settle for a quicky wedding back then so we had a wedding in the our backyard and honeymoon in Hawaii. Same place we met, we married, Fucktard ! (yes I called him fucktard) I had to throw the quicky Nevada wedding remark in because 1 or 2 days after our divorce was final he took Twat to Nevada and got married again.

Sometimes it's fun just to fuck with them.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elaine,
Does he have an attorney? Or is this his idea of how he wants things done? Either way, don't respond and give his "proposal" to your attorney and have him/her deal with it.

My XNPDH was notorious for sending me these ridiculous proposals along with a narrative about how "the judge told him" this is how it needs to be handled.

It was all bullshit lies.

Do not trust your STBXNPDH. I know your first thought is it will cost more to run everything through your attorney. But it will really cost you more if you don't.

Continue maintaining NC


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it will really cost you more if you don't.

Agree X 10!

I wonder how many caulk guns are lying around that place?


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo the wording in quotes is from his L. The list is from a Realtor "suggesting" things that could fixed to make it easier to sell. I have to do a better job of using my L for this kind of thing. I am going to have my L put a stop to any changes until it is agreed upon between us. He is running up more on a CC we had a joint Home Depot card which I canceled after I heard he was going to do some changes to the house. He then opened one in his name and is expecting me to be on the hook for that card since he is using it on the house. He figured out a long time ago how this should all work out. Except he didn't figure I would stand up for myself and find my strength to oppose his antics.

jjct I do a walk through every so often since I haven't moved my big items out of the house. I was in the basement and I found a stash of caulk cans and the gun one loaded and ready to go. Confirmed my diagnosis of NPD! I'm sure there some to be found in the garage!

Gma you were nice I don't think I could even speak with "opposing". As it is he doesn't know how old he is he told the mediator he is a year younger than he is! The mediator said it wasn't his job to correct him. And he has my birth date wrong on the paperwork from his L.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of "stopping" his idiot money spending antics, can you have your L draft a document that says

Elaine will not pay any percentage of money spent on the improvement of the marital home after date xyz. The two parties have no agreement on the upkeep of the home. Any money spent by "opposing" after date xyz will remain wholly and entirely as "opposing's" debt and will not be assigned to or accepted as marital debt related to the sale of the home.

I don't know if it would work but it might? And it might work in that NPD might believe it. You cannot tell them what to do. How many times have I heard that toddler tantrum assertion from the idiot I divorced??

eta: omg, the typos...

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 12:11 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And NO WAY I would agree to pay both HIS Home Depot charge cards. For all you know, you could be paying for crap for his new place.

I would agree to pay 1/2 for a clean up service and call it good. Sell the place "as is".


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you caregiver9000 >>> I like this idea. As far as I can tell he thinks I should cover half because I'm going t benefit from a higher selling price.

Elaine will not pay any percentage of money spent on the improvement of the marital home after date xyz. The two parties have no agreement on the upkeep of the home. Any money spent by "opposing" after date xyz will remain wholly and entirely as "opposing's" debt and will not be assigned to or accepted as marital debt related to the sale of the home.

No you can't "tell" them anything because they are so much smarter than anyone else.

sadtoo back in May when we had our ENE I said that I agreed to sell the house "as is". Knowing that it needs so much work. It's not worth all the expense to fix it now. Until we sell the house everything that is/was proposed in mediation is only as good as the paper it was written on.
Meanwhile he racks up more bills which will reduce the bottom $$ that we can get from selling.

He has had use of the house and most of the furnishing that was acquired during the marriage. Which I left due to the toxic environment. So I've been put out of my house. While I live with someone (which I'm so thankful for) and don't have any of my own things due to having one room. I can't afford to rent and if he pays me what was proposed in the pretrial then I'm screwed and will be renting a room from someone for several years until I do something to further my earning power.

ETA: to clarify my thoughts.

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 4:47 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NPD survivors I'm here to join you. I remember seeing somewhere probably here on SI there is a great book about recovering after getting out of a relationship with an NPD. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Thanks !!


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.


Posts: 553 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I read that book!
If I remember right, the chapters are
1. You're out of a relationship with NPD? Cool!
2. Party at jj's!
3. You wake up to breakfast of self, and peace, alone
4. Vodka optional
5. Who am I duh?
6. I like me
7. I really like me
8. I love this new life!
9. Party at jj's!

It's my favorite book!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've sat at home alone like a prisoner for the last 2 years. Nothing I did to xwife, or anyone else deserves this. Nothing.
I give up.

Ugh...one of the more infuriating things about these jackasses. No matter how awful they behave and no matter how much pain and destruction they have caused to other people, they have it worse in their mind. Any discomfort their horrific decisions cause THEM is far worse than what they have inflicted on others. It's maddening.

Our pain and suffering caused by their actions..no big deal and that person should "get over it", "move on", "stop playing the victim", etc. Their own pain and suffering also caused by them...BIG fucking deal and *somebody* (not them of course) better fix it quick!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh...one of the more infuriating things about these jackasses. No matter how awful they behave and no matter how much pain and destruction they have caused to other people, they have it worse in their mind. Any discomfort their horrific decisions cause THEM is far worse than what they have inflicted on others. It's maddening.

Our pain and suffering caused by their actions..no big deal and that person should "get over it", "move on", "stop playing the victim", etc. Their own pain and suffering also caused by them...BIG fucking deal and *somebody* (not them of course) better fix it quick!

Have you been peeking in my windows???

He has now enlisted the youngest kid to be his 'fixer of all things he screwed up'. I can do nothing but ride this out-thankfully this time I am on the sidelines.

I am praying she wakes up to his manipulations soon.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@jj

I would buy that book!

Just popping in to say (((tribe)))

The spirit of this place keeps me upright on many days.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't resist posting this for my tribemates...


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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