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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have stumbled on a few threads lately that make me remember a sage piece of advice that was frequently mention on the NPD thread when I first began reading:


Don't Poke The Bear!


Sometimes rebounding from doormat status, means that a BS will assert rights, loudly define boundaries, and otherwise PROVE that you can't walk all over me!!

This is not necessary and in fact, with a NPD can be dangerous. Do not be a doormat, but be quiet. Stand up, show up, but don't bully the bully, or poke the bear. It is not necessary to shout to the world that you are now going to stand up for yourself. JUST DO IT, in the words of an effective shoe campaign from the 80s.

If the N makes wild accusations, don't shout back that they aren't true. Arguing with the N? that feeds his need and continues to allow the N to have control.

If you aren't allowing the N to rule your life anymore, then the email that says, "HEY! you don't control me anymore!" is ironic proof positive that actually, yeah, they still do.

Righteous anger is a fire that burns and can be the energy to leave and to heal and to cast of the shackles of being bullied. But let it burn and make you shine from within. Don't cast that fire outward and set the forest around you on fire.

And poking the bear can have devastating consequences if the NPD you are poking breaks from reality and becomes enraged and violent. Loss of supply, loss of control over the supply, and then defiance from said supply??? That is not something I am ever comfortable reading about on these threads.

Be careful, be wise. Be angry if you must, but be careful and be wise in your anger.

(((tribe)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver: Thank you so much for your post. It was very helpful to me today. If you talk to people IRL who are genuinely trying to help, they tell you to assert your rights, be strong, do this and that, and you know in your gut it won't work the way they are saying to do it. So I got stuck in not knowing what to do or how to do it.

So, I guess you are saying that you have to be silently strong and quietly do what needs to be done. There's a difference between letting them get to you and manipulate you and quietly going forward.

But it's so very hard, because they are experts at emotional manipulation and abuse.

I've been stuck for so very long, so afraid to move forward because my gut told me that when I did, I would have an even harder time getting away and harder things to put up with.

Thank you for you post.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX NPD is at it, again!

Amazing how he is chasing after another (woman, this time) and its straight out of the Love Fraud Playbook!

He is telling her identical things, buying/sending gifts and flowers, doing all that "Soulmate" crap!

Her replies are pure starry-eyed wonderment.
(Just as mine were a decade ago...)

I wish I could warn her (she has lost a child, too) but she is clearly out and over the proverbial barn gates in True Love after being hurt recently.

This is absolutely Tragic, folks!

Anyone else find themselves in a similar NPD playing out situation here?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as we want to spare someone the pain of NPD -I know if my x's previous gf came to me and told me her story, I would think she was out to ruin my relationship with him because she wanted him back! I wouldn't listen. He would also play the wounded boyfriend.

I think saying a prayer for her to see the red flags very soon is a better way to spend time when you think of her.

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DL,
The only way to heal, recover and move on from an NPD is NC. You need to focus on you. The longer you stay connected with him, his activities, his communications, ect, the longer it will take for you to heal.

This has been dragging on now for eight years. It's time to end it. Finish your divorce and move on.

Also please keep this in mind: It may not be legal for you to continue monitoring your STBXH's email while in the divorce process. It certainly won't be legal once your divorce is final. You could be prosecuted if you're caught.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:25 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good advice, thanks.

But must clarify sadtoo that NO private/personal "monitoring" is being done. This is going on wide out in the open!

I am taking all the steps needed/required...just amazing to see it playing out by the sick N.

There are actually no words when I read the very public convo's.

D is almost done as I posted in NB.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! I was able to talk to my BIL today and tell him how much I appreciate all of his sacrifices for our freedoms!!!

Most people would probably think that it's no big deal to make a call, but NPDSIL gets mad every time we talk to him and will cut off our means of contact. The only email I ever sent him was sent about 10 hours before we got the call about his injuries. I was thanking him for his sacrifices and telling him we were thinking about him. Later, I was telling SIL about it and she said, "Yeah, I know. He never got it because *I* got it first." So, there was that, refusing to give us his #, she blocked us from his account on FB, when she found out we were friends, and on and on.

So, I know he has a secret phone, and that's how we communicate, so she can't cut it off! I feel a LITTLE like a hypocrite, but not too much. I think it's easier for her when she has him cut-off from family because it's easier to control him AND the flow of information.

So, I really don't feel bad. Still, I know that there will be hell to pay if she finds out we've been talking to him.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
woundedby2
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Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post about not poking the bear, CG. It truly is in our best interest to be NC with an NPD. However, I have found that being quiet and enforcing NC can often set us up for criticisms and accusations that we are being uncooperative or inflexible, or that we are refusing to co-parent. And I'm not just talking about the NPD making these claims. I'm talking about counselors, lawyers, social workers and judges casting these judgments on us. I personally was reprimanded in court by the judge for not being a cooperative co-parent and was chastised by the judge with, "Why don't you just answer his calls?" Sigh...

I guess the thing is to be confident in our knowledge that we are doing the right thing even when others voice disapproval. I knew my sanity was more important that what any judge thought of my actions, so I did absolutely nothing to alter the way I dealt with the Assclown. It just sucks that my necessary efforts at self-preservation were seen as the problem in my post-divorce "relationship" with the NPD.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just sucks that my necessary efforts at self-preservation were seen as the problem in my post-divorce "relationship" with the NPD.
Yes, it will just always be this way, when you're dealing with an NPD. And ONLY people who've dealt directly with an NPD over the long-term can really understand. I think this issue plays a HUGE part in the grief felt when realizing you're in a relationship (of any kind) with someone who's NPD and you need to go NC with them.

I know I can't allow the NPDs in my life to sway me from my path. No matter what they pull, I just keep on walking my path and continue trying to be the best person I can be.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree.
The Judge (in his "fairness"?? ) ALSO took me to task (in a way) when I went to the mandatory court appearance even though N never bothered to (try speaker phone) at the last minute...the Judge restarted my spousal support, yes, but in doing so he waxed poetic about how we were both still M, how N should not just cut me off, how I was still obligated to take care of N in case he got "hit by a train" ...
So I do understand both of these posts.

((((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was still obligated to take care of N in case he got "hit by a train"
Ahh, never fear!! NPDs don't get hit by trains, the people beside them do!

Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Word.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The guy on Dr. Phil today was incredibly NPD. Watch it, if you get the chance.

http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/2116

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 5:13 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
teeghan
♀ Member
Member # 40859
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know what NPD stands for...but someone suggested I post here from the I just found out forum as I have a thread titled he is trying to take my kids.

My post is here:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=513599

He is so evil. He calculates every move WAY ahead of making it. He knows how to create fear in me. He knows what buttons to push. He knows I have no money, no job, and that I am partly disabled with my back.

He has gotten away with so much. He has been so abusive mentally and verbally to both me and the kids for years. HE has been physical the last 6 months until finally arrested. My kids are scared of him, do not wont to see him, freak on visitation days, freak out if they think it is time to see him and I just want the monster to get what he has coming to him once and for all.


Anyone have advise on fighting a monster????? I am just a basket case......and a terrified mom.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Georgia
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let the courts do their thing. He is violating his RO - you are going to be ok - judges really don't like their orders violated. Follow through with complete detachment.
Until we get a thread specifically dedicated to sociopaths and psychopaths, NPD is the best place for you - it's Narcissistic Personality Disorder - but don't worry about that right now - he's a bastard muthafukka, that's all you need to know right now till you're safe and away from this BM.
He's a shit anyway - and that's a hella funny joke.
NC = NO CONTACT

Do that.

I like cg & w2's stuff about DPTB and subsequent fallout. It is wise.
cg's - to avoid danger to yourself, tailor it to your sitch. Me, I played dumb...accepting false premises with an; "I'll think about that, it's interesting..." attitude - knowing all the while it was just another empty hoovering attempt - and continuing on with my efforts to detach (quietly, to keep safe).
w2's point is harder to navigate, depending on your sitch..."because I do not want to face my abuser" would have flown out of my mouth had I had to face it in front of a judge...

It's a hard question, but a necessary one; "How do I minimize damage to myself?"
(Tribe)


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have advise on fighting a monster????? I am just a basket case......and a terrified mom.

I'm so sorry!! First of all, you are a very strong person, and I'm proud of you for getting yourself out!!! It's ok to be a basket case and terrified; you can still take steps One At A Time and get through this. It's great that you have gotten help. Keep reaching out at the abuse center and with the police. Keep breathing deep breaths whenever it gets overwhelming. I found my faith in a higher power was strengthened by what I went through divorcing my X.

Do you have access to books? I've just started reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" and I highly recommend that. My X isn't leaving me alone, so I'm still trying to understand how to deal with him. I also want to learn what was wrong with me for staying with him, and I don't want to make that mistake again. It takes a long time to heal from abuse. Mine's an alcoholic and sex addict, but the abuse is the hardest for me to get over.

Keep reading, breathing, learning, talking to people, eating healthy food, getting exercise, praying if it helps. Huge hugs! {{{Teeghan}}}


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this goes here or what all I can say but here goes.
If you have followed me you know my ex beat me in front of my kids on my birthday. Since then I was awarded sole custody of kids, a perm restraining order against him and child support.

My kids and I have been struggling to get on our feet. They are small and I was a stay at home mom. We are now in a battered women shelter which actually is very nice. We have our own apartment. Just no kitchen or tv area. Those are common out in the main area of the building. The kids have counseling, I have counseling and they are helping me get a job and transitional housing free of charge to get on our feet.

My ex has supervised visitiation with the kids every Wednesday from 5:30 to 8pm and every other weekend. The kids are there now. They also go this weekend. Which I dread.

Here is my issues and I desperately need advise.

Last Wednesday night when I picked kids up he had me SERVED with papers for legitimation and custody. He states:

-- I falsely accused him of DV (funny...have you SEEN THE PICTURES? a--hole!)
-- I falsely accused him of rape (never even thought of that but ok)
-- I am a drug addict ( again, not sure where this comes from, I never did a drug in my life)
-- I am driving on a suspended license ( the cop that served me VERIFIED I in fact had a valid license)
-- That the kids wished to stay with him (Only because he threatened to spank them if they didn't say so)

I do not have an attorney yet. The battered women shelter is trying to get me one pro-bono. Yes is his claims horse crap? 1000% but I am still scared. How is a judge going to view me being in a shelter, or his lies? He is SOOOO slick.


Here is a few more things:

I have proof ONLINE in open google search of him bragging to be with a prostitute and telling all about his 1 hour and $120 damage. I have proof of JUST last month him posting very graphic sexual naked pictures of women who do not even look 18 on a tumblr site. I have talked to his 18 year old girlfriend that he had a 11 month affair with and started after just had just turned 18 by three weeks. They slept together all during her senior year, in her parents house. He supplied her with weed and acholol by his admission. I called and talked to her when I found out. That was my D day. She had NO idea his real name as he told her he was someone else. She had no idea about a lot of things.

He has had many affairs, many women from craigslist. He has been fired for fraud the last 3 jobs and one he stole $20K and black mailed them INTO NOT prosecuting him. I had no idea about it until his boss called me to tell me.

He is now harassing me through his parents at the tune of 6 emails a day trying to break me down. Trying to make me seem unfit. I pride myself in making my kids my world so I know what kind of a person I am. Also add in all his fighting in FRONT of the kids, his many tossing us out of the house, his always screaming and yelling, and witnesses to such facts.

Every time he talks to the kids, or sees them ALL he does is question them, try to strong arm them into info, tell them all about our case, all about him having to pay child support to make me happy, or all about being arrested because I am a liar. Which he is not suppose to be doing.

I am scared, I will be the first to admit. I am terrified someone is going to believe him and give him my kids. I am just a basket of nerves. I spoke to one attorney who said I can show I am the one day in and day out who take care of the kids. If he thought I was a drug addict why would he allow me to take them EVERYWHERE each day including ball fields, practice, be alone with them daily as he "worked" until 2 am nightly. Which meant he was out on booty calls.

I am just a basket of nerves and I needed to just talk about this and see if anyone else has had a monster like mine. He is so conning and so evil...I never knew such evil actually exsisted in this world.......


SIGH...... a bottle of nerves and a big big bucket of tears......


Anyone have advise on fighting a monster????? I am just a basket case......and a terrified mom.

Hi Teeghan,
I hope you don't mind that I copied your original post from JFO. But it may help us here so we don't have to flip back and forth.

There are several of us here who have dealt with monstrous NPD's/assholes/dumbasses/what ever your name is for him/it.

It sounds like you are doing the right things. You have the courts/law involved and the are aware of him. That is good. You are also in a safe place. Also good.

Get yourself a notebook or a calender of some kind and begin logging and begin documenting everything (if you're not already) write down every single thing that involves him and every detail. The date, time, event, details, etc. for example; telephone calls, text messages, picking up kids, the time, what the kids said, etc. take photos of caller ID, save text messages, etc. This information will help you keep your facts straight. And it will also help you ifyou need to prove something he has done.

Absolutely remain NC (no contact) with him. DO NOT allow yourself to be baited by him. NPD's are incredibly manipulative and able to twist things around to attempt to make themselves appear to be the victim and you the aggressor. Don't fall into this trap.

I falsely accused him of DV (funny...have you SEEN THE PICTURES? a--hole!)

This is VERY TYPICAL behavior of an NPD. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he accused YOU of abusing him.

-- I am a drug addict ( again, not sure where this comes from, I never did a drug in my life)

...yeah, me too. This must be in the NPD play book. Ignore it.

-- I am driving on a suspended license ( the cop that served me VERIFIED I in fact had a valid license)

Again, ME too! Where do this guys come up with this crap?? Ignore!

That the kids wished to stay with him (Only because he threatened to spank them if they didn't say so)

Yeah....I'm sure he's father of the year.

Also, Ignore his family. They are poison just like him. Where is your family? Can they help you with lawyer expenses?

I know it's hard right now being scared about your kids and all, but it will be alright. The judge will see through his bullshit. They see guys like him all the time. Women don't go to DM shelters just to "hang out".

Keep posting and stay strong.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
teeghan
♀ Member
Member # 40859
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your replies. My family is very old and can hardly make their ends meet right now as my mom is very sick so I do not have that to rely on. I have the center trying to get me an attorney to do it pro-bono and I hope they do.

I love the idea of making notes of everything, date time, etc. I am starting that tonight. Luckily I still remember most of it all.


Yes he certainly gets the asshole of the century award from me. He is a true jerk and yes he does know how to scare me.

I have NC with him at all. Only thing I say to his parents is IN emails and I do not answer their complaints or harassment at all. I just get scared and nervious that someone is going to believe him and take my kids from me. He can sound sooooo convincing to people that do not really know him you know?

Just last night after the kids came back from supervised dinner my daughter said mom why did you lie to the judge and tell them that dad hit and abused us. I looked at her and said did you ever hear me say such a thing? They were there with the judge when we got a tpo. She relied no but daddy said you told the judge all these lies about him and that is why he cant see us. I didn't know how to answer except that I never told the judge anything. The judge just looked at the facts of what happened that day. I then gave her hug and said we knew the truth and that was all that mattered.


I am sure I have given myself an ulcer from all this stress. My poor stomach is killing me. It is just in knots and I am just so exhausted. Dealing with him is just so draining.

Thanks again for advise. I will keep posting and let you know how it goes.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Georgia
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just get scared and nervious that someone is going to believe him and take my kids from me. He can sound sooooo convincing to people that do not really know him you know?

Yes, I know. I felt the exact same way when I went through what you are going through. Although I didn't have little ones to worry about. My XNPDH was trying to take my fur-babies though. (as well as everything else)

It has been over 10 years since I went through my divorce with my XNPDH. Mine involved protection orders, criminal charges, stalking, harassment, you name it, we had it. And AT THE TIME, I thought he was very convincing too.

But time has a way of providing clarity. And he has continued on with his bullshit behavior. He has filed numerous law suits against me for ridiculous reasons and continued to harass me up until just a few years ago. (knocking on wood) Later in these hearings and trials, he would say the same crap he said during our initial hearings and trials. In our first hearing, like you, I was scared to death because I thought he was so convincing. In the later hearings (saying the same things) he sounded like a desperate, pathetic idiot. I'm sitting there embarassed I was ever married to such a dumb-fuck.

As far as your kiddos go, that's going to be tough. I really think the best thing to do, is take the high road. Don't talk bad about him, no matter what. Sometimes when the kids ask you direct questions like that, the best way to handle them is to ask a question back. Like when they asked if you lied to the judge. Since they were there ask back, "Well, you were there with me? Do you think I Iied?" In other words, let the kids figure it out on their own that "Dad" is maybe not telling the whole truth without you actually saying so.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing to ask your daughter what she saw, thought etc! Helping her to see and trust what she sees (and knows) as her truth will give him less power over her. It will also allow her to grow up trusting herself-this is HUGE when dealing with a NPD parent they work hard at changing the truth to make themselves the victim-when it is a matter of consequences for their actions.

Keep reinforcing the truth to her by allowing her to trust what she knows is true. She might not have the strength to stand up to him yet. Strength grows when it's fed more truth. She'll get there. It took mine years.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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