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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very interesting reading this. I just got served this week by my Alcoholic, possibly drugs, SA/ Socio-NPD.

*I am a drunk? A drug addict? Talked to his Mom about his affairs (so). Suicidal?

He has picked one or two things that I have done wrong in my life and trying to make out like...well, like I am him.

In my case, we are going to request him to take a physical, psych eval, and drug/alcohol testing.

I am surprised his L even let him file this.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may have Poked the Bear!
My psyco undiagnosed NPD/BPD/Bi polar X wife kept approaching me at work.Violating my N/C boundary by calling me and leaving VM.I asked her again wed by text to stop she responded "you dont have a gag order or restraining order from a judge so I will approach you or call you as I see fit".So I spent yesterday in court the judge granted me a temporary restraining order.Im not sure she has been served but I think when she does it will be a poke to the bear.
She has been in rare form as of late getting reprimanded at work for sending DD14 a threatening text last Mon.Threatening to throw food on her tues.(shes a cook at the school).
Coming on my property un invited (I called the cops).But shes still right and the world is wrong.Bad thing is its her weekend.And the kids are dreadingit.


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The repercussions are hard to get around. Distraught, any idea when she was served?

My XH's (and NW) repercussions were a huge part of the breakdown of his relationship with his kids. Their behaviors will come back to bite them in the arse later. It has for my XH, and also my dad (he left mom for ow).

I hope your kids had a drama free weekend.

Hugs,
K

IMHO You didn't poke the bear-the bear was daring you to do something, even told you what boundaries to put in place to maintain YOUR peace. She was telling you that you didn't matter-she would only listen to a higher authority. Let them hear deal with her and her crazy psycho crap. It will work in your favor.

Hugs


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broke and confused,

They take one mistake and make it into a way of life for the spouse. But when you ask them about one incident in a string of similar incidents -it's a once in a lifetime thing, the next one is also a once in a lifetime thing, and the next one . . .etc.

Do your best to put together proof that he is wrong and proof that he is the one with the problems. Hard proof-not opinions or witnesses ( although ask your attorney if they want names).

It sucks to have to do the work. But I remember being very empowered AFTER doing it. By doing his little exercise to disprove his claims of being an unfit mother I realized I was not just a fit parent, but a damn good one and certainly better than him!

Realizing his projections onto you is a HUGE step to your healing. I wasn't able to wrap my head around that concept for a long time.

Hugs
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Distraut
♂ Member
Member # 38655
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks kajem
I don't think she has been served yet.I got a text this am asking when we were going to meet and talk I didn't respond.I thought not anytime soon.
No surprise she brought the kids back sat night.Their time wasn't too bad but they wanted to come home I'm glad she let them.
Surely she will be served tomorrow.She has no idea we have a CS hearing coming up .She is always bragging to the kids about her and OM seeing movies and concerts.She has no clue about responsibility but soon will .
Thanks for the Hugs


Me47 BS
Her WW40
DD13
DS11
D Day 02/16/13
Married 15 years
divorced 04/02/2013
Moving on!

I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"


Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we were just discussing this topic, I thought you all might enjoy this article "Why it's smart to let toxic people have the last word".

http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/why-its-smart-to-let-toxic-people-have-the-last-word#ixzz2kyRfBCHL

Welcome, new ones. Read and learn about NPD. Be prepared for anything. Keep reading and posting here. We've all been there.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow - great website, wounded - thanks for sharing!!!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teeghan, I was in the same place you are not so long ago. I get how you feel, down to the ulcers and terrible fear. But let me tell you one thing that I found absolutely true:

The judges see these guys ALL DAY LONG, and they KNOW that they LIE.

My ex accused me of abusing him, too, of faking my disability, of lying about him raping me... you name it, he said it.

But I think the one thing that started his losing streak was when I told the judge about him abusing the kids, and his response was not denial... it was "I was in pain and couldn't help it." I'm dead serious. He did not deny, he excused himself! At that point, the judge started listening a little closer.

His last statement to the judge at the last PO renewal hearing?

"I guess the first one to tell the lie gets believed, huh?" (He was mad because he couldn't make me look bad enough to get the PO dropped. )

Oh, yes, they will say the most outrageous things to try to damage us, and make us look bad. But, as I was told on this forum in the beginning of my journey, "Let them talk. They're the best player on YOUR team." That is the God's honest truth. The more they say, the worse they sound. They start losing points very quickly, and all you have to do is let them. Come back with facts, (sadtoo's document everything advice is spot-on,) and try to not panic. You have a great basis for your case, and you're doing things right. Counseling for the kids is essential, so you have professional documentation of his manipulation of them. Great job!

You have less to fear than you think. I was paralyzed by it, and it was pointless. I won, got more than I asked for in most areas, and the court knows who my ex is. They don't believe anything he says.

You will get through this. Things will be ok. Breathe and let the fear pass.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 6:37 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem- I too have felt very empowered in my response to his accusations. I think it hit me when my L was sitting down with me and taking my responses.

I also realized that the only reason that he would accuse me of doing drugs is if he does. I didn't know for certain if he did, but assumed it due to his friends. With him accusing me of it, I feel that is almost a complete admission that he does.

He came back a few days later and wanted to settle. That has been his cycle. Intimidate..settle, Intimidate...settle. I guess it makes him feel like he is in control.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenandconfuse
A very common characteristic of the NPD is to blame you or accuse you of the very things that are true of them. It's a sick twist on gas-lighting. It's also common for them to take a small indiscretion you may have shared with them from your past, or you expressing your pain to his mother about the situation and blowing it up into something way more than it is.

As difficult as it may be, ignore as best you can. Anything you do or say in defense of yourself will just continue to engage the NPD. Ignore and go NC with him. The truth will eventually show itself.

Kajem has a great suggestion with the documenting. Document everything you can think of. Include photos, caller ID, text message, etc.

And you are also correct. Listen very carefully to what he says. If he's accusing YOU of doing drugs, he is probably doing drugs. And if he starts saying things like "you're going to burn the house down" he's probably planning on burning the house down.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned from others dealing with NPD to take what the say and trade the "I" in all their sentences with "you" and vice versa. It's one way to get the truth.

In NPD world the best defense is an offense that is a distracting offensive. Doesn't mean it has to be true it just needs to distract you with its offensiveness. False accusations offend as well as distract. Keep your eyes on the end of this particular path.

We're here to help.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

County Attorney called me yesterday and they want to ammend the charge of violation of protection order to disturbing the peace and give him a chance to modify his behavior. Thoughts? He has asked for my input.

I don't think life in prison would change him.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe, I need you help and wisdom again. This is about DD18 who has repeatedly stolen and been emotionally abusive toward me...and I fear she is NPD like her father. Although, he has been actively alienating her from me.

I have written about my DD18 many times before. Most recently she stole several times from me, and she was asked to move out after blatantly disregarding my requests for actions to replace the items, show remorse and retribution. (This is after beginning her stealing career at 13)
Since moving out she has done nothing to repair the situation or restore the relationship. But, i did discover she had stolen an expensive piece of jewelry, which she returned after saying "I forgot about that". And she has not tried to talk with me since moving out, except once to ask me for money.

However, 6 months ago I bought plane tickets for both DD's and I to travel to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. DD18 has a ticket.

Today she texts me and starts with "please text me the details of the flight" Remember we haven't spoken for 6 weeks when I said our relationship is up to you. It got worse from that point on including tons of manipulation techniques such as shaming, blameshifting, diverting, character assination, word salad, bullying etc. after I kept bringing the conversation back toward the thefts, her attitude , and her lack of respect for me or her grandparents.

I tell you it felt horrible that my precious kids views me as a monster that is out to get her. I also know her horrid attitude toward me will ruin the trip for all of us.

I can't understand how DD even wants to go after the thefts and now after this rude exchange.

My question is how do I tell this kid she is not going in language that is protective for me.
I feel sick to my stomach, but i know after typing this out what I need to do.

PS: My parents want to see her and want me to say, "If you (DD18) pay the fee to change the date of the flight we would love to see you on your own.

What about that idea?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

County Attorney called me yesterday and they want to ammend the charge of violation of protection order to disturbing the peace and give him a chance to modify his behavior. Thoughts? He has asked for my input.

I am always uncomfortable when a protection order has been put in place (SOMETHING happened that warranted the court ordering him to BEHAVE). THEN he violated the order? (He already had a chance or three to modify his behavior.)

I would not back down on the charge. I want a record of his behaviors, his increasing/continuing aggression towards you and disregard for orders.

We say that a PO is only a piece of paper. But it can be a piece of paper with teeth IF you enforce it. I am actually pretty angry that the County Attorney asked you to reduce the charge. I could be triggery though since a teacher in my area was murdered recently by her estranged husband after the courts refused her a PO. YOU have one. Please, please use it to keep him away and to make the court records reflect what he is doing to you.

Chrysalis,
I have no suggestions. I have no idea what it would be like to parent a NPD. I have (((hugs))) and tons of sympathy but no idea of what to say.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

County Attorney called me yesterday and they want to ammend the charge of violation of protection order to disturbing the peace and give him a chance to modify his behavior. Thoughts? He has asked for my input.
I don't think life in prison would change him.

This same thing happened to me. They ended up charging my XNPDH with DTP too. The real reason ended up being because they felt they could more easily prove DTP rather than violating the protection order. I say go with what ever they suggest. I understand it can be frustrating to have a PO and then not have it be enforced. But at this point, you are WAY better off getting him convicted for something, rather than over charged and him walking. Even if he only ends up getting a slap on the wrist, it's still a conviction. And more important, it's a conviction with YOU being the victim. He will be on law enforcement's radar then and it will be much easier the next time to have him arrested, charged and convicted of violating the PO. (because they will be similar crimes) Just make sure that you NEVER talk to him and always call the police if he violates.

This is never, ever easy. And these NPD's are as slippery as a snake. I had video of my NPD at my house vandalizing. But since my camera did not show a clear picture of his face and or a clear photo of the license plate of his vehicle, they felt his slime ball defense attorney would get him off. It's maddening!!

Stay diligent and stay SAFE.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:09 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTP shows a victim? That would be the important piece in my mind. I thought DTP was like drunk and disorderly.

Obviously, sadtoo has relevant experience. I just have the idea of "justice" and have had that shot down in reality plenty of times.

It is good advice to talk with the County Attorney and see what the reasoning is.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis123,
Wow, the holidays stink when you have family members who are PD'd. That's only about 1/2 my family.

Since she has stolen several items of substantial value, I would cancel the ticket. I would tell her that you needed the money from the items she stole from you and you had to return her ticket. (consequenses for her actions) Tell her that grandma & grandpa would love to see her but she will have to make her own arrangements. And leave it at that.

She needs a reality check. And you shouldn't feel one bit bad about giving it to her. If you don't put your foot down now, she will continue to walk all over for you forever.

Good luck & big hugs!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis,

How is she with your parents? If she treats them similar to you-I wouldn't pay for her ticket. If you think your parents will enjoy the visit with her, then give her the option to change her flights on her dime.

I see no reason for you to do anything to help her.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bandc, I would ask the county attorney why are they changing the charges.

I have no experience with this, but I do know that politics can play a lot in some county attorney offices. A conviction of lessor offenses is still a conviction on the record. It makes it look like they are doing their job, at least according to statistics and record keeping.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTP shows a victim? That would be the important piece in my mind. I thought DTP was like drunk and disorderly

It can be drunk and disorderly.

As long as it is HER peace he is disturbing, she is the victim. DTP usually has a fairly broad scope so, it's easier to prove. I learned through my experience that some of the protection order and stalking laws that are on the books are not written very well and have many "loop-holes" making it difficult to prosecute. (maybe because they're newer? *guessing* ) Some states are better than others.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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