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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He plead guilty to DTP. The CA wanted to give him a change to modify his behavior since he did not use a weapon in his violation of the PO. Since the plea he has already followed me to the store and honked as he went by. Here we go again...


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He plead guilty to DTP. The CA wanted to give him a change to modify his behavior since he did not use a weapon in his violation of the PO. Since the plea he has already followed me to the store and honked as he went by. Here we go again...

Get into the habit of photographing this behavior with your phone. If you don't have a camera on your phone get those disposable camera and put in them in your car, your purse, at your door, in your window sills, etc. and start snapping. The key here is having PROOF of his violations.

Talk to your neighbors. Tell them what is going on and ask them to watch out for him and his vehicle. Same with co-workers. "Independent witnesses" will help you in this situation. Otherwise it's just your word against his. And like we all know, NPD's lie.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:37 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((broken))) Be careful!! I am sorry your peace is disturbed.

sadtoo, Thanks for your experience and wisdom. I consider you one of my tribe mentors. Never never will I be able to thank you enough. I am so glad you continue to share and tell your story.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wcgs^^^

Distraut, hope you're ok - she's served by now?
Hope the fallout is not too egregious with you!
let us know brother.


Posts: 6025 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after being divorced a year and not even contacting him for ANYTHING, not even money he owes me, he texts me tonight. "we could have found a way, Always".

This is how he sends me texts, last one read "Always". sent twice.


Always an arse
Always a loser
Always a liar
Always a cheat
Always there!
Nice to know I am missed, but then I shake it off knowing he just doesn't have anyone else to feed that ego of his and it is not actually me he misses.

If I did text him back, it would have said "I did find a way, OUT! Always free of you!

Just getting it off my chest and didn't even have a thought of responding to his text.

Is it my imagination or do the ex's of NPDs really don't get sad around the divorce anniversary. I totally missed the divorce anniversary, guess I didn't care and was too busy to really notice.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it my imagination or do the ex's of NPDs really don't get sad around the divorce anniversary. I totally missed the divorce anniversary, guess I didn't care and was too busy to really notice.

Not that far along in my journey as we've only been divorced a few months. But now that I've gained as much distance as possible when there are kids involved, I think I'll be celebrating divorce anniversary as my personal emancipation day! Didn't realize the depth of manipulation, control, and mind twist I was enduring until I broke free.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't realize the depth of manipulation, control, and mind twist I was enduring until I broke free.


AMEN!!!


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
Can anyone point me towards the list that was once posted about protecting yourself from an angry NPD? For my last Discovery today, we sent STBX 2,000 pages of sexts he wrote. He's been fighting like mad to keep these secret and out of court.

I was pretty calm about it - even wrote that it was anticlimactic for me. But now it's late here, and I'm worried about safety.

I'm sure all will be fine. My Spidey Sense is just up.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
teeghan
♀ Member
Member # 40859
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well.....update on my stupid NPD / Antisocial Ex......... I am very very VERY scared.......

Some of you know my story of my ex beating me in front of my kids and then filing for custody to get kids away from me stating all kinds of lies.
Well today I found out things I was NOT prepared for.

His old job that he was fired from, called me and asked that I meet them for lunch as they needed to share some things with me.

I learned that he has been with transvestites for over 3 years now and even HAD pictures of himself and two others in a threesome on his work computer.

He did several searches on "how to poison someone where it would be undetected and had no taste in food or drinks.

I am numb. I scared. I am sitting here wondering do I have aids? Do I have a STD? What all has this man really done? I do not care to know anymore. I truly today thought about taking my life - I wont lie. But my kids entered my mind and I just can not do it.

I am in a battered women's shelter and my case worker will not be here until Monday. So this is my ONLY outlet of having someone to talk to. I am so scared. I am so afraid to go get a test. What if this man has given me something?

His boss is given me his ENTIRE file of evidence on Monday INCLUDING the pictures, copies of his craigslist ads, emails, the searches for the killing of someone etc so that I can take it to the prosecutor in my battery case.

I have cried so much. I just can not believe this man has done all this to me and still continues to make my life a living hell. I am just so lost for words at how evil he is.

I just need someone to tell me I can make it through this. Because I will be honest, I am afraid I do not have much more strength in me to fight. I am trying so hard for me and my kids, but each day it gets so hard especially after this information.


I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown .... :( :( :(


Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Georgia
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((teeghan)))

I replied on your other thread, but wanted to reply here, too.

We often speak of narcissists and their 'masks'. They HAVE to wear a mask, a false self, in order to pull you in because you wouldn't give them time of day, if you knew who they really were. What you're experiencing is the mask coming off, so now you can see him in all of his ugliness. It IS shocking when someone we've come to view a certain way lets that mask slip and we see the emptiness, the darkness behind it.

All of the things that are coming to light now are a reflection on who he is, NOT who you are. Narcissists choose partners who have all of the characteristics that they, themselves, do not posses. This tells me that YOU are a person of high integrity and also empathy. Being an empath makes it more difficult to absorb when all goes to Hell like this because you are sensitive. I'm not saying you're TOO sensitive, just that possessing the quality of empathy makes us far more sensitive than, well, than they are. They have NO empathy. NO integrity. It hurts like hell and the part that hurts the most is that the NPD will NEVER be able to feel empathy or remorse for the pain they have caused you and will often blame YOU for feeling, in the first place.

I know you're in a really bad place tonight, but please know that you are surrounded by love, even in the midst of this.

(((((((((teeghan)))))))))

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 12:51 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 10973 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((teeghan))))

You are not going to have a nervous breakdown. NPD's seem to choose strength right along with kindness and goodness. Perhaps they are looking for the challenge of destroying/containing/controlling/owning those characteristics in the supply source?

You ARE strong. I can read it in every word. Just by naming these fears and writing it out, you are clawing your away above the fear!!

Read my profile. I can relate to much of what I imagine is in that file. YOU CAN DO THIS.

There is an awesome tribe of people who have your back.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
teeghan
♀ Member
Member # 40859
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. I am agry but will fight like hell to put him away. I am in a dark plave but that is because of the unknown. I will survive with the support here. I appreciate it more than you know!!

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Georgia
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing, I'm not sure if this is what you are looking for, but there is a lot of good info in this "Let's start a safety thread" thread:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474587

Teeghan, I'm so sorry for the horrible things you are learning about your NPD. Your mind must be spinning with everything that you are having to deal with. But you are a very strong woman. You are handling things very well.

These latest things have got to be very anxiety-provoking for you. That is completely understandable. Please seek help if things continue to be unbearable or totally overwhelming. There is certainly no shame in seeking help from a doctor during these rough times. Anti-depressants helped me get through the darkest times.

Please know we are here for you and that we care. I am saying a prayer for you tonight. (((teeghan)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CH)))

Sorry I missed your post last night!

I agree with wb, that thread has a lot of good stuff in it.

I think that where you are in the process, and given the recent "poke" with regards to court documents, I would try to

* not make eye contact.
*not respond to any attempts he makes to engage in conversation, even what appears to be bland or non-confrontational conversation.
*not sweat the "small stuff." If he wants to be an hour early or late, or whatever control attempt he makes to "prove his point" let him make it.
*ALL safety precautions with regards to being aware, having a friend present, cell phone charged, aware of exit routes, not letting your car be blocked in.


Walk away, walk away, walk away. Don't respond to physical or verbal intimidation. Don't defend wild accusations he makes towards you. Remember that if he is feeling desperate, he may make a desperate move. Baiting you so he can record you acting crazy is a very real possibility at this stage.

I can remember being at a similar point. Every time I would leave the house, I was afraid he would break in and take stuff. Since he had done it before, and the courts had found the "marital property" issue to be difficult to understand with regard to "breaking and entering" I felt defenseless in this area. I would hide the telephone, and my laptop. I had emergency cash in the oddest places... I did not leave spare keys in obvious places. (they used to hand on key rack by the door.) Everything else I just detached from and accepted that it could be gone or broken.

Post often. Keeping what is actually happening (or not happening) in print in front of you, can keep the imagination from disabling you.

(((hugs)))

teeghan, I am so glad you are ROARING! STD testing led to anxiety meds for me from a very caring and supportive doctor. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need or to take help in what ever form you need.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((teeghan))), I am so sorry for the pain and uncertainty you are rightly feeling from his former employers reveal on top of everything else. But the truth of this can be used in your favor and also allow you to make informed steps to real healing and self protection. YOU can do this! You are a strong woman who loves her kids! That's a powerful force to reckon with!


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WB2 and Care.

I have to see him twice a week because he does visitation here. He has broken into my computer and forwarded himself emails, tossed my room and read documents that I tried to hide in the closet. Then he took those documents and placed them on my desk and took photos of them and sent them to the judge as "proof" that I had done something I hadn't done.

I sometimes forget all of this. It's really insanely sick behavior, and I think I still minimize it.

I will follow all of this good advice. We depose him again on Monday. My attorney will be the bad guy.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing,

I forgot you have to see him and let him in your house! Can you have someone with you? Can you record what he is doing when he messes with your things?

If he's really mad, I would want a deputy there. I had one in my house with me when my X had to come in to do an appraisal of the house. He was not happy and the appraisers had their eyebrows raised the whole time, but I didn't care if he was embarrassed. The deputy was very nice and it kept the thing calm.

What if you talked to someone at the police station to let them know when he's coming, so they could be aware of the situation that might happen? Maybe they could be nearby?

Have you talked with someone in Domestic Violence in your area? I found they are a real help with their advice. They are very well informed and spent a lot of time with me, both in person and later on via the phone. I still stay in contact with them, as things come up.

Please remember that you should listen to your Spidey Sense. (Gavin de Becker's "Gift of Fear")


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH,

When I was in the thick of it and XH was coming into the home-I moved everything I needed out of the house. I went to a thrift store got a beat up metal file box that locked. I kept everything in my locked trunk. And buried it under kids stuff, in case he found it.

I have a friend that has everything copied onto flash drives and SD cards (photos). She keeps her "evidence" in an old lunch box in her trunk.

I also kept cash wrapped in tinfoil (to look like meat) in the freezer. He would never think to look there.

You are strong enough to handle this

Hugs
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me so sad that the need to hide valuables/cash in a house is not from strangers, but from those who have intimate knowledge.

I kept cash in the bottom of a tampon box, figuring that would be the last place he'd be willing to look. However, for Christmas, I received a small safe which solved the problem.

Hang in there, tribe. This is a hard time of year. Don't try to live up to Hallmark or the "ideal" holiday experience. A safe home, without the NPD to be displeased, is a perfect holiday!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, that would be cold, hard cash, right?

I bumped the safety thread with that & cg's idea.

Was reading through SisterMilkshake's Sociopath thread in G & came upon:


“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

Remember the "they're sad" thing?
wontdefineme's text:
arse, loser, liar, cheat is just that.


Posts: 6025 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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