He plead guilty to DTP. The CA wanted to give him a change to modify his behavior since he did not use a weapon in his violation of the PO. Since the plea he has already followed me to the store and honked as he went by. Here we go again...
Get into the habit of photographing this behavior with your phone. If you don't have a camera on your phone get those disposable camera and put in them in your car, your purse, at your door, in your window sills, etc. and start snapping. The key here is having PROOF of his violations.
Talk to your neighbors. Tell them what is going on and ask them to watch out for him and his vehicle. Same with co-workers. "Independent witnesses" will help you in this situation. Otherwise it's just your word against his. And like we all know, NPD's lie.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:37 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
sadtoo, Thanks for your experience and wisdom. I consider you one of my tribe mentors. Never never will I be able to thank you enough. I am so glad you continue to share and tell your story.
Distraut, hope you're ok - she's served by now?
Hope the fallout is not too egregious with you!
let us know brother.
Always an arse
Always a loser
Always a liar
Always a cheat
Nice to know I am missed, but then I shake it off knowing he just doesn't have anyone else to feed that ego of his and it is not actually me he misses.
If I did text him back, it would have said "I did find a way, OUT! Always free of you!
Just getting it off my chest and didn't even have a thought of responding to his text.
Is it my imagination or do the ex's of NPDs really don't get sad around the divorce anniversary. I totally missed the divorce anniversary, guess I didn't care and was too busy to really notice.
I was pretty calm about it - even wrote that it was anticlimactic for me. But now it's late here, and I'm worried about safety.
I'm sure all will be fine. My Spidey Sense is just up.
Some of you know my story of my ex beating me in front of my kids and then filing for custody to get kids away from me stating all kinds of lies.
Well today I found out things I was NOT prepared for.
His old job that he was fired from, called me and asked that I meet them for lunch as they needed to share some things with me.
I learned that he has been with transvestites for over 3 years now and even HAD pictures of himself and two others in a threesome on his work computer.
He did several searches on "how to poison someone where it would be undetected and had no taste in food or drinks.
I am numb. I scared. I am sitting here wondering do I have aids? Do I have a STD? What all has this man really done? I do not care to know anymore. I truly today thought about taking my life - I wont lie. But my kids entered my mind and I just can not do it.
I am in a battered women's shelter and my case worker will not be here until Monday. So this is my ONLY outlet of having someone to talk to. I am so scared. I am so afraid to go get a test. What if this man has given me something?
His boss is given me his ENTIRE file of evidence on Monday INCLUDING the pictures, copies of his craigslist ads, emails, the searches for the killing of someone etc so that I can take it to the prosecutor in my battery case.
I have cried so much. I just can not believe this man has done all this to me and still continues to make my life a living hell. I am just so lost for words at how evil he is.
I just need someone to tell me I can make it through this. Because I will be honest, I am afraid I do not have much more strength in me to fight. I am trying so hard for me and my kids, but each day it gets so hard especially after this information.
I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown .... :( :( :(
I replied on your other thread, but wanted to reply here, too.
We often speak of narcissists and their 'masks'. They HAVE to wear a mask, a false self, in order to pull you in because you wouldn't give them time of day, if you knew who they really were. What you're experiencing is the mask coming off, so now you can see him in all of his ugliness. It IS shocking when someone we've come to view a certain way lets that mask slip and we see the emptiness, the darkness behind it.
All of the things that are coming to light now are a reflection on who he is, NOT who you are. Narcissists choose partners who have all of the characteristics that they, themselves, do not posses. This tells me that YOU are a person of high integrity and also empathy. Being an empath makes it more difficult to absorb when all goes to Hell like this because you are sensitive. I'm not saying you're TOO sensitive, just that possessing the quality of empathy makes us far more sensitive than, well, than they are. They have NO empathy. NO integrity. It hurts like hell and the part that hurts the most is that the NPD will NEVER be able to feel empathy or remorse for the pain they have caused you and will often blame YOU for feeling, in the first place.
I know you're in a really bad place tonight, but please know that you are surrounded by love, even in the midst of this.
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 12:51 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]
You are not going to have a nervous breakdown. NPD's seem to choose strength right along with kindness and goodness. Perhaps they are looking for the challenge of destroying/containing/controlling/owning those characteristics in the supply source?
You ARE strong. I can read it in every word. Just by naming these fears and writing it out, you are clawing your away above the fear!!
Read my profile. I can relate to much of what I imagine is in that file. YOU CAN DO THIS.
There is an awesome tribe of people who have your back.
Teeghan, I'm so sorry for the horrible things you are learning about your NPD. Your mind must be spinning with everything that you are having to deal with. But you are a very strong woman. You are handling things very well.
These latest things have got to be very anxiety-provoking for you. That is completely understandable. Please seek help if things continue to be unbearable or totally overwhelming. There is certainly no shame in seeking help from a doctor during these rough times. Anti-depressants helped me get through the darkest times.
Please know we are here for you and that we care. I am saying a prayer for you tonight. (((teeghan)))
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Sorry I missed your post last night!
I agree with wb, that thread has a lot of good stuff in it.
I think that where you are in the process, and given the recent "poke" with regards to court documents, I would try to
* not make eye contact.
*not respond to any attempts he makes to engage in conversation, even what appears to be bland or non-confrontational conversation.
*not sweat the "small stuff." If he wants to be an hour early or late, or whatever control attempt he makes to "prove his point" let him make it.
*ALL safety precautions with regards to being aware, having a friend present, cell phone charged, aware of exit routes, not letting your car be blocked in.
Walk away, walk away, walk away. Don't respond to physical or verbal intimidation. Don't defend wild accusations he makes towards you. Remember that if he is feeling desperate, he may make a desperate move. Baiting you so he can record you acting crazy is a very real possibility at this stage.
I can remember being at a similar point. Every time I would leave the house, I was afraid he would break in and take stuff. Since he had done it before, and the courts had found the "marital property" issue to be difficult to understand with regard to "breaking and entering" I felt defenseless in this area. I would hide the telephone, and my laptop. I had emergency cash in the oddest places... I did not leave spare keys in obvious places. (they used to hand on key rack by the door.) Everything else I just detached from and accepted that it could be gone or broken.
Post often. Keeping what is actually happening (or not happening) in print in front of you, can keep the imagination from disabling you.
teeghan, I am so glad you are ROARING! STD testing led to anxiety meds for me from a very caring and supportive doctor. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need or to take help in what ever form you need.
I have to see him twice a week because he does visitation here. He has broken into my computer and forwarded himself emails, tossed my room and read documents that I tried to hide in the closet. Then he took those documents and placed them on my desk and took photos of them and sent them to the judge as "proof" that I had done something I hadn't done.
I sometimes forget all of this. It's really insanely sick behavior, and I think I still minimize it.
I will follow all of this good advice. We depose him again on Monday. My attorney will be the bad guy.
I forgot you have to see him and let him in your house! Can you have someone with you? Can you record what he is doing when he messes with your things?
If he's really mad, I would want a deputy there. I had one in my house with me when my X had to come in to do an appraisal of the house. He was not happy and the appraisers had their eyebrows raised the whole time, but I didn't care if he was embarrassed. The deputy was very nice and it kept the thing calm.
What if you talked to someone at the police station to let them know when he's coming, so they could be aware of the situation that might happen? Maybe they could be nearby?
Have you talked with someone in Domestic Violence in your area? I found they are a real help with their advice. They are very well informed and spent a lot of time with me, both in person and later on via the phone. I still stay in contact with them, as things come up.
Please remember that you should listen to your Spidey Sense. (Gavin de Becker's "Gift of Fear")
When I was in the thick of it and XH was coming into the home-I moved everything I needed out of the house. I went to a thrift store got a beat up metal file box that locked. I kept everything in my locked trunk. And buried it under kids stuff, in case he found it.
I have a friend that has everything copied onto flash drives and SD cards (photos). She keeps her "evidence" in an old lunch box in her trunk.
I also kept cash wrapped in tinfoil (to look like meat) in the freezer. He would never think to look there.
You are strong enough to handle this
I kept cash in the bottom of a tampon box, figuring that would be the last place he'd be willing to look. However, for Christmas, I received a small safe which solved the problem.
Hang in there, tribe. This is a hard time of year. Don't try to live up to Hallmark or the "ideal" holiday experience. A safe home, without the NPD to be displeased, is a perfect holiday!
I bumped the safety thread with that & cg's idea.
Was reading through SisterMilkshake's Sociopath thread in G & came upon:
“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”
Remember the "they're sad" thing?
arse, loser, liar, cheat is just that.