Thank you for the support. This is so very hard. I feel like I am in the Twilight
I am sorry you are forced to endure this too, cant. It is indeed so hard. We are fighting years of conditioned responses. They are not undone easily or over night. Yes, the only and best thing to do is ignore, ignore, ignore. Hang in there. Don't venture into the Twilight Zone. It is the world in which they reside. You are in the light of reality. Draw your strength from your mind--what you KNOW is true.
I am sorry that you are here too. I just all seems so cruel.
There is so much damage inflicted. Seeing the extent of it is overwhelming.
I think/hope that once all the "details" are final it will get easier. It must be so hard on you having children. That is one thing that I am grateful for, that we don't. Once the divorce is final I never have to speak to him again.
The ultimate no contact.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Can, you don't have to give him any more things at all. He has personal necessities, and by law that's ALL you have to give him right now. The judge will decide who gets what later. If you want to let him have them because you don't need them, that's one thing. If you're doing it because you think he'll stop, you're wrong. He will keep coming up with "just a few more things" he needs, just to keep you on the hook. It's really NOT about the furniture he "wants." It's about making you dizzy with the emotions you're experiencing; it's working. Tell him the judge will sort it out, and to stop asking. Then flat out ignore him. If you keep giving in, he will keep taking.
The way they manipulate is horrifying. They will pull those heart strings as hard and as often as they can. By answering and/or giving in to his demands, you are saying to him that he can keep doing it. He won't stop until there is no way you will do that any longer. It's hard, and it is painful at times. But you have to keep telling yourself he is using your emotions against you. He doesn't feel anything, but you do. He knows that.
And yes, all those things you talked about before, the questioning our sanity, our parenting, our loyalty, our everything... that's normal. And it's what he wants. The more off balance you are, the better it is for him, because it keeps you giving in. It's crazymaking at it's finest. There is nothing wrong with you. Your counselor was right; that one lie should not have caused so much grief. In what reality is it ok for him to have done all the things he has without a shred of remorse, but your one-time mistake that you atoned for is worth YEARS of abuse? I'll tell you what reality. The Twilight Zone, HIS reality. Where you do not live any more.
Abbon, you are doing such a great job, keep it up. You are strong, and you've come a long way since you first came here. Keep going, because freedom is such a great reward! Stay the course! You're closer than you know! Come on over to this side, where sanity reigns!
Keep going, both of you. Freedom means sanity. Freedom is the greatest gift you can give yourself, because you will have your life back. This life, this freedom... this is worth the effort. SO worth it.
I don't care about those things except that I just don't want him in my house. I stated to him yesterday what would work for me and now I don't need to tell him again.
Everything is going to the garage.
When it is convernient for me.
Until then nothing and I am only going to send an email. You may pick up items on date and time.
Nothing more, is that okay or is that too much. I feel like I am being tough. The first time he was torturing me by coming to the house everyday when I was at work. I would run around looking for signs of him.
I am so glad I had the presence of mind to take his keys before I confronted him. I knew he would run.
You are being tough, but not in the way you're conditioned to think of it. You are only doing what needs to be done: protecting yourself. It's not wrong, and it's not mean. It's the right thing for this situation. Absolutely correct. Protect yourself first and foremost.
But don't believe he'll go away if you give the stuff to him. They just don't work that way, ever. They just don't.
I know this is hard, but you can make it through. Heck, if I can, you can. Seriously. I think our childhoods are fairly similar, as far as abuse goes. (I was so beat down by the time I decided to end my marriage, I didn't think I could make it. Find my posts on previous threads and you will see we wrote the same things.) So yes, we are a bit screwed up, but nothing we can't fix. N's, on the other hand, can't be fixed. So you are normal, you are strong, and you are doing the right thing. Hang in there.
You need to be able to document that he received these items. And by just having him come to the garage and take them, won't cover you. Personal items are one thing. But "marital assets" are another and he could lie later (likely he will) and say he never got them.
I know your urge is to make him stop texting and shut up. But this won't do it. He will soon be on to something else.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
You will get there too, Can. Hang in there.
Oh my goodness!! Sohurt was crippled with fear!! She has made AMAMZING progress. I was just reading her post about 2 up and thinking "what amazing advice. I wish Can could see where Sohurt was at her start."
Thank you, Sadtoo. I am amazed at how far I've come, too. Who would have thought it when I first spoke up in here? I knew I'd never make it. I knew it. But I did. You and the rest of the Tribe carried me, and I'll never forget that. Ever, ever.
Can, she's not exaggerating. Crippled is a painful word, but it's completely accurate. I was so scared - beyond terrified, really - that I could not move in ANY direction. It took a lot to make me break loose, like I was a car, frozen in ice. But when I finally did, when I finally realized I had to, nothing could stand in my way. That does not mean I wasn't afraid anymore, because I sure as he!! was. I just knew, for once, that I couldn't let it continue. That stopping him was the only way I could go. It took months for me to get to that point, and a year of struggle in court, but once I was moving, it was like I was on a downhill road with no brakes! And it felt really, really good! Even in my fear, I knew I was doing the right thing, which kept me moving. But it took a lot, and I mean a LOT, of prodding and even a nasty argument to get me moving.
You can do this. You CAN. That's your other new mantra... "I CAN."
I am trying so hard to hang on. It just hurts so damn bad.
I have great people at work 3 of them to be exact they are so good to me, so understanding and I am so grateful to them.
I don't know if I would even be able to work without them.
I have all of you here at night when I am alone. In those early early morning hours. It keeps me sane.
There are good people, it gives me such hope. I have met some of the kindest and most amazing people here.
Hanging on to the positive.
You're doing fine. Really.
Then he came back. I actually got worse. All of the pain of the infidelity intensified. I was walking on eggshells again.
We started spending time together and then one day I saw all this stuff in my house. I asked are you living here? He replied yes but that he would leave if it didn't work. My gut was screaming, I was not ready to take that step. I remember being so nervous that someone would find out that he was there! I was embarrassed. I didn't even tell anyone at work for about 6 months.
Thankfully I was driven to help myself. I have read so many books in the last year I have lost count. IC every week and he was really good for me. He helped me to work on my past. He helped me to have compassion for myself, for the little girl that I used to be. To see that I am very kind and that is not necessarily a bad thing but that I need to be kind to myself first.
One tool that helps is asking myself, "if it were your daughter, what would you tell her?"
He role played with me. He played angry stbx. He also played the role of remorse and compassion so that I could see what it felt like to be on the receiving end, to see what it looks like.
I have a lot of knowledge that I did not have the first time. I have the experience of the easing of the pain, it did get better and I remember that. It will not remain this painful. I just have to go with it. Cry when I need to. Remember where I want to be.
I am not screaming. It sounds crazy but that was my release last year, how I managed to go to work. I lived to get home to my empty house to scream. Primal screaming for hours until I collapsed. I screamed until I lost my voice, could barely talk and I still continued to scream every night.
I also used the elliptical, not a bad thing but it was a little twisted. I was in a leg brace, taking shots for my knee and could hardly walk. The pain of the exercise was a relief. I thought about how people cut themselves to relieve pain and I understood why. The physical pain was so much easier to bear, it helped.
The good of this is that my knee is so strong now, no brace, no shots. I can do about 40 minutes on the elliptical with no pain. I can walk, I can run (but don't, not good). I can do so many things again without pain. I feel strong physically. I also dropped 60 lbs, not bad for the ego.
I am better than when I went through this last year. I am starting way ahead of where I started last year.
I am stronger in my mind and in my body.
I just have to remember, the pain will pass, it really will get easier, I know this. He is the source of this pain and I need to stay away from him, NC, NC, NC. That will help me heal faster.
Now, I can focus just on healing myself. I no longer have to worry about what he is or is not doing. It no longer affects my life. I don't have to worry about my marriage and what will happen, am I doing enough, what does he really feel/think. It is now irrelevant because he is no longer my husband. I am not responsible for him. I am responsible for me.
I am going to get this. I Can!
Just an hour ago, my heart was pounding, I was starting to review, to ask questions in my head. Questions that will never be answered, the details, they do not matter. I do not need the details. What I know is enough to decide my path. I know enough. More hurt is not going to change anything but hurt me more. He can keep the details. They are irrelevant also.
Here I am one hour later, gaining a little control. I feel grateful for the new people in my life and I know it will get better.
I may slip into sadness, I guess I have to accept that but even when it feels like I can't bear the pain, I can know, I can remember it is going to pass. Pretty quickly actually. I am a lot stronger this time.
When I started on this course, I didn't have much to hold on to, at all. It was extremely difficult to take those first steps, and now that I'm down the road a bit, (my divorce will be one year old in May,) I am seeing a whole new me emerge, one that I'm mostly proud of. I still have moments of unkind thoughts or bad attitude, but overall, I am very happy with who I am.
You know, I talked last week sometime about the whole music therapy thing I do. It's very much like your primal screaming, but I let someone else, (Linkin Park,) do the screaming, and I just feel the power of it. I have found so much solace in music, like I did when I was a kid. It helps me remember that I am a worthwhile person, that someone would be damn lucky to have me, and that I can do this. I have no intention of getting into another relationship, but I know whoever I would choose would be lucky. That's a long way from where I started, thinking the same things as you talked about before.
Yes, I wondered if I was PD'ed. I even asked several people here for their opinions. I wondered if I really was seeing things the way they were, or if I was blowing them out of proportion. I thought I was a bad mom. So many negatives, and yet, almost two years out from separation, I find none of that to be true. It all came from his manipulation and lies, to keep me down where he wanted me.
No more. Nobody gets to do that anymore. I will tell almost anyone what's what if I think I ought to. That is so different from who I used to be!
Ack. I got on a roll there. Every once in a while, it feels good to pull the old me out and look at her. She was such a terrified little mouse most of the time. But I'm a great, big Mama Grizzly, now. It is good.
And as you've seen, it will be good for you, again, too. Play those thoughts over in your head as much as you can. It will give you strength and remind you who you are and what you can do.
A healthy person always looks inward for the answer. Remember? You can't change another person, only yourself. It's the PD'ed who are always manipulating and trying to change others.
I have been reading Mending a Shattered Heart, and other literature aimed at partners of SAs, but got so discouraged because the chapter about staying or going seemed so biased towards staying. My WH is not remorseful, does not care about how this affects me or the children, and I believe has no plan for actually stopping his behavior, except for the short term to "prove" to me he's not doing it. How can they say that the struggle you are in is probably the best one?
His behavior since DD scares me. He acts as though everything is fine. In the most creepy and uncomfortable ways. We †are living together separately until I can line up everything to get me and the kids out, and my line to him is that I am not making any decisions yet. I am telling him this because I am terrified of what he will do when he realizes that I am actually leaving him. He has flown into rages and raped me in the past when he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted.
But it is so hard because he just sucks us dry. Me and the kids. I feel badly that our oldest feels he has to play the game and act like things are fine, which just feeds WH. I feel so temporarily helpless. I know as soon as things come together I'll be prepared for whatever he pulls, our at least safe away from it, but in the meantime it is just so hard and scary. At least he punishes me by withdrawing. His isolating himself has actually been a real blessing, even if I wanted to ask for comfort from him he wouldn't give it because I am not playing nice his way. Sorry for the weird vent, I just feel so alone and afraid and unsure.
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.
I'm so sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us. It is a hard place to be, but you've found a very supportive group to help you through this.
I don't have a lot of advice for you right now, but I didn't want you to go unanswered. The best thing I can tell you is to keep posting as much as you need to, because even if nobody answers right away, you are venting. That's incredibly important, when you're trying to keep a lid on the emotions you're experiencing. I felt like this was my own personal blog for a long time. But we all go through the same things, just with some different details.
Stay strong, hang on and keep posting. There are a lot of wise people here who will come along and help out when you need it. The Tribe is such a wonderful support!
Again, welcome, and I'm truly sorry for what you're dealing with. But you're not alone.
I think the worst part right now is the nightmares. He is getting slowly more blatant with his passive aggression and I am becoming more anxious about him becoming actually physically aggressive. I do have serious anxiety issues anyway (funny how almost 20 years with N seems to explain some of that!) and am having a hard time trying to realistically assess how threatened I should feel. I have nightmares of him doing horrible things and then wake up to his weird version of reality where I am the mean one and he is earnest as a child.
But I'm not falling for it anymore, I just have to put up with it a little while longer.
Also does he have a gun. Are you afraid of him. Sounds like you are. Are you safe? If you are trying to realistically assess your danger, please please please get on touch with your local domestic violence group. Please. If they don't answer call national hotline. Someone else should help you assess the danger. Don't allow yourself to stay and possibly become a statistic.
Sorry for my bluntness. I'm afraid for you since you expressed very real fear. Please take action on this. Please.
I am so glad you found us. I know it is scary to realize there is a problem in your life. But it is also an empowering first step. I agree with Theagony that shifting your focus to you would be a great thing.
Have you read the book "Women that Love Too Much"? That book helped so much by letting me learn about me. I felt like someone was writing about my life.
It seems that your gut and your dreams are trying to tell you something. What do you think that is?
All of us on this thread have been involved with manipulative people and I know in my case I had lots of trouble telling what was real, when I first started to wake up to the idea something was wrong. I would get mixed up and think I was being "too sensitive" or being "too forgetful"...all things the abuser was telling me to manipulate me. It took me awhile to learn to trust my instincts again.
I spent my time in IC, internet support groups, and Alanon to help me reprogram myself and to learn to love myself again.
I am so glad you found us. There are lots of incredibly wise and insightful people here. We call ourselves "The Tribe". Welcome!